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Reviews
The Happening (2008)
I feel like MY brain is being attacked
Did everyone in this movie get hit with the neuralizer from Men In Black and forgot how to act like human beings? Because that's what it looks like. From the extras to the main cast, they all perform like aliens that just took on a human form and are pretending to be the actors. I know Marc Wahlberg isn't the best actor usually, but even he's had better roles than this. Zooey Deschanel acts like a child in a grown woman's body, the actual child performs better than she does.
The writing is also abysmal. There's a character that talks to plants because studies show that plants react to human stimulus, not five seconds before this he said he's pretty sure plants are the cause of whatever's happening, oh, he also REALLY loves hot dogs, what's the point of this? Who cares about these fluff characters who only exist to pad the movie's body count?
Also, Mark doesn't want Zooey to even whisper about the dead bodies because the girl might hear, five seconds later a soldier walks up to the window and starts yelling about dead bodies to no reaction from the girl. Five seconds after that another lady shows up, also yelling about dead bodies AGAIN (Trust me, if it sounds repetitive, it's because it is) but the little girl still has no reaction whatsoever, why even bring up that she might hear if it isn't important and has no relevance at all?
By the way, Zooey had Tiramisu with a guy from work, just in case you forgot, its not like the movie tells you about it 50,000 times, but don't worry, I'm sure it will become relevant soon. You also gotta love the teenagers they run into. They exist solely to deliver exposition, start acting tough out of nowhere, and die.
So they found this old lady's house and, you guessed it, she sucks too. She's apparently been through some tough times, so she's now cut off from the world and has no idea of what's been going on. She invites them over to stay the night and before they go to bed she suspects them of plotting to kill her. Mark's response is the least reassuring "Nooo" I've ever heard, if I thought he might kill me before, I'm sure he is now. Well none of it matters anyway because now she's dead too.
So now we get a romantic scene (at least I think it should be romantic) between two actors that have no chemistry with each other, they talk about Mark's mood ring for a little bit and they both decide they're gonna get out of the house, they're ready to accept death as long as they're together (guess Marky Mark forgave her eating Tiramisú with a guy from work, glad that plot line got resolved, it was really nail biting). Luckily enough for them, the movie is not over yet, since "The event" ended the second they decided to get out of the house. The ones that are truly unlucky are us, because the movie is still going.
A couple of months go by and now Zooey is a proud mom that gives the little girl a picture of her dead parents that she can take on the first day of school, that sounds like something a human would do, right? Also, just in case you still didn't get it, you get smacked upside the head with the message of the movie, as delivered to you by random guy on the TV. Also Zooey is pregnant, but does anyone really care anymore?
Also, Oh no, it's gonna happen in France too, how ominous!!
Buried (2010)
Literally breathtaking
The ways this movie shows how Paul Conroy starts loosing hope little by little are heart braking, Reynolds gives a great performance as a man trying to do good, getting caught in the crossfire and ending up in a terrible situation with little to no help. The subtle (and not so subtle) critics to the Government, showing how little they care about captives compared to how much they care about public perception is devastating, especially when you're watching Paul's situation. The phone call from his boss and the rescue fake out at the end left my mouth hanging. I never thought I could get so completely immersed, get my hopes up and get my expectations completely crushed all in 90 minutes.
What If...?: What If... Killmonger Rescued Tony Stark? (2021)
Everyone's an idiot but Erik
That's what the title of this should've been. No one gets smart about Killmonger's plan. Stark is suddenly an idiot, he really thinks that a guy he just met wants nothing but the best for him and even after he realizes that's not he case, he tells him he knows of him killing Rhodey before giving a copy of the video to anybody else. Wakandan's arte suddenly stupid enough not to realize this guy is definitely planning something. Characters known for being some of the smartest people in the entire MCU get outsmarted by a guy that originally only takes the throne because he wins a duel.
Not to mention the timeline makes no sense, Killmonger would've been way younger than he is in Black Panther by the time the events in Ironman take place. In short, this is barely a "What if Killmonger rescued Stark?" Its more of a "What if everyone was an idiot but Erik Killmonger?" And the answer is simple. It would be boring.
I'm Thinking of Ending Things (2020)
A movie shouldn't need the book to be understandable.
This is barely a movie, it's more of a string of scenes that barely correlate with each other by the actors on screen.
The scenes in the car where by far the most exhausting pieces of media I've seen in a while, the scenes in the house were the most entertaining because we had more of a back and forth between more than two actors, one of which can't convincingly show emotion. There are points in the movie were it feels like the plot is getting somewhere, but it decides it's better for everyone if it just ignores any semblance of a plot.
There is, in this almost 150 minute movie, a fully fledged dance, yes, the dancers are very talented and their dance is very beautiful, but it has nothing whatsoever to do with the film. Apparently, this movie makes sense if you've watched it over three times or if you've read the book. Sadly they missed the part where a movie should be understandable on its own.-
Creep 2 (2017)
Just as bad as the first if not worse.
So I just got through these two movies. The first one I did not like but at least it was a new concept, and escapism from all the paranormal activities or Blair Witches of the found-footage genre.
However this one is just pretty much a copy paste from the first one. Again I can't bring myself to understand how is it getting such good reviews, they say it's an exciting change from the first one, however they seem to miss the fact that the first creep had the exact same plot points as this one. Joseph falls in love with Aaron, while this might not be explicitly said in the first movie Joseph gives Aaron the same necklace he gives Sarah on this one, the necklace clearly symbolizing that he's in love with them.
In the first one it had been made clear that Joseph has an MO, he makes people record him and then he kills them. In this one they straight up show it.
I really cannot understand what people's obsession is with these movies. Sure in this when you get a little more depth to Joseph (now Aaron)'s character, but at the end it's all thrown away anyways. You can get a character that is starting to lose their touch as a serial killer, has become suicidal and repeatedly asks Sarah to kill him. However, by the end, he suddenly does not want to die anymore and is adamant about killing Sarah instead. The entire growth of the character is thrown away because now he's again a shallow maniac that cares about nothing but fulfilling his desire to kill so basically it's as if this second movie never happened if you want to make a third movie you could just watch the first one and the third one and there'd be no change whatsoever aside from probably a mention or two of Sarah.
Once again the secondary character is completely unbelievable and does not act like a human, apparently this dirty looking crazy person, is charming enough to make you forget all about your survival instincts, and us as viewers are Sherlock Holmes because we can see that he is definitely not a sane person.
Why is loose realism in a movie that has every chance to be realistic? Come in and watch this movie anyway you'll probably at least get a good laugh out of all the stupid jump-scares that they try to put in front of the camera.
Creep (2014)
Did we all watch the same movie?
I just finished watching this movie and I was looking forward to find critics tearing it to shreds.
Apparently I must have watched a completely different movie because the horror masterpiece that most critics are describing has nothing to do with 'the creep'.
This movie has no twists at all, you can tell Josef is not mentally stable from pretty much the very beginning of the film, what's worse, Aaron, the guy hired to record the creep, has no survival instinct he's constantly getting himself into more danger. Instead of running away he stays in the house and looks for Josef. There's a point in the movie where Aaron gets a call from Joseph's sister, the sister asks him repeatedly where he is, yet Aaron apparently has no idea where the house is located even though he drove all the way up there.
There's a point later where Aaron hears strange noises coming from outside his house, keep in mind by this point in the movie he knows he's being stalked and followed by Joseph, still he decides to go outside and check on those sounds. It's not something a real human being would have done there's no logic to any of what Aaron does.
In a nutshell, this movie is really predictable, it has barely any tension and whatever tension it does have, this immediately lost because of all the cheap jump-scares they put in. I understand that to show that Joseph is quirky you make him jump once or twice in front of the camera, but he does this exact same thing about six times all throughout the movie and each passing time it gets more and more boring and predictable. I don't understand why people think this is some sort of masterpiece but it's just you to spend your time watching something more entertaining like paint drying.