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Reviews
Street Fighter (1994)
Video Game Movies are all bad, but this was TERRIBLE.
Street Fighter II is quite possibly my favorite video game of all time. I don't think I pumped more quarters or lost more brain cells in the screen of any other video game. I think I beat the game with every single character 2 or 3 times. So when I saw a commercial of a Street Fighter movie, my 12 year old heart went like a jack hammer. I never saw the movie in theatres, though. Disappointed, as most of my friends said it was 'AAAwwwwsome!!" 'No worries" I figured. I'll rent it.
It was, without question, one of the worst movies ever made. I was able to come to this conclusion at age 12! TWELVE! At age twelve, any move with blood, or lasers, or pointless violence and/or explosions, AND Jean-Claude Van Damme was indeed 'AAAwwwwsome!!'
But STREET FIGHTER was so unimaginably terrible that I almost stopped playing the game, my FAVORITE game ever, altogether. I couldn't imagine continuing to play a game whose subsequent movie cost me a good 25 points of my IQ. I did continue to play the game though, after a brief hiatus, on the simple basis that the movie had jacked the game up so badly, and had changed so many things around, they were too different things. That was the last Jean Claude Van Damme movie I ever saw, and looking back over the last 8 years, (actually, the last [however long Van Damme's been making movies] years) that was a fine decision my part.
What's worse was this was the final film that the great Raul Julia made before his untimely death. Sometimes I jokingly think that watching this movie is what did him in. On imdb.com's rating scale, I gave this movie a 1. Forced generosity on their part. If I could, I would've given this movie a negative number.
9/11 (2002)
**** out of ****
This movie, which aired 6 months to the day following the worst terrorist attack in United States history, is genuinely difficult to watch. The simple fact is, there are very few people in the United States (or even the World for that matter), regardless of age, that can say that the events on that dreadful Tuesday weren't the worse event they had ever seen. I certainly can't say that. But this movie isn't so much about the even itself, but rather the unwavering courage of the NYPD and the FDNY. Instead of showing people flying out of the windows, people on fire, etc. (see the equally wrenching "In Memoriam: NYC" from HBO documentary for that), but rather to focus on how no matter how much these police officers and fire fighters knew they were entering a hopeless situation and/or their own demise, they didn't back off. The movie contains language never before freely aired on CBS, which frankly is good, because the filmmakers and CBS wanted to show a realistic viewpoint on that terrible day. As for the filmmaking brothers themselves, they both risked their own lives to get this footage, most of it is exclusive (the plane hitting the 1 WTC, footage from inside 1 WTC).
This is a gutsy, realistic, and much-needed-to-be-preserved piece of work. Is it difficult to watch? Of course it is. There is no place, time, or situation in which viewing this film will be a comfortable experience. But I recommend it still, because as much as we would like to forget this day, we simply cannot, and frankly should not.
Scary Movie 2 (2001)
One of the worst sequels I've EVER seen!
1/2* out of ****
What on earth happened? I don't think I have ever in my entire life seen a film so funny and original have such a TERRIBLE sequel. The things they spoofed weren't really well done, some of the gags weren't even spoofs but rather replicas of what the film was TRYING to spoof, some gags were reused, horribly, and frankly, the comedy tried too hard.
I have a feeling the only reason people are saying this one was funnier than the first (which I've heard a lot of) is because of one of the following:
1: They are saying what they think their friends will say, and their friends are saying what they think THEIR friends will say, merely for popularity reasons, however untrue.
2: They are overly optimistic. I personally know very few people who didn't enjoy the first film, so the fact that the sequel was garbage just can't be!
3: They saw the film on the worst day of their life, which had subsequently demolished their taste and humor to horrific lows,thus ANY comedic movie, good or bad, funny or unfunny, was just what the doctor ordered.
4: They were really, REALLY toasted when they saw this movie, thus EVERYTHING, including the projector rays penetrating through the dust of the theatre, was funny.
Admittedly I am somewhat grading this film compared to the first installment, which isn't really fair, but I doubt even without that bit of criteria that this movie would have been enjoyable. Besides, that's the price you pay when you make a sequel, especially when you promised that there wasn't going to BE a sequel! (see tagline of "Scary Movie (2000)" The first film was VERY good, I can't stress that enough, frankly I haven't laughed that hard in a movie theatre since. With the sequel, I giggled a few times, but that hardly makes it a genuinely funny movie. Am I being overly harsh? Nope. I myself was in the midst of an average, take it or leave it day, am only slyly optimistic, care not what my friends think about my tastes, and had not taken part in any mind altering benders that day, and hence saw the movie for what it was: A WASTE OF TIME.
X-Men (1992)
Doesn't follow comics
But who cares? This cartoon was extremely well done. The storylines were sheer perfection, and although die hard comic X-Men fans might be disappointed, they shouldn't be. This is EASILY the best Marvel cartoon series, followed closely by the 90s Spiderman.
The Jerry Springer Show (1991)
This show is NOT fake...
IT IS REALLY FAKE. Not only have I seen the same person take on two different personalities, but let's be honest. These story lines are beyond the WWF, this is Poor White Trash Hick Wrestling Federation. Where EVERYTHING is obviously scripted, with a little room for the improvisational fights. This show wasn't always fake, but the second half of it's run is.
I know, I know, why do they break up the fights? A fake fight wouldn't look very real would it? Hell, they don't look very real when they don't get to fully go at it. If it is real, this show has managed to reel in some of the WORST fighters in the history of the world.
This show WAS entertaining. But it has taken on somewhat of a Scooby Doo-ish quality to it. "Seen one, Seen 'em all".
Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction (1997)
Fun, but dumb
This show was a lot of fun to watch, primarily because of the guessing game it demands the viewer to play. The reinactments were nothing short of awful, though. I figure maybe they were intentionally bad to make it more confusing to the viewer, making it harder to guess whether the story was "Fact or Fiction". However that's a lame excuse. Had the reinactments been better, this show would have been stellar.
Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988)
The WORST
People who say that Police Academy: Mission to Moscow is the worst clearly haven't seen this one. This is easily one of the most pointless movies I've ever seen. It appears the producers just said "Hey, we're bored, let's make a movie." There is little to no effort in continuity, storyline, or even the lightest definition of professionalism. Giving this movie one star is a sort of forced generosity on IMDb.com's part, as the ratings don't go any lower.
Goof on the Roof (1953)
Shemp's last great film
The Three Stooges putting together appliances? Whew. That would be crazy. And that's precisely what takes place here in 1953's GOOF ON THE ROOF, which unfortunately was the great Shemp Howard's last great short. He suffered a stroke around the time this film was made, so his remaining shorts it was apparent he was not well. On top of that, most of them were lame remakes. But this short was brilliant. Funny from beginning to end, and the treasure is the logic the boys use throughout the film. "Hmmm, I need a longer arm or a shorter wall...Hmmm, Shorter wall!" This is stoogery at its best, as truly nothing goes right, despite the good intentions by the boys, but that's how things go I guess. EXCELLENT SHORT!
Black Sheep (1996)
As Good as Tommy Boy?
What are you people smoking? This movie was terrible. David Spade himself didn't think it was funny. Tommy Boy matched slapstick and sarcasm on a road trip, and while the plot was pretty weak, I still laughed my head off at many scenes. But this? I cracked a smile, maybe once before the very end of the movie. I murmured out what could maybe...MAYBE considered a giggle. This movie was dry, stupid, repititive, and lame. There were so many useless characters and scenes, I refuse to count them. They try to give Chris Farley a more serious character here, and come on people, HE'S A COMEDIAN. And as the movie wore on it is evident that nothing has changed.
Things can be stupid and funny at the same time, that is very possible. But not this thing. Not even close.
Grade: D-
The Critic (1994)
It's a Shame
The Critic is one of the most original and funniest primetime cartoon shows of all time. I find it hard to believe that ANYTHING could dethrone the great Simpsons, but I think had this show survived in either of its stints (ABC or FOX) it might very well have done just that. Jon Lovitz is so perfect for this role. Why? I don't know, he just was, he nailed it. I love the various characters and situations, and the quick witted humor had me cracking up at least once every episode. This is easily one of the best shows of all time to get axed so quickly.
RATING: A
North (1994)
BAD
This movie is truly one of the worst I've ever seen. I remember really wanting to see it when it was in theaters, but I never got a chance to. I saw when it premiered on cable about a year later. I was 12 years old. Normally a 12 year old would like this sort of movie. I mean, who honestly has NEVER wanted to at the very least temporarily berid themselves of their parents? Well, thats why I thought I'd like it, it might touch that little anger spot that says "Go away parents". It touched an anger spot. Boy did it ever. I was angry that I had wasted my time. I was angry that I had wasted half a cup of popcorn kernels and a can of soda. I was angry that such a variety of very talented people agreed to do this. The movie is lame, stupid, boring, and dry. It tries to be cute, be barely musters a hideous. On top of everything else, it tries to tackle too many subjects when it couldn't even bring down one. Anyone, ANYONE who enjoyed this film needs to stop being optimistic and face facts. THIS MOVIE SUCKED.
X-Men (2000)
Best Marvel movie to date
After seeing 4 sub par Incredible Hulk movies, and seeing Captain America which may have been one of the worst movies I've seen PERIOD, it was nice to see a Marvel Comic based film that appeared to have had some effort put into it. This premise was great because its difficult to disagree with the villain, Magneto, on his stance, and his bitterness is understandable. Great performances by the cast, and pretty good special effects. The ending was a little dry, and kind of didn't add up, but all in all it was an enjoyable film. I can't wait for the sequel!
The Three Stooges (2000)
The Three Stooges get * out of ****.
I remember vacationing in Florida when this movie aired. I had set up my VCR to record it. The anticipation was killing me. I had known about the movie ever since it was announced some half a year earlier. We came back from Florida 4 days after the movie aired, and I immediately watched it. I tried as hard as I could to like it, but I didn't.
I am a HUGE 3 stooges fan. And as such I know quite a bit about them. So it wasn't like I was expecting to learn anything from the movie, and I didn't. I was more interested with the portrayals and seeing how accurate their information was. There were many things wrong with this film. The actors, the script, the reenactments, ALL could have been much better.
Paul Ben-Victor is a tremendously talented actor. But let's face facts, Moe Howard was WAY out of his reach. He doesn't look like him, he doesn't sound like him, and thus, he can't act like him. Michael Chiklis is also very talented, but his portrayal of Curly didn't quite score with me, although when Curly becomes ill he did very well at that. John Kassir's portrayal of Shemp could've been rehearsed better. It was more of a bad impression than a portrayal. Worst of all was Joe Besser. They made him skinny, and more annoying than he really was. It was just plain laziness. I don't like the Joe shorts, because, as the movie illustrates he hardly EVER got hit. But he wasn't that annoying, and DEFINATELY wasn't that thin. The best performance belongs to Evan Handler. He had the most accurate stooge portrayal. The problem with Larry's character, his hair is WAY too frizzy and WAY too red. I know that's too technical, so I won't count that on my list of why I didn't like this movie.
Back to Shemp, who just so happens to be my favorite stooge. He is written as a whining, quivering, chicken. True, he had many phobias, but he wasn't that bad. He didn't leave the group initially because he was afraid of Ted Healy, although he didn't like him, Shemp left because he received an offer from another studio that he simply couldn't turn down. Instead of the truth, this movie chooses to make him wet the bed, on Larry no less, run into a closet, and shamefully bow out of the group. Another problem is that Shemp made nearly as many Columbia shorts as Curly did as a stooge, but only one, Fright Night, which was his first short, is shown. His career was almost completely ignored. Plus, lousy editing caused a terrible and most unforgivable error. Shemp was born in early 1895, and died in late 1955. That would make him how old at death? Well, here's a hint, it's not 59 as the movie states.
Now for the writing, which I think was flawed only because this movie was rushed out. Some of the lines are dumb and could be developed and/or introduced much better than they were. The one line that really got me was at the very end of the film, when Moe is showing the promoter how the eyepoke is done.
"That's how we do it, make contact with the brow bone, not the eyes, looks real on film though." this line was poorly written and poorly placed in the film. It's meant to be one of those lines that make the audience say OH! In amazement and I'm sure it did with some people, but the very end of the movie was not the place for this line. A better place you ask? How about when they show up at Columbia for the first time and are introduced to the sound effects machine. I know initially there was no sound for the eyepoke, but Moe for instance could have said, "What about this?" and eyepokes Curly or Larry. Jules White then says "Are you okay?" or "How'd you do that?" There were a lot of misplaced lines in this film which is a clear sign that the script was rushed out. Another one involves the origin of the name Shemp, although that one isn't as bad, and so I will let that one slide.
What does this film do well? It illustrates how the stooges were screwed by Columbia, which they were. I'm not sure if Moe was an errand boy, but that was the kind of dramatization stuff that is meant to get the viewer sympathizing with them. I know this film was a dramatization. I know not everything is going to be crisp and clean and absolutely perfect. However some of the stuff they made up and the real stuff that they ignored were in serious conflict with each other. For instance Curly's stroke is not even close to the way it happened in real life. I know, I know, dramatization, but the purpose of dramatizations is to make real events more dramatic. Curly's stroke in real life is more dramatic than what they showed in the movie. Here's what really happened. Curly was sitting in a chair off screen while a scene was being shot, they called him for the final pie fight scene but there was no response. Moe went to go get him and discovered his little brother head slumped, half paralyzed, unable to speak, and tears streaming down his face. Moe then said "Babe?" and tried to help him out of his chair. Poor Curly drops to his knees. Then the ambulance was called.
All in all, this movie wasn't terrible, but it certainly wasn't good, or even OK. This film portrays the stooges helplessly and inaccurately and sometimes goes overboard with dramatizations. There is a very, VERY long list of inaccuracies in this film. If you don't believe me, check out a fella named Stooge's list at the threestooges.com news forum. It is about a page and a half long. Some things in the movie I can let slide. But others were unforgivable. The Three Stooges were geniuses, and a lot of today's comedy is based off of what they did. Don't believe me? Check out the Simpsons, and more so Ren & Stimpy. But this film fails to capture their genius. It more so inaccurately captures their hardships, which is important, but if the title of the film is gonna be the Three Stooges, it has to portray their ingenuity and originality more than anything.