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Reviews
August Rush (2007)
Even casual musicians will be insulted
There has never been and can never be a musical genius with even a fraction of the main character's talent. Mozart would be an absolute imbecile compared to this little kid August Rush, and for those familiar with music, this aspect (the foundation, really) just kills the movie.
It is impossible to play like Michael Hedges in your first few minutes with a guitar. Ditto with a piano, and any other instrument. If it were a martial arts movie, the kid would beat his master to death two minutes into his very first lesson. Too impossible, even for a fairy tale.
But, if you don't know a saxophone from a sitar, or perhaps if you are _infinitely_ forgiving, maybe you can enjoy it.
Ellen DeGeneres: Here and Now (2003)
Did We Watch the Same Movie?
In sharp contrast to most reviews here, the "Ellen DeGeneres: Here and Now" disc that I rented was marginally funny at best. While Ellen's general style is right in the vein of good comedy, her observations in this performance just lack an edge... maybe an absurdity or exaggeration that makes all the difference between you or me talking about, say, airport security shenanigans and a professional comedian addressing the same subject. This was no funnier than discussing the same topics with regular people--a few good laughs, but that's about it. Oftentimes she'd make an observation and I would wait expectantly for the joke that puts it in hilarious perspective, only to find her moving along to the next lukewarm observation. Hopefully her other material is of better caliber.
As a health warning, if you thought this DVD was truly hilarious, you may want to stay away from comics like Bill Hicks, Eddie Izzard, Richard Pryor, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Mitch Hedburg or countless others who might be funny enough to actually kill you.
DumbLand (2002)
A surprising waste of time
Lynch. The man has some really great stuff! He knows how to disturb us, then reward us by getting us think in different ways. This, however, is altogether different. Dumbland's reward is 1% absurd comedy, earned by enduring 99% stupidity. I may have laughed once, but somewhere around episode 4 I just started watching on fast-forward. Didn't miss a thing. I felt relieved when it ended, and that's part of the point with this series. It's an annoying series about annoying characters in annoying situations, rounded out with annoying animation, voices and sound. But recognizing this and its other absurdist qualities still fails to make Dumbland worthwhile.
Lawless Heart (2001)
Nice but too slow, and a great soundtrack
This is one of those slice-o'-life films like Magnolia that weaves together multiple story lines and characters. Lawless Heart throws in some time line shenanigans, too. I'm not exactly sure why this was done, though, except for a couple of decent jokes. Jumping around the chronology of the story does pose some questions about the story, and later answers them, but they are mostly very minor points, leaving me wondering if a straight time line would have been better. The music is great, especially for a drama centered on people's emotions. My principal complaint is that it... is... just... too... darn... slow. I could have sworn that at least 2.5 hours went by while watching this movie, and was shocked afterward to see the DVD sleeve claiming a 90-minute duration. Also, character Nick was far too much of a pushover to be believable.
The Grudge (2004)
just not that good
Some feel that Yankees can't say bad things about this movie because it's Japanese. But it's a remake done especially for Yanks, so the cultural argument doesn't hold much water. It doesn't take long to figure out most of what ends up being called the plot. The only scary parts are the cheap tricks to force you into feeling scared... The sudden, strange visual accompanied by a crescendo of music and/or sound effects... In my view there's a wide gulf between the frightening and the startling, and true horror movies focus on the former. Think of The Shining... that's scary in concept and execution. The Grudge just isn't truly frightening, and since it's meant to be a horror film, it therefore just isn't very good.
Havoc (2005)
awful dialog
I simply cannot believe that ANY rich white high school kids actually talk like that. They would surely be the laughing stock of any high school (or maybe I'm just extremely out of touch). This is a tired, cliché-driven movie with limited eye candy (hot Anne Hathaway and her lesser-babe friends) as its sole reward. Hathaway and her female cast mates do an OK job portraying vapid tramps but their boyfriend characters are completely over the top. Most of the girls' dialog is a little stupid, but the boys, the way they dress, talk and act makes them total caricatures. Most of the writing is so bad you really can't blame the actors for looking so silly. But there are plenty of opportunities to laugh at the movie...
V for Vendetta (2005)
Don't Believe the Cognitive Dissonance BS
This is a GREAT movie.
Seems most of the bad reviews are from Yankee conservatives who take the message of this film as some kind of personal attack. Their negative reactions result from their own personal insecurities and the cognitive dissonance that defines their political disposition. Please, there is but faint allusion to current political situations in the US (a couple of frames with a protest sign bearing the name of Bush) and the rest is immutable theory about the oppression of any government overstepping its bounds. Look at the ratings here and you'll see that nearly HALF have given it a 10. The folks at the other end of the spectrum are merely attempting to rationalize something much more personal than this film.
And Natalie's accent is just fine. A Brit friend vetted it as quite convincing and it caused me, a yank, no trouble whatsoever. I find it funny that a reviewer from, for example, Romania would criticize her accent. Give me a breakenstein.
Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Price (2005)
Great information, good message, decent package
This documentary is full of primary source material such as interviews with former Wal-Mart store managers telling stories they experienced first-hand. I was very glad they included a look at the workers in China and Bangladesh, but feel they could have done more to expose their poor treatment and how it translates into low prices for Wal-Mart customers. But then, the movie could likely have been three times as long if they delved deeper into any of a number of aspects. The background music at times was about as loud as the people speaking, making it very difficult to follow. There is sure to be a backlash against this movie from the "why must you pick on poor Wal-Mart" crowd and the "I was never given a job by a poor man" crowd... not to mention the regular Wal-Mart shopper who doesn't want to hear about how s/he is in essence supporting slavery. When workers are locked into very crowded, wholly substandard "housing" after their very long workdays and beaten regularly, that is modern-day slavery.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996)
One of the Funniest Films of All Time
MST3k the Movie is in my "Top Two" of comedies, along with South Park the Movie, if that tells you anything.
It's so freaking funny I bought a copy of the out-of-print DVD on eBay for about $100 US.
WORTH EVERY PENNY
You needn't be a follower of the TV series, as there's no real story other than that of the cheesy 50s sci-fi film the characters are forced to watch that they mercilessly ridicule.
The "story" of Mike and his home-made "robots" being held captive on a "satellite" by "insane" Dr. Forrester (presumably on Earth) is mainly just a silly side show, as in the MST3k TV series.
Dr. Forrester's overacting gets a little old, but his bits are pretty short and the rest of the movie makes up for it with ease.
Camera (2000)
A Very Long 80 Minutes
When you were in high school or college you may have gotten hold of a video camera and made a movie with your friends. This is that very same movie, except all your friends are now Hollywood stars of varying degrees of fame and you, the director, are a sleazy paparazzi guy who knows a few people who know a few people.
For starters, the premise is ludicrous--Rich Hollywood stars go to a pawn shop to buy expensive digital movie cameras, presumably much poorer wannabe stars buy the same camera at the same pawn shop to make basic video missives, and at least one wealthy guy is dumb enough to buy five of these $3000+ cameras just for home "security" use. Many of the stars seem to be begrudgingly participating, and others seem genuinely annoyed. A scene with Carol Alt is kind of "good" in that you really start to wonder if this is some underground homemade movie from a creepy guy with zero class or social skills.
Jack Nicholson's cameo is taken from what appears to be a real wedding, and while he is pleasant and accommodating, the scene adds to the suspicion that the film is merely the product of an aggressive opportunist orbiting the periphery of Hollywood.
Everything on the cutting room floor was swept up and placed into the extra features. This includes an endless number of takes from Eha Ursalu's "video breakup" scene and a cheesy 80s short film that produces nary a chuckle.
Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure (2003)
Only See for Sung Hi Lee!!
The only reason to see this film is Sung Hi Lee, the stunning model/actress from Korea who plays "Muka Laka Miki" (give me a break) in this otherwise crappy movie.
She is given a fairly substantial part in this film and seems to handle it well, though none of the parts is really interesting or well written. Even for a National Lampoon's movie, it's really stupid. Stupid humor is one thing, but just stupid is another. I may have laughed once, and that was probably just me being polite.
Warning: Watching this movie may be bad for your health on two counts: 1) It, like, totally sucks. 2) Sung Hi Lee is so freaking gorgeous she just might blow your brains out of the back of your head upon first sight.
So don't say I didn't warn you...
The Girl Next Door (2004)
A Mighty Suspension of Disbelief Buys You Worthwhile Babe Time
Nothing original, with bold swipes from other flicks (e.g. Risky Business), but adequate eye candy for those of that inclination.
Canadian Cuthbert is an original babe and there's a minor yet delicious part for Korean uber-babe Sung Hi Lee, though she suffers from too much makeup in this movie. A few blissful seconds show Sung Hi making out with another (if lesser) babe, American Amanda Swisten. Whoa.
As for the guys, you've got bargain-bin L. DiCaprio in main character Emile Hirsch, bargain-bin W. DaFoe in big porn producer James Remar, and bargain-bin B. Paxton / R. Liotta in small porn producer Timothy Olyphant. Olyphant, by the way, totally steals the show with the only noteworthy character or performance.
Signs (2002)
How much suspension of disbelief can you handle? This movie sucks.
I remember seeing the trailer for "Signs" and thought, "that looks like a totally stupid movie." Months later I saw it and, whaddya know, I was dead on. It's bad enough that it includes as a fundamental story element CROP CIRCLES, the quintessential hoax in which people to this day still choose to believe (despite the original hoaxers' "coming out" years ago). The formulaic threads are nearly sickening. The religious man who, thanks to some tragedy, turns his back on god, but by the end of the movie realizes the "truth" of his restored faith, tying a pretty bow around the tidy happy ending. Basically this movie seems to have been written backwards. It's like M. Night Shamalamadingdong wrote the scene at the end where all these disparate and unexplained pieces come together and make "sense," then threw in a bunch of filler to achieve a feature-length duration.
SPOILER:
And what the heck is up with the water thing? If you were an alien who was like deathly allergic to water, why the bloody blazes would you come to Earth in the first place, and then park your UFO in the middle of a freaking dew-covered corn field?
Wax, or the Discovery of Television Among the Bees (1991)
If you can handle abstract art, you may like "Wax"
Not unlike an acid trip, I don't think this film is meant to be clearly "understood" in its entirety. You have to pay attention and give it some thought, like modern symphonic music or abstract painting, but doing so might just reward you with a strong appreciation. It is (a bit dated) psychedelic eye candy and food for thought. It can be rather depressing, or if taken lightly, can be quite comical. I found myself dumbfounded, asking the screen "WHAT?!" several times, but it was a good kind of "what?" because it's so off the wall. If you discount anything mind-bending or mentally challenging as boring or stupid, if your idea of great film-making is "Signs" or "True Lies," don't bother with "Wax."
Bare Witness (2002)
Bottom of the Baldwin Barrel
Angie Everhart... Personally, I love her looks, accept her acting, and don't expect much from her films. This one, however, is pretty bad. Daniel Baldwin (of whom I'd never heard) is a HORRIBLE actor. He becomes this caricature of a man to whom this goddess of a woman is somehow attracted. Their love scene lacks credibility, to be polite. Showcasing beautiful Angie, it also blatantly tries to hide blubbery Daniel, this bargain-bin Baldwin. If you saw a graceful swan trying to make love to a bloated buzzard corpse, you'd find it hard to believe your eyes.
Rent "Sexual Predator" instead, though it has the same problem with her troll of a boyfriend. But there's muuuuch more Angie...
Star Trek: Nemesis (2002)
Cheese Improves with Age [{()}]
I'm not really a Trek fan, like FAN, and I knew nothing about this movie going into it. So maybe there's some intricate trekkie subtext that I missed.
This movie was good for a laugh. Many. But few of them intended. The Striker/Troy romance was about as passionate as your average drive-thru cashier. The story of Mini-Picard, if you will, is the same old "white man makes nice in the ghetto" thing. Ruling the poor whatchacallems who can't rule themselves. Puhleeze. And Data, oh, Data, we will miss you. Well, at least we have you, Dumb-Data. <Wah-wah> Seemed to me that the sole, thinly-veiled purpose of this movie was to just go through the motions for the paycheck.
But if you enjoy doing your own Mystery Science Theater 3000 thing with bad movies, this one's a real treat. In ten, twenty years, after the cheese has had time to mature, it will be an MST3k gold mine.
So stay on the cutting edge of proto-vintage cheese and go see this movie!!
Versus (2000)
This film has its own Jar Jar Binks (micro-spoilers)
_Versus_ is largely entertaining if you're in an accepting or apathetic mood. It is action-packed, but sparsely involving, long on influence and lean on innovation. There's a lot of "o-KAY, we get it" moments, so the film is too long in total duration and in its exposition on individual elements. So this guy screams a lot. So they're the bad guys. So he's the REALLY bad guy. And the character played by Kenji Matsuda, Model/Yakuza #2 I guess, is easily as bad as Jar Jar in Episode I. He's always sticking his tongue out and making noises and gesturing like the Gangster Fairy or something. The dude is hard to take, and he's in it for the long haul, which for _Versus_ is no small journey, especially with this guy gnawing on your senses the whole time. So... scratch that, it's only marginally entertaining. 6/10
A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)
See it because you kinda have to, but it kinda sucks.
While I won't say that this movie is total crap, I will describe it, at least in comparison to its overwhelming potential, as a total failure. You can't fairly criticize Spielberg because it's really a Kubrick film, but then you can't really criticize Stanley for it, because what we get to watch isn't really his, either. When you throw as much money at a film as Spielberg, it would be difficult to make it NOT look really nice. I would have thought SS would have had enough respect for SK that he would have tamed his own apparently uncontrollable desire to coat everything in a thick layer of cheesy corny sap (or was that corny sappy cheese?), at least for this one film, seeing as how it is such an honor to have The Master ask you to take his baby of 15+ years off his hands. Kubrick could have scared the hell out of us and left us haunted by countless horrific images and provocative concepts to chew on, stuff to discuss with your friends afterwards to gain a better understanding of the movie you just saw. Instead you end up out in front of the theatre in a bitch session with everyone shaking their heads, commenting about Stanley doing all kinds of gymnastics in his grave, and deciding to (or reaffirming their decision to) never have kids for themselves. AI could have been a movie truly epic in proportion, concept, scope, et cetera, but SS instead gives us a nice-looking but shallow trip that is only epic in its running time. The potential exploration of such interesting, adult concepts is also wasted on its decidedly Spielbergian PG-13 rating. I guess Steven just can't handle the idea of five-year-olds staying at home for this one, or not understanding every bit of dialogue, so he just dumbs-down everything, driving everyone else up the wall. Imagine watching "Star Wars, Episode I: The Phantom Menace" with everything but Jar-Jar and little Anakin cut out. That is nearly the hell you have in store for you if you see AI.
In short, poor Stanley. Poor, poor Stanley...