Phillemos Reviews

Home Movie (II) (2008)

"Against our better wishes, we have to keep our attempted murderer kids in the house overnight." Come on, you can do better than that...

[4/10 · 10 November 2008]

I tried really hard. I wanted to like this movie so badly. There's a lot to like about it -- solid acting performances, underlying tension between the two parents, a lot of which seems to stem from the father's own abuse as a child, a slow buildup of psychotic activity by the kids leading to an uncomfortable sense of fear. But the movie's climax ruins it all. After the two kids snatch their friend and take him to their secret hideout out back, where he's bound and gagged, the father finds them and apparently the kids are charged with kidnapping and attempted murder. Then there's a cutaway scene of the two parents are sitting in front of the fireplace. They tell the camera that, because it's Easter Sunday, "Against our better wishes," the police are allowing the kids to stay at home until their arraignment the following morning. Right there, I turned to my friend and we both said, "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." I don't care whether it's Easter, your birthday or Christmas, the police aren't going to let you stay at home if you're facing attempted murder charges because you just wrapped a classmate in trash bags, tied him up and tortured him, even if you're a kid. And of course, this leads to the kids systematically terrorizing, and, seemingly, murdering their father and torturing their mother, who presumably is on death's doorstep herself as the movie ends. (Which brings up another problem; by the time the movie ends it's clearly the following morning, so shouldn't the police be back by now to take the kids to their court hearing?) The attacking-the-parents plot line is fine. I expected that was going to happen at the end. I wanted it to happen. But surely the directors can come up with a better mechanism to get to the climactic conclusion than this. While there's a lot to like here, the lazy writing runs it all. A disappointing 4.

Get Smart (2008)

Funny, but not as funny as the TV show. Steve Carell carries this film on his shoulders

[7/10 · 14 July 2008]

The movie is funny. However, it's not foot-stomping, roll-around-the-floor funny like the '60s TV series was. If it weren't for Steve Carell (who is perfectly cast as Maxwell Smart), this would be a pretty mediocre movie. Steve Carell's style more closely resembles Don Adams than any other actor/comedian currently out there. He does a great job at parroting the typical Maxwell Smart-ism's (i.e., "missed it by THAT much"; "would you believe?..."). And the whole "well neither one of us is dead so obviously I'm not CONTROL" line is priceless. What ultimately drops this film down, however, is the film thumbing its nose at "Get Smart" canon. For example, 86 and 99 aren't married (though with what Anne Hathway has been through lately with boyfriends under FBI suspicion of multi-million dollar fraud, I can't blame 99 for being a little commitment-phobic). Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is introduced as a new agent, the blasé 23. In the end he turns out to be a double-agent, which was a nice twist, but why not just lump him in with KAOS from the start. If you appreciate Steve Carell, are a fan of "The Office" or "The 40-year-old Virgin," see this movie. If you're an aficionado of the old "Get Smart" sitcom, it's worth a look, but you may ultimately be disappointed.

Tyrannosaurus Azteca (2007)

Tyrannosaurus Mex

[4/10 · 15 May 2008]

Take a SciFi Original Movie and mix in a little alternative/revisionist history, and you get "Aztec Rex." Apparently Hernand Cortes, before conquering the Aztec empire, had to first conquer a Tyrannosaurus Rex and her mate. That's the thrust of this movie. Given the plot it could have really sucked; the fact that it only kind of sucked is a tip of the cap to the writers. There are a few problems. For starters, Cortes is played by Ian Ziering. Even with a black wig, Ziering as Cortes is about as convincing as Axl Rose playing Gandhi. And though Cortes conquers the indigenous peoples of Mexico, the Aztecs here seem to be played by an all-Hawaiian ensemble. Casting aside, the T-Rex(es) look reasonably good, though every time one of them gets shot it just oozed CGI. And they die too easily; I suppose if a T-Rex were around in real life they probably could be felled or at least wounded by some rather rudimentary, 16th-century weaponry. But it takes something away from the movie. There are also some graphic T-Rex-swallowing-human scenes, which is surprising, but in this context I thought they worked OK. There's plenty of action, and the whole colonization angle is prevalent throughout but doesn't overwhelm the dinosaur angle, unlike the other recent SciFi Original dinosaur movie "Warbirds." Overall, a mediocre (but decent by SciFi Original standards) movie that rates a modest 4.

Beyond Loch Ness (2008 TV Movie)

You think salmon have it tough swimming upstream? Try swimming from Scotland to Michigan...

[4/10 · 29 April 2008]

You really have to suspend reality to enjoy this one, but if you can do that it's not bad. The problem is, supposedly our ol' plesiosaur pal Nessie has gotten tired of Europe's socialism and snobbishness, and left her Scottish home of 1,000 years for...hold onto your hats...the Great Lakes! Why she would do that is beyond me. Not that America doesn't provide her with opportunities (then again maybe she's set up shop on the Canadian side), but it just seems like an extreme step to go swimming from the interior lake of one continent to the extreme interior lakes of another on the opposite hemisphere. Besides, I'm sure Nessie would find New England's rocky shores much more to her liking than Michigan, so why not stop in Boston instead and save yourself some additional wear and tear? Further adding to the improbability, she's nesting and four or five baby plesiosaurs join the fun of terrorizing small-town Americans. They're all cute and blubbery, and seem to have a blast. They actually have rudimentary feet too instead of the usual plesiosaur fins, which gives them an inherent advantage because they're much more mobile on land. Once you get past the overwhelming adversity of how Nessie got here, the movie is formulaic SciFi Original. People in a small town are up against more they can handle, have to kill the monsters before they run out of supplies, and several get decapitated. The CGI is, as usual kind of weak; the monster and her babies actually look pretty cool, but the blood-splatter scenes were ridiculous. A good move by SciFi Channel to release this in early 2008, a couple of months before they premier the similarly titled "Beneath Loch Ness." And hey, a good trend by SciFI to move away from the stupid disaster movies and start wheeling out the dinosaur flicks -- the "Loch Ness" movies, "Warbirds," the coming premier of "Aztec Rex." While this isn't a perfect movie by any stretch, I'll give it a 4 just for that trend alone.

Warbirds (2008 TV Movie)

Hot babes!!! Flying dinosaurs!!!!! What more could a guy want? Well...

[4/10 · 28 April 2008]

...some excitement would be nice. I gotta admit, this movie was a disappointment. True, this flick is typical SciFi Channel Original schlock. But given that I have a soft spot for attractive women and dinosaurs, I thought this would be a winner if for no other reason than the cheese factor. But it was just dull. An American WWII mission ends up with an emergency landing on a desolate island where some Japanese soldiers got ambushed by some killer pterodactyls. Then the Americans get a taste of Pterodactyl Pterror, all the while trying to get their planes off the island and making sure the Japs don't take advantage of the situation. The problem is, there's not enough pterodactyl action; the movie really is more fixated on the WWII angle. The pterodactyls make their presence known but at times they're a secondary plot device to the "secret mission." Hot babe Max West (Jamie Ellen Mann) and her superior Jack (Brian Krause) spend too much time arguing over whether the mission is worth it. The other girls -- Betsy, Vicky and Lana -- serve nicely as eye candy. However, the scene where green galpal Hoodsie volunteers to attempt a solo mission off the island because she supposedly weighs less than Max is a joke, because Hoodsie looks like she needs to go see Jenny Craig while Max definitely takes care of herself. When they are fighting the pterodactyls, this movie is entertaining. But there's just not enough of it. I won't give this a 1 like most people have, because this is definitely better than most crap SciFi channel puts out (i.e., "Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep," "Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy"), but "Warbirds" is only worthy of a disappointing 4.

Bone Eater (2007 TV Movie)

Lemme get my checklist out...

[4/10 · 10 February 2008]

....OK, small-town, clueless sheriff? Check. Sheriff's hot daughter? Check? Ne'er-do-well boyfriend of sheriff's hot daughter, whom sheriff hates? Check. Corporate land developer who greedily puts profit over people? Check. Developer's rank-and-file accidentally unleashing a primordial monster, then being pressured to cover it up? Check. Natives warning of mass death and destruction if things are not returned back to the way they were? Check. Amateurish CGI special effects that could have been produced by a Commodore 64 computer? Check. Seriously, virtually all the clichés of your typical Sci-Fi Original movie have been lumped into a classic, so-bad-it's-good movie. The only one that's missing is the scientist/expert trying to impart his knowledge; there is a paleontologist with three students who get ambushed my The Bone Eater fairly early in the movie, but they are basically extras in the movie. And I can honestly say that I predicted virtually all of this; right down to who survives and who doesn't (though I have to say I got the actual death time of one of the characters wrong by about an hour). I swear I could have done this movie myself if they gave me all the characters. Despite all this, the movie is fun to watch, if for no other reason than to play MST3K with your friends. If you're up for some mindless fun, it's a great movie to watch, which is why I give this movie a surprisingly respectable 4, even though for all intents and purposes it deserves a much, much lower rating. But then again you wouldn't tune in to a SciFi Original movie if you were looking for a movie with an actual plot, substantive characters or good special effects, would you?

Waitress (2007)

What's the deal with those pies?

[8/10 · 23 January 2008]

So I was flying out to Las Vegas with my friend Mark and "Waitress" was the in-flight movie. Mark bought headphones; I was too cheap to do the same. But I kept looking at the pie scenes, nudging Mark and asking him, "What's the deal with those pies?" It made me have to see the movie myself (with sound) to figure it out. Keri Russell has a miserable life with a miserable husband (Jeremy Sisto), but also a gift for making pies, which she does for the local diner where she waits tables. The movie details her pregnancy and affair with a new-to-town doctor, who also happens to be married. In between she makes a lot of pies (which look delicious) and rises above her waitress friends: Cheryl Hines, who's also in a miserable marriage, and Adrienne Shelly (who also directed) gets roped into marrying the guy from the Budweiser "Yes-I-Am" commercials. Surprisingly, for someone like me who usually can't sit through chick flicks, I thought this was quite well done. Russell is very funny, the visuals of the pies being made are colorful and brilliant, and the rural-Southern feel of this movie just works well. It's not all perfect. As with many chick flicks, the men are stereotyped as total a-holes, Rusell's love interests clearly are questionable, Hines starts fooling around with the evil chef boss, and Shelly's fiancé acts like a complete tool. Even Andy Griffith, who helps Russell get on her feet, comes across throughout much of the movie as a curmudgeonly, miserable old man. But I found myself laughing through much of the misery, and I suppose a movie that can make you laugh while you feel for the pain of the main characters has something going for it. The tragic murder of Adrienne Shelly shortly before her movie was released will probably give the film extra legs and a certain degree of immortality. But it's a solid film that's fun to watch, and gives you a craving for pie.

Legion of Fire: Killer Ants! (1998 TV Movie)

If you see a big, muddy hill in a grassy plain, DON'T CLIMB TO THE TOP!!!

[4/10 · 29 August 2007]

So the movie starts out with a honeymooning couple giggling in the woods when they come upon a giant, muddy hill. The husband says, "Honey, climb to the top of the hill so I can take pictures of you?" And I'm like, "Sure, why not? I'm sure there are no killer ants in that hill..." WRONG!!! Suddenly the wife is being pulled into the hill (after she was clearly tired of being photographed, no less), and when the husband tries to come up to save her, he gets dragged under too. So I'm sitting there saying to myself, "Wow. These must be some big-honkin'-a** ants. I'm intrigued." WRONG AGAIN!!! The ants are about the size of my thumbnail, which makes me think, how in the world could they all climb to the top of the hill and pull two grown humans under. Whatever. The other highlights include one of the natives seeing the skeletal remains of his deceased brother and saying to the coroner, "What could have picked my brother flesh clean," with all the emotion of a bad actor reading cue cards. The ending is silly, and there is, of course, the setup for "Marabunta: Terror in Burline Pines 2." But it's entertaining enough in a bad way that you'll keep watching until the end. A mediocre 4.

Supergator (2006 Video)

DinoCroc's lawyers are on the phone. They'd like a word with you...

[4/10 · 29 August 2007]

Basically, this movie is DinoCroc2. The difference is, "Supergator" takes place in Hawaii instead of some small hick town. The creature looks EXACTLY like DinoCroc, with one small exception -- DinoCroc spent most of his time walking around on two legs, while Supergator is strictly quadrupedal. Surely though, that represents evolution taking its course. This movie, as is the case with most SciFi Channel Original movies, is pretty silly. The highlight is a bikini-clad model spending most of the first hour running away after her fellow model got chomped up by Supergator. She then runs into a geeky guy, and they try to hide together. And you're like, "will they shack up?" "will they escape from Supergator's reign of terror?" And just when you think they will, Supergator appears out of nowhere and ambushes them. Oh, well. For one brief, shining moment, I thought the geek might get lucky. The other highlight is being able to watch the continuing downward spiral of Kelly McGillis' career, from "Top Gun" 20 years ago to this atrocity. In fact, her career has gone downhill so badly, she turns into gator chow barely an hour into the movie. Overall, this movie is pretty bad, but still entertaining enough to keep you watching. Deserving of a 4.

Ice Spiders (2007 TV Movie)

The '80s cult band Devo vs. giant computerized spider graphics

[3/10 · 16 June 2007]

The Sci-Fi Network is known more for churning out monster movies in quantity rather than quality. Even by Sci-Fi standards, though, this is low-quality. Sci-Fi takes the top-secret animal experiment genre and rehashes it for the 674th time. Except that you really never get a good concept of what the top-secret experiment was, outside of "we were injecting spiders to make them larger; apparently the experiment was top-secret to the writers as well. The movie star Vanessa Williams -- not the "Soul Food" movie actress/singer/former Miss America/nude model Vanessa L. Williams, but the "Soul Food" TV show/bad movie actress Vanessa A. Williams. She's part of the experiment crew, as well as some guy Dr. Barnes, who looks like the lead singer from the '80s band "Devo," both physically and with his black outfit on; all he needed was the kooky red hat and I could see the whole gang breaking out in an impromptu karaoke of "Whip It" to try to keep the spiders at bay. The spider effects are pretty bad, and since the spiders are all colored a tropical green/black or orange, yet the movie takes place at a Utah ski resort, you'd think the spiders wouldn't have the ambush factor going for them. Yet somehow they still sneak up on hapless skiers throughout the movie. In its defense, "Ice Spiders" does have a laugh-ability quality to it that allows it to fall into the "good-bad" movie category, as opposed to other monster movies that are both bad and painful to watch, which is why I have enough sympathy to rate this movie a 3 instead of a 1 or 2.

Blood Surf (2000 Video)

The second-best Matt Borlenghi/killer crocodile movie of all time...

[3/10 · 6 May 2007]

...which isn't exactly a ringing endorsement. Overall, "DinoCroc" was a much better movie. Sure, in that movie Matt Borlenghi played a complete wuss-bag who spent the entire movie crying about his little brother getting eaten by the DinoCroc. But the special effects in "DinoCroc" were better, the plot lines were better, and the acting was better. Here are the problems with "Blood Surf" -- 1) the killer crocodile looks like a kid's model with a retractable jaw. 2) the plot is ridiculous. Matt Borlenghi & Co. get shipwrecked on a deserted island, in which they encounter a rabid group of ugly Filipino natives who try to force themselves upon the women in the group. Which was a complete waste of 15 minutes of film. And 3) there's not enough croc time. There are a couple of redeeming qualities of "Blood Surf" -- the actresses are pretty attractive and Matt Borlenghi gets eaten by the croc towards the end of the movie. But if you're on your deathbed and only have enough time to watch one Matt Borlenghi/killer crocodile movie, skip this one and fire up "DinoCroc" instead.

Lake Placid 2 (2007 TV Movie)

Apparently Maine floated down the Atlantic coast, because everyone in this movie has a Southern accent.

[4/10 · 6 May 2007]

I kept trying to figure out if "Lake Placid 2" was supposed to take place in Maine, like the sequel was, because everyone in this movie has that Southern drawl. Then I see signs for Maine, Arostook County, etc. etc. and I'm like, apparently the directors think a Maine accent and a Southern accent are one and the same. It's an insult to the great state of Maine. Also, the one girl says she's going to Boston College and will be moving to Newton, which she describes as "south of Boston." No, it's not. Newton is west of Boston. So, apparently the folks who did this movie have no concept for geography. As for the movie itself, it's like "Lake Placid" except not nearly as good. The Betty White role of the weird old lady is taken over by Cloris Leachman, who is not nearly as hilarious. The crocodile stomp-a-thon was entertaining, but there wasn't enough of it. And that's the silly love-interest plot line that nobody cares about. Overall, there are worse crocodile movies (i.e., "Blood Surf"), but you could do better.

Alien vs. Predator (2004)

Freddy & Jason kick Alien & Predator's a**

[4/10 · 15 April 2007]

What made "Freddy vs. Jason" an entertaining, if mindless, movie is that they cut to the chase and in about 90 seconds explained how Freddy and Jason got to the same place. The problem with "Alien vs. Predator" is, it takes them about 90 minutes to do the same thing. Sure, there are some nice kills during the 90 minutes -- some woebegone expedition to the Antarctic stumbles upon the Predators and two-thirds of the crew don't make it to the movie's second hour. Some Aliens swing by to take care of most of the rest, and finally we have the sole survivor, Sanaa Lathan, teaming up with a weary Predator to kill the rest of the Aliens, including a Queen Bee Alien who's about the siz of a T-rex. In between there are a few chestburster scene -- you can't have an Alien movie with at least one, and a couple of those hideous-looking Predators taking their masks off (trust me, they wear those masks for a reason). I'm not going to lie, the movie could have been done better. You don't sympathize with ANY of the human characters; with the possible exception of Lathan, they're so dense that you're openly rooting for them to get killed. But there are enough kills that you can sit through it without being bored. And of course, the final scene leave the door open for "Alien vs. Predator 2." I give it a 4 out of 10.

Night at the Museum (2006)

I've always wanted to see a T-rex skeleton stomp through New York City at 4 a.m.

[7/10 · 15 April 2007]

The scene that makes this movie is when Eddie Murphy's brother Charlie, playing a New York City cab driver, is tooling on Alex Rodriguez while driving Carla Gugino to work, when he looks up at an intersection and sees the T-rex skeleton stomping back to the museum. The scene works on so many different levels -- good use of a dinosaur, talking smack about A-Rod, keeping Charlie Murphy off the welfare rolls, etc. It's part of the whole smartness of the movie, however. Despite having some big names in the cast -- Ben Stiller, Robin Williams, Owen Wilson and more -- nobody really steals the show, but everybody puts in a serviceable contribution. Stiller is his usual slapstick self while running from the T-rex; Dick Van Dyke, Mickey Rooney and the black dude (forgot his name) do a good job playing overnight museum guards who act like Keystone Kops but are really sinister; Robin Williams, for once, doesn't overdo a role as Teddy Roosevelt; and Anne Meara is hilarious in her brief scene as a temp agency coordinator tooling on Stiller (her son in real life) about how he's a screwup. The middle third of the movie is pretty slow, which pulls the overall rating down. But the movie is generally a good take and gets me to write my first review of a movie that begins with "N" -- only five more letters in the alphabet left. A solid 7.

Fire Serpent (2007 TV Movie)

Giant computerized streaks of orange terrorize Minnesota

[4/10 · 25 February 2007]

My expectations of this movie were agonizingly low, based on 1) the fact that it's a Sci-Fi Channel Original, and 2) according to the trailers, Captain Kirk had something to do with it. (Though I'm not sure exactly what. All the trailer said was, "From the mind of William Shatner." Does that mean they brainwashed him into writing a screenplay, or did he dial up Sci-Fi Channel corporate offices one day and say, "Hi, William Shatner calling. I think you should do a movie about a sun flare that shoots its way to earth and stalks people like a giant snake? Now get to work. Good-bye.") In reality, the movie wasn't as horrible as I suspected. It definitely sucks, but it sucks in such a way that you're kind of laughing yourself through it and waiting for the next scene to ridicule. The opening scene flashes back to 1966, when the Fire Serpent first came down to Minnesota as a spark that ambushed and killed a young female firefighter who was putting out a brush fire with her boyfriend Dutch. Instead of spending the next 40 years terrorizing the world, the Fire Serpent apparently hibernates until this past Saturday night, when some firefighter named Jake (played by Nicholas Brendon) sees the Fire Serpent do the exact same thing to his rookie friend. Brendon runs into Dutch, who tries to explain that this fire wasn't really a fire, it was a living, snake-like monster. Brendan thinks Dutch is on drugs and tells him to go pound sand. Right here, I wanted to slap Brendon upside the head. The last time I saw Brendon in a movie, he spent two hours getting chased all over a secluded island by a killer pinata in "Demon Island," so he should know that if giant pinatas can come to life, so can fire. In the meantime, Sci-Fi Original veteran actor Robert Beltran spends most of his time in a power struggle with a young actress who has a nice figure (can't remember her name but she played Evelyn in last season's "24") about who has jurisdiction over forest fires in Minnesota. The movie leaves you hanging with unanswered questions. For example, why did the Fire Serpent kill a young lady in 1966, take a 40-year hiatus and then re-emerge in the present day to continue it's killing spree? If the Fire Serpent is such a bad-a**, why is there only a cast of a half-dozen people in this whole movie (You'd think the Fire Serpent's reign of terror would've attracted more attention)? Why bother writing the nosy, investigative reporter and her photog into the film when they get killed 20 minutes into the movie? The special effects don't draw you in either, they're horrible and the creature looks like it was drawn by orange crayon. But the movie is just entertaining enough, even if in a laughable way, to get you to keep watching until the end. I give it a 4 out of 10, only because it's better than that "Pumpkinhead" drivel Sci-Fi Channel wheeled out two weeks ago and I gave that movie a 3.

Pumpkinhead 4: Blood Feud (2007 TV Movie)

5.9 out of 10?!? Are you kidding me?!?!?

[3/10 · 15 February 2007]

I realize it's a small statistical sampling (8 votes as of this posting), but 5.9 out of 10? I'm giving this movie a 3 and even that's generous. I've tried to watch this movie three times now (the Saturday night 9 p.m. premiere on SciFi Channel, and the Saturday night at 1 a.m. and Thursday night re-broadcasts) and I've fallen asleep all three times before the movie ends. Which leaves me with a laundry list of unanswered questions. For example, is Lance Henriksen that strapped for cash that he has to keep playing supporting roles in these god-awful "Pumpkinhead" sequels? Is Henriksen contractually banned from doing any non-"Pumpkinhead" movies? Can't the creators of this franchise do better than a monster that looks like a geriatric, emaciated "Alien" who walks like he has a stick jammed up his a**? When are the hick characters in these movies going to realize that handguns and rifles don't hurt the "Pumpkinhead?" Why don't they try jamming another stick up this thing's a** instead? And, lastly, are the writers of this movie so creatively challenged that they couldn't come up with names for the two feuding families more original than the Hatfields and the McCoys? While you're at it, why not write a screenplay about a fictional president and name him George Bush? Someday I may have the mental stamina to watch this movie all the way through without drifting off to sleep. Until then, if somebody has the answers, please let me know.

Insecticidal (2005)

Giant cartoon insects attack sorority house

[4/10 · 9 December 2006]

I see I've given this movie a higher rating than most. I freely admit this a bad, bad movie. Yet as horrible as this movie is, it's still entertaining to watch, which is why my overall rating pulls the film up. For starters, "Insecticidal" is like the female eye candy version of "Leeches!" In other words, it's a bad giant invertebrate movie except nearly all the characters are hot girls, as opposed to "Leeches!" where they're nearly all male models. Otherwise, the similarities are so striking, I was surprised to learn the two movies weren't done by the same director. Basically, girls live in a sorority house where one (Cami) has an affinity for bugs and is doing a thesis on them for class. The most popular girls in the sorority gets so enraged at bugs crawling around the house (one of them startles her while she's banging some guy) that she sprays insecticide all over Cami's room and kills the bugs. OR SO SHE THINKS!!!... In fact the insecticide somehow causes the bugs to mutate to prehistoric proportions, and they start killing off sorority sisters the night of a wild party. Anyway, this movie is clearly not going to win any awards. The creature effects may be the worst since the old 1950s B-movies. They look like they could have been done on a Commodore-64 home computer. At times the killer insects even look like cartoon characters. The whole premise (if you spray insecticide on your pests they will actually mutate into monsters) is just silly, although I give them credit for not dwelling on it. There's no interest-killing "15-minutes-of-scientific-explanation" scene that most other sci-fi movies feel obliged to feature to justify their existence. And for all the carnage, it's disappointing how effortlessly Cami & Co. kill the insects. Yet if you're willing to sit through a "so-bad-it's-good" movie, "Inseciticidal" does have some redeeming qualities. It's action-packed, almost two straight hours of kills with virtually no down time in the movie. It's interesting to note that, according to the opening scene and credits, this entire movie takes place in the span of about six hours. There's a lot of eye candy here; and to be honest, though they try to stereotype Cami in the glasses-wearing-girl/nerd role, she is the hottest of the bunch. And if you're paying attention, the writers are having some fun here. For example, if you look at the house from the outside, you notice the girls are members of the Beta Upsilon Gamma sorority (whose abbreviation would be "BUG"). Clearly "Insecticidal" will never be considered mentioned in the same sentence such classics as "Alien" or "The Thing," but it's a good take if you're in the mood for a mindless flick. I give it a 4.

Basilisk: The Serpent King (2006 TV Movie)

At least the Basilisk likes the ladies

[4/10 · 3 December 2006]

I give the Basilisk props. In one confrontation, he bites the hottie with the scepter in her hand and rips her dress off. Instead of, oh I dunno, say, running for her life, she sits there in her undies and yells at the Basilisk for ruining her dress. The Basilisk stares at her for two seconds, then chomps her torso off. Not only is it a comically bad scene, but we also got to see Yancy Butler in her skivvies. Tremendous. As for the rest of the movie, it's your standard SciFi Original fare. People find relics of an ancient creature somewhere in Persia. Despite warnings from the locals to leave well enough alone, they take everything home to a major metropolitan museum and the thing comes to life. Military grunts come in talking all big and bad about how they'll blow this thing to smithereens, then run like little girls after it starts ripping them to shreds. Science geeks study its habits and try to find a way to kill it. The Basilisk looked pretty cool. The ending was a little dumb, so that pulls the overall rating lower. But if you're in the mood for some bad horror hijinks, "Basilisk: The Serpent King" (kind of a silly title, since toward the end of the movie the Basilisk was proved to be female) will fit the bill.

Tremors (1990)

Oh, so THIS is why nobody lives in rural Nevada

[8/10 · 25 November 2006]

You watch some horror/sci-fi movies and realize how little effort the actors put into their parts and how much contempt they have for being in it. Not here. "Tremors" is nothing if not fun. And everyone in the movie, while running from carnivorous worms that spring from the ground, suck people under and eat them, looks like they're having the time of their lives. The movie pays homage to the old '50s giant creature movies. The plot is also somewhat reminiscent of "Blood Beach" but set in a small town in rural Nevada instead of oceanside. And it's done with much more pizazz than "Blood Beach," too. There is some effort given to special effects. The plot is set up better, without needless side stories. But the cast is what makes this movie. Kevin Bacon gives his usual spunky, horror movie performance. But the country music lady and the father from "Family Ties," who play a married couple here, nearly steal the show with their one-liners and his obsession with explosives -- which comes in handy quite a bit in this movie. My one complaint: at times "Tremors" can't decide whether it wants to be a serious horror movie or a parody and it kind of drifts from one to the other and back. But overall this is one of the best monster movies of the 90s. A solid 8.

This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

On the IMDb scale of 1 to 10, this movie GOES TO 11!!!!!

[10/10 · 25 November 2006]

On the strength of 82 minutes of footage that could have been done by a hand-held camcorder, "This is Spinal Tap!" ranks as not only one of the best comedies ever, but also one of the best movies ever. In fact, since it rates an average of 7.9 out of nearly 29,000 votes, I'm not sure how it's not on the IMDb Top 250. Based on their own list, that should be more than enough for inclusion on the list. I'm hoping my efforts will help. Those that have been critical of this movie seem are missing the following points: 1) If the movie has not one but SEVERAL lines that have become widely used in mainstream culture, then like it or not it's a very influential movie. Once a day I hear someone (or myself) saying "These go to 11," "Hello, Cleveland!!!" or "I think that the problem may have been... that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in serious danger of being crushed... by a dwarf." At least once every two minutes there is a quotable, HILARIOUS line. There is no other movie around that I hear quoted as frequently. 2) The satire of "Spinal Tap" was pulled off so seamlessly, that everyone younger than 25 THINKS SPINAL TAP WAS A REAL BAND! 3) Since most of the youngsters have never seen "Spinal Tap," I have seen it quite a few times with people who have never seen it, and never has anyone NOT said it was one of the funniest movies they have ever seen. Those that love it could go on for 10,000 lines about how incredibly funny this movie is, but the best way to find out for yourself -- particularly since it's so short -- is to just watch it. You'll bust a gut laughing.

The Thing (1982)

Impressively time-tested

[9/10 · 25 November 2006]

"The Thing" has come a long way from being virtually ignored in the theaters in 1982 because it was released within two weeks of "E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial," (I lobbied hard to see this instead, but my parents overruled me because I was 9 at the time and they felt "E.T." was just a LITTLE more age-appropriate) to making its way onto the IMDb Top 250 Movies of All-Time list. For that remarkable comeback alone, you have to give "The Thing" and its resiliency some mad props. Myself, I ended up finally seeing this in the early 90s when I was in college. Definitely worth the wait. Its based on the old 1930s sci-fi novel "Who Goes There?" and is essentially a remake of the 1950s "The Thing From Another Planet." Aside from being based on an old novel, it is derivative of many before it the sci-fi/monster movie genre. Think "Alien" but in the Antarctic instead of outer space. But this movie still works on so many levels. First of all, it was one of the few movies in the late '70s/early '80s sci-fi genre that actually had a decent cast (such as Kurt Russell, Richard Dysart and that old geezer -- forgot his name -- who used to do Quaker Oats commercials and always mispronounced "diabetes"). Secondly, the special effects are amazingly good for an '80s sci-fi movie; better than a lot of the crap that passes off as CGI special effects on SciFi Channel. Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, this movie takes a somewhat complex plot (in addition to the "monster runs amok" theme, there's quite a bit of plot and character buildup and mistrust amongst the main characters, weaved in with the "in addition to fighting an unknown monster, we're kind of stuck in Antarctica too" claustrophobia) and does it without affecting the pace of the movie whatsoever. I guess that must be the John Carpenter influence. Whatever it is, this was a great movie to watch, giving you the sci-fi scares without any of the laugh-ability of bad, low-budget shockers. I'm shying away just a bit at giving it the highest possible rating because I wasn't 100% on board with the ending (leaves a little too much to interpretation of what happened to the final two survivors), but I give "The Thing" a very solid 9.

The Tigger Movie (2000)

Tigger's going to bounce, pounce, flounce and trounce critics of this movie.

[9/10 · 18 November 2006]

The people who have been posting that this movie is too depressing are missing the point. You can't make a full-length movie about anything, even the mighty Tigger, and just have two hours of "life is wonderful" hoo-has without making it terminally boring. So, this movie decides to expand on one of the staple features of the great Tigger... He is the only Tigger alive, as far as he can tell. He wants to meet his long lost family. Since nobody in the Hundred Acre Wood knows where he came from, they all decide to dress up in Tigger costumes. Tigger figures it out, is hurt and upset, and vows to leave the Hundred Acre Wood, forever I might add, during a blinding nor'easter. When he's almost died of hypothermia, he gets rescued by the Hundre Acre folks and realizes that they are all the family He needs. First of all, this movie is no more depressing than "Bambi," "Lady and the Tramp" or any "Charlie Brown" movie, all of which are geared toward kids. If you cried when Tigger got upset and left in a snowstorm, then this movie did its job. Second, the movie is well done and keeps you enthralled throughout. I actually saw this with an ex-girlfriend and she said it was one of the best movies anyone had taken her to see. This gets a 9 out of 10.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006)

Visually, very stunning. As for the plot? Well...

[4/10 · 18 November 2006]

OK, I've only seen bits and pieces of the first two in the "Fast and the Furious" franchise. What makes this movie watchable is that it's very fast-paced, there are good action scenes, including some of the best four-wheel drifts you'll ever see. The girls are nice eye candy if you're of the Asian persuasion. What does all this mean? It means you could hit the mute button and have the same sense of satisfaction out of watching this, in fact probably better, than if you actually pay attention to such meaningless props as dialogue and plot. Basically, some Alabama hick gets into a drag race while competing for a girl and gets one too many moving violations, so his single mom ships him off to Tokyo to live with his dad. Of course, they love racing over there too and he tries to fit in over there while keeping his love for drifting hidden from his dad. The infighting with his Japanese peers, chasing the king Japanese drifters' girl and confrontation with the Japanese dude's mafia family all seem way too contrived. But the scenes of Tokyo are visually stunning. Basically, "The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift" delivers like a bad horror movie -- you know it's not a good flick but you can't stop watching for the visual effects. I give it a 4 out of 10.

Lifeform (1996)

After seeing this, I now know why Reese Witherspoon is divorcing Ryan Philippe

[3/10 · 18 November 2006]

"Lifeform" would have been a solid 30- or 60-minute episode of "Twilight Zone" or "Outer Limits." It takes the "Alien" theme and throws a few twists in it, such as, do we really know what the alien wants? or is the alien trying to kill us or is it scared and trying to protect itself FROM us? The problem is, it's a full-length feature movie. Thus, we have to sit around and twiddle out thumbs while the director comes up with scene after scene of boring filler. When they're not taking 15 minutes to explain something that should only take 30 seconds, they're giving a young Ryan Phillippe plenty of meaningless face time. The military grunts come across as Keystone Kops quality. If that's our finest, this country is in really sad shape. There are also too few scenes with the alien. A potentially good movie became way too pedestrian. I'm giving this a 3 out of 10.

Rottweiler (2004)

Wow. This dog needs to get laid. Bad.

[3/10 · 22 October 2006]

This movie is two solid hours of finding unique ways a killer dog can carry a grudge and try to kill an escaped convict. The dog chases him everywhere -- through a forest, across the countryside of Spain, into a rural village where a girl and her mother are putting out laundry, and into a small city where he convict dude searches for his long lost girlfriend in the club district. It's almost like the dog is Snoopy's evil twin, going through his World War II Flying Ace shtick with a nasty vendetta instead of just to exercise Snoopy's vivid imagination. While the movie is too slow at times, it's pretty fascinating to see what extremes this dog will endure to settle a grudge. It's pretty fascinating that a dog can actually have a grudge. The metallic teeth are pretty interesting, too, and there's no need for lame special effects. The action scenes are thoroughly entertaining (I would say more suspenseful than scary) and it makes for a good movie to watch if you're bored on a Saturday afternoon.