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Animorphs (1998–2000)
6/10
Making the best of a bad situation
16 July 2014
In the strange and foggy No Man's Land of children's literature betwixt R.L. Stine's Goosebumps series and J.K. Rowling's phenomenal Harry Potter novels, K.A. Applegate reigned supreme. Pound for pound, I daresay Animorphs was every bit as intriguing (and probably better written) than Harry Potter, and leaps and bounds more mature than Goosebumps; and while the series developed problems after a few years (an over complicated, meandering mythology, inferior ghostwriting), I contend that the first spate of books are masterpieces in their own right, leveling an often profound gaze at the effects of war and savagery on formerly untroubled minds.

When I, a fresh-faced young lad of 11, first learned that a television show was in the works to bring my favorite books to life on the small screen, I was elated. I admit my heart sank a bit when I heard it was to be produced by Nickelodeon, who by the late '90s had shifted their focus from the preteen and teen market to a demographic exclusively in the 8-12 range; but realistically, what other network would air such an adaptation? The books were too violent and dark to air on a children's network, but no adult was going to watch a show about high school students turning into animals and fighting aliens. Perhaps it could have worked on the WB, following the success of high-school themed shows like Buffy, but alas, that was not the way things worked out.

Apart from the censorship, the biggest problem a Nickelodeon adaptation would run into was budgetary. The books played out on a grand scale, every installation featuring aliens, spaceships, guerrilla warfare, shapeshifting, and occasionally, entirely different planets. Those elements were either scaled back or dropped entirely for the television series. The alien prosthetics were unconvincing, Applegate's concepts being much more ambitious than the average "wrinkly forehead" aliens featured on the average Star Trek episode. I remember my disappointment at the introduction of Elfangor and the Hork Bajir in the pilot episode. They were underwhelming, to say the least.

When I discovered the show was available on Netflix, I watched it on a whim, in the background, with all the preconceptions of my high expectations dissipated in the course of time. The first few episodes are still pretty abysmal, with lackluster writing and facile direction. There just wasn't enough money or creative freedom to accomplish what Applegate did in the books.

As the series progresses, however, it comes into its own, crafting an identity as its own entity separate from the prose. The characters become more three-dimensional on their own terms; the acting improves; the budgetary limitations are circumvented. True, sometimes (oftentimes) the villains are incredibly stupid and the action sequences don't hold up all that well; the psychological and physical effects of a full-fledged war are neutered by the network mandate to remain "kid-friendly", which means no death or serious trauma can ever really befall the characters. But the basic human interaction, the relationships, improve, and the storytelling finds firmer footing. If you allow yourself to forget the source material, Animorphs stands as a worthy piece of family entertainment.

It's also fun to see a "before-they-were-famous" Shawn Ashmore and Paulo Costanzo, who have since achieved mainstream success via the X-Men franchise and the popular USA comedy/drama "Royal Pains", respectively. Maybe this is through glasses tinted with hindsight, but they are easily the strongest members of the cast (and I'm including the adults in that), with Ashmore growing into his own as conflicted "I didn't ask for this" leader Jake, and Costanzo stealing the show as fish-out-of-water alien-posing-as-human Aximili, who turns a simple cab ride into a comedy of errors.
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The X-Files: Lord of the Flies (2001)
Season 9, Episode 5
6/10
A bit of a throwback
4 July 2014
After the previous season and a half of character departures, character introductions, retooled mythology, and unyielding darkness and despair, "Lord of the Flies" feels like a deliberate attempt to recapture the lightheartedness and simplicity of a certain subset of pre-Doggett episodes. It would have felt right at home in season 6; the storyline of a misunderstood teenager whose unusual powers alternately empower and complicate his unrequited love for an unsuspecting girl would nestle snugly alongside an episode like "The Rain King."

The cast is pretty good for this one, even if Erick Avari is underutilized as the coroner. Michael Wiseman is a standout as the smarmy, pompous Dr. Rocky; his cocky flirtation with an unreceptive Scully finally gives brilliant comic straight (wo)man Gillian Anderson something to do other than shout about her baby and pine over the lost Mulder. (What that woman could do simply by raising an eyebrow...) Look for future TV stars Jane Lynch and Aaron Paul as a well-meaning single mother and a high school bully with a frat-boy mentality, respectively.

Late television director Kim Manners handles the teleplay's uneven tone deftly, imparting the same understated quality to the humor that brought many a Darin Morgan and Vince Gilligan script to life with such grace. As a prolific veteran of the show, Manners crafts an episode that feels familiar, and very much welcome amidst the inexorable momentum of the unceasingly tense Super Soldiers storyline. On its own, "Lord of the Flies" is by no means a great episode, but in the context of the 9th season it is a pleasant diversion.
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4/10
Hasn't aged well
2 May 2010
I quite enjoyed the Bob Hope noir spoof My Favorite Brunette, which also starred Road to... straight woman Dorothy Lamour and featured Bing Crosby in a brief cameo in the last scene. What with the classic status of this particular series I assumed I would get even more of a kick out of this, the first entry, The Road to Singapore. Unfortunately the film just doesn't have much kick to give.

On the whole it's a rather dull affair that only attempts one or two comic set pieces and pads out the rest of the film with some pretty unimpressive dialog. The only bit that even brought a smile to my face was when Hope and Crosby, trying to con a native crowd into buying their sham cleaning products, recruited the hapless Jerry Colonna and proceeded to decimate his immaculate white suit. The writing is entirely by-the-numbers with very little flair for the comedic, wasting Charles Coburn as Crosby's father. Lamour is charismatic and lovable as the dancer that Hope and Crosby rescue from an abusive showman, but she doesn't get much to do besides look pretty and dispense maternal affection. I wish she'd been allowed to do a little comedy, but then the boys don't get to do much of it either, at that, so I suppose that's a bit of a moot point.

I'm a big fan of musicals from the 1930s, but the obligatory songs in The Road to Singapore are pretty flaccid and uninspired. Like those in a Marx Brothers picture you spend too much time just waiting for the singing to be over. Of course the Marx Brothers got back to their hilarious routines when the musical numbers ended, but nobody remembers to do that in this movie.

Most of the love for this series seems to be centered on one or two of the various sequels. I liked the cast of The Road to Singapore, but the problem was the material, so if future outings prepared them with a better script then I'm all for checking them out. In the meanwhile if while traveling you find this road to be the one less traveled, take the other one.
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9/10
Fantastic adventure/western
17 January 2010
I wish I had seen The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. when it first aired on television. I was 6 at the time, and it would have been the perfect addition to the lineup of shows I watched from the greatest of all vantage points, my dad's lap: Bonanza, The Rifleman, Zorro, a one-season wonder called Bordertown, and Star Trek: The Next Generation (the western in space). Unfortunately I didn't discover it until its fortuitous DVD release a few years ago, but better late than never, I suppose.

The pitch for Brisco County was probably something like "Indiana Jones in the Old West"--in fact, co-creator Jeffrey Boam penned the screenplay for Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. The show obviously took its inspiration from the same old serials George Lucas was so influenced by, where the hero was forever caught on a wagon about to go over a cliff or standing in the cross hairs of the vile villain. Like Indiana Jones, eponymous protagonist Brisco County is armed with an unconventional set of weapons and tools, a quick wit, a square jaw, and a smarmy sense of humor. The show was generally light-hearted in tone, getting a lot of comic mileage not only from the quirky banter between the denizens of Brisco's world, but also from a deliberately anachronistic and absurd sensibility. One episode, for example, features a sheriff who's a dead ringer for Elvis Presley, decades before the star was even born. The viewer is also treated to inaccurate origin stories for Dunkin Donuts, drive-through windows, and the phrase from which a certain Robert Plant-led rock band took its name.

The strength of Brisco County lies in that miraculous intersection of great writing and the perfect cast. Bruce Campbell is perfect in the title role. Brisco County Jr. is a hero who relies mostly on strategy, intuition, a Harvard education, and a wise guy outlook to get him out of scrapes, but he can still throw a punch when he needs to. Because Brisco is generally a noble character, the writers tended to invent more clever solutions to problems than simply having him whip out his pistol and shoot someone, and for that reason the show is both more inventive and surprising than it might have been, and also family-friendly.

The late Julius Carry is perfect as brash, pompous rival bounty hunter Lord Bowler, another testament to the writing. It would have been easy to make Lord Bowler a bumbling, incompetent fool who was never any real threat to Brisco. Instead, Bowler is actually a worthy adversary who simply fails to come out on top because he can't swallow his pride. Watching the relationship between Brisco and Bowler grow throughout the series, from rivals to grudging allies to, ultimately, friends, is one of the highlights of the show.

Christian Clemenson is Socrates Poole. He's officially Brisco's lawyer, but as Brisco is a lawyer himself Poole is more often relegated to the role of babysitter, clean-up crew, and sidekick. Poole is essentially the straight man, reacting to and commenting on the endless absurdities that Brisco more or less takes in stride.

Kelly Rutherford is Dixie Cousins, the obligatory on again/off again love interest who draws out Brisco's inability to settle down and commit to a relationship. Dixie is sexy and beguiling, the Bad Girl with a Past who ultimately possesses a heart of gold. John Astin is a charming riot as Professor Wickwire, a spacey but forward-thinking brilliant inventor who often shows up to provide Brisco with the "coming thing," usually in the form of futuristic gadgets such as rockets, diving suits, and blimps. John Pyper-Ferguson is hilarious as Pete Hutter, the strangely likable outlaw who just won't stay dead (a running gag of the show is that Hutter returns in a future episode with no explanation as to how he survived a seemingly fatal incident). Billy Drago is coldly menacing as John Bly, the villain with the viper smile who gunned down Brisco's father and who always seems to be just a step ahead of Brisco and justice. And R. Lee Ermey is great as Brisco County Sr., the father with whom Brisco Jr. had something of a troubled relationship (shades of Sean Connery and Harrison Ford in Last Crusade).

In the "odds and ends" category, Brisco has the same brilliant scope as classic westerns of yore, having been shot on the Warner Brothers back lots that, as I understand it, simply don't exist anymore. Randy Edelman's theme music is brilliant, heroic, and moving, and was appropriated, after the show was canceled, for many NBC sports programs.

Was the show perfect? No, and there's one big reason for that: the Orb. Apparently the writers didn't think Brisco's quest to track down the members of John Bly's gang was enough to keep the show going, so they introduced a vague, powerful, mysterious artifact, the Orb. It's clear that nobody on the writing team figured out exactly what this plot device did or meant, which resulted in its uncanny ability to do whatever was needed for a particular episode, including resurrecting the good guys, incinerating the bad guys, giving people superhuman strength, and enabling time travel. It was the failure to clearly define the Orb's mythology or purpose that makes it feel like a clunky, frustrating deus ex machina, and toward the end of the series its storyline starts to get both convoluted and pretty silly, resulting in a very unsatisfying exit for the character of John Bly.

That aside, The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. is a top notch western/sci fi/adventure/comedy/action/romance with great performances and a unique, fun flavor. I hate writing conclusions so I'm just going to stop writing...now.
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7/10
Fun noir-tinged spoof
3 November 2009
I caught this on Turner Classic Movies over the summer--my first Bob Hope picture. The plot concerns a baby photographer, Ronnie Jackson, whose office is just down the hall from a Sam Spade-ish private eye, Sam McCloud (played by the mostly absent Alan Ladd). When McCloud is forced to leave for a while, Jackson does the neighborly thing and looks after his office, thereafter getting mixed up in a murderous mystery where danger lurks around every corner and nothing is as it seems.

My Favorite Brunette is no comic masterpiece, but it's fun light viewing. The solid script and direction are bolstered by a good cast. Bob Hope is Bob Hoping it for all he's worth, Dorothy Lamour is suitably sexy as the damsel in distress, and Peter Lorre is both menacing and hilarious as he sends up his screen persona. Lon Chaney, Jr. is also quite enjoyable as a hulking simpleton (obviously a take-off on his turn as Lennie in the 1939 adaptation Of Mice and Men) who's tricked into working for the bad guys.

The mystery at the heart of the plot was satisfying--for me, anyway--working in enough zany twists and turns to stay surprising along the way. Ultimately, though, it's no more important than as the framework from which to hang Hope's mugging and one-liners. The film moves at a fast enough pace that, if one joke fails to take off, another comes along directly behind it. There's no time to get bored, and Hope's comedic style, while perhaps bland to some, is amiable enough for all ages to enjoy. This one's worth checking out.
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Svengoolie (1995– )
7/10
Chicago's horror host
6 September 2009
I'm surprised there aren't more comments here, since probably every horror fan in the suburbs of Chicago grew up aware of Svengoolie. Host Richard Koz employs every trick in the horror host book (and invents a few along the way) to assault the viewer's comic sensibilities between commercial breaks. The humor is terrible and falls along the lines of bad puns, corny song parodies, and rubber chickens catapulted by mysterious off-screen forces. Like all horror hosts worth their salt, Svengoolie seems more satisfied to elicit groans than laughs, but if you're watching movies like Attack of the Puppet People or House of Dracula, you probably don't have enough discretion or self-respect to care anyway. By which I mean, it's all part of the campy charm.

I'm not much a fan of so-bad-they're-good movies, so I tend to watch Svengoolie in thirty-minute increments before losing patience and changing the channel, or leave it on as background ambiance while doing other things, but every so often I get caught up in a film and wind up watching the whole thing. You'd be surprised how good some bad movies actually are, and the movies chosen for the show tend to fall into the category of "misguided" rather than "incompetently made."

My only real complaint about Svengoolie's approach is his extensive use of sound effects (usually audio clips from shows like Animaniacs or The Simpsons) during the film. I find them distracting rather than funny, especially in cases where it takes a moment to determine that they aren't actually part of the film itself. Sometimes the sound effects are kept to a minimum (or not used at all) while in other episodes they splash across the audio landscape with irritating frequency.

But that's a minor complaint. Svengoolie is an interesting Chicagoland curio that keeps alive the schlocky spirit of TV hosts past. Fans of B-grade horror thrills will want to keep an eye on this one.
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Sleepy Hollow (1999)
9/10
A love letter to the horror genre
12 April 2009
Sleepy Hollow runs a close second to Ed Wood as my favorite Tim Burton film so far, and represents perhaps the quintessential "Tim Burton-as-brand-name" experience. To date it is his only genuine horror film, though it tends to run much closer to tongue-in-cheek black comedy, and as such serves as something of a coat rack onto which Burton hangs the dark fabrics of horror films stretching back a full century. The (rather obvious) use of sound stages and the economy of imagery reminds one of silent films such as Nosferatu or the John Barrymore version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, along with a visual scheme that is often almost monochromatic in its use of sepia tones, dark blues, and blacks and whites. The copious, and sometimes ludicrous, splattering of blood against pretty much every clean surface brings to mind the orgiastic excess of grue that characterized slasher films of the eighties. The lavish set design and the abundance of fog and mist, along with the "inspector" element of the story (and the casting of Christopher Lee in a minor role), pay tribute to the Hammer films of the fifties and sixties, particularly those helmed by stylish Technicolor maven Terence Fisher.

Probably the biggest influence on Burton's style, however, is the late Mario Bava, a cult figure whose visually sumptuous low-budget films of the sixties and seventies have been worshiped by filmmakers as diverse as John Landis, Dario Argento, Edgar Wright, Joe Dante, and Quentin Tarantino (but is otherwise relatively, and regrettably, unknown, even in his native Italy). Most apparently reflected in Sleepy Hollow are Bava's Gothic chillers, Black Sunday and Kill, Baby...Kill! Bava, often criticized as a "style over substance" director who cared more about the way his films looked than about story or characterization (a charge often, and probably not coincidentally, leveled at Burton), was a master of mood, with the ability to charge even the most heinous act of murder with a psychosexual beauty, and the knack for soaking even the thinnest plot in an atmosphere that is erotic, gorgeous, and unnerving.

Bava's sensibilities are also reflected in the film's quirky sense of humor as well, which makes use of a fantastic cast. Michael Gambon, Ian McDiarmid, Michael Gough, Jeffrey Jones, and Richard Griffiths, as key members of the community who have a connection with the mystery at the heart of the Headless Horseman murders, all turn up the eccentricity level to 11, with Johnny Depp fearlessly leading the way as the strangely effeminate inspector, Ichabod Crane, sent to investigate the rash of recent murders in a superstitious New England town. Crane is certainly an unconventional action hero--he faints no less than four times throughout the film--and yet his squeamish prissiness works superbly within the off-kilter execution of this dark fairy tale. Who else but Johnny Depp could have played this role? Katrina Van Tassel, as portrayed by Christina Ricci, is a somewhat underdeveloped love interest, but she's got enough courage and heart to keep from fading into the background, and her purity and virtue actually keep her sympathetic as opposed to boring or self-righteous. Another stand-out is Marc Pickering as Young Masbath, sort of the Robin to Ichabod's Batman. A preteen sidekick could have potentially become a desperate and annoying bid for the attention of the high school demographic, but the character both as written and as played by Pickering steers clear of the usual clichés to become just as interesting, funny, and worthwhile as everyone else. And, needless to say, Miranda Richardson and Christopher Walken are equally fascinating and fun to watch in their respective roles, and former Burton fiancée Lisa Marie has just the right "Women of '60s Horror" look to her in a small but pivotal role as Ichabod's mother.

Odds and ends: Kevin Yagher's special effects work here is astonishing. The decapitated heads, even when seen in close up, are phenomenally realistic, more so even than in many films that have come out in the decade since. (Yagher, incidentally, was on board to direct the project in its early stages.) Danny Elfman's score, as usual, is fantastic, hitting all the right notes of portent, eerie grandiosity, and excitement. The cinematography, by frequent Alfonso Cuaron collaborator Emmanuel Lubezki, is gorgeous, and Colleen Atwood does her usual stellar work as Costume Designer. Stunt coordinator Nick Gillard, most famous at the time for his choreography on The Phantom Menace, helps bring to life some fantastic action set pieces that somehow manage to stay within the boundaries of a Gothic horror piece. And of course, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the script by Seven scribe Andrew Kevin Walker. Of course, fans of Washington Irving's original short story may not share my enthusiasm, since Walker discards Irving's themes and decides that the Headless Horseman really is supernatural (and who can blame him, since most of us forget the bones of Irving's story anyway and only remember the ghostly apparition that didn't actually exist).

All in all, Sleepy Hollow is a supreme fright flick, entirely appropriate for any rainy day or spooky night.
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10/10
I admit it, I love this movie
27 March 2009
All right, let's get down to brass tacks here. What does the 1993 adaptation have in common with the source novel? Practically nothing. (What else did you expect from a Disney film?) The characters' names are the same, the character traits remain to a lesser degree. And...well, that's about it.

Now, I love the novel. As a relatively sophisticated reader/movie goer, I know I should really take the movie to task for removing pretty much all of the depth and color of Dumas's story and interpreting everything in basically the most cartoonish and two-dimensional manner possible. I really should.

But...

I just can't let this movie go. It's a rollicking, fast-paced swashbuckler with a decidedly old-fashioned feel. The use of vibrant color, the grand and elaborate sets, the simple yet energetic action sequences; I'm reminded of a sweeping adventure film MGM might have made in the forties or fifties.

The cast is particularly strong, and all the actors seem to be having a ball in their roles. Kiefer Sutherland is perfect for the brooding Athos; Charlie Sheen is wry as the pious Aramis; and Oliver Platt chews the scenery as the arrogant, eccentric Porthos. Chris O'Donnell, as the ambitious D'Artagnan, interjects himself quite ably into the group dynamic, and the four leads develop great chemistry with one another throughout the film. Tim Curry and Michael Wincott soar to great heights in their cartoonish villainy, and Rebecca De Mornay is alluring and tragic as Lady DeWinter.

Michael Kamen's score is romantic and bombastic and triumphant--perfect for the tone of the film. Heck, I even like the Rod Stewart/Bryan Adams/Sting collaboration, "All For Love," that plays over the credits--clearly calculated to help the soundtracks sell copies, but dammit, I still believe in their sincerity! (Well, maybe sincerity is too strong a word.) The Three Musketeers, inaccurate an adaptation though it may be, is still a fast-paced, lighthearted thrill ride like you just don't see too often anymore. I hate wrapping these reviews up, so I'm just going to stop here. Bye.
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6/10
Forgettable pastiche of other cop movies
9 May 2008
I saw We Own the Night with my dad as part of a double feature. Maybe it's just because the surprisingly brilliant Gone Baby Gone was a difficult act to follow, but if the latest work from writer/director James Gray doesn't suffer by comparison to that masterful thriller, than it merely suffers. I left the theater that day with large chunks of the movie already evaporating from my brain. I imagine the reason that the film was so incredibly inconsequential is because it borrows every plot point, every character attribute, every decent action sequence from another, better, more solid movie. Nothing carries any weight. Even Mark Wahlberg's performance feels like it was cut and pasted from The Departed or Four Brothers, with a lot of the depth left out. I don't blame Wahlberg for this, but the poor writing that gives him very little to do beyond that. Joaquin Phoenix's character has an arc that doesn't feel at all believable or compelling. The climactic battle is straight out of The Bourne Identity. Unfortunately that's about all I remember with regard to specifics; I give it six stars because I was at least moderately entertained while watching it, even if it was completely insubstantial. Also, Eva Mendes, as always, looks gorgeous.
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Planet Terror (2007)
10/10
Ridiculously entertaining
29 April 2008
I have yet to see Tarantino's half of the Grindhouse double feature, but Rodriguez's contribution, a worthy addition to the zombie sub-genre, may be his best original work so far. Given that the Grindhouse project almost by definition repels storytelling responsibility, Rodriguez wastes no time in plunging to the depths of excess and reveling there for the entirety of the film.

The actual plot isn't all that original--some chemical weapon or other is unleashed on an unsuspecting public, turning them into flesh-craving zombies--but watching this kind of film for the story is pretty much missing the point. The ensemble cast is pitch-perfect in portraying the myriad characters, each with their own half-crazed (or full-crazed) motivations and desires. There's the wife having a lesbian affair, the restaurant owner who seems almost more concerned with discovering the recipe for an award-winning barbecue sauce than the impending apocalypse, the mysterious gunslinger who was born with killing in his blood, and a dozen others. A film awash with such diverse characters is usually in danger of losing sight of them as people, but everyone in Planet Terror has a satisfying character arc, and the multiple intertwining story lines converge in a way that feels natural rather than forced or guided by the filmmaker. Even in a sort of stylized world where people forget the deaths of loved ones thirty seconds after they died, everyone feels fully fleshed out and acts according to the bizarre logic set up by the film.

The visual style, contrary to what one might expect for a movie that tries to look as beat up as possible, is so perfect as to be almost awe-inspiring. Rodriguez clearly grew up watching cheap prints in drive-in theaters that, as a result of having toured the country one theater at a time, looked as though they had been dragged behind a car several times before being projected; he knows the value of every scratch and clumsy splice. Of course, having the benefit of adding the damage manually probably comes in handy--the washes of solid colors and the missing reels come into the picture, funnily enough, exactly where they're most effective. The lighting is also quite beautiful in that rough, low-budget 1970s way, where it makes everything harsh and textured and grainy.

I think what surprised and delighted me most about the film was the writing. Though I like Rodriguez's films, he's never blown me away with his storytelling prowess. Here, however, he's in rare form. Rather than merely making the plot a buildup to a gunfight, Rodriguez allows the characters to bounce off each other in unexpected ways, building tension between these two, taking that relationship in a completely unexpected direction. None of the characters are really good or bad in the cut-and-dry, black-and-white sense; people who seem virtuous suddenly turn out to be insane; villains become allies; agendas are hidden and exposed and redefined, and reality constantly shifts. Most impressive were the numerous lines of dialogue that turned into motifs or took on added significance when repeated later on. Perhaps working with Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz) on the phony trailer for "Don't" rubbed off on Robert. The only real flaw is that the 105-minute version, which is the only version I saw, goes on for perhaps a hair too long.

Planet Terror walks a pretty fine line between camp and genuine horror, but somehow in the midst of the gallons of gore, the guns that never need to reload, the gorgeous heroines in short skirts and tight tank tops, and the gas tanks that need very little persuasion to explode, it manages to emerge as a darkly comedic masterwork of the B-movie genre. I guarantee that you won't have more fun at the movies for a long time to come.
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A Pup Named Scooby-Doo (1988–1991)
7/10
Fun series
4 April 2008
I know I'm going to make a lot of enemies here, but I have to say it: the original Scooby Doo series wasn't that great.

There. It's done.

I know I'm stepping on a lot of great memories here, but if you go back and watch Scooby Doo, Where Are You? you'll find it's hardly the sophisticated entertainment you remember from childhood. The animation looks cheap, the jokes are lame, and the characters are cardboard cutouts.

A Pup Named Scooby Doo, though a lot of fans seem to revile it, is more successful than the original, in my opinion. Because of the liberal changes made to the formula, this functions more as an affectionate spoof of Scooby Doo than a continuation of it. Freddy's character shifts from humorless leader to incompetent moron; Daphne is a spoiled rich girl whose butler will appear out of nowhere to catch her in mid-faint; and, in spite of the fact that this takes place years before the original series, Velma has state-of-the-art (as of 1988) computer technology to aid her in catching the villain. I'm not sure why people get so worked up over these changes; in their original characterizations, everyone but Shaggy and Scooby were pretty dull, anyway. What's wrong with giving them an overhaul?

The show itself was pretty formulaic (again, in the same vein as the original), but it was a fun formula. I particularly love the sequences where the kids run from (and occasionally dance with) the monster, set to groovy 1950s-style rock and roll music. Everything here is bigger than big; no-holds-barred wackiness generally ensues. And it's fun.
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8/10
Don't watch this episode while eating...
4 April 2008
I made the mistake of sitting down with a sandwich before rolling the season 5 premiere of Tales from the Crypt. The show is, obviously, no stranger to gross-out humor and gore, but nothing throughout the series has been quite as downright disgusting as the character of Winona Brackett. Yikes. I almost lost my lunch.

Tim Curry completely disappears into the roles of the three Bracketts. This episode is a complete testament to his skills and versatility as an actor. Ed Begley Jr. is also suitably slimy as the slick salesman who you don't really mind seeing in his fatal predicament, and Yvonne De Carlo has a small but memorable appearance as one of the folks he swindles. My only complaint about the story is the final twist; it caught me by surprise, but I'm not sure how much sense it made in the context of the story.
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The Mummy (1999)
8/10
Solid adventure film, one of my favorites
17 March 2008
The Mummy is definitely not a great film from an objective standpoint; there are an awful lot of plot holes and things that don't make a great deal of sense, and the characters often do things for no other reason than that the plot dictates they must. Still, Stephen Sommers hits the perfect balance of epic adventure, humor, and thrills to make the quintessential popcorn movie. The Mummy is sort of like those old creature features you used to stay up and watch on late night television, except that it's actually fun and silly and doesn't take itself seriously whatsoever.

The cast is perfect, the photography is gorgeous (particularly in the desert sequences), the jokes are, if not hilarious, at least harmless enough, the special effects are decent but limited by the technology of the time, and the music is pretty good. This is a movie that knows what it's trying to do and achieves it perfectly. Too bad Sommers hasn't yet replicated the experience in his more recent duds.
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Tales from the Crypt: Three's a Crowd (1990)
Season 2, Episode 5
7/10
A different sort of tale...
29 February 2008
Warning: Spoilers
The first two-thirds of Three's a Crowd doesn't particularly feel like a Tales from the Crypt episode; indeed, it works very well as a study of marital isolation and the paranoia of the protagonist, and the whole thing is played dead serious. The main problem with the episode is that the ending feels like a different story than the beginning. The protagonist (I forgot his name) is played for sympathy at the beginning, and seems more depressed at the notion of his wife having an affair than angry or vengeful, which is why I didn't completely buy his resorting to murder at the end. Also, the twist is more or less predictable. On the plus side, the acting is good, the score is one of the best ever for a Crypt episode, and the story is pretty engrossing, if you don't mind an unexpectedly introspective conflict that doesn't immediately resort to slice-and-dice dark humor.
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Tales from the Crypt: This'll Kill Ya (1992)
Season 4, Episode 2
4/10
Very mediocre episode
29 February 2008
This'll Kill Ya is a substandard episode of Tales from the Crypt, the main problem being that it's way too predictable. As soon as the trouble begins, you already know how it's all going to turn out, as this particular twist has appeared time and time again--probably even somewhere else in the series. From watching her performance, I get the feeling Sonia Braga didn't speak very good English at the time of filming: she puts emphasis on all the wrong words, the effect of which is rather irritating after a while. The characters are mostly bland, their interaction feeling superficial at best, and there was a lot of filler, including a rather long sex scene that felt more obligatory than anything else. After the great dark humor and grotesque delight of the season premiere, This'll Kill Ya is very much a letdown.
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3/10
Yes, it really is that awful
26 February 2008
"A special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing." If The Phantom Menace was one's only clue as to what sort of filmmaker George Lucas is, one would never guess that the above quote is attributable to him. The first episode of the Star Wars saga seems to be nothing but special effects, with no real story to speak of.

One of the biggest problems with TPM is that none of the characters are in any way established. Who are these people? Why should we care about them? The only real glimpse we get into a character's psyche is a clumsy, "I sense great (emotion) in you, (character)." It's a good thing those Jedi are around to tell us what everybody is thinking, because the writing sure doesn't convey it. Especially disappointing is Obi Wan Kenobi, who is completely unrecognizable from his later incarnation. He's just there, serving no apparent function.

I've always felt that Jake Lloyd is unfairly criticized for his performance as Anakin. Sure, he was terrible, but who wasn't terrible in this movie? Whether it's the result of the extensive special effects giving the actors nothing to react to, or Lucas's notorious apathy in working with the cast, several actors who have proved their greatness time and again come across as flat and lifeless in this movie. We're talking actors the caliber of Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, and Natalie Portman. The only people who come out of this unscathed are Pernilla August and Ian McDiarmid, who actually give some depth and complexity to their woefully underdeveloped characters.

Apart from possibly some advance in computer technology, the only real good thing that came from this movie is John Williams' faultless score, which is the only element that actually provides a believable bridge between this prequel and the original trilogy. The music brings life and meaning to all the things that the movie completely botches: the awe and beauty of the underwater city; the tension and excitement of the pod race; the dark underpinnings of Anakin's innocent character; the menace of Darth Maul; the epic bravura of the final duel. It's easy to see why John Williams has resided at the top of the composer heap for over thirty years--nobody can score a film like he can. And apart from the gorgeous locations and sets, that's really all I can muster by way of praise for this unfortunate film.
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The Omen (2006)
4/10
Gee, that's terrifying....zzzzzzzzzzzz....
11 February 2008
As far as thoughtless Hollywood remakes of classic horror films go, The Omen is a dud...and considering how many horror movies have been massacred in the past five years by a corporate empire more concerned with profit than integrity (natch), that's saying something.

Unlike, say, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Halloween or Amityville Horror remake, the problem with The Omen is not that it's mindless drivel, but that it's simply a chore to sit through. (Give me a choice, and I'll take mindless drivel over boredom anytime.) The Wagnerian chants and slow-motion death scenes that gave the original such energy and intensity are here completely forsaken for tedious exposition and lackluster plot twists. How could a film as thrilling and tense as The Omen be rendered into nothing more than a two-hour barbiturate? On the "pro" side of things, a fairly good cast has been assembled, even if they don't get much to do. David Thewlis is uncannily perfect for the role originated by David Warner--if I didn't know any better, I'd almost believe they were the same person. Mia Farrow is a highlight, trading in her normally gentle persona for a flat-out insane banshee. Everybody else is adequate, except the kid who plays Damien, whose performance closer resembles a bratty kid being given a time-out than the son of the devil. The production value is quite good. At least it looks like a horror film, if it can't act like one.

Here's to hoping the studios spare us a set of sleepy sequels.
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The Twilight Zone: Come Wander with Me (1964)
Season 5, Episode 34
7/10
Good moments in a lackluster story
2 February 2008
Come Wander with Me definitely feels like Twilight Zone material. A lot of Rod Serling's favorite plot devices are put to use here, in a story he did not pen. Ultimately it's all a lot of gibberish about time loops, and the hero not understanding something vital to somebody else, which is his tragic flaw that ultimately destroys him, yaddah yaddah yaddah. There are a few creepy moments, however, such as when the lyrics on the tape recorder spontaneously change to reflect the situation, and the song keeps playing after the recorder is broken. The music is appropriately haunting, as the previous users mentioned, and the atmosphere works out decently enough. Still, a worthy episode.
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The Twilight Zone: The Jeopardy Room (1964)
Season 5, Episode 29
8/10
Unusual episode of TZ...
2 February 2008
...in that nothing really supernatural, odd, or mysterious happens. Still, a tense and solidly scripted story from Serling about a man pinned down by a sniper, challenged to find a bomb triggered by a seemingly ordinary object in a hotel room. It was nice to see a young Martin Landau as the tormented protagonist. I think two things could have been done to make the story a bit more satisfying. First, the ending always struck me as a trifle tacked on, as if Serling couldn't think of a really good way to resolve the situation and so had the villain do something uncharacteristically stupid. Second, Martin Landau's character should have employed a few more tactics to try to get away before succeeding; as it stands, there's a bit too much time spent looking for the bomb, the location of which is fairly obvious from the start, and the way he escapes also feels a bit too easy.
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The Twilight Zone: Night Call (1964)
Season 5, Episode 19
10/10
Probably the scariest TZ episode of all time
2 February 2008
Unlike most of the creepier Twilight Zone episodes, Night Call terrifies me as much now as it did when I was much younger. I still can't watch this one late at night without feeling a little uneasy at what might be lurking just beyond the blinds in the window. Night Call is brilliant on several levels. First, it's a masterpiece of storytelling by the legendary Richard Matheson, who's written some of the most unnerving short stories ever published. The characters, the situation, and the final explanation are all superbly realized--I've seen the ending twist repeated in a number of short films or generic "scary tales for children"-esquire compilations. Jacques Tourneur's direction is extraordinarily atmospheric, the visual equivalent of a lonely wind rustling through a dark forest. We as viewers feel every bit as alone and frightened as the woman when she picks up the phone and hears nothing but moans from the other end. Watching the episode is a bit like lying in bed in the middle of the night and thinking you heard a noise downstairs. Yet, in spite of all this, the ending manages a complete 180, from terrifying to tragic, that works extraordinarily well. Kudos to the writer and director for giving the Twilight Zone an ingenious entry for its final season.
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7/10
Goofy fun
17 January 2008
Warning: Spoilers
Man with the Screaming Brain certainly isn't a perfect movie, but I'm pretty sure it was never meant to be anything more than a star vehicle for Bruce Campbell, meaning it works as kind of a summary of his entire career: slapstick, sarcasm, cheese, action, and happy endings. Campbell is, as a writer, uneven--there are lots of things in the story that don't make a great deal of sense (why does the robot suddenly have breasts merely because a female brain has been implanted into it?), and some of the scenes feel like retreads of other, better incarnations (the scene in the restaurant, where Yegor and William battle for control of William's body, is straight out of Evil Dead II). There are, however, lots of little touches and non-sequiturs that feel rather brilliant, such as when William is in the height of his panic and screams at a statue, "What are you looking at?!" The movie looks like a Sci-Fi Channel original, probably because it was. The acting is actually pretty good. I particularly enjoyed Tamara Gorski as Tatoya; she was ruthless and cunning, yes, but seemed to have a tragic air about her in certain moments that the story never explored. Ted Raimi handled the standard "bumbling assistant" role admirably enough, and Bruce is funny as the arrogant, sardonic, condescending American jerk. (Now that he's writing his own films, you'd think he'd give himself a role that he hasn't been typecast in already.) Man with the Screaming Brain is a bizarre, nonsensical B-movie that ought to be enjoyable for anybody who can avoid taking a cinematic experience too seriously.
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The Simpsons: Fear of Flying (1994)
Season 6, Episode 11
9/10
Pretty funny episode.
19 November 2007
Season six was the first season of The Simpsons that had a very disjointed feel about it. Some of the episodes felt like Season Five episodes, and some felt like much later ones. This falls into the former category. Fear of Flying has the same structured randomness to it that made seasons four and five so wonderful. Marge actually gets some funny lines here, and a character attribute that was hinted at earlier is further developed: despite being the voice of reason, she doesn't always have it all together. Homer's search to find a new bar leads to a very funny Cheers parody. The highlight of this episode is probably Anne Bancroft, who deserves to go down in history as one of the funniest guest stars ever. Her soothing yet sarcastic voice is perfect for psychiatrist Dr. White, who isn't nearly as patient and compassionate as we might expect. Overall a strong episode.
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Mallrats (1995)
7/10
Good movie, bad ending
15 November 2007
Mallrats, Kevin Smith's second and most maligned film until Jersey Girl, isn't really that much of a stretch from Clerks. Mostly it just feels like a movie that got taken away from its creator by the studio system trying to make it more marketable--every filmmaker has at least one such experience. Still, Smith's comedic brilliance shines through in the writing. Characters are still aimless losers with nothing better to do than hang out and have epic conversations about meaningless nonsense--one of my favorite such discussions revolves around whether the cookie bakery is regarded as part of the food court, and another pontificates on Superman's romantic life. As with Clerks, the protagonists are experiencing miniature crises with their girlfriends, the resolution of which leads to the obvious but not heavy-handed moral Smith always interjects in his films.

My only real complaint is the artificially "feel-good" ending, which feels too trite and sensational for what had, for the previous seventy minutes or so, been such a down-to-earth, slice-of-life comedy. It's like a bad Adam Sandler movie, the kind that always seems to end with cheering crowds and joyfully tearful make-up smooches. The bad guy gets his comeuppance, the lovable characters go on to fame and fortune, and everything is wrapped up in a neat little package. One of the things I love about Clerks. is that the ending, while resolving the conflict, ends without tying all the loose ends together. While Smith generically employs happy endings, they usually don't feel quite as predictable and saccharine. I've never heard him speak out on the subject, but I get the feeling the new ending was probably tacked on as the result of poor test screenings, or changed at the script stage because of the asinine notes studios like to give to more inexperienced indie directors.

The cast is great. Jason Lee, of course, steals every scene he's in, even though he's supposed to be the "sidekick" here. He's a talented actor, and it's too bad that, with the possible exception of The Incredibles and My Name is Earl (I've only seen a few episodes), he's never been utilized quite as effectively as he is in a Kevin Smith movie. Jason Mewes, mercifully, retains the role of Jay in spite of the studio's wishes, and is as always a foul-mouthed fireball of energy. Joey Lauren Adams is suitably adorable, even in her role as a cheating ex. Shannen Doherty is wonderfully spirited and appropriately irritable without coming across as shrewish or horrible. Jeremy London performs his "straight man" role admirably, though since his job is to react to the lunacy around him more than participate in it, the audience never sympathizes with him the way we should--perhaps a bit of underwriting on Smith's part. Claire Forlani is cute enough, but her performance feels sort of flat for some reason.

Mallrats, while it definitely suffers from sophomore slump, is still a great entry in the Jersey Chronicles, and has more than enough redemptive qualities to put it in a league far above 90% of most studio comedies.
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Zorro (1990– )
10/10
Used to watch it with my dad...
19 October 2007
I don't remember much about this show, except that my dad is a Zorro fan, so we used to watch this when I was all of four or five. I remember it featured the hot Mexican lady from Three Amigos. There was a bumbling fat guy who looked sort of like a Latino Oliver Hardy. He was naturally the comic relief. I think there was a deaf kid who was sort of Zorro's sidekick. I think the episodes usually culminated in some impressive fencing. I thought the Zorro costume was pretty cool. I believe the theme song was the generic late-80s theme song they used on every action pack show at this time, that kind of passionate hair-metal-meets-orchestral-score music, except it had sort of a Hispanic flavor to it.

Like I said, I have great memories of sitting on my dad's lap watching this show, along with Rifleman and Star Trek: The Next Generation. Unfortunately, at some point there was a scheduling conflict wherein they started showing ST:TNG at the same time they were showing this, so usually we opted for the latter. Had we known TNG would still be showing in reruns fifteen years later, while Zorro would die a quiet death and never be heard from again, I suppose we would have rethought our decision. But you know what they say about hindsight.
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Time Chasers (1994)
5/10
I thought it was pretty good, for what it was...
9 October 2007
I think the only reason this movie has such a low rating is because it was featured on MST3K. Its has its share of cheesy performances and inexplicably ridiculous moments (as when the bad guys ditch their cars to chase after the hero on bicycles), but its main flaw is that its way too ambitious for its budget. I feel confident in asserting that, in spite of my never having been to the future, it will turn out much better than the one portrayed in this movie. But at least the trips to the past are bearable. The humor, if not laugh out loud hilarious, at least isn't embarrassing to watch for everyone involved. Time Chasers, aka Tangents, is probably the only MSTied movie I would ever consider watching without commentary by Mike and the bots. I mean, really, how can you say it's any worse than cringe-fest Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle? Heck, even the banal Roadhouse has a higher rating than this movie! I'm not saying it's a masterpiece, but come on, is there anything near as profoundly lame as the line, "Pain don't hurt" in this movie? No? Well, I rest my case.
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