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Reviews
Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga (2020)
I love this silly movie
I had been working as an "essential worker" on Oahu during the pandemic. My dream of moving to Hawaii had been an interesting journey, having moved there without a plan I made it work, but it was always temporary. Then, here we all were dealing with a completely new foreign and complex world full of restrictions and taboos. Not being sure when I was going to move back to mainland, I had been dealing with depressive thoughts, hoping work would drown out the madness. I decided to give Farrell a looks-y, not enjoying about half his movie catalogue...
And was floored.
The movie was fun. The acting, goofy. The Eurovision singers during the song-a-long, perfect. The ending: still makes me cry. I balled my eyes out the first time.
Yes, very odd. I missed home though, and now home wasn't even possible because the world had changed forever. The sadness was just masking the beauty of the perfect song though. It is a perfect song, and now we are living in a completely new world with endless possibilities. The beauty of that ending still gets me and I've over-listened to Molly Sanden's "Husavik" ever since.
The Simpsons (1989)
Just. Stop.
Seriously, whoever you guys are who have been keeping this ridiculous thing going, please stop watching.
There is absolutely nothing more to watch, at this point I think you guys are just mentally ill. Let me clarify that. "Addicted". Find a filler for your Sunday nights or whatever time block they occupy now, (I wouldn't know the details, because, like most people, I stopped watching around 1998).
For the kiddos that only started watching after 1998, it's just time for you as well. 10 years of content is enough. If it's not enough, we have failed as a society.
The Simpsons have predicted a few things, but the one prediction that is the most profound and flies under the radar, is that people will allow themselves to glaze over and mind numbingly tune in to whatever trash that's put in front of them if the colors and lines are pleasing to the eye. Makes me wonder if China thought of the Simp's when developing TikTok.
I'm done. Whoever reads this, get a life.
Wish (2023)
Miracles are hard to come by
This movie is anti-Christian.
Once upon a time there was a good king who received prayers from everyone in his kingdom. He had the ability to see these prayers and perform miracles on them if he saw fit to. But, the king realized that everyone was wishing for their deepest hearts desires instead of praying. The king spoke with his staff and other nobles about what to do about the issue and they all agreed that in order for people to understand the true purpose of praying, they needed to do some community outreach.
When people first heard that their deepest desires weren't appropriate to pray for, many of them were confused, but the more outreach the king and his nobles did, people began to understand. They finally saw that prayers were not about getting things or fixing things, they weren't about wanting and desiring so much as they were for professing gratitude and thankfulness. The people finally looked around at each and realized that their true desires were able to be talked about amongst each other and anything needed now could be out in the open. Now the people had a true connection with each other and the king could finally get back to his real work. Because, as you aren't a king you won't immediately understand, but the true nature of miracles isn't very understandable at all.
Escape Plan 2: Hades (2018)
The Difference
We know our movies pander to us, and we know the plots and acting are trash, but we enjoy our trash and will continue to watch whatever they keep pumping out.
We don't feel the need to whine and cry that people see through the obvious manipulation, we don't care people won't come to see this in theaters or pay money to stream it.
We know who the characters are that we watch and what the actors stand for, and we don't hide behind insults and victimhood from the messages portrayed.
If you don't like it, fine. If you are uncomfortable, ok.
Don't watch it. Don't bother us.
That's the difference.
There's Something Wrong with the Children (2023)
Ridiculous
Firstly, the dialogue was poorly written.
That's first. I'm going to try to make this long winded so that I can say what I really want to say.
Very good production. I can't tell if the acting was poor or it's the writing, I'm just going to say it's both. I mean, I'm unfamiliar with this director but it could just be her.
It's probably her.
In any case, it doesn't matter, because the idea is just preposterous. That should have been my heading. The idea that kids can cause mayhem is a creepy premise, as in: Children Of The Corn, or Lord Of The Flies, but two little kids? No.
Puppets, sure. Gremlins, ok, cause they have crazy teeth. Ghosts, I'm in. Little brat kids? Two of them? I would WRECK a kid.
Come at me with that shovel and see what happens little dude, swear all you want, it's all gonna be over in one second...
Everything's Gonna Be All White (2022)
Cognitive dissonance
Look that definition up, for real.
Really bad series. It's the (cough cough) production that really tanks this. I just couldn't with the low quality visuals and audio. Sure. That's what it was.
I mean, if they spent a bit more on materials they could have produced something inspiring in both mind and body. I want to hear transitions with decent music interludes. I want to see historical news clippings. I want to feel through visual depictions.
The experts seemed too focused on their lighting. The director seemed too focused on himself.
The actors did an amazing job though. Hands off to them, they know how to act.
Kung fu (2004)
Kung Fu Hustlehead
This is one of the greatest films ever made. The mixture of satire and drama with equal parts action hero storyline are explosively serene. Peacefully chaotic. Sweet and sour?
I watch this whenever possible or whenever I can. I just watched the Cinema Wins video on this and the narrator used the line: "this is one of my comfort movies, I watch it whenever I need to feel something...", and that just sort of sums it up for me.
Stephen chow is the man. I hope to see the sequel that is coming. I hope we get a new cast with a similar storyline so us Kung Fu Hustleheads can get our fix in that sort of "awakened wonder" that permeates the first film the first time you see it.
My Octopus Teacher (2020)
Next film My homeless teacher
He reaches out to the underbelly of society after a "hellish two years" and treks out each day from his Hollywood mansion to spend time on the outskirts of skid row, befriending a nice homeless woman who is rather skittish at first.
Unbeknownst to her, he realizes he is interested in her daily life, and shows genuine compassion and friendliness, proving to her he means no harm. Then, one day a rogue group of bandits hunt and stab her while he watches from afar; making sure not to disrupt her environment so that she can live as an authentic homeless woman.
She receives no care but miraculously heals as best she can and eventually finds someone to mate with. He watches as she carries her baby to term, dying in childbirth. Finally, his experience ends as the other rogue homeless swoop in on her and her belongings and take everything, including her body.
Thank God he has a family that he can now act more humane to, now that his dark urges have been fulfilled.
The Sandman (2022)
Amazon/IMDB keeps deleting this review
This is not a review bomb, this is a critique of the acting ensemble that just does not work. I've done a sneaky thing and added a line directly from the show as my ending. It seems SOME people don't like it, so I guess the proper nerve was struck. Neil Gaiman writes interestingly, but the world that was created here was substandard to the original idea.
I think the theatricality of many of the actors was great, but the core group didn't mesh well. Specifically I'm talking about the wooden and stale Vanesu Samunyai. I don't really see how she stood out in an audition for anything, let alone this. It feels like someone chose her for something other than her skills, and then poked and prodded her through every scene, monologue and line to squeak out anything they could from the very small and shallow well of tools she had to offer.
Given her desire I'm sure eventually, with enough training and experience she could handle some commercial work: toothpaste, medicine, maybe breakfast items, but she has no place in acting beyond that.
Though, after putting us through this atrocity, Vanesu should recuse herself from acting altogether and go back to whence she came and if you disagree, well, you're not very smart are you?
The Orville: From Unknown Graves (2022)
Is that you Data?
Aside from the glaring plot hole that somehow the Vandicon servitude bots were developed with eye gun turrets, it was a good episode.
Although, posing the idea that genocide is an acceptable logical step to take (when the interaction between the CEO of Vandicon and his Assistant proved that not everyone in society was on board with the hand the Vandicon robots were dealt) seems kind of ludicrous and messy as far as story goes.
Or maybe I misunderstood the point of the Emoting Kaylon's story to Charly. This series is kind of different than many other shows, and one has to step back and ask if the writers were deliberately being ridiculous making the "overlords" just regular happy capitalists doing regular happy capitalist things; inadvertently (or deliberately) walking down the road towards evil. Taking that part seriously would be silly and I give no points for creativity if it was meant to be an allegorical representation of colonial era slavery. Way to simplistic and rudimentary.
Anyway, I actually really like the show and it's truly vile villian - the Kaylon's.
Aside from the plot whole, it was pretty hilarious when K-1 popped his turrets out and sniped his masters though 9/10.
Girls (2012)
Weird
I have a sneaking suspicion that Lena and her wealthy parents spent hundreds of thousands of dollars spamming the reviews and ratings of this awful show (through some rich-people-conspiratorial-means) just to solidify Lena's legacy as a talented artist.
Either that or the ratings of this show really tell the story of how many people there actually are with bad taste with the nerve to defend bad art. Which is what this is. Bad, horrible, awful art.
What Is a Woman? (2022)
The times are changing
The people are speaking out against the absolute ridiculous illogic that a loud privileged minority are spewing!
Have you ever listened to a flat-earther explain the science behind our solar system and been baffled by the sheer lunacy of their belief structure? Well, strap in because biology is on the docket and they would have you believe some pretty far fetched claims regarding sex, gender, and what the science says.
Enter Matt Walsh, who's just looking to connect some dots, logically.
Person to Person (2017)
I got big love for this movie
I loved the good-natured Bene Coopersmith. Great ensemble cast, great rhythm, and it's not too often we're served with endings like that!
I don't really see the flatness or dullness or empty simplicity I'm reading about in the negative reviews. I liked the stream of consciousness vibe and think we saw a good mix of existential dread, and the passions that lead us on journeys either away from, or back to that existential dread.
I really enjoyed that ending.
Obi-Wan Kenobi (2022)
Sorry
Disney trips over itself once again in this Obi Wan fan-fiction-esque try.
This deserves a low star rating. Most of the actors are forgettable. It's like watching Surf Ninjas or the American version of Power Rangers but with tons of money sunk into production costs. The overacting is cringy, the situations are unbelievable, and the writers don't seem to understand human characteristics or societal nature, instead substituting a strictly one dimensional superficiality in its viewpoint of what a story arc should be. I find it sad that Disney wasted our time with a recap only to showcase how ridiculously drastic they can make characters change in order to be a slave to that previously mentioned one dimensional story arc.
Maybe they should have spent more time in the lab, with a pen and a pad, taking notes on the multitude of references they had in the form of Star Wars books.
The Requin (2022)
Alicia Silverstone this generation's Kelly McGillis
As much as I hate to admit it, but being somewhat of a misanthrope, I think they nailed the average western couple here.
We are just incapable bad actors hidden underneath very superficial attempts to appear we aren't, all while trying in some way, however idiotic, to prove that Jack, too, could have fit on the raft at the end of Titanic.
This is unrelated, but I read a 10 star review on here (reading the reviews was more entertaining than watching the movie) from a person suggesting that filming in Vietnam was a nice cultural choice. That told me enough about what kind of person gives this kind of movie a 10 star review, but my own extra star was given for the realism of the actors as they spent every single hour filming at universal studios. Which is actually kind of a fun place.
Turning Red (2022)
I didn't really like it, but it wasn't horrible
Cutsie Pixar story about coming-of-age pre-teen girls. It's bad. Eastern culture vs. Western culture: i.e. Traditional Mom vs rebellious Daughter. Comically overbearing mom with a mommy complex of her own.
Nothing original here.
It had some funny parts, things became unhinged almost immediately for comedic affect, blah.
Not sure if I'd want my daughter to be a furry but there are worse things to be I guess.
The Wonder Years (2021)
Nostalgic
Took myself out of the currently fanatical and polarized society we are in today and placed myself back in the shoes I was in when I enjoyed the original series.
Not that my point of views are ever fanatical or polarized, but it's hard to get into that different perspective as an adult to remember what I loved about the original series when I was younger. As it turns out, for me, I can see everything in this reboot that was there in the Fred Savage series, it's just done from a black perspective.
At the end of the day this is just as poignant and funny as I remembered, and I can see kids falling in love with the characters and following them through their own growth of adolescence, as I did.
By the way, I give most of the shows/movies I enjoy 10 stars. I don't see the point of nuancing art to death. It's a great show and totally deserves 10 stars, so deal.
Game of Thrones: The Iron Throne (2019)
Oh yeah
I forgot to write a review, let me just throw something together....
And that is how I feel the writers brought a great show to an end. Whether it was just too many parties and engagements to attend that they just couldn't focus, the drugs finally derailing their creative energies, or maybe it was just Martin's book template that hid their true abilities.
In the end it didn't matter, they ruined the whole show with this pulsating gash of a climax. Almost three years later and I still refuse to rewatch any part of GoT.
The Wheel of Time (2021)
So far I'm happy!
Having history with the books obviously slants my bias, plus I had no expectations of this ever happening, so now that it has, I knew there would be creative license with many aspects of the story and I decided to roll with whatever I saw.
That being said, I think new viewers unacquainted with the story will have a hard time with all the different names being thrown around and the customs for each cultures the friends continue to meet. Add the culture of Shaitan and all his minions to that too. I hope it's not an overwhelming experience that turns people off.
This isn't game of thrones which people are already trying to compare it to, and that might turn them off.
There are aspects to game of thrones within one culture of people, but the story is much larger than that.
I like the actors, production, I like the direction things have gone so far. I hope everyone keeps in mind it's the first season. Go back and rewatch GOT season one and compare in to season four....there are many wonderful differences viewership and money can add to the storyline.
The Wheel of Time: Leavetaking (2021)
Waited 22 years for this
Older, wiser, knew adapting a book of this magnitude to the screen would give us a somewhat different story.
In the first 15 minutes I knew I was going to enjoy this series.
Literally choked up getting through this first episode. I was only 20 years old when I picked up Eye Of The World.
Jungle Cruise (2021)
Ditzyland
It's a literal mixture of every cliché from Indiana Jones and The Rundown with a sprinkle of the jungle ride at Disneyland. Only minus the parts that make all those things fun, interesting and iconic.
The Odds (2018)
Um
What are the odds you either didn't skip through most of the movie, or watched the whole thing until the end?
50/50.
Sala samobójców. Hejter (2020)
Wow.
I wanted to be dismissive of this movie because of superficial reasons.
The dubbed English, the desperate nature of the main character in the beginning that seemed over-the-top creepy, a couple lines that seemed corny.
What can I say, I like to watch bad movies because sometimes they grow on you and give you good ideas.
As the movie progressed though, I realized I was watching a film that might have some depth to it. I looked up from my phone confused and had to rewind a couple scenes to catch up.
What was unfolding here?
I'm not a film student or professional movie critic, so I can't tell you about the lens and filters used to give many scenes a bleak and emotionless feel to them. I just felt the emptiness of the world the main character lived in. I watched the actor's empty portrayal of a budding sociopath slipping through each relationship he conned his way into, and I saw nothing behind his eyes most of the time.
How do you play a sociopath so well?
I don't know but I hope Maciej Musiaowski gets recognition for this. I felt I was watching a real life Emperor Palpatine pulling strings. So sinister this character. Devious, creepy, believable.
Whatever holes there may have been I ignored them because the acting sold me and I enjoyed the ride.
Great film, and everyone involved in should be proud of it.
Dark Encounter (2019)
I always heard the expression
A watched pot never boils.
Consider this movie the reason they came up with that saying...in a crazy cosmic-time-travel-ala-interstellar kind of way.
Whoa, that was weird imagining that. Also, that's about the size of the creativity we are working with here.
An inordinate amount of screen time is devoted to bright shiny lights just off screen and characters stopping dead in their tracks to slowly turn to look. Mostly the light stays just out of eyesight. I guess the good reviews didn't mind the "light tease" cliché.
I'd rather watch Epoch again.
Extraction (2015)
Huh?
Could only watch the first 19 minutes.
In those 19 minutes it felt like at least 12 "my dad" or "your dad" references. Maybe there was more. A guy said he would suck his dad's ****. Seriously.
I'm guessing the rest of the movie was contingent upon us believing Bruce Willis was a super agent that no one had been able to keep up with...until his son (Kellan Lutz) finally proved his mettle. I bet he saved his dad even.
Plus they gave Dan Bilzerian a speaking role. The guy is the man, ok, but he's like a good looking and competent Tommy Wiseau. Keep him at the after party, give him a voice role in Zootopia 2 as an evil leopard, just don't cast him as the guy who sits in the dark by the computer saying smart things. I turned it off after that scene. I was filled with dread at the prospect of having to hear Dan say something like "we've zeroed in on the signal, they're on the move".