jakerocks Reviews

A Quiet Place Part II (2020)

Nobody can find shoes in these movies?

[1/10 · 18 May 2024]

The single most important thing when you're on the run, and they can't find any shoes? Even if you can't find any on the feet of dead people, the stores are going to have something close enough in your size! Everybody's dead! You don't even have to cash out. Just grab and go! Did the writers not see Dawn of the Dead? It came out in 1978. It's a blueprint of what to do and what not to do in a zombie apocalypse. The writers chose to ignore basic common sense. Even in the first Terminator movie, the hero grabs shoes.

I'm sorry but this is a stupid series of slow motion anti-climactic boredom. In no universe would Emily Blunt be a damsel in distress constantly on the verge of tears. You can't go from kicking the crap out of everyone to suddenly being one of the most useless people on screen without a really good reason.

They tease viewers for two seconds by showing the aliens in action and then it's back to slowly walking around outside crying. And they only approach real time action again when the "people are worse than the aliens" trope rears its ugly head.

The deafness of the children does nothing to elevate the story. At best it's a plot element to slow everything down. It doesn't help explain the human condition. But the real problem is the adults can't seem to apply critical thinking skills. Then the kids discover they can save the world with microphone feedback? Is this supposed to be the empowering punk rock movement of the next generation? I will not be wasting any more time on this rubber chicken caught in a hurricane of emotional gobbledygook.

X-Men '97 (2024– )

Terrible dialogue, worse animation

[1/10 · 3 May 2024]

The animation is extremely boring. Like someone played pin-the-arms-on-the-hero on a refrigerator. We are used to much better animation, not just from Japan but domestically. Disney animation from the 40's to the 60's is far superior. Pixar has made some incredible, inspirational things.

The dialogue is the most cliche rendering of comic book language imaginable. It's not artful in any way. It's an insult to our intelligence.

It doesn't have to be as polished as the recent animated Spiderman movies with Miles Morales. But it needs to be a lot better than this. It's a sad rendering of some of the most well known heroes in the Marvel universe. Can't we get animation that doesn't look like the most basic stop motion graphics?

The glowing reviews this is getting have to be bogus. It's not fun to look at and it's not fun to listen to. It doesn't merit anything above five stars.

Celia (1989)

Don't watch it for a pick-me-up

[4/10 · 9 April 2024]

On the surface it is a depressing story about a girl who seems to have trouble telling the difference between the real world and make believe. She sees monsters when bad things happen, which is a nice metaphor. But it takes a serious turn when she has a shotgun in her hands.

Digging a little deeper it's a feminist perspective on home life for a young girl and her mother. And the situations that unfold when a new family moves in next door with a pretty but independent-thinking neighbor's wife.

The drama around the danger of the neighbors being communist was surprising. As well as the misogyny from the young heroine's father. It all works up towards an ominous conclusion so it's never boring. But where it goes is quite unsettling.

The children in her neighborhood school are no less brutal and political than my childhood was. But it's a very dark story for a group of pre-teens.

Teddy (I) (2020)

When a werewolf movie is not a werewolf movie

[4/10 · 7 April 2024]

It's an interesting film to talk about once you've seen it. An obnoxious and easily agitated young man believes he is bitten by a werewolf and unfortunate events ensue. It's unclear whether this is truly a werewolf movie or if the protagonist has a bad trip after consuming mushrooms.

The experience of watching this film is more like watching a younger man's version of Falling Down with Michael Douglas. In some ways it's easy to identify with him. But in other ways he is just repulsive. The film is more sophisticated than it lets on in the trailers.

The girlfriend tries to do the right thing when she realizes the inevitable. But he can't let go. It's kind of a coming-of-age story. And there's a hint of class war, rich vs poor. There are a few interesting layers to the story. But not a conventional werewolf movie by any means. Horror fans will be disappointed. But indy movie fans will be intrigued. If they had called it, "The Werewolf of Le Boulou (or wherever he's from in the film)" I think it would have been a better title.

Kids from Shaolin (1984)

Really awful

[1/10 · 7 April 2024]

So many songs! They don't even provide subtitles for the songs but they are clearly making poop jokes and saying crass things based on their gestures.

The whole thing is over the top campiness. Meanwhile making allusions to a mother who can only give birth to girls and therefore ruining her husband's life and the joke of the entire village. I wanted to like it and give it a chance but the movie just keeps digging a deeper and deeper hole into the realms of bad taste.

I'm surprised this even passed the censors when it came out. But I guess the Chinese film industry thought this was good clean fun? It's terrible. Jet Li is one of my favorite martial artists but this is one to skip.

The Christmas Miracle of Jonathan Toomey (2007)

Slow moving sappy movie

[4/10 · 6 April 2024]

My main complaint is that it's painfully slow. It took me three or four times to finally get through it on streaming. It's a very cute, quaint story with great young actors. The actress who plays the mother, Joely Richardson is adorable. Probably the youngest I've seen Saoirse Ronan and she's great in everything. As much as I love Tom Berenger in other things, he was a little stiff in this one. But that's what the story calls for, so no one is to blame.

It's just a simple slow moving story that probably could have been better if it was just an hour long special instead of an hour and a half theatrical length. It's also a little heavy handed with the country music and number of times they mention baby Jesus. I like baby Jesus. But I don't like movies that thump the bible over your head like you're in Sunday school.

I didn't really get why the movie was named after Mr Toomey. But now that I know there's a book, maybe some day I'll read it since other reviews said the book is better. But that's usually the case with adaptations.

Dark City (1998)

Not as great as it thinks it is

[1/10 · 4 April 2024]

Some like to say the film is too hard to understand and maybe it should have been dumbed down. But the real problem is that it's not told in a coherent narrative and a lot of odd liberties are taken. There isn't much to unpack after all the verbose explaining by the main characters at the end. It would have been improved by not having them blurt out all of the most crucial dialogue in the final fifteen minutes. This is what the Matrix handled a million times better.

My greatest complaint is how miscast the major characters are. The asthmatic, breathy speaking style Kiefer Sutherland uses to portray the doctor / mad scientist is more aggravating than his injured eye makeup. Rufus Sewell's perpetually damp curly hair is distracting. And why can we only see one of his eyes half the movie? Jennifer Connelly can't lip sync or dance. There's nothing stylish or sexy about any of it even though that's obviously what they were going for.

The attempt at "film noir" results in unintentional comedy. The uptight yet goofy Strangers reminded me of the Gentlemen on the Buffy episode Hush, only that was a million times better. I kept laughing at things Doctor Kiefer was saying. When there's zero sense of humor and a lot of people randomly falling down in the dark, it's hard to stay immersed in the story. It's like watching a movie projected into in a fish bowl.

The praise Roger Ebert gives this film is unwarranted. The movie has so many flaws. The over-explaining and excessively dark scenes. Moreover, there was no need for it to be rated R. The nudity in this film was gratuitous and use of violence against women for intrigue is shallow. You can make an enthralling murder mystery without flashing body parts. Infidelity as a sci-fi plot element is also silly. The questionable sanity of the now-retired investigator Walenski (Colin Friels) was a lot more interesting and they treated it as a throw away.

I wanted to give this movie the benefit of the doubt but it doesn't hold up. I might watch the director's cut because it's supposed to be better. It removes the opening narration of the theatrical release, which is the version that is streaming, which is ideal because it's out of context yet explains half of the film before you've even met any of the characters. Then at the end it explains the other half. When a mostly quiet and somber film's problems are all resolved with a lot of talking and explaining by one or two characters at the end it's a bad script. So the director's cut may be better. I'll try to give it a chance if I can get a copy.

I could write a lot more but I don't want to ruin it any more than I already have for anyone. Just a very disappointing film.

The Incredible Hulk (2008)

Weak character development for Hulk's MCU debut

[1/10 · 10 March 2024]

Thankfully they ignored the first movie. But the whole feel is still more Sony Spider-man than MCU Hulk. They simplified Banner's origin story. I've never read an omnibus of the original comic series but what they did is definitely not what was in the 70's TV show which was beautifully crafted. Although Joseph Harnell's The Lonely Man theme song from the TV show is given credit, I didn't even notice hearing it and I adore that piece of music. It played at the end of every episode. It would be great if it can be made the centerpiece for the Hulk again in the future.

Banner's girlfriend Betty is a beautiful girly-girl, waiting for her man in shining armor to whisk her away. No evidence of her having any science genius. She's just a pawn to be pulled back and forth between Banner and Ross. Putting a woman's life in jeopardy is the climactic moment of tension? Can we please stop playing that card? And Banner can't have sex now because that would be too exciting? Puritanical barf!

Ross keeps using the dumbest tactics to try to contain the Hulk. His stupid measures fail over and over again. It's not just frustrating for Ross, it's frustrating for the viewers too. This is too hard to watch if you're at all familiar with the comic books or the 70s TV show.

Tim Roth's performance as the ambitious Blonsky is refreshing. Even though I didn't care for the finale with the Abomination. Not a great film by itself and not the greatest starting point the Hulk could have had. I can see why Ruffalo isn't interested in doing a stand-alone Hulk film. Not when they screw up this badly. He's safer in the mix with the other characters.

The Last Voyage of the Demeter (2023)

No humor or finesse in this murky storytelling

[1/10 · 17 February 2024]

It's too dark to see anything most of the time. When they finally add enough light to see, it's a closeup of someone's smashed head, or an innocent victim's face. What are meant to be shocking moments are just emphasis on what is already obvious.

A more subtle, smarter film would draw viewers in more. It doesn't feel like we the viewer are treated with respect. Poor storytelling is notorious for under-appreciating the intelligence of the audience. In the hands of a more adept storyteller the film could have been a hundred times better, worth many rewatches. Unfortunately it's hardly worth watching even one time just to find out what it does wrong.

There are no interesting puzzle boxes or hidden secrets. No plot twists or revelations. Where is the creature during the day and why can't they find it? The crew never figure out where he was hiding. That's unacceptable. The writers never came up with a good trick as to how Dracula pulled off as not being found on a boat six people can scour in twenty minutes. The crew never even say it out loud that they're safe during the day because the killings are only happening at night.

The movie takes itself so seriously, without even a passing moment of humor, that it becomes deadening to the senses. While the special effects were good, in some scenes the creature looks like Smeagol more than Dracula. Not an inspiring new take. Even the triumphant music at the end is misplaced.

X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019)

Let's just pretend this one doesn't exist

[1/10 · 7 February 2024]

Jean Grey never got the full treatment her character deserved. Her power is on the order of a Titan yet she was treated as a side character most of the time. Now it's a disaster. What an awful film for so many reasons. Not just stylistic ones but core story elements are completely out of line with canonical X-Men.

On the pettiest level of complaints, why is Jean wearing so much makeup? She looked so much better in Apocalypse. And why the drastic change in Mystique's makeup? There was no need to do anything different between these two movies.

Jean's character was never plotted out with any finesse. I refuse to acknowledge this craptastic episode as MCU cannon.

I also hope Marvel pretends this movie doesn't exist and brings Mystique back. I am not ready to mourn Mystique and refuse to let her be dead. She's one of my favorite characters and the death they gave her was not a hero's death.

Escape from L.A. (1996)

So bad it's not good

[3/10 · 22 January 2024]

Snake Plissken is so badass he can play basketball and even surf! It's supposed to be campy and over the top. But holy smokes it couldn't be any slower. The pace drags like a corpse behind a garbage truck of a script. If it was 20 minutes shorter it would tighten up the flow and really bring out a ridiculous tone we could shout about. Instead it's a terrible snoozer of sad jokes and tough guy bravado. What's with stealing the main funny line from Patrick Swayze's Road House? That was the lowest blow of the whole movie. Write your own script!

Campbell, Fonda and Grier are only in it for a second. It's almost worth watching Steve Buscemi be Steve Buscemi for a few scenes. But then the story curls up and dies and it's over. A sad end to Snake indeed.

The Cotton Club (1984)

Great song and dance, poor story

[4/10 · 1 January 2024]

The solo singing and the group dancing scenes are worth watching in and of themselves. Lonette McKee's voice is spectacular!

But the story is weak and the lead was miscast. I love Richard Gere in so many things but this was not a role for him. The main character is supposed to be a scintillating upstart shaking up everything around him. But either the script or the acting muddies the story.

It's hard to hear the spoken dialogue but the vocals during the musical parts are perfectly recorded. The dialogue was apparently re-recorded in the studio and is so badly matched to their mouths at some points it's like watching a dubbed foreign film. I enjoyed it overall. But it's like a music video that's too long.

Nutcracker (1986)

Not enough emphasis on dancing

[4/10 · 18 December 2023]

The dancing is splendid but the cinematography is a hindrance to enjoying it. The camera keeps cutting from angle to angle, lingering on close ups, so you're missing the grandeur of the ballet. Several critic reviews mention it too.

And I hate to admit it but I did not like this version of Herr Drosselmeier who is her godfather. He's the one who gives her the nutcracker and for some reason they made him awkward and creepy. He keeps giving her weird looks and she is acting like she is afraid of him the entire time. He also keeps giving jealous, dirty looks to her beau the Nutcracker Prince. Drosselmeier even physically pulls her away from the prince. It's an odd take on the story. Roger Ebert who I often disagree agree with also noted in his review that they inappropriately made Drosselmeier into a dirty old man.

For special effects, the heavy use of green screen backgrounds was a distraction. Even though it tied into the toy castle theme, it's an interesting idea but not executed well.

My biggest gripe is the songs are completely out of order. For some reason they play the Sugar Plum fairy first. The Sugar Plum is one of the most special moments and has no place being dished out before the promenade of different dances that are really an appetizer.

And one last item is the way the credits start rolling over the finale! You can't even see what is happening during the final dance. The text is obscuring everything that is happening while they all take their bows to crowd applause, which is a special part of going to the theater. This is a moment to savor and point out who your favorite dancers are and remember what their costumes look like. There are numerous other filmed versions to watch and I was glad to see this one. But I only need it to see one time. I recommend Baryshnikov to cleanse the palate. Happy Christmas!

Kes (1969)

A bleak, miserable film

[1/10 · 7 December 2023]

With subtitles on I could understand the story. A boy is relentlessly mistreated everywhere he turns. The one area of solace he finds is finally shattered and nothing is revealed that offers comfort. It ends like a truck hitting a wall.

I could not recommend this to anyone other than the kind of person who wants to see everything. It's not a family movie by any stretch of the imagination. It's something to watch in preparation for your next therapy session to consider what trauma it brings up from your past. The school in the film is a miserable place that should be shut down and the teachers are oblivious of their own contribution to the impoverished state of it. Unfortunately the movie doesn't offer anything else.

Prom Night (1980)

Confusing story and not much else

[4/10 · 9 November 2023]

A tedious and slow entry in the slasher genre but it's an early one and didn't have much to compare itself against at the time. There's are typical themes of high school love triangles and people desperate to lose their virginity.

But the tie in to the core horror aspect is hard to follow. They don't introduce the characters well and I found it hard to remember who was who as a kid. As a historical artifact of 80s horror it's interesting to watch but only so you can compare it with other movies. On its own it doesn't warrant much attention. But if you love horror and want to watch everything then definitely put it on your list.

The Thing (I) (2011)

Wasted effort and embarrassing to watch

[1/10 · 1 November 2023]

I don't know what they were trying to do but this is a mashup of the Thing and Hellraiser with recycled special effects from King Kong 2005. It must be cheaper to reuse CGI from another movie but it really cheapens the look and feel. The script goes nowhere and all over the place at the same time. A superbly dumb film that never should have existed. The story contradicts itself every five minutes. A few moments that could have been good were not capitalized on and thrown away but they could have been developed into their full potential. One of those "why did I just watch that" movies. Just watch John Carpenter again. I am racing to forget this mess as soon as I can.

Finch (2021)

Slow as molasses

[1/10 · 29 July 2023]

I am Legend without the vampires. The long stretches of no dialogue and oldies music are taxing. If the film had been half an hour shorter I might have enjoyed it but it dragged on forever. I'm sorry but Tom Hanks had no chemistry with the dog. The scene in the beginning when they're supposed to be all buddy-buddy doesn't sit right and the movie never gets better.

The robot looks like a blatant copy of B1-66ER from the Ani-Matrix. Using a version of Stephen Hawking's vocoder as his voice grated on my nerves. I can hardly understand what he's saying, and when I can, it has an upward inflection at the end that is very much like Borat but in the worst possible way.

Boring and goes nowhere. Hard pass.

Howl (I) (2015)

A stinker we've all seen a hundred times

[1/10 · 21 July 2023]

Hey, let's make a movie like Shawn of the Dead only instead of zombies it will be werewolves! Great idea! And instead of a pub it will be a train and everybody is a sitting duck. Great idea! What else? I dunno, that's all I got. Well, let's see. How about the passengers on the train all turn against each other, you know, like in the Lord of the Flies? Great idea! And at the end we'll play music just like 28 Days later. Great idea! What else? How about instead of being normal werewolves they'll be weird mutant-looking things like in Feast? Great idea! And the people we hate the most will get the most gruesome deaths and the hot chick will be the only one to survive. Even better idea! What else? That's it! Let's write it up! Hollywood here we come.

Come Play (2020)

When is a horror movie not a horror movie?

[1/10 · 15 July 2023]

SPOILERS. Don't read this before watching if you have any intention of watching this silly film.

I almost turned it off after five minutes. Those stretchy, sticky, plastic slap toys don't make anywhere near that much noise. If you hide under a sheet with a flashlight on, the boogie man will know exactly where you are. There isn't a human alive that didn't roll their eyes at the babysitter's massive bosom. It's like the director is sitting too close to you winking and elbowing you going, "This one's for the dads. Am-I-Right?!" Shoot-me-in-the-face level stupid stuff that only gets worse.

The movie's supernatural physics are interesting but the storytelling is a hammer over the head. Then it starts breaking its own rules. It plays out in an obvious manner dragging on, reluctantly putting one heavy foot in front of the other so it doesn't give away the limited meat and potatoes it has cooked up for you.

Lastly, just to be clear, this is not juvenile storytelling, custom made for kids. It's naive. Kids this age aren't dumb. "But it's a metaphor!!" you say. That's great! It's a poorly shared, pedantic, obvious metaphor even an 11 year old can see coming a million miles away. You don't have to be an autistic genius or an idiot savant to figure it out. The last 20 minutes has so many stupid moments it becomes an unintentional comedy.

It's a bad mashup of much better movies. The Ring (monster from TV), Jeepers Creepers (a children's song and a monster), Signs (baseball bat hero), Spiderman (secret handshake), Harry Potter (it's not a horror movie, it's a love story). What else?

The ending is forehead-clappingly stupid. Derivative, unoriginal, uninspired. Where's my thesaurus?

But that's me. If you liked the movie versions of Babadook and Where the Wild Things are, you probably liked this. I hated all three.

Alien 3 (1992)

Too much Fincher, Not enough Alien

[4/10 · 8 July 2023]

Turning the whole franchise into a giant rape fantasy was the cheapest direction it could have gone. She should not have arrived at a prison by accident. She should have been sent there by the corporation for making up lies and destroying their property.

They tell her not to mix with the population and immediately without justification she is mixed with the population. The movie has really poor adherence to its own rules. The sound is also awful. You can't make out half of the dialogue without subtitles or the volume turned up ridiculously loud.

If you turned John Carpenter's The Thing into a rape metaphor, this is what you would get. A sad chapter for a third installment in what started out as a great franchise.

The final result is they spent the whole movie trying not to be like Terminator 2 and then gave up and made the ending exactly like Terminator 2. Not only does the final act happen in a refinery but the enemy gets heated up and then frozen and the good guys get lowered into liquid hot magma.

This film should never have happened. It's a trash fire of a franchise sequel that should have turned Ripley, Hicks and Newt into the badass alien-fighting nuclear family they were destined to become. Opportunity missed!

Tales of a Golden Geisha (1990)

From the frying pan into the fire

[1/10 · 16 June 2023]

This is not a comedy. A tale of political corruption interwoven with the story of a woman's search for love, which we assume is to make the politics less insufferable. And yet, the woman's story is so harrowing that it only makes it worse. She is raped by an influential political figure and then screamed at by her boyfriend. Then the very next time we see her with him she is smiling and they're going to live happily ever after? That just doesn't fly right. It's impossible to laugh after what happens on the screen.

Although there is sharp criticism of contemporary Japanese masculinity and patriarchy in this film, which one would think would make it worth viewing. But films that depict rape are automatically downgraded in my opinion because it only glorifies it and presents it as status quo for young male viewers.

Shazam! (2019)

Witless Wonder

[1/10 · 27 May 2023]

It's one thing for a teenage hero to be inexperienced and immature. It's another for them to be a complete babbling moron. The jokes in this are painful but not as bad as how the kid treats everyone around him. The relationship building drama is insufferable.

The crass, borderline jokes are disturbing for what is supposed to be family entertainment. I was embarrassed to watch it the first time but I tried to give it another chance. After watching the disaster of Fury of the Gods I couldn't remember who all the foster kids were and what their individual stories were about. But I realized there wasn't any worthwhile backstory included on the other kids and the foul humor just made me feel ashamed for giving it a second viewing.

Shame on DC for letting this leave the writer's room. And the throwaway usage of classic pop songs is just embarrassing. Lastly, stop copying Marvel endings! Come up with your own.

Ancient Apocalypse (2022)

Can't look away from this train wreck

[1/10 · 4 May 2023]

He makes a fascinating case in his attack on archaeology as a grand conspiracy to cover up obvious signs of an ancient global technological aristocracy. But of course it's pure fantasy.

Like a child in a candy store he is trying to imagine how they came up with so many different kinds of treats. It's bonkers unfounded gibberish but unfortunately still fascinating to watch.

The sad part is how many people might think it's real. Half the examples he uses are proven to not be what he claims they are. The other half are ridiculous conjecture that wouldn't hold up under the slightest scrutiny.

This "documentary" is proof we need a lot more historically accurate shows explaining from scratch what these amazing relics really are. I would watch a show that dismantles the hocus pocus approach of this one.

Wheels on Meals (1984)

Not a family friendly movie

[1/10 · 21 March 2023]

This is not one for the kids! Lots of shameless dialogue and vying to catch the favor of the girl in question. Pretending not to be drinking only to be obviously drinking for the purpose of getting completely hammered. The story is a mishmash of juvenile tendencies and bad language. The English language dub is pretty foul. The subtitled version might be preferable.

The fight scenes between Jackie Chan and Benny Urquidez are great. But they're short and Benny's demise isn't very appealing. I wish his character had a more memorable ending. It's worth it alone to watch the last battle. But holy smokes this movie is hard to recommend and I can't say I'd sit through it again.

The alternate versions section of IMDb says there are two subtitled versions, one with an original music score. If I could find that I might watch it again.

Murder, She Wrote: Steal Me a Story (1987) Season 4, Episode 8

Most unpleasant episode so far

[1/10 · 10 March 2023]

I was looking forward to seeing Yaphet Kotto in this episode but the misogyny (not him) and blatant male chauvinism of several characters is so bad it was barely watchable. Including a not so subtle rape joke. I wish they could have dialed the women-hating part back about 90%. Symbolism is plenty in previous episodes without imparting a visceral experience to viewers. This is supposed to be entertaining, not something we come out of with PTSD. I love Jessica and her friends back in Cabot Cove. I would like to spend more time there defending good people rather than sorting through the worst of the worst. This was terrible.