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Reviews
eXistenZ (1999)
Just About the Worst Film Ever
When I saw the famous "Thumbs up" from the famed Ebert, I expected to be presented with something that resembled a film. Unfortunately, I was given a video that was poorly structured, if not completely unstructured from the beginning.
The basic idea behind the plot presents promise, but the execution was fundamentally flawed. I must say that most any high school kid with a camera could have made a more riveting presentation than the one that was thrust upon me via this film.
Plot circles and confusion was the most prominent element of the show which didn't leave me with a big 'reveal' at the end of the film, but another corner around which nothing substantial could be found.
I'm sorry Robert Lantos, you failed me.
Death Proof (2007)
Almost a Complete Waste of Time
Sure there's something to be said for some amount of realism, but if I felt like hanging out with a bunch of chicks and hear about their lives, I would have gone back to high school, which, most would agree, was a profoundly mundane experience.
There was a total of 5 or 10 minutes of actual enjoyable footage entangled in an abyss of abominable story. By the way, I believe there was no really discernible story here to tell, except that of revenge, which isn't even presented well.
I loved the editing technique and feel, but the lack of story arc ruined this film for me.
"Planet Terror" rescued this pathetic film from complete oblivion.
The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Quite a let down, if you ask me
Let me start by saying that I was a kid who's parents turned off The Simpsons if they ever caught me watching it, because they thought it would teach me by bad example. Now, in my mid 20's, I have been buying up all the seasons as they come out.
This movie, makes me reconsider my parents prejudice towards the show. There is one particular scene that shows the naked genital area of Bart while streaking on his skateboard. That along with half a dozen other distasteful scenes makes me lose interest in all things Simpson. I'll sell the DVDs on some online auction site and ignore the new episodes when they come out.
That is not the only reason I though the film was a waste of 2 hours. The storyline was well thought out, but the scenes just lacked all the traditional Simpson feel that I have come to enjoy.
Where were all the barely-noticeable political and pop-culture quips that are the staple of the show.
Rather than an idiotic scene of Homer and Marge being assisted with their physical relationship by a horde of woodland creatures, why not show a kiss and a fade off? I will give the writers and actors the benefit of saying that there were a small handful of humorous moments. Those moments, however, are a featherweight compared to the proverbial anvil of stench with which this movie wreaked.
Transformers (2007)
That One Darn Scene
On a scale of 1 to 10, I give this movie a 10, with 1 stipulation which I will expound on in just a moment.
The movie was very well written. Orci and Kurtzman have proved themselves time and time again while working with J.J. Abrams. These polished writers were able to mix up enough of the traditional Transformers storyline while putting in a horde of exciting scenes and a driving storyline.
The film making was exceptional. The editing made the movie easily viewable and the extravagant special effects added to the "wow" effect of the whole movie.
Now about that stipulation I was talking about. In one scene, when Witwicky's mother was wondering about his delay in opening up his bedroom door, she asked "Were you masturbating?" I submit that this did nothing but drag the movie down. I am from Utah where Mormonism is the most prominent religion, and they, as well as several other religions, believe that any sexual act before marriage (including masturbation) is strictly forbidden by commandment. Therefore the open discussion of masturbation is as much a taboo as talking about any other sexual act.
Friends of mine were so offended at this mention of masturbation that they got up and left the theater. I cannot blame them. At this juncture in the movie, I was uncomfortable, while holding my wife's hand (having been married nearly 3 years). I quickly looked around the theater to notice that most of the seats were filled with pre-adolescent youth. I sympathize with the parents of all those who took their children to the movie and were confronted with this dilemma.
I'm sure there are millions of people who had no problem with the comment, but I believe IT IS NOT HOLLYWOODS PLACE to teach (or incite a discussion about) the birds and the bees to our youth.
At the video rental store, I got into a discussion with one young mother (about this particular movie scene) who informed me that "I won't be taking my children to see Transformers, now that you've told me that." The movie was great, but I'm not going to buy a copy of the movie until I can find a way to edit that phrase out of the movie.
The Bourne Ultimatum (2007)
The Shaky Screen Blues
There has been a new fad in movies such as Mission Impossible 3, Ocean's 12, and other big hits. Do you know what I'm talking about? I mean the style of filming that makes you think that the film had such a low budget that they couldn't even afford a tripod.
During the close-up scenes the screen wobbles and during the action scenes, the irregular camera motion mixed with the fast editing makes the scene unintelligible.
The only way that someone can capture everything that is going on is by loading up on a dozen Starbucks Venti Crapa-Frapas and sneaking in a couple boxes of Red Bull to keep their brain working as fast as the images that are flying by on screen.
Myself as well as several of my friends and relatives have discussed this filming technique to extreme measures, and we feel that it should be banned for the following reasons: 1: This type of filming induces dizzy spells and vomiting. I do NOT want to have to take a Dramamine before going to the movies: I am there to be entertained, not nauseated.
2: When the movie ends, I wan't to be able to have some sort of grasp of who kicked who's buttocks in this scene or that.
3: Halfway through the movie, when I need to take my regular bathroom break, I would appreciate being able to walk to the bathroom without looking drunk or sick.
and finally 4: It's cheating. The film makers only use the shaky screen because they know that they aren't very good film makers and they are trying to hide all the errors in their film that would be seen if the film were filmed in a traditional fashion.
Well, there you go.
The Bourne Ultimatum had a terrific storyline, acting, editing, and everything, but that shaky screen is a real deal breaker for several of my cousins who said "Now that I know it's a shaky-screen movie" I will wait until it goes to the cheap theater."
Everything You Want (2006)
Why not the big screen?
When I saw this movie, I found myself wondering: Why didn't this ever come out on the big screen. In a world where the only romantic comedies are vulgar and usually disturbing, why can't there be one or two family movies that are fun for adults as well as youth.
I recommend this movie to anyone, men, women, old, young and everything in between. The directing and editing were seamless and the soundtrack was perfectly cued.
I want to urge movie makers everywhere to make more family shows that don't make you fall asleep from boredom, or gasp and cover your children's eyes and ears.