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alphy
Reviews
Prey (2022)
I really wanted to like this :/
I really like "10 Cloverfield Lane" from Trachtenberg so even though I didn't have much hope for this one since the first time I heard about it being made (and the title... sheesh.. really subtle guys...) I thought maybe he could get it at least adequately right. Unfortunately there is nothing here that could give me a reason to like it. All this may come off as substantive but the movie doesn't really merit a serious 'review', so here we go.
First of all, unfortunately it's another one of these 'products of their time'. And so, if - due to rather poor writing and direction - you happen to not be invested in 'April Ludgate's' little drama and hunter complex as she destroys the glass ceiling with her tomahawk, there is nothing really more for you here. The acting is subpar and it goes along with the dialog that would seem a bit childish even 20 years ago or so. No subtlety allowed... No character seems organic. Everyone serves a purpose called 'because I wrote it that way'. No tension to anything what's going on (in supposed thriller). The only good thing this movie did is it made me appreciate P2 more again as it's obviously infeferior to the original for several reasons but it has an undeniable charm to it, makes more sense and it's vastly better 'Predator film' than whatever this new one is. Watch P2 (even if again) instead. This latest one can 'proudly' stand next to AvP and AvP:Requiem :(. I've never watched 'The Predator' and I don't intend to so no comparison here.
IMHO another opportunity wasted :/.
The Gray Man (2022)
Hollywood is tje "Opposite world"
And Russos are the prime example why. Only "on tthe movies" you can be paid so much for being utterly incompetent. To describe what's wrong with this movie would take a thick book AND a waste of additional time. Easier to describe what works - rather nothing. Just don't watch it. Even If you really want something so childish there are toma of decent titles. If you want an action semi-spy movie just watch any of the Bond or Bourne movies. Again. Infinitely better. This is waste of time for anyone who has half a brain and has watched any one movie before. So basically everyone above the age od 10. Awful. Be warned.
Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021)
By comparison makes me like 'Into the Spiderverse' a lot more
Starts ok but basically this movie is like a child that really wants your attention but since it can't get it on merit it settles for making faces, screaming and crying. Stuff happens - that's pretty much it. Attempts at emotional moments are never deserved and feel like grade schooler saw a couple of movies and wanted to replicate some moments from them not understanding the idea. No amount of strings and piano will help with that if there is no proper build-up on all fronts unless you cater strictly to overemotional teenagers that can cry over seeing other person doing it (or trying to sell it anyway). But at this point it's like shooting fish in a barrel. Not much makes sense here, most jokes fall flat and even then they have to be explained. Overall creators don't give their audience too much credit and that's a little sad. Even for a movie that's mainly for kids. There are many better ones in this category. The whole thing is like jiggling keys in front of the baby's face for two hours with no substance. Given all the above I still would like to end on a semi-positive note, that is I guess the 12-year-old me would have probably liked it 'cose back In the day I liked 'TMNT 3' and '3 ninjas'. So if you don't mind watching a whole lot of nothing or can skip some parts or do something else during the movie like going on your phone (I couldn't, had to sit through it) you may even enjoy some parts of it. Probably also helps if you haven't watched any other movies before. If that's a case give it a go. If not, probably watch or do something else. 'There are worse movies out there' however it's hardly the sentence you would want on the cover of your movie.
The Shed (2019)
Stay away
It was just... awful. I don't want to waste another minute on this. Just wanted to warn everyone. And no, it's no "haha bad". Just bad. What did I watch? o.O
The Dead Don't Die (2019)
A nice sum-up I heard and had to agree with...
... "Fine movie for slow-witted people" so they can understand what's going on thanks to the pacing and dialog.
Hell Ride (2008)
Tarantino at his worst
I know he didn't make it, but still... didn't he have anything to say after at least reading the script? It hurts... I've seen worse movies. But this one is still, sorry to say that, BS. So basically the movie is about a guy who rides around the desert and screws chicks. He sometimes shoots someone. That's it, all the BS about the revenge, treasure and so on is just a desperate attempt to pretend this movie actually has a plot. It's so cheesy it's actually annoying. Whatłs more, the movie has one of the worst dialogs I've ever heard. I'm not just saying that. And I watch a lot of B and C movies, co it tells You something (well, to be honest, this movie IS a B movie, no doubt, still... eh). It's so ludicrous it's not even funny anymore. The main character posing as the Ultimate Badass goes with this so far, he actually made me laugh, it was so pathetic. And surprise surprise! The main character is actually played by writer and director of this POS. Again, this tells You something. Oh, and one thing the movie teaches us - the only place in US where all girls are hot and walk butt-naked all day and night long is the desert. This flick is just bad and is dumbing down the viewer. How can anyone think differently after hearing something like "I wonder if he'd like to cut your head off before I kill u."? Bhahah, and that wasn't suppose to be funny :D. This movie actually treats itself very seriously, if one can say that. And that's one of many examples of ludicrous dialog that can be found there. Don't waste your time people, watch something else. If you want to see some naked sluts, go watch "Girls go wild" or something and if You want some senseless violence, just watch the news. This movie is just plain stupid.
AVPR: Aliens vs Predator - Requiem (2007)
Don't watch this, or at least don't pay for it.
Today I saw AvPR. And I saw a man that hand-farted the "Sweet child of mine" by Guns'n Roses. I am not going to exaggerate by saying that hand-farting man was better than the newest Alien/Predator movie. No. I want to be fair. Both things were quite equal. Only the guy was suppose to be funny.
After P. Anderson's AvP I really wanted Fox to finally give up their quest to destroy one of the best franchise in cinema history. It's been obvious to, me for some time, that they don't care for it at all. Why? There are at least 3 answers: Alien: Resurrection, AvP and... AvPR. I know some people would add Alien 3 as well. Among these 3 movies Alien:Resurrection shines as a beautiful star. And I have to say, it was still pretty bad. That being said, it is clear that all the studio wants is to suck the idea/ideas dry, leaving an empty shells of what once was great stories. For them, money is the ONLY thing that counts. After exploiting that, they move on to ruin some more stuff.
That's the only explanation for AvPR being made. The movie was suppose to be better than AvP. Both directors seemed very confident about their work in progress. Fans were being fed the news, trailers, etc. And yeah. One could think: "It HAS TO be better. What can be worse than AvP? Right?"
WRONG!!
Like I said at the beginning. This movie can be easily compared to hand-farting guy. Some things in the movie are better. I mean, SFX for example, but since hand-farting guy movie doesn't have any SFX (excluding the farting), it's not a big deal. Major downer is, that the AvPR is a lot longer, thus making us suffer longer. I have a habit of watching the movies to the end. No matter how bad they are. Becose I want to have a full picture and accidentally don't miss out a great ending or something (hey, it may happen sometimes). This movie is REALLY bad. I know saying this does not have a proper impact, since plenty of people said it already. But they're right. The movie is AWFUL. I hated the first AvP and really was hoping to see something a lot better. Instead, I got pretty much the same thing. Sometimes, even worse. I am not going to name all the things that make this movie suck so much because it's not worth my time. And there are dozens of them, maybe even hundreds. The movie is boring beyond the belief, there is ABSOLUTELY no tension. It's not interesting at all. One cannot care less for what happens next. The script must have been really bad, but the directors pushed it even further. They didn't know what they were doing, unfortunately. For (just one out of MANY) example: someone, please, tell me what the hell is with predator almost always making an entrance with a big thump, jumping from something. It may be OK ONCE. I counted like 6 or 7 times!! I slapped my forehead after the third one (and at least dozen times more throughout the movie). And I didn't believe anyone would lack, not only creativity, but just common sense to do that yet again. But they managed to prove me wrong. They proved me wrong a lot times in this movie, for that matter. AvPR seems like being made by a 10-year-old for 10-year-olds. And I am not exaggerating one bit. This proves that absolutely ANYONE can direct nowadays. Even big studio movies with a certain budget, not home-made videos. Basically everything suffers here. Boring plot (with plenty huge holes in it), awful script, horrendous acting, and last but not least, one of the worst directing. And I'm not just saying that to bust balls. We got a teenage drama (Dawson's Creek, and other similar stuff) poorly mixed with rambo-like feel. No horror or thrill whatsoever. Adding the music or lines from previous films, that was suppose to prey on the impact that they had on the audience, instead of making you feel something positive (that's already been coded into your subconscious by previous movies) it makes you realize that they're butchering the classics before your very eyes. I say that again, because I really mean it. This film seems like it was made by 10-year-olds for 10-year-olds (who may enjoy it, actually). Not trying to offend anyone here, but so it happens, that 10-year-olds usually don't have any taste and seeing some monsters fighting is enough for them to have a major blast.
One can go on and on and on and on about how bad this movie really is and about dozens truly idiotic things in it, but it's a waste of time. I only spent some of mine to write this review, because I want to ask everyone that read it a favor. Please!! For your own good!! Don't watch this movie!! Or at least, DON'T PAY FOR IT! If the profits are the only thing that people responsible for allowing such movie being made understand, than let this movie be a financial disaster, so they think twice before allowing the next garbage like this to be produced. Spread the word.
Paul Anderson, in deed, killed the franchise. And Straus brothers buried it. Deep.