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Reviews
Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol (2011)
Lots to Like, a Little to Hate
Well, hate is too strong a term. I don't care for Jeremy Renner, he just needs to dial back the unnecessary intensity and have some fun. It's like someone thought, "This is going too well, it needs a bit more Jeremy Renner to bring us down...". Tom Cruise looks ridiculous as a Russian General, skinny, all 5ft 3 of him, but somehow just goes with it and it's fun. Simon Pegg is awesome and gives probably his best performance of the series. And the gal that plays Jane, just dominates every scene and I can't take my eyes off of her. Sexy, smart...she almost steals the movie for me. As many reviews have stated, GP slows down a bit mid way but it doesn't seem a shred of run time is wasted. All good acting and story line. Most characters don't seem to take things so seriously that it becomes outlandish or stupid, except for Renner who seems to be trying to reach for an Oscar. I just don't care for his persona. It's okay overall because he is shunted aside by the other fine actors having a blast with their roles. Back to Jane. It reminds me that most of these MI sequels are better than James Bond movies in the spy and gadget thing but they are extremely lacking in the romance and sexual chemistry department. A good ole sizzling bedroom scene with Jane would have been icing on this cake. The scene with her beating up Anil Kapoor doesn't count. One last thing that bugs me and it isn't the movie's fault. Josh Holloway has a small, almost cameo role at the beginning as a newbie spy that gets killed very quickly. I've always thought he had a great screen presence, all the way back to his role in Lost. He would've made a great action hero or had his own spy movie franchise. Just a wasted talent over the years. Shame.
Expedition Unknown: Chasing Bonnie and Clyde (2023)
Classic Josh Gates, Love Him or Hate Him
This was a pretty fun episode, but mainly watched it because I'm a sucker for anything about Bonnie & Clyde. The first 3rd of the episode is just about ruined with the super-cringy former FBI guy. Someone needs to tell him to quit dying his hair and trying to pass for 35. He looks 70 and the mop of dyed blonde hair is pathetic. I thought Nikolina Bohr was super hot and I'd like to see more of her. Pun intended. Her chemistry with Josh was great fun and by far the most interesting segment of the episode. Only a European chick would wear white pants to dig in a muddy field, but it kind of holds your attention...
The Long, Long Trailer (1954)
Eesh.
I tried watching this for the first time in about 35 years and couldn't make it beyond about 45 minutes. I loved the nostalgia of seeing America in her prime, but boy is this movie annoying. It's probably true that sedans back in the 50's could haul a 40 foot trailer loaded to the gills, but try that now and you wouldn't get out of the driveway. I enjoy Lucy and Ricky in small doses, like the TV show, but the shtick is hard to take after a few minutes. I also couldn't picture Lucy and Desi in this situation. They were rich and famous during this time and probably had servants and flew anywhere they wanted to go, so it wasn't in the least believable and felt entirely contrived. If tense, fidgety, nervous, bickering humor is your thing you may enjoy it. I had to go for a walk afterward to calm down. Not for me.
Silo (2023)
Dreary Drab and Depressing
It's hard to enjoy this show for MANY reasons, the least of which is the overly female dominated cast devoid of any strong male characters. NONE. If that weren't bad enough, the Rebecca Ferguson character is so figgity and insecure it makes me want to go take a jog instead of sitting through more of her multitude of neurotic tendencies. I haven't read any of the books but there is ZERO mystery what's going on here. They are being lied to by the "Founders" and the real world outside is just fine and beautiful. Sorry but a movie from the 1970s, Logan's Run, was basically the same premise. The sets and dim lighting are also so obvious...they are buried underground, so of course you must feel oppressed, and everything is the color of dirt. The most exciting part of the first five episodes is when someone finds...wait for it...a PEZ DISPENSER!! ...from the former real world!! OMG it must be significant but I'll be dang'ed if I'll spend any more of my life watching the paint dry as this series has become duller than dull. If I wait too long, I'm sure a bunch of LGBTQ nonsense will start being shoved down our throat as most of TV and movies now do. Here's some advice... the real world is beautiful, bright and happy if you spend an ounce of energy trying to observe it. This show is slow, boring, depressing and not all that original. I gave it 3 stars basically only because I like Rebecca Ferguson. She doesn't have much to work with in this stinker.
Expedition Unknown (2015)
Expedition Junk Food TV
I've been watching this show off and on for over 10 years and it's hardly ever good. I used to imitate Josh's high pitched voice, "OH MY GOSH! LOOK AT THIS!!" ...to the amusement of my kids. He says it at least a dozen times per episode. As the years have gone by it's become embarrassingly obviously to all of us that aren't brain dead, that they are planting artifacts for Josh to find. "OH MY GOSH! LOOK AT THIS!!" I just watched the latest episode and supposedly Josh just happened to be in Egypt standing next to a pyramid when an archeologist comes running and saying they've found a new tomb! And low and behold, Josh starts pulling 5,000 yr old pottery out of the sand that no one's ever seen before. "OH MY GOSH!! LOOK AT THIS!!" Yeah right.
Three Days of the Condor (1975)
Disappointing
I was thirteen when this movie came out and have actually just watched it for the first time. I remember it was talked about quite a bit back then when Redford was all the rage, but I never got around to it. My main disappointment is finding out how one dimensional Redford is for all the hype. You could plunk him into Butch Cassidy...Sting...Condor.. all the same man. I don't know if the story was tired and lame when the movie came out but I've seen a hundred variations of this plot and most were done better. Guy on the run, can't trust anyone, is going to change the world when the truth comes out... blah, blah, blah. Sorry to break it to you but the world never changes, even when the truth comes out because it's usually so obscene that no one believes it. This was also a rather low budget looking film even with the sprinkle of big name stars. It was especially cringe-worthy during a couple (70's version of high-tech) scenes inside the super spy hq of Langley. It looked almost like scenes stolen from a cheesy James Bond movie...big clicking computers, oversized labels on the micro-fisch machine...the use of the very short lived terrible computer fonts. Lots of talk with a few shoot outs to keep things amusing. Oh and the love scene with Faye Dunaway... lol. I don't think I've ever seen a love scene of hers without the most bizarre facial expressions and twitching movements. Strange lady. I made it through the entire movie which is saying something and why I gave it a 6 out of 10 rating.
Meet the Romans with Mary Beard (2012)
A Bit Tedious
I give Mary an A for effort but she is a bit hard to take for an ordinary ole American like me. The British must have a very high tolerance for the extremely untelegenic hosts with bad teeth. I'm sorry to sound shallow but my goodness. Poor old Mary, stringy grey hair, dirty fingernails, frumpy persona, bad teeth and all...take her or leave her. I enjoyed most of the program despite how distracting Mary's bad teeth are. However in one segment Mary was apparently visiting Rome at the height of summer and was sweating like a pig. Her hair was sticking to her neck and sweat was pouring down her face and I just couldn't take it anymore. Good lord, have some self respect and tidy up before rolling the cameras. I have no idea how good the rest of the show is.
Being the Ricardos (2021)
Who Writes the Checks?
Who writes the checks to you crazy people giving this show 9-10 stars ?? That's a total joke! I gotta say it's impressive the effort y'all put in trying to offset the dismal REAL ratings of 1-2 stars. You can go back to January and see almost every Hollywood publication up in arms how bad a choice Kidman was for this role. DISASTER! She's flat and expressionless throughout the movie. They resort to CGI deep fake a couple times because Kidman is just not cutting it. She can't move her face! Almost every character in the film is miscast so she's not alone!
Destination Fear (2019)
Mostly Meh
I loved the episode where they go to Ireland and put bagpipes as background music. Schools have failed. The premise of the show is ridiculous, the kids are mildly entertaining, but it's all been done before and better by other ghost shows.
Million Dollar Listing Los Angeles (2006)
Fredericka is Sickening
Good lord this show is unwatchable with with the ultra ultra flamboyant flamboyant Frederick. They've basically dropped this "guy" in and nuked every other character out of the way. Why? There wasn't enough gay going on ? Are you kidding? I loved seeing the rich homes in LA but just can't take anymore of this Fredericka shoved in my face. Decent show ruined.
Dune (2021)
Tedious, Oh so Tedious
This movie tries too hard. We are supposed to be overawed with the scenery and cinematography but somehow it all seems like a retread from other movies. Some effects were pleasantly unique but 98% retread. The Orinthopters took no imagination at all. Cool...make a 80 foot wide mechanical dragonfly that is totally out of place among antigravity starships. Didn't make sense in the books and visually looks ridiculous in the movie.
I was a major fan of the books 45 years ago and that's the only way I could have any hope of following this movie. The world was different back then, the politics were different and the story didn't age well. Very big stretch of credulity that we'd devolve in the high tech future 10,000 years from now to having this galactic feudal system of Houses and Lords. It's like Tim Burton slept with Steven Speilberg and Dune was their aborted wet dream. The Emperor gives the House Atreides the great honor of kicking the Harkonnens off of Arrakis, then hires the Harkonnens to exterminate the Atreides about 3 months later for seemingly no reason (in the movie). I watched this on streaming so there was no way for me to walk out of the theater but I would have if I had been there.
And what is it with this Timotheeee Chevrolet? His acting is far far from anything special. Oh he can balance a tear on his lower eyelid for an eternity but is this the new feminist pick for a leading man? All 5'2" and 90 lbs of him? It doesn't make sense. I have the feeling he is the boy of the moment much like Shia LaPoof was. Here today gone tamale.
Sighhh. Dune is just one of those books that should remain a book. It's too big, too complex and too slow to adapt to the screen, no matter how many flashy CGI artists are employed. Give it a rest and leave this sleeping dog alone.
The History of Time Travel (2014)
Horrid
Even ten minutes of this is a waste of time. I don't know when I've been so appalled by so much lack of talent accumulated in one film, the acting, the direction, the writing, the effects... all supremely sub par. The entire portion I was able to sit through was a horrendously executed attempt to build a scientists motivation for building a time machine through the loss of his wife. I'm sorry, but isn't having a time machine itself motivation enough?? This was made in 2014 but good lord it might as well been 1974. I cringed so much I thought I was about to have an aneurism. Haaaard Pass.
No Time to Die (2021)
There's Nothing the Woke Won't Destroy
The title of the next 007 movie should be, There's Nothing the Woke Won't Destroy. No womanizing, no flirting, no drinking, no fun. Just like my Presidents, I don't vote for the Pope. Bond should be left alone to be the love him or hate him primordial beast he was meant to be, not devolved into the average domesticated shmoe down the street. I hate the pointless parade of diversity characters which actually should be viewed for what it is...pointless and demeaning. Here's your black, here's your Asian, here's your Indian, here's your LBGTQQ2+ or whatever. I suppose somewhere someone is thinking, The Hulk is too green, let's make a movie with a black Hulk or an Asian Hulk. Wait for it. It's pointless, demeaning and tiresome.
This movie was predictable in every respect. Oh wait, I escape to the movies and pay $12 to watch 2:40 hrs of someone trying to destroy the human race with a manufactured virus? Are you freaking kidding me? How authentic! How original! How like our everyday lives for the last two years. JFC.
Daniel Craig was my favorite Bond behind Sean Connery. All good things come to an end. They would be better served casting a young Sean Connery look-alike and rebooting the entire franchise back to 1965, period sets and all. I'm sure that idea has been discussed and then tossed because it couldn't be woke enough. Sigh. It's over folks.
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)
Good Lord Awful
I haven't seen this movie since enduring it at the theater in 1999 and remembered almost nothing about it except the dual with Darth Maul....still the only good thing about this horrible horrible waste of energy. Bad script, bad actors, bad CGI, this is definitely the film where George Lucas lost his mojo. Casting Hayden Christiansen as Anakin has to be one of the worst movie making decisions of the last 75 years and almost single handedly destroyed the franchise... but that's in the next film. JarJar Binks delivered so many cringey moments in this film that I could only make it through about an hour before I turned it off. The only fascinating element to me is trying to figure out how they got this so wrong! It's like Lucas was at the helm of the Titanic, knowing where the biggest iceberg was and intentionally headed straight for it!! Literally the only good thing about this movie is the 5 minute fight with Darth Maul. Even The Force and Jedi were destroyed by Lucas in this film by removing the religion and mysticism of the Jedi Order and replacing it with a blood-borne pathogen, "Midichlorians". ????? George Lucas is crying all the way to the bank obviously but should've been held upside-down by his toenails after this debacle. HARD PASS. IMDB please institute a negative star rating for films like this.
El Dorado (1966)
Another Unwatchable Starched-shirt Cowboy Dress Up Party
These old John Wayne movies hold a lot of nostalgia for me but are sadly unwatchable now. I made it through the first 15 minutes but I don't have the patience for this kind of cowboy make-believe silliness anymore. All the perfect teeth, starched shirts, colorful neck scarves... these have about as much realism as a high school play, and aren't that well acted. Wayne and Mitchum have as much acting range as a totem pole, and all the women have more makeup on than any western town prostitute ever dreamed of. The stage lighting... every indoor scene lit up from some mysterious off screen source. I could go on and on. I just can't take it. I'll keep my memories, but these old films just don't look good nor have they aged well.
Expedition X (2020)
Horrible Horrible Horrible
Is this a children's show?? Good GOD the way this is put together... the acting, the scripts, the contrived and fake settings. I thought Mountain Monsters was bad but I've never cringed as much as listening this talentless duo banter back and forth. Jessica and Phil have zero onscreen chemistry and seem more suited to doing a remake of Blue's Clues or some other children's programming. If Josh Gates is producing this milk toast garbage knock off of his own show then I've lost all respect. I just tried watching a new episode and the director must have gone full LGBTQ because of the MANY slow motion shots of Phil Torres riding a horse on a trip to nowhere were awful. I was expecting him to take off his shirt at any moment. PLEASE put this show out of my misery.
Cleopatra (1963)
Good Lord It's Unwatchable
This is just as bad as the old Westerns. Like grown-ups putting on a bad High School play. Bad acting is off the scale... all the lily whites with fake British accents, trying to sound cultured and sophisticated. All it takes to act like a Roman emperor is to walk around, clutching the hem of your toga, spouting inane dialogue. Good lord this is bad. The soundtrack is terrible as well. You might as well have used the composer for the Big Valley... violins, violins, violins. Gut wrenching. I'm done with this.
The Sons of Katie Elder (1965)
Sadly Unwatchable Now
I have fond memories watching these old westerns with my dad back in the 1960's and 70's but they have not aged well at all. As I enter my 60's now, I recognize how contrived and preposterous most John Wayne movies are from that era. Bad acting, bad casting, HORRIBLE dialogue that will make you cringe inside out. I can't even stand the wardrobe... starched pants, fitted shirts, spotless hats... every man wearing a fancy gun belt and colt pistol that would've cost 2 years wages back then. Does anyone believe the old West was anything more than a dirty, sweaty, toothless, ill-fitting homemade clothes, half-starved bare existence?? I'm just incapable of suspending belief long enough anymore to get through 30 minutes of these amateurish, grown-up dress up like a cowboy westerns.
Buh buh but...that's John Wayne!! There's no denying that John Wayne had a one of a kind screen presence... you can't take your eyes off of him, looking for meaning in every squint and deep breath he takes. As I grieve for my fading nostalgia for his films, I begrudge Wayne for obviously "punching the clock" on many of these movies. He had so much clout at the height of his fame he could've demanded better writing and casting, demanded more realism. I suppose he was satisfied with just giving his fans a fun parade of period stars like Dean Martin and George Kennedy. These guys look ridiculous dressed up like cowboys and riding horses with their Chicago gangster accents. It's almost laughable. It IS laughable. I'm going to stop watching and just keep remembering the fond times with my dad who worshipped John Wayne. Something I can't do.
The Tomorrow War (2021)
How???????
How can you make a movie who's whole premise is sending thousands of people from the present to fight a war in the future...when knowing that if those people die, they are changing the future before it happens?? Good lord. Aliens are amazing though. CGI designer was smoking a bottle of Jack.
On the Trail of UFOs (2020)
It's Over?
There are now a TON of these UFO shows on streaming services, most are only one or two seasons... Why? Because there's nothing new. They all do the Roswell episode. They all do the Area 51 episode. They all go to AZ and NM and interview a bunch of trailer park crazies than couldn't tell their 12-pack from a hole in the ground. I watched it for the rare glimpses of LeGro's rear end. Not bad. But as far as a UFO documentary series? ....all been said and done before. Boring, except for the rare glimpses of LeGro's rear end.
Alien Highway (2019)
More of the Same
I like turning on shows like this as background noise while I'm reading something interesting...sometimes something will come up that I haven't seen before. Zukowski has a face that just looks credible even though the show is pretty much more of the same ole same ole UFO junk food. I really like the schtick of geeky guys teamed with a hot female investigator and this...almost succeeds in this regard. I don't know why these UFO shows can't get a good run going like Ghost Hunters or the like, but part of the reason seems that they are all stuck on the dang Roswell "evidence". FIND NEW MATERIAL. That horse has been beat to the molecular level.
Friends: The Reunion (2021)
Cringie and Sad
My wife and I are both huge Friends fans and have been looking forward to this reunion show for months. I could hardly have been more disappointed. Oh sure it was nice seeing them all again, but sad to see what the ravages of time has done. You kind of watch those old Friends episodes and get wrapped up in the youthful enthusiasm of all the characters... I didn't really enjoy having that snapshot in time shattered. Poor poor poor Matthew Perry! If he were curled up on a park bench with garbage swirling around him, he would look right at home. Perry was an empty shell of his former self and largely ignored throughout this whole program.
So many interesting questions were totally off limits apparently. What have you been doing with yourself for the last 17 years? Tell us about your families... what projects are you involved with now? Instead we get a terribly out of place 'fashion show' of costumes once worn on the show. What the ... ?! Fifty percent of the show is talking about Rachel and Ross having the hots for each other on and off screen. Terribly and glaringly ignored is Chandler and Monica's thing that filled the last 3 years of the series. Yes, Matthew Perry is a train wreck, but damn that seems the most interesting thing that wasn't talked about.
Terribly paced, terribly written... but they expect you to overlook all the astounding shortfalls and just be glad to see the gang together. I can't stand to see such an opportunity missed like this. So disappointed. I will have to go to Wikipedia now and try to find the mountains of material and backgrounds of the cast that were completely ignored in this show.
Bonanza (1959)
Forgot How Bad This Was
I decided to give Bonanza a try on TV Land channel after not seeing an episode for over 30 years. Really. I thought it might be interesting to see it in 4K. Not only have they not remastered the series, it looks even worse than it did 30 or 40 years ago on a tube tv. It's almost as if they projected it onto a wall and video'd it from that. VERY grainy and jerky to the point of being almost unwatchable for that reason alone.
Bonanza was one of my least favorite old westerns to begin with, right behind The Big Valley and Gunsmoke. The acting is horrible, the costuming is way way WAY over-tailored to look so unrealistic for the time period it's laughable. All these "cowboys" walking into the saloon with immaculately fitted and clean matching outfits, shaved faces, blown dried hair. These people in the West scratched and scrabbled to etch out a living. It was a dirty and sweaty hand to mouth existence and my intelligence feels insulted to see all the perfect wardrobes and beautiful people.
It's really pathetic a couple of generations of us idolized these series the way we did. There are some redeeming qualities if you can look past the fact that all they are are televised high school plays acted by older adults. The new generation of TV shows has LOTS of their own problems but Bonanza is something better left in the past. It did not age well at all!!
The Secret of Skinwalker Ranch (2020)
Bleh to The Max
New packaging, same ole garbage. Unfortunately they decided to build the first season around the highly annoying Dr. Travis Taylor. Listening to him talk for more than 10 seconds you can feel your IQ start to evaporate. I'm from the South but this guy seems more fitting for a BBQ cooking show or something and his voice becomes a major distraction. Beyond this poor casting choice you get an assorted box of goofballs that aren't actors but actual ranch employees. For this I forgive the bad performances but none of them add any much needed gravitas. That role seems reserved for the extremely wooden ranch owner, Brandon Fugal. He's got a bunch of money and loves to rub it in your face. Mr. Fugal is a real life highly accomplished businessman but his appearances in the show do nothing to bolster his reputation. More often than not, Fugal comes across as humorless, uptight, vainglorious... I could go on. He seems more worried about getting his shoes dirty than finding answers about the weird phenomena. About three quarters of the way through Season 1, some producer catches a clue and decides the show desperately needs a female to counter balance all the goofy nerd guys running around bumping into each other. So they throw in the wife of the ranch caretaker. Bless her heart but this gal would seem more at ease chain smoking cigarettes behind the register at a gas station than on a major tv show. Come on.
It really bothers me that I can spot obvious and major production deficiencies on shows like this. So much material, so much potential derailed by poor casting and inexplicably bad production values. Brandon Fugal if no one else should pull his support of this dog and pony show unless the History Channel ups their game. I am reminded way too much of the Curse of Oak Island show, you know, the guys that have been digging the same two square mile island for 20 years looking for gold? The only gold there is from commercial sponsors that pay to advertise to gullible fools that watch that garbage year after year.
The Secret of Skinwalker Ranch (2020)
Bleh to The Max
New packaging, same ole garbage. Unfortunately they decided to build the first season around the highly annoying Dr. Travis Taylor. Listening to him talk for more than 10 seconds you can feel your IQ start to evaporate. I'm from the South but this guy seems more fitting for a BBQ cooking show or something and his voice becomes a major distraction. Beyond this poor casting choice you get an assorted box of goofballs that aren't actors but actual ranch employees. For this I forgive the bad performances but none of them add any much needed gravitas. That role seems reserved for the extremely wooden ranch owner, Brandon Fugal. He's got a bunch of money and loves to rub it in your face. Mr. Fugal is a real life highly accomplished businessman but his appearances in the show do nothing to bolster his reputation. More often than not, Fugal comes across as humorless, uptight, vainglorious... I could go on. He seems more worried about getting his shoes dirty than finding answers about the weird phenomena. About three quarters of the way through Season 1, some producer catches a clue and decides the show desperately needs a female to counter balance all the goofy nerd guys running around bumping into each other. So they throw in the wife of the ranch caretaker. Bless her heart but this gal would seem more at ease chain smoking cigarettes behind the register at a gas station than on a major tv show. Come on.
It really bothers me that I can spot obvious and major production deficiencies on shows like this. So much material, so much potential derailed by poor casting and inexplicably bad production values. Brandon Fugal if no one else should pull his support of this dog and pony show unless the History Channel ups their game. I am reminded way too much of the Curse of Oak Island show, you know, the guys that have been digging the same two square mile island for 20 years looking for gold? The only gold there is from commercial sponsors that pay to advertise to gullible fools that watch that garbage year after year.