twetestxbox Reviews

Allied (2016)

Melodramatic boredom

[3/10 · 1 April 2024]

Allied takes a half decent premise and submerges it under laboured melodrama that snuffs out all tension and intrigue and replaces it with a badly acted and ponderously staged story of doomed loved.

Nothing about Allied is pleasant to watch, from stilted performances and mediocre (and infrequent) action to one-dimensional characters and ugly special effects. Brad Pitt's miscasting in the central role is apparent in his totally lacklustre commitment to playing the man whose wife may or may not be a German spy. Marion Cotillard does OK with the limited scope she's given after the opening third but she never really sells the idea she's madly in love with Pitt and once it's clear to anyone with half a brain that she's under suspicion her actions just don't make any sense.

Wartime London looks utterly bland, totally failing to evoke any sort of historical feel. The direction plods, the music grates, everything is conducted in a strange monotone and then it just ends. There are hundreds of superior wartime espionage movies that demand your attention more than this dreary vanity project.

True Detective: Night Country: Part 6 (2024) Season 4, Episode 6

The absolute worst

[1/10 · 19 February 2024]

If season 4 of True Detective isn't the benchmark for pure genre awfulness for years to come, TV will surely be dead. This is pitiful. This is painful. How dare this garbage carry the True Detective name with a straight face?

I strongly advise people to watch it so they can understand how to not make TV. There's a kernel of an idea that should have worked but it's buried deep beneath pretentious storytelling, one-note acting, useless direction, and a plot that goes nowhere and delivers nothing satisfying. Jodie Foster, once a dependable source of quality acting, is horribly miscast and blunders her way through this horrific mess with a twitchy anxiousness that's virtually unwatchable. She at least can express emotion, unlike every other actor who turned up on set for this horror show.

The silly mysticism mixed with half-baked messages on environmentalism, corporate greed, race, gender, police corruption and mental health suffocates the entire production. True Detective season 4 achieves I only one thing... it manages the highly unusual feat of not containing a single redeeming feature.

Based on a True Story (2023– )

Very entertaining

[8/10 · 13 January 2024]

I'm surprised at some of the negative reviews on here that border on the unhinged. Based on a True Story is a lot of fun and often very funny, helped hugely by its pacing across eight 30min episodes.

To be clear, this is not some sort of rip-off or pale imitation of Only Murders in the Building, which is a totally different type of show and which sits firmly in the whodunnit genre. Based on a True Story is just a dark comedy about desperate people and the American obsession with murder that's been given a revamp thanks to the podcast and streaming industry.

Sure, Kaley Cuoco once again plays Kaley Cuoco proving she has the acting range of a goldfish - but she's watchable, as is most of the cast. And I do agree with others who have pointed out that the frequent dream sequences are both pointless and annoying.

Definitely worth a binge watch and I hope there's more to come because this series felt more like a scene setter than the beginning, middle and end.

A Murder at the End of the World (2023)

Not nearly as clever as it thinks it is

[4/10 · 21 December 2023]

One of the key ingredients in a good whodunnit is a great revelation... a finale that makes sense and yet remains elusive until the end. Unfortunately, the identity of the killer and the motive are so obvious by the end of episode 2, the remaining 5 episodes become a chore after a pretty satisfying setup.

A second important factor in the genre is the crafting of interesting characters upon whom suspicion falls and wains, and who the viewer is able to profile and understand. Most of the assembled guests trapped in an icy secluded hotel/bunker with an unseen killer are both paper thin and crashingly uninteresting. Craig Owen plays the unhinged mega-rich tech entrepreneur with some assuredness, but he's let down by almost everyone around him. The main protagonist Darby, played by Emma Corrin, is watchable but the entire show is bogged down by her backstory, which begins very interestingly but becomes ponderous, repetitive, and mostly pointless.

Ultimately, A Murder at the End of the World is boring because its denouement is so obvious, and its characters so forgettable. It thinks its social commentary is compelling and clever when it's mostly pretty basic and clichéd. As a 2hr film with all the fat trimmed it would probably have worked pretty well. As a seven-episode show it's bloated, dull and smug.

Little Dixie (2023)

Didn't know it was possible to make Frank Grillo unlikeable

[3/10 · 18 November 2023]

Somewhere in this low-budget actioner is the kernel of a decent story. But it's buried deep and is suffocated by some bizarre direction and absurd writing choices.

There are plenty of films about killers and plenty about revenge or the need to do something at all costs to protect someone or something they care about, but all the best ones at least make an effort to portray the lead with some sort of redeeming feature. Frank Grillo, usually so watchable, is essentially just an amoral dirtbag. The moment he kills policemen and it's clear that he'll murder any innocent bystanders - which he does frequently - any reason to root for this guy is gone. He doesn't kill innocents because he's trying to save his daughter, he kills because he's a killer. But there's no real backstory about why he became this way so he just seems like a sadistic prick.

This guy even ends up turning his own daughter into a killer, and it's made clear by his ex-wife he's a terrible dad anyway.

There are some genuinely good performances in Little Dixie (a title that even when you understand why it's called that still makes little sense), which raises it marginally above other budget genre films like this. There's an attempt to add some quirk and coolness in places, that usually falls flat but a couple of times works extremely well. But it's still a bit derivative, like a film student who's been given a project to make an homage to a film that's an ode to Tarantino; it's two steps removed.

The corrupt politician unwittingly - or perhaps with plausible deniability - being in bed with a cartel that he decides to pursue too hard could have been something appealing, but it really serves no purpose other than to create a weird kidnap scenario and motivation for a lot of rather unimaginative killing.

Probably worth skipping. Must do better.

The Killer (2023)

Pretentious and boring

[2/10 · 13 November 2023]

The most striking thing about The Killer is how many words it uses from the narrator (the ever-charmless Michael Fassbender) to say absolutely nothing of any value or insight. There is no way to feel any sort of connection with the main character, who rather unimaginatively (and unoriginally) uses classic TV characters as aliases, because there is nothing to connect with, other than his endless, boring, self-analytical musings.

The Killer is broadly a revenge story... possibly. Although we're asked to understand his motivation without having any knowledge of his relationship to the person he's attempting to avenge. A very flat and hopelessly unbelievable fight scene is the only real hint of action in a surprisingly monotone production. There's a pointless cameo from Tilda Swindon (a perfect charm vacuum companion for Fassbender) before a totally unsatisfying and mystifying finale that makes you wonder why on earth you've sat through the preceding 100 minutes.

Why was this film made, apart from giving film students something they can drone on about having a "deeper meaning"? I feel stupider for having watched it.

All the Light We Cannot See (2023– )

A melodramatic misfire

[2/10 · 13 November 2023]

If chocolate box melodramas are your bag then this might be for you. Everyone else should probably give this soppy nonsense a miss. It's riddled with lazy historical inaccuracies (the opening bombing scene is a notable one), rather weak performances, and plain bad direction - and the whole thing is filmed in this weird, soft-focus soap opera way.

I've not read the book, so I don't come to the show with any of those expectations and I can't say if it's a good adaptation. But I'm certainly not tempted to go and read it based on watching the show.

But I do know what makes good TV, and this is definitely not that.

Bodies (2023)

Perfect for fans of Dark and The Devil's Hour

[9/10 · 20 October 2023]

Time travel. Hmm. It's so tough to pull off - the key is to make it entertaining, fill it with quality acting and writing, and just do enough to make it believable to you don't end up trying to figure out the science or poke holes in paradoxes.

Bodies is about as good as anything there is in the time travel sub-genre of science-fiction. If you liked shows such as Dark or The Devil's Hour, or loved Predestination or any of the smarter time travel stories around then you'll be very happy with this surprising gem. It's tense, atmospheric, genuinely original and wholly unpredictable.

The historical periods depicted are done so in a rich and convincing manner, particularly the 1890s. The modern-day cops are entirely believable, and the depiction of the future - always the trickiest to sell - kinda works too. After watching a seemingly endless run of TV shows with immensely dislikable characters, it's refreshing to have protagonists to root for - especially the antihero DS Whiteman played by the exceptional Jacob Fortune-Lloyd.

Among the sea of dross being pumped out by Netflix and Disney+ in particular, Bodies really stands out.

Ahsoka (2023– )

Inept

[1/10 · 5 October 2023]

The idea that this threadbare plot could be stretched out over an eight-episode series when there's barely enough going on to justify a feature film was a mistake from the very start. Over the entire run of this total bore-fest the gaping holes in the plot, the lacklustre scripting, poorly crafted characters, one-dimensional acting and surprisingly dull visuals are impossible to ignore.

It feels like the entire thing was conceived on the back of a napkin, which was just enough to secure funding and resources from a moribund company desperate for content for its ailing streaming service and hoping to ride out a storm from both its horrendous box office fortunes and the diminishing returns of franchises it has ground into the dirt. Problem is no one presumably bothered to write more than that single sentence before everyone turned up to make the thing on day one of the shoot.

The story has no rhyme or reason, and features the most illogical plot ever devised. Nothing makes sense, and only the endless and painfully dull shots of people walking and standing around not doing much are left to fill out the necessary hours required for an eight-show commission.

This is pantomime. No, it's not even that good because this is not even entertaining. Ahsoka is so ineptly made and asks so little from its characters - and the audience - that it turns everything cool about Star Wars and science-fiction into a mundane snoozefest. And come on, zombie stormtroopers?? Are you you kidding me with this? And what is with the weird vfx and the awful fight choreography (apart, notably, for the efforts of the late Ray Stephenson and Diana Lee Inosanto - and her stunt/action double)?

If indeed the whole point of this epic fail was to provide a bridge to some prequel nonsense then the future of this franchise does not look promising. Even the parts injected into this farce that were designed as fanboy service fall hopelessly flat. Do yourself a favour and avoid this garbage. Watch Andor again instead.

Where the Crawdads Sing (2022)

A total misfire

[4/10 · 11 March 2023]

I think most of the people who've left gushingly positive reviews watched a different film to me.

Where the Crawdads Sing is a serviceable adaptation of the book, but one that sacrifices entirely a well-paced courtroom drama and mystery narrative for overblown melodrama and saccharine navel-gazing.

The narrative is painfully uneven, with sometimes tortuously long and pointless flashbacks overwhelming the meat of what would have made the film engaging - courtroom drama and community friction. Instead, Kya is treated on screen and through endless voiceover exactly as she is by her peers - an outsider, a curiosity and an enigma - rather than as a sympathetic and relatable protagonist.

There is no real drama; no doubt as to the outcome of the trial or the ultimate truth. The stakes seem oddly low mostly because of the lack of any real friction from the courtroom action, and the very bland and one-sided flashbacks. The decision of handing the directing reigns to a feature film novice is baffling, and her inexperience plays out in every shot that's designed to celebrate the beauty that binds Kya to her surroundings but ends up stirring no emotion by failing to dive any deeper than the reeds. And it's mirrored by her portrayal of the characters who all feel nothing more than vague impressions and caricatures. It's ironic that Kya's drawings should have more life in them than any of the people on screen.

Overall, a misfire on almost every level and a wasted opportunity.

The Pale Blue Eye (2022)

A missed opportunity

[5/10 · 31 January 2023]

A great premise and fine acting can't save The Pale Blue Eye from a poor script and flat direction, consigning it to the "missed opportunity" category.

Christian Bale's surprisingly subtle and nuanced performance is the highlight of the film, but even he can't save the film from a laughably silly and predictable plot, and a ludicrous finale. Nothing about this works as a compelling murder mystery, historical thriller or an Edgar Allen Poe origin story. In fact, the Poe element is largely a red herring - a needlessly incorporated narrative that only serves as a distraction. And while Harry Melling is decent enough as the young Poe, he doesn't evoke much in the way of empathy.

Ultimately it's just not particularly interesting on any level, with any coherent storytelling ruined by uninspiring and oddly paced direction. There's never a flow to the investigation, no clues that excite or engage the viewer, and no real mystery given the rather limited suspect pool. Everything on show is drab and dull when it should be moody and unsettling, making it a tough watch and making the film seem much longer than it is.

Overall, the plot would have been served far better with Poe at its heart, and a far more gothic aesthetic to suit the glorious writer's legacy.

All Quiet on the Western Front (2022)

Under-par and over-hyped

[5/10 · 28 January 2023]

Filmmakers have largely forgotten how to make decent war movies, and audiences and critics alike seem to have forgotten what makes a good war movie.

The recent trend of popular war movies such as this and 1917 applaud realism over all else. The ability for a director to accurately portray combat is all that seems to matter, trumping the basic art of storytelling and the crafting of believable, complex and human characters. Just as with 1917, the protagonists in this latest version of All Quiet on the Western Front lack any depth. Perhaps the intention here is to mirror the way that the generals of the Great War saw their men as nothing but means to an end. But the horror of war is not best portrayed by the combat itself, but the experiences of relatable people and the way it affects them. We all know war is hell - we see it on the daily news. But to truly feel it's impact we have to identify not with a people but with a person.

All Quiet is murky and miserable, with no real moments of genuine respite that would help contrast to and enrich the action. It's exhausting and it's almost cliched. That's not to take away from the technical achievements in direction, sound and cinematography - but all of these would have been served better with a more human film with richer characters.

Previous film versions of the book - as well as the book itself - along with with countless other war films show the madness of war far more effectively. Paths of Glory, La Grande Illusion and Gallipoli are all far superior examples of films about the Great War.

1917 (2019)

Staggeringly overrated

[5/10 · 26 January 2023]

The central problem of 1917 is that it's single-take format gimmick is highly distracting, taking away from what could and should have been a moving and exciting war story.

I'm not debating the technical brilliance at play, nor the realism of combat (although there is surprisingly little of the latter). Storytelling must come first, especially in conveying the true horror of war. And 1917 falls well short of the mark here, with neither of the main characters (especially the rather irritating Dean-Charles Chapman) putting in a gripping enough performance.

There are much more affecting war films out there, and far better films about the Great War that truly show the madness of the conflict because they put the soldiers - and not the filmmaker - at the heart of the story.

Bullet Train (2022)

A film for idiots

[2/10 · 22 January 2023]

Every now and then, a film will come along with hype, swagger and a quirky-cool cast of trendy B-listers paired with a smattering of A-list actors desperate to be relevant.

Bullet Train is a film that desperately wants to be cool, and believes the only way to do it is to steal every single idea it can from Quentin Tarantino and Guy Ritchie, stick it in a blender with neon, comic violence and samurai swords and hope for the best.

This heap of garbage has no charm, no soul and no idea. It's a mess of horrible visuals, terrible performances and mind-numbing dialogue. The Tangerine and Lemon characters represent the absolute worse of what film students think is clever - perhaps the most dislikable duo in cinematic history, whose every screen moment is an ugly stain on a strip of celluloid. And come on, Brad Pitt... your twitchy, loveable rogue shtick was boring five minutes after 12 Monkeys came out.

There is nothing to redeem this tortuous and predictable nonsense. It's been made for people with the absolute lowest level of intelligence think TikTok is the pinnacle of human achievement.

Copenhagen Cowboy (2022–2023)

Captivating, refreshing... but hard to recommend

[8/10 · 6 January 2023]

It's great, and rare, to be presented with a TV show that leaves you wondering for hours and days afterwards if it's any good. This is something to be cherished, especially in an entertainment world chock full of formulaic drabness built on algorithms, fan service and commercialism.

Copenhagen Cowboy (a terrible title to be fair), even more than Refn's divisive Only God Forgives, is a death dream with a very loose narrative woven together with a smorgasbord of ideas and styles inspired by the mysticism and folklore from multiple cultures. It's a dizzying and head-scratching six episodes to which it's pointless to try to ascribe too much plot or even thematic analysis. Some will argue that there's just not enough going on to justify any sort of runtime longer than 90mins but the fact is that anyone who hates this is a series would hate it just as much as a movie.

It's at points breathtaking to behold, and utterly infuriating at others. The reliance on specific shots - static camera, 360-degree pans, slow zoom - is highly effective at points and annoying at others - but everything is calculated to build maximum tension and suspense, and serves to really bring the few scenes that aren't filmed in this way to the viewer's attention as being significant.

The technical brilliance in the direction, cinematography and score can't really be denied, even if it's not to your taste. Every actor is riveting, especially Angela Bundalovic who as the enigmatic Miu delivers a movingly minimalistic, affecting, and extraordinarily physical performance in spite of her diminutive size.

Love it or hate it, Copenhagen Cowboy is an experience. It's not style over substance - the substance is by and large the style itself, so if the style isn't for you then you'll certainly find yourself at sea. In coming to a conclusion of whether I liked it or not, I realised I could only think of a couple of people I'd recommend it to. And because those people are my favourite people who I trust the most, I figure it's something I definitely liked and enjoyed. Go make your own mind up...

One Shot (III) (2021)

Surprisingly good

[7/10 · 30 September 2022]

Just a really exciting action film that's markedly better than average, and significantly superior than its Metacritic rating might suggest. You can pick holes in the plot, dialogue and some of the acting but it really doesn't matter because this is a visceral and genuinely thrilling action film. It also manages to use the one-take technique to enhance the immediacy of the action rather than being a pointless bit of showy direction that ends up being distracting and annoying, as it was in 1917. James Nunn deserves a lot of credit for pulling this off in such an understated way, and for investing you in characters that have almost zero backstory of depth, but who you genuinely don't know will make it.

Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers (2022)

For adults and kids alike

[9/10 · 21 May 2022]

Perfect fan service for those of us who loved the original series, a very clever and funny script, and some awesome vocal performances. And the kids will love it, too! A surprising gem.

Raised by Wolves (2020–2022)

No exaggeration, this is the worst TV show ever made

[1/10 · 11 December 2020]

The only show I have ever deliberately watched all the way through to make absolutely certain it was the worse thing I have ever seen. I can't quite comprehend what I've just seen but I implore you, please don't think that you don't like it because you don't "get it"; there's nothing to get. Please don't kid yourself this is intelligent science fiction or art; it's a pretentious film student's rambling mess of ideas. And don't applaud the creative vision; it's unattractive and drab, and the script is not even laughably inept.

Raised By Wolves has no redeeming qualities at all, not a single one. In a year of global pandemic and social chaos, THIS is 2020's absolute low point. The new benchmark for terrible TV. Take to the streets, right a strongly worded letter to your MP, but most of all don't watch it - if this comes back for another season because it's deemed to be "entertaining" then I fear the doom of humanity and the precursor to apocalypse.

Star Trek: Discovery: The Sanctuary (2020) Season 3, Episode 8

Bad to worse

[1/10 · 4 December 2020]

Cringeworthy acting, atrocious dialogue, a mess of a plot and ultimately it's just really boring. Everything is awkward and disjointed, and the lack of consistent tone and any feeling of emotional investment in the cast is taking its toll on a show I used to thoroughly enjoy.