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Reviews
AVP: Alien vs. Predator (2004)
If Alien and Predator were brother and sister, this movie was their creepy uncle who molested/defiled them both.
AVP holds a unique place in my heart because it took a dump on not just one of my favorite 80's movies, but two. I thought it couldn't get much worse after Alien 3 or Alien: Resurrection. However, this movie gave me a whole new perspective.
AVP had just about everything I hate in a movie
bad plot, acting, writing, etc., etc., etc. But I'm not even going to write about any of those. I'm not even going to write about how bad this movie massacred the plots of the original two movies. No, I'm going to write about my biggest pet peeve of all in movies
the late 90's to 2000's "action movie woman" cliché. For that this movie was the epitome.
Let's recap the original Predator and Alien movies. The predator kicks everyone's ass (including a bunch of trained Army Special Forces like Jessie Ventura). Then Arnold, only after the predator voluntarily removes all it's weapons, uses his military training to narrowly kill the predator (and Arnold get's the crap kicked out of him in the process). In the Alien movies, Sigourney Weaver (after getting the crap kicked out of her) manages to kill the alien queen with the use of a massive cargo robot. And the queen still lays its eggs inside Sigourney eventually killing her.
Cutting foreword to the 2004 movie "Alien vs. Predator." A female professional ice climber single handedly (with the aid of a shield and spear made out of used alien parts) wipes out everyone. Those aliens didn't even stand a chance. Not only was she able to kick the most feared aliens and predators in the universe's asses without the use of any weapons, but the predator actually teems up with her so she can help protect him. Come on.
I'm not even complaining about equal rights bull. I'm complaining because the "action movie woman" cliché completely ruins movies and TV shows. There's this thing called a plot. When that plot fails to surprise you because of crappy cliché's that you can call a mile away
it's not much of a plot.
Zombi 3 (1988)
A Work of Pure Genius!
Ohhh man! Now this is what I'm talking about! As far as bad/cheesy horror flicks go this movie was truly in a class of its own. A real gem!
First off, the film wasn't originally in English. That's okay because the voice dubbing was truly exceptional! Here is my favorite excerpt from the dialog (and there is plenty more where this came from)
"I'm feeling a little better. I'm just thirsty
FOR YOUR BLOOD!"
And what drama! Here is a play by play recap of the interaction between the military and scientists
Scene 1
Scientist: "You can't do that
It'll be a disaster!" -- Military Officer: "That's just science fiction" (he then proceeds to cause a complete disaster just like the scientist predicted).
Scene 2
Scientist: "If you do that many people will die!!!" -- Military Officer: "you don't know what you're talking about." (he does it and many people die).
Scene 3
Scientist: "Don't do that
It'll kill everyone!" -- Military Officer: "That's nonsense" (he then proceeds to kill everyone)
Scene 4, 5, 6, 7
(you get the idea).
If that wasn't enough
there were a few scenes that really stood out as instant classics! In one scene, the military has literally 10 guys pointing guns at two unarmed men. The leader yells, "Go get 'em!" and all 10 army guys, one at a time, drop their guns and fist fight the two adversaries! Instant classic!
And don't worry. No attention to detail was left out! This movie even had a hip/upbeat '80's keyboard/synth soundtrack to set the mood!
And trust me
I realize this review might contain some spoilers, but there are so many goodies in this epic I really only scratched the surface. A movie of this caliber only comes out once a decade! A true movie watching experience! A masterpiece! Wow!
X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)
A shame if you enjoyed the first two...
Imagine if Michelangelo only completed 2/3rd's of the Sistine Chapel. Now imagine if the Pope handed a 5 year old boy a box of crayons and told him to finish it. Thinking it would be "cool," the boy goes on to finish the work of art by scribbling a bunch of random scenes involving monster trucks with lasers and robots fighting each other. That pretty much sums up how I felt when I left the theater after seeing X-men 3. Singer did such a wonderful job building up the characters and atmosphere in the previous two films only to have the series finished by Ratner, who only seemed concerned with fight scenes and special effects.
I would write a plot summary, but that clearly wasn't the selling point of this movie. Rather, Ratner's approach to making X3 seemed to be, "Okay
I've got some really cool ideas for fight scenes and special effects. Now let's build a movie around them." Consequently, there was scene after scene in this movie with no other purpose. For example, what was the point in moving the golden gate bridge, the most expensive special effect in the movie (and yes I know it was to reach Alcatraz, but think about it)? What was the point in the fight scene between Wolverine and the Juggernaut in Jean's house? There was none. If you would like plenty more examples of scenes that were completely pointless read any IMDb review with 5 stars or less (there are plenty).
And so much for character development. This flick introduced about 2 billion new characters to the trilogy. Rather than develop any of them individually, Ratner paints all the sub-villains as "Goth" and doesn't even bother trying to develop the rest. The only characters I felt any emotion for were the ones that Singer developed in the previous films
and by emotion I mean utter disappointment for what could have been.
The director also seemed to assume his audience was a bunch of complete idiots. Gone were the subtleties that enhanced the plot of X2. Gone were any opportunities for the audience to reach conclusions by themselves. In place, the characters often explained/narrated everything they did like a bad episode of Thundercats. This movie also had the largest continuity error I've ever seen (i.e., the change from day to night when Magnito moved the bridge
followed by another continuity error where all the cars remained on the bridge after magneto threw them at the police). Not to mention that entire scene was just plain retarded. Rather than Pyro lighting the cars on fire as magneto hurled them
why didn't magneto just hurl everything at the police while Pyro, I don't know, burned the people directly?
Normally I would say to avoid this movie like it came with an airborne form of herpies (and most of the people I saw the movie with would agree). However, one of the guys I went to the theater with thoroughly enjoyed X3. Why? Because he loves action flicks and wasn't in the mood for a movie that made him think. I suppose that's true; if you can turn your brain off it is a decent action flick. Therefore, if you're planning on viewing this, be aware it isn't anything like the first two movies.
The Omen (2006)
Unnecessary
This 2006 remake is an almost exact replica of the original "Omen," a classic horror flick about a family that unknowingly adopts the son of Satan (i.e., Damien). Since the original 1976 version is a good movie, this one was decent as well. However, like most remakes, the director managed to remove the subtleties that made the original movie great. In the original Omen the director left uncertainty as to if Damien was really the spawn of Satan. However, keeping with the stile of most movies made in the last 20 years, the remake assumed the audience was composed of low-grade morons and removed any such ambiguity.
I'll provide one example to demonstrate my point. Both movies contain a scene where Damien goes to a zoo and all the animals go crazy in his presence. In the original 1976 movie Damien looks innocent and even frightened by this. However, in the 2006 remake Damien has an evil look to him (something he has the entire movie with a touch of dark red makeup around his eyes) as he heartlessly proclaims, "They fear me." Subtle differences, but drastic in changing the movie's tone.
In summary, this isn't a bad movie and stays fairly true to the original. However, if you have the option of choosing between the two
Choose the original 1976 movie. It truly is better.
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That being said, why remake a perfectly fine move? I'll never know. It's not like the original "Omen" had any real need to be remade. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I mean, it's not like Hollywood isn't constantly re-using old plots anyway. At least the movie studio didn't insult our intelligence by calling this movie by a different name like "666: the Child" (a blatant "Omen" rip-off that came out the same year as this remake).
Death Tunnel (2005)
Pretty much what I expected
Normally I am more brutal when reviewing a movie this bad, but let's face it
I knew what I was getting into before I watched it. I reserve my most brutal reviews for movies that had potential or a budget. My guess is that everyone else that watched this expected a bad movie too. However, I noticed a lot of people are calling this "disappointing" and saying they want their 90 minutes back like they actually didn't know what they were getting into. Therefore, if you read the back of the box and have an IQ of 50 (or whatever the lowest IQ is of someone still capable of reading and going on-line) and thought Death Tunnel sounded worth watching, this review is for you.
Death Tunnel is a movie about 5 college girls trapped in an abandoned hospital where lots of atrocities happened many years earlier (all explained in the intro). Why the girls were in the hospital with cameras on them was never really explained very well, but it seemed to have something to do with a college initiation and a really bad plot twist near the end of the movie. Fortunately, this initiation required the ladies to wear bedtime clothes so all the women were scantily clad. And unlike most other horror movies of this caliber, the college girls didn't look like 40-year-old washed up porn stars with pig tails (which is why I rated this movie 3 stars instead of 2). Don't get your hopes up though
you only get to see one of them naked and it was the least attractive of them. Not only that, but her nude scene was about as stupid/pointless as they get.
At the time of this writing the IMDb rating is 2.7. I would have to agree with that. This movie didn't look too low budget and I guess I can see how this plot might have looked good on paper (hell, it's been done many times successfully by other directors in the past), but that's about all it had going for it. The acting/writing/directing/editing were all sub-par. I would provide examples, but there was nothing really memorable or special in this movie worth noting. I really wouldn't recommend it unless you, like me, are a fan of really bad/cheesy horror movies.
There is one other thing I would like to say in the 0.01 % chance a future horror movie director reads this looking for suggestions
Horror movies should never have a techno/metal soundtrack. There's this thing called "atmosphere" and the soundtrack is vital to establishing this.
Transformers (2007)
It's not too bad of a movie... if you're brain dead or drunk!
****** "Spoilers" below ******
Alright, I realize a movie with giant alien robots that transform into vehicles requires suspension of disbelief. That's fine, but this movie's plot was just plain retarded. Once the awe of the special effects wore off, I started a drinking game
drink every time I find a major plot hole or bad movie cliché. Not too surprising
the second half of the movie wasn't too bad (e.g., I passed out).
I loved the part where we learn that the department of defense hires high school kids to manage computer security. I bet NASA does too. That might explain why we lost the Mars probe and sent the Hubble telescope up with its lens on backwards. Let's just say this
if I was sitting there while the nations computers were being hacked and my chief computer security specialist concluded (without yet knowing about transformers), "It must be a self-replicating DNA-like robotic intelligent life form doing this," I would have told her to "Shut up and suck my ****" because that's obviously why I hired her.
I'm not convinced that the acting was bad. To be honest, the parts they were given were so ridiculous that I doubt anyone could look good performing them. The main actor, Shia LaBeouf, was so annoying and dumb with so many bad one-liners that I kept wishing he would die or be seriously injured. And the worst part was that I knew this movies 1-dimensional plot would end with him winning. That made it all the more unbearable.
The main female role, played by Megan Fox, was the typical "action movie girl" of the late 90's and 2000's. What do I mean by that? Well
she was never wrong. She knew more about mechanics (or anything) than any "man" in the movie. And a tiny alien robot thing that can single handedly take out Air Force One and kill 10's of secret service agents? No problem. Hand the "action movie woman" a saber saw and it doesn't stand a chance. At least she fit the rest of the "action movie woman" cliché (i.e., she was hot).
Then came my favorite part of the movie! Shia needed his glasses and for whatever reason couldn't tell his parents. Therefore, all the transformers are in his front lawn hiding from his parents. No, they don't do this by sitting in the street in car form. No, they do this while in robot-person form crouching under the windows and whatnot. This was the point where I decided that finishing the movie was going to require lots of encouragement from my friend in Old Milwaukee (beer).
I watched the second half of the movie about 2 hours later and it never really got better. Thank God I was drunk. Let's just say that instead of fighting in a desert, the good guys drive to the nearest high-population city and decide to duke it out there. It might have been my drinking, but all the transformers started looking exactly the same (poor artists I guess) and it was tough to figure out who was fighting who. All the bad guys die (or rather
are dumped in the ocean?) and everyone lives happily ever after.
At any rate, I wouldn't recommend this piece of crap and expect to see it on Mystery Science Theater about 50 years from now. This review really only skimmed the surface of the plot holes and cliché's. There's plenty more if you're looking for a good drinking game! It must not be all bad
it is currently rated at 7.6/10. My guess is that MTV played some Transformer's commercials or something. And we all know, if MTV says it's good, there's bound to be an infinite number of 13 year olds who agree!
Farscape: The Game (2002)
About 30 minutes of crap
Imagine playing a game like Doom, Halo, Warcraft, or whatever. Now imagine if those games only contained the tutorial level. If you can do that you should have a pretty good idea of what playing this Farscape game is like. The game had good graphics and great voice acting. Unfortunately, the game took me literally 30 minutes to beat (well... certainly less than 2 hours) and felt very much like the tutorial to a game.
I went out and bought the game about 2 weeks after it hit the shelves. The fact that it had already been marked down 20 dollars in price was my first warning.
Unless you are a die-hard Farsape fan... stay away. However, if you aren't a fan of Farscape it probably couldn't hurt to play this game... it certainly won't take you long.