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The Helpers (2012)
Dumb early 2000s horror still being produced in 2012?
This movie overall confused me.
I'm quite alright with the gritty, gory horror that became popular at the turn of the century (Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, Wrong Turn 2) but this movie just felt like it was missing something.
Unfortunately, I think what was missing was a plot.
Seven friends are driving in the desert when their car gets two flat tires. They stay at a motel and get drunk. The next morning they wake up tied and chained in various ways and are killed by the motel owners.
What I just explained in three sentences takes the movie about half its runtime to do. The first half of the movie establishes the bland characters (guy with camera, forgettable white guy and girlfriend, another forgettable white guy and girlfriend, token black couple) and throws in pointless scenes (camera guy getting a lap dance? eating chicken wings? two minutes of intercut sex scenes?) to fill up the runtime.
When things get going, it can be interesting in sections, but there are a few things that bothered me.
1. All of the girls are meant to die while their boyfriends watch- why?
2. In the second trap, the black woman gets electrocuted to death- with "40 or 50 V" of DC power. Granted, she is in water, but the electricity would not be able to flow through her heart, meaning that at the absolute most, this amount of electricity would give her a pretty bad shock.
3. Didn't need to see a guy humping the lower half of a bifurcated woman's body.
But by far- the most egregious problem with this movie, such a problem that I dropped my rating two stars just to comment on- is the editing.
Have you ever seen a movie trailer? Cuts every two seconds, music with flashy shots, interlaced voices?
The entire movie is like that. It becomes unbearable really quickly.
Couldn't recommend to really anyone. It was kinda fun to rip into tho.
Dracula 3000 (2004)
It's bad.
But it's one of the most shockingly hilarious failures at horror I've ever seen.
Get some drunk friends. It's a trip.
Saturday Night Fever (1977)
Decent time capsule ruined by misogyny.
Cutting right to the chase. The movie is alright if a tad boring in sections due to overly long dance scenes. Great atmosphere- I especially loved the scenes with Tony at home struggling to communicate with his family as tensions arise.
I would be willing to give this movie a light 7- were it not for the infamous ending.
Perhaps audiences in 1977 were more okay with seeing rape on the cinema screen- but it does not sit well in 2020.
Spoilers ahead:
Literally twenty minutes from the end, Tony attempts to rape Stephanie in the back of a car. Not two minutes later his friends bring a drugged girl named Annette to the backseat and rape her one at a time.
Both scenes are incredibly hard to watch- I found myself having to cover my ears so as not to hear the screams and cries of the women.
The scenes add absolutely nothing to the story, by the way.
The worst part?
Tony meets with Stephanie the very next day and apologizes. For attempted rape.
And she accepts his apology.
Watch the PG version, the movie's surely better without it.
Child's Play 2 (1990)
Way better than the first?!
I first saw Child's Play (1986) in July 2019 and was disappointed overall. After having the movie built up as an incredible horror movie, I found it to be predictable and boring. Lackluster kills, a slow setup, and not much payoff at the end made me give it a 4/10.
With that said, this sequel is everything I thought the first would be.
It's comedic but still scary, it feels like there are legitimate stakes (especially at the end!), I legitimately cared for Kyle in particular as she wasn't sure to live being a side character, the kills were incredible and there were lots of them, this was a super fun watch.
I found the "adults not believing Andy" thing pretty annoying after a while, though.
Plus the only character seen who's even remotely of color is supposed to be seen as a hindrance to the task of saving Andy.
Very good. 8/10.
Halloween: Resurrection (2002)
Absolute garbage.
I will admit that going into this movie I was quite apprehensive. I knew that Michael didn't die at the end of H20, which angered me slightly- H20 would be quite a good way to send the series off, Laurie finally getting her revenge. But the audience wanted more, so they brought him back once again.
So now Michael's died four times (2, 4, 6, 7), and they've brought him back every one. It's getting quite old and removes the surprise.
But anyway, onto the movie proper.
Halloween: Resurrection has no reason to exist. It is a cash grab, plain and simple.
Even at its worst (6), Halloween has never stooped this low.
My main problem with the film is its characters. Out of the six teens, only the main three are even remotely fun to watch- and at that, only Rudy and Sara I would consider "well-written". Of the others, Jim is a disgusting that I hated every second of watching- it's not pleasant to watch a guy try to use his camera to film a girl's but once, let alone every five minutes. Donna seems to take a liking to him for some reason that I'll never understand. I can't even remember the name of the other guy that was with them despite just watching the movie last night.
Busta Rhymes beats up Michael Myers with kung fu. Enough said on that.
The premise of the movie is also weak. When I imagine Michael Myers, I never imagine him having anything to do with electronics or heaven forbid livestreaming. He should know nothing but to kill.
Some may question my rating being so low, but I cannot think of a reason why anyone should watch this movie. End it at H20. 1/10.
Ofrenda (1978)
Beautiful.
Ofrenda is a very short film that is composed of flashing shots of daisies with drone music as background. It's beautiful in its simplicity. I found myself mesmerized by it.
The colors gradually fade as day turns to night.
There is no plot and not much meaning that I could discern, but it is gorgeous regardless. A wonderful quick watch.
The Hedge Theater (2002)
Beautiful but disconnected.
The Hedge Theater is, at its core, a series of clips of the ceiling of a tower intercut with clips of a man reinforcing a button-hole and various outdoor shots. It is 20 minutes of this.
Good bits:
The cinematography was quite nice. Many of the shots are haunting in their beauty and I found myself awed at the beginning.
Poor bits:
The film does not seem to have a purpose. There is no plot (common for experimental films), but unlike other experimental films of its nature, this is quite a bit longer. Once again, this film is 20 minutes long, and only contains enough footage to fill perhaps three minutes.
Would not recommend- didn't see much in it. Any meaning the film contains is much more hidden than I'm able to uncover.