sandcrab722 Reviews

The Love Boat: Aunt Emma, I Love You/Hoopla/The First Romance (1984) Season 7, Episode 17

Harlem Aunt Emma Papa Son Fight Fer Foxy Fem.

[9/10 · 16 April 2022]

Wackeenuts ep. Every minute bizarre bolderdash. It's a rocky road where all the rocks are made of rainbow-flavored hyper-concentrated crazy. Enjoy the bumpy ride :-D.

The Love Boat: The Last Case/Looking for Mr. Wilson/Love on Strike (1983) Season 7, Episode 14

Apricot is not your color.

[3/10 · 15 April 2022]

Less than super. The detective thing is the limp overcooked noodle of storytelling. The ex-girlfriend stalker bit is coarse and abrasive, but charming in spite of itself. Officer grandpa is very unpleasant from all angles. You've seen better.

The Love Boat: Dee Dee's Dilemma/Julie's Blind Date/The Prize Winner (1983) Season 7, Episode 12

I'm Not Going To Blubber

[1/10 · 15 April 2022]

This is one of those tragic episodes that has a wazooful of great acting talent and enough barf-worthy bad writing to sink it deep in irredeemable quagmire.

Watch with the sound off. They all look great :-).

Zero Stars.

The Love Boat: The World's Greatest Kisser/Don't Take My Wife, Please/The Reluctant Father (1983) Season 7, Episode 11

They Wouldn't Call It The Love Boat If...

[5/10 · 14 April 2022]

So much kissing. So much parenting. So much Kirstie Alley being insufferable. No actress does intensely nasty more naturally than her :-D Father Mull K Hee double plus turbo cringe. Bearded guy has adorable costumes and cute entrance music.

The Love Boat: Long Time No See/The Bear Essence/Kisses and Makeup (1983) Season 7, Episode 9

Daddy Issues :-D

[10/10 · 14 April 2022]

This chapter da bomb. It's flawless. There's a bear. And Randi Oaks. There's father-daughter discombobulation :-D Sex bomb desexualizes herself, and dreads :-D.

Smithers alone is 40 Stars. Skip book club. Watch this!

The Love Boat: Friend of the Family/Affair on Demand/Just Another Pretty Face (1983) Season 7, Episode 6

They Don't Make Wives Like They Used To

[10/10 · 14 April 2022]

Magnificently stupid :-D piled on top of a massive plateau of stupidly magnificent :-D Extraordinarily fabulous. Best chapter they ever filmed. It's like being carpet bombed with silly. 96 Stars.

The Love Boat: Fountain of Youth/Bad Luck Cabin/Uncle Daddy (1983) Season 6, Episode 29

Wonderfully Terrible

[9/10 · 13 April 2022]

Elixir of youth :-D Isaac hates the hot chick :-D The cursed cabin :-D More curveballs than 56 innings of intense B-ball.

Some of the best of the worst TV ever. Don't miss it!!!

Baywatch Nights: A Thousand Words (1997) Season 2, Episode 22

frost in random patterns :-D

[1/10 · 11 April 2022]

Nights had some fun and interesting episodes, but the writing kept getting worse and worse 'till it was just a giant poopy green rhino rump :-D.

Did you know that Angie Harmon has a brother named Phillip? He owns a gas station, which is notable only because his petrol pump plays classical music as you tank up. It's called Fill Harmonic.

Don't bother with A Thousand Words. The script is toxic waste :-D Learn about ancient Persian windmills instead.

Baywatch Nights: The Vortex (1997) Season 2, Episode 21

dearth of mirth

[1/10 · 11 April 2022]

Tasked with making it 50% cheaper *and* 50% spookier the result is doze inducing Amazon Indian leap into the future where they watch themselves struggle against hideous lepers or...? IDK!

Incomprehensible. 8 Stars. Lack of lascivious. -12 Stars.

Baywatch Nights: Hot Winds (1997) Season 2, Episode 20

Friend Zone

[1/10 · 10 April 2022]

Sizable knockers lead corpulent character into a haunted breeze with smokin' crevasse. He's had better daze. Slinky brunette detective doesn't like the man's big stick. My best friend almost gets me killed every week. Teague is the kinda pal you can't find in any old hollow tree.

I can't believe they even spent time filming this sewage :-D Repugnant remedial reptilian rendition - Unwatchable :-D.

Baywatch Nights: The Eighth Seal (1997) Season 2, Episode 19

Stephanie Ghost is pretty hot.

[1/10 · 10 April 2022]

Mitch hates taxis. He's not too wild about suicide either. Jenny is not impressed with the nosy old boring Hoffy guy. She makes him a omelet tho'. The teddy bear is Lucifer? Oh, My! Teague has his own kind of buzzword bingo. Telekinesis anyone?

Laugh or cry, there's no way to be indifferent to this cavalcade of kook :-D.

Baywatch: Hot Summer Night (1998) Season 9, Episode 7

A Rain Mint 4 Cabana Boy

[10/10 · 8 April 2022]

At first I thought it's a crapisode. So depressing. Hot chick in a coma. Junior arrested. Brad lyin'. Where's the fun in that? Hoabee's friends don't float. Water vessel a la flapjacks. April pulls dem sinkers up. Babelicious butt so fine, but Junior's butt in the clink. Sehr schwach. 0 Stars.

Then SUDDENLY... Divine Mackerel!!! Zombie Montage!!! Perfection. 30 Stars.

Baywatch Nights: Symbol of Death (1997) Season 2, Episode 18

Shiny blue stone

[2/10 · 6 April 2022]

Knock-off X-files 30 years on the discount rack. Sexy detective beats purse-snatching low-life in a goofy chapeau. Pooky Hook is the hottest woman alive, but she's not in this ep.

They didn't invest much in slinky babe's wardrobe :-D Hey Angie, you got a baggy old sweater at home?

Super peculiar but even more tedious chapter.

V.I.P.: Val Who Cried Wolf (2002) Season 4, Episode 21

Not da bomb. He sucked eggs.

[1/10 · 6 April 2022]

They protect a comedian who's not funny. We're overflowing with not funny here.

If this episode were a woman she'd be named Mildred and she'd wear brown wool skirts n pantyhose.

V.I.P.: Lights, Camera, Val (2000) Season 2, Episode 21

Runaway Dumpster

[9/10 · 6 April 2022]

The gang protects some of the worst weasels. Mighty fine optics, but this is not an eye clinic.

Pam is the Forest Gump of arm wrestling, but not so good at impersonating doctors :-D Watch this ep.

Baywatch Nights: The Servant (1997) Season 2, Episode 17

Dust From A Tomb

[2/10 · 5 April 2022]

"I want you to solve my murder" - "but you're not dead" - confused client? - or confused P. I.?

A super strong bullet-proof mummy is really mean to Willis.

Schmaltzy weenie ending.

So weird. Astonishing even, but I hate it.

Two stars for awesome bald guys in a trance.

V.I.P.: Survi-Val (2000) Season 3, Episode 1

Gold Plated Pacifier

[10/10 · 4 April 2022]

Reality show gets cool footage of tropical violence. VIP acts chilly toward new client, but things heat up fast. Lesbians try to steal Val's robe, but they are caught. Theodore finds an ear. Rod wrestles invisible monster. Gnarly island endangers Tasha's team. Suboptimal. Pamela is perfection incarnate. Don't miss this flawless ep.

V.I.P.: Pen Pal Val (2001) Season 4, Episode 8

Nothing special

[5/10 · 4 April 2022]

Parallel drama fails to enthrall.

Just a bit more mud in the endless wet soil swamp that is Hollywood detective shows. For VIP that's a pretty bad week.

Baywatch Nights: The Cabin (1996) Season 2, Episode 6

Yer Bathtub's Not Big Enough

[2/10 · 4 April 2022]

Horse Calhoun ram pages, and Hoffy-pie successfully dodges flying axes. Tantalizing Lisa Stahl in bubbles. Lesson learned?

If I ever get stuck in a time-travelling brothel I still won't know what to do. This show isn't very educational.

V.I.P.: ExValibur (2000) Season 3, Episode 8

Here Comes My Fairy God Biker

[9/10 · 4 April 2022]

On what planet does a story about inner-city thugs who form a motorcycle gang and have a leader who speaks exclusively like Shakespearean drama make sense? He thinks he's a knight and acts like he fell outta Hamlet. It's soooo wack :-D.

Papa gives Johnny a job, putting him in direct conflict with Shakespeare's 2001 ghetto version of Richard III. They joust! It's like a acid trip :-D Don't watch this alone. If you start to think you're losing your mind you need another human to help you reality check :-D.

Baywatch Nights: Zargtha (1997) Season 2, Episode 16

Doris Morris joined chorus of floris

[1/10 · 4 April 2022]

Ts.

Yugoslav warewolf? Really? Eating runaways in L. A.? El Peor.

Don't watch this ep. Focus really hard on writing a ballad about emo emus for 42 minutes, and if your ballad is not done or is terrible after that period at least you avoided watching the horrid Zargtha :-D.

Baywatch Nights: The Mobius (1997) Season 2, Episode 15

No herders. Just a Nerf® note.

[9/10 · 4 April 2022]

Surprisingly less terrible than I expected :-) Time travel apocalypse. Cool beans. Dialogue clunky as always. Special effects as cheap as they come. Somehow it all comes together. Nine Stars.

Baywatch Nights: Ascension (1997) Season 2, Episode 14

Erotic Air Duct Action

[5/10 · 4 April 2022]

Teague fights the Knights Templar and loses. No surprise there, but along the way he gets the Adidas® man and the Brainy Sexy Fem kidnapped and tortured, yells at Griff, then nearly buries them all in an explosion which somehow becomes a nasty wet basement. Oh, and there's a hot Asian chick with a really nice ass. 5 stars.

Baywatch Nights: Nights to Dragon One (1997) Season 2, Episode 13

Not lobster. Not abilly.

[1/10 · 4 April 2022]

This ep is rock-bottom. No, it's way below rock-bottom. Imbecilic to the core every second from cold open to final credits. They've made some dumb TV before, but this concept/execution/faceplant is really the pinnacle of bad Baywatch Nights. Ridiculous, stupid, and nauseating all in one. Kudos. :-D.

Baywatch Nights: Frozen Out of Time (1997) Season 2, Episode 12

The Vikings vs The Nets

[9/10 · 3 April 2022]

Forty-two minutes of hyper-concentrated silliness. Who better to fight reanimated Norsemen at the docks in San Pedro than a lifeguard pretending to be a detective?

It's great. Enjoy.