anangel4lyf Reviews

Family Guy (1999– )

It seems today that all you see, is violence in movies and sex on TV...

[4 December 2003]

Family Guy is just like the Simpsons. 2/3 "whoo-hoo!" and 1/3 'D'OH!'

The non-threatening comedy is hilarious(i.e: Peter knocks a golf ball into a china shop, destroying everything while a bull is reading the magazine. The angry owner sneers at the bull who replies, 'I know what you're thinking!'), the suggestive but nor so harsh humor is cute, but the adult language has got to go! That is stupid, and Seth McFarlane, the man behinf Family Guy knows it. There's a person who can't stand the show, and for good reason. Too harsh for its own good. Sure, I can use Stewie to help me get rid of some scum I hate, some of them are critics with no taste who got me POed with their lousy reviews. But overall, the show needs less raunch and more slapstick! Offensive comedy ain't funny. It's offensive! And stupid. Peter Griffin is an idiot with a woman's butt for a chin.

Rambo (1986)

Give me...THIS RAMBO!

[31 March 2003]

Jonathan J. Rambo has seen the light. After his three movies in which he was nothing more than a murdering machine no better than the villains he killed, he finally realized that TRUE heroes don't kill, and that a man of his talents can defeat thousands of foes without ending a single life. Rambo is aided by his Commanding Officer Samuel Troutman; Kathy Taylor, army brat KAT; Turbo Johnson, weapons specialist; White Dragon, ninja hero and T.D. Jones, football hero. His foes from S.A.V.A.G.E. are much worse than the simpletons he killed in the mindless movies. General Warhawk and Sergeant Havok alone could take out Rambo easily. But they also have Gripper and his dangerous but lovable UZI shield; Black Dragon, White Dragon's evil ninja brother; Nomad the Middle-Eastern terrorist; Mad Dog the urban biker and an army of dangerous Cyborgs. The action is awesome and smart. The stories are brilliant. And the fans are cool, unlike one guy whose review about Rambo 2 insulted the entire United States' intelligence. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, SLAPPY! The second best military cartoon next to G.I.Joe, Rambo is one top of the line series. Give me THIS RAMBO anytime!

Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985)

Who is the REAL ENEMY?

[31 March 2003]

Jonathan J. Rambo, a Vietnam Veteran in Federal Prison for the events in First Blood. He is recruited by Colonel Troutman to return to Vietnam and take photos of supposedly empty POW camps. His mission is non-lethal. When he discovered that an amalgam of Vietnamese and Russian soldiers are torturing POWs, he sets out to rescue them. Fortunately, a lovely freedom fighter assists him. Unfortunately for him, Marshall Murdock, a Washington Beuracrat, sets him up for a fall. He is beaten, tortured and shackled. His ally is killed. He learns of Murdock's betrayal. He must kill or be killed. Jonathan J. Rambo. A one-man army who defeats both Vietnamese and Russian foes to free the POWs and thwarts Murdock's betrayal by surviving. Jonathan J. Rambo. MURDERER. Rambo: First Blood 2. A film I found below average. The stars, the story, the direction. Let the others speak of them and sort out what was good and bad. I want to give a philosophical view of the film. No. Too strong. I want to expose Rambo as not a hero, but a murderer. What kind of man would bring so much death to anyone, even the villains who deserved it? What does he think when he sees the victims of his rampage? What does he think of their families who know that their relatives are just doing their duties? He doesn't care because he just kills and kills. Freddy, Jason and Michael do, too. They aren't heroes, neither. Does he believe he's doing the right thing? I DON'T. Sure, when it's a kill or die situation, you must do the right thing, but killing for killer's sake? Is that a hero? No. That's a killer. Killers have no place in the God-Blessed U.S.A. The enemies in this film were evil. But to repay their crimes the way Rambo did? Vile, rancid, and way over the top. WRONG. In fact, the "arrow" condemned Rambo as an evil worse than the VC General. Jonathan J. Rambo. Hero. The RAMBO Cartoon series, taking place after RAMBO 3, pits him against powerful foes. I like to think that he has learned from his labors macabre he has done in this movie. He may have thought of his past deeds and is now working on redemption from GOD, from his victim's souls, and from himself, most of all. His actions were more thought out and more acceptable to the public. At last the lesson is learned about the character of Jonathan J. Rambo. A hero doesn't kill unless all options are exhausted.

Revenge of the Nerds (1984)

Huhh! Huhh! Huhh! Huhh! Huhh! Technically.

[27 December 2002]

I have this vivid imagination. When I see a group of good guys battle bad guys, I picture them with superpowers. What does that have to do with REVENGE OF THE NERDS? Nothing. Anyhow, the heroes, lead by Carradine and Edwards, featuring known actors Tochi, Bernie Casey and Armstrong, battle the villians McKinley, Sallinger, John Goodman and Gibb in a dud-versus-stud battle for Adams College. The Nerds were sick and tired of being picked on by their enemies, so they fought back. Using such tactics like liquid heat in their underwear(Flyer). Personally, the jocks were jerks. McKinley and Gibb could be reasoned with, but Sallinger(Burke)? I wanted to tear that sunnivamutt's freakin' head off--and make bookends with Goodman's character(Coach Brown), too. Why was that guy a Brown? Insult to my last name! Whoa now, lets not go too far to the left. Armstrong's Booger Dawson wasn't no angel, either. The other nerds were fine and all, but Dawson royally sucked socks! He was definitely called Booger not because he picked his nose, but mucus could be found between his ears instead of a brain. Overall, the movie earned a 5 out of 10. The idiots who wrote the script made the film too crude and crass for its own good. The nudity was not a problem. In fact, I would rather see the whole cast nude from the 20th Century Fox logo to the end credits than to put up with the screwed-up dialogue from some of the characters, especially butt-wipes Booger and Burke! The sequel and the two TV Movies were much more fun, especially the second TV Movie, Nerds in Love. Wackier, Sillier, and Booger was less of a Booger there. As the series progressed, the Nerds became more and more of the heroes I love to imagine--even to this day.

Swans Crossing (1992)

Use Your Petals! Ooooooh, I loved this Series!

[24 December 2002]

Garrett Booth(Shane McDermott), the conceited, self-absorbed mirror kisser in the dirty dozen of rich Long Island children said it best;

"OOOOH, I love myself!"

Ooooh, I loved this series. Why did it have to disappear? It was so long ago, about ten years ago, and I still remember the characters like it was Yesterday. Sarah Michelle Gellar was the snooty anti-heroine torn between her love for Garrett and her Mayor Mother's hatred for all Booth males. She told Ralph, her valet, to 'Use your Petals' when he was driving her. Brittany Daniel, the witchy snoot Jessie Wakefield in "Sweet Valley High", was the beautiful angel Mila Rosnowsky. She wanted to fit in, but she had to escape the shadow of her Countess mother and the annoying yet cute cockatoo Tutu. Stacey Moseley was the hard-as-nails heck-cat Callie Walker who didn't take no poopy from nobody. Carise Dahlbo was the sweet Gloria "Glory" Booth, who was spunky and adorable, but always in the wrong place in the wrong time; one instance really got her in a world of trouble. Devin Doherty was Jimmy Clayton, the melancholy love interest of Callie who kept to himself when he wasn't trying to keep Cassie from going too hardcore. Eddie Robinson was genius Neil Atwater, co-creator of the high explosive UB2B. He was a girl-hater and a science lover; both occupations nearly cost him his best bud and his LIFE. Tom Carroll was J.T. Adams, Neil's computer-cranking partner, Glory's love interest and Garrett's "tech-weenie" bully victim. J.T.'s hate for Garrett dominoed into danger for both Neil and Glory. Kristen Mahon played Sandra Swan, the not-as-rich-as-Sidney plain girl used by Garrett to get even with Sidney for an incident that got him in a peck of trouble with all of Swan's Crossing. Alex Tanaka was Bobby Decastro, whose "Saja" personna protected Jimmy and Callie from the great Mumba-Jumba, an evil entity of bad luck. Evan Ferrante was Owen Fowler, a musician and a geek with the hots for Sandy. Last, but never least, was Kristy Barbera, aka the conniving, scandalous Nancy Robbins. She was Sidney's partner in the crime of being snooty and prissy.

Swan's Crossing was blessed with crazy characters out the wazoo. From the foreign spies known as the Baldies to the mysterious Berek, who always caught Callie's suspicious eye. From J.T.'s sassy sister to Saja's sophisticated sibling who always wanted to be older than she was. And lets not forget the bird. With wacky plot twists, mature storylines and that awesome dozen that starred in the show, Swan's Crossing would have been on today if not for ninnies who didn't know a good thing when they saw it. I was so honored to have met Sarah and her friends Carise, Eddie, Devin, Stacy, and Brittany while they were at Toys-R-Us that 1992 day. Carise's mom was nice, too. Great show. Great cast. I'll never forget the zaniness of that show. Especially not Sidney Rutledge and Garrett Booth. OOOOH, I loved that show!

Ten Tigers of Kwangtung (1980)

These Tigers are Grrrrrrrrrreat!

[24 December 2002]

Ti Lung. Alexander Fu Sheng. Chiang Sheng. Kuo Chui aka Phillip Kwok. Lu Feng. Wei Pai. Sun Chien. Lo Meng. Li Wang. Dick Wei. They make up ten of the most popular stars of 1970's Martial Arts Films. Add villain favorite Wang Lung Wei, and you got a blockbuster movie. With a cast so hot, who needs David Chiang, Chi Kwan Chun or Gordon Liu Chia Hui?

The Ten Tigers of Kwangtung was a spectacular showcase of kung fu. The brilliant styles of natural talent these stars had were spectacular. Each and every one of these guys can do anything, by golly. The story is kinda cool; two Ching Dynasty mercenaries are out to kill the students of the Legendary Ten Tigers as payback for Wang's demise at the hands of Ti...which was explained in a flashback.

Ti, Alex, Wei, Lu and Sun gather together to protect a hero of the Rebellion against the Manchus while Phil, Chiang and Lo goof off and stir a hornet's nest in their squabbles with Alex.

These heroes are great. Wang is in rare form as a villain who thinks he's the hero. The action is vicious and no nonsense. No villain gets charted off to jail saying, "I would have gotten away with nabbing that rebel if it hadn't been for those meddling Tigers!" here. The dubbing and FX are lame and jive. The perfect SHAW Brothers film.

I'm gonna miss Alex and Chiang. They were funny, talented and great heroes. They're up there in the pearly gates driving Bruce and Brandon up the clouds!

The Jeffersons (1975–1985)

Norman Lear's Plague ruined a promising series!

[2 September 2002]

I hate Norman Lear's guts, okay? I don't see how anyone could call a show about a toilet-mouthed imbecile, his dingbat wife, their selfish daughter, and a dead-brained meathead son-in law an immortal classic! The only thing immortal about that excrement is the eternal doom God will send those evil writers and producers. The Jeffersons are just a little bit better than that other piece of filth--but that doesn't mean it's a great show. Sure, Harold Bentley(Paul Benedict) was my favorite character, and when George ranted and raved about "honkies", that was oddly amusing. In one episode, Louise(Isabel Sanford) hit George(Sherman Hemsley) upstyle with a pillow. I laughed myself speechless. They were indeed moving on up with the slapstick and the non-mature, non-threatening humor. But leave it to the evil writers to cuss away the fun and the charm of this show. If they had moral values instead of dollar signs for eyes, they would have realized that real good taste has no place for swearing. Darn those imbeciles to heck! Sherman, Isabel and Paul are great actors who starred in greater future shows and specials, so they shouldn't be too disappointed if I decide that this show was a big, overrated letdown. They finally got a pie of the pie---WELL, I HATE PIE!!!!

Josie and the Pussycats (1970–1972)

The Cat's Me-WOW!

[10 November 2001]

The fearless redhead. The dingbatty blonde. The ingenious African-American. The hunky roadie. The gutless manager. The catty raven. The snickering Shorttail. The gallery of brilliant villains. A library of marvelous music. The perfect formula for a great cartoon series named "Josie and The Pussycats". Yeah, yeah, dirty minds(and several little minds)would go nuts about a certain part of the title, but the rest of us think the title was really groovy. Based on Archie Comics' great comic book, the Hanna-Barbera cartoon showcases musicians Josie McCoy, Melody Valentine and Valerie Brown, their roadie Alan Mayberry, their manager Alexander Cabot III, his volatile sister Alexandra and her snickering cat Sebastian. They perform all around the world, spending their spare time thwarting international schemes to conquer the world. Troublemakers such as The Countess, Mr. X, Greenthumb, Evil Eye, Midas, Nemo, and the Scorpion make the band's lives a living HELP(a term Alexander never forgets to yell for in every episode)! Janet Waldo, Jackie Joseph, and Barbara Pariot are the terrific trio, Jerry Dexter and Scooby Doo Alumni Casey Kasem are the dudes, Sherry Alberoni is the 'tude and Scooby himself, Don Messick, is the cool cat. The girls who give us those cool tunes such as my favorite, "You still have a way to go" are really Catherine Dougherty, Patrice Halloway and Cheryl Ladd as Melody's singing voice. JATP's charm comes from Josie and her allies. Josie makes the perfect leader, a perfect combo of wisdom, strength and beauty. Melody is the giggling silly of the group, always smiling and laughing no matter what the situation. Valerie is one of the first influential Afro-American cartoon characters. A pre-Cleopatra Jones like super spy who's the brains of the outfit and the lyrics of Josie's songs. Alexandra's cattiness keeps Josie on her toes and Alexander's gutlessness makes for some fine comedy. Alan's hunky appearance makes Josie and Alexandra's conflicts even more juicier. I felt it was only fair for me to rave over this great cartoon series, because I dissed the movie. Mayhaps if the writers made the movie more closer to the cartoon and more family friendly, I would have loved it. But NOOOOOOO, those saps made it just another Hollywood PG-13 zombie. Phooey on them! Their spin-off, JATP IN OUTER SPACE, may not have all the songs, but it is equally entertaining. I suggest you all see both the cartoon versions . .. and the comics, too.

All in the Family: 20th Anniversary Special (1991 TV Movie)

Those were the days

[9 November 2001]

KUDOS to Norman Lear for his letting the viewers display their opinions about "All In The Family" in his 20th Anniversary Special. As usual, some people thought it was the greatest thing on TV, others thought it was funny and entertaining, others thought it was fair, some found a few faults with it, and others totally despised it. A perfect balance of any show. My only wish was that I was one of the people who commented on the show and the stars. If I was, I would conclude my opinion by saying, "it's difficult to soar like an eagle when I'm flying with DINGBAT". Food for thought, huh?

All in the Family (1971–1979)

Get away from me! *THHHLLLPPP!!*

[9 November 2001]

Hiya there, all of youse there. This is G. Brown from none of yer beezwax where I live, see? I'm talking about "All in the Family", a 70's sitcom that broke all the rules. You name it, it's there. Racism, the law, rape, politics, homosexuality, dingbats, Nazism, aging, Jeffersons, transvestites, whoopee, drugs, Jews, etc, etc, etc. It starred this old guy name O'Connor, he's this Archie Bunker guy, Republican Liberal Nixon-Egor and proud of it. He's bigoted out the wazoo, has a mouth of a sailor interrogating Nazis who love to waste children, and thinks the whole world's goin' down the turlet. He is married to Edith, she's nice, but lets face it she's too simple and too goody-goody, thinking everything is nice. When Archie flipped his lid, Edith resorted to coping and forgiveness to compensate. All together people;

DINGBAT!!

Jean Stapleton played her. Rob Reiner and Sally Struthers played the kids. Mike and Gloria. Mike was a dead from the neck up meathead. Always gettin' on everyone's nerves with hippie-yippie pinko commie propiganda. Always burning Archie's tuckas. Gloria's no better. She was a selfish whiner who used woman's lib as a tool to get Archie's kettle boilin'. In other words, "7th Heaven", eat your heart out! Now, me, I think this Bunker guy's a yutz. Don't give a butt if he is Republican. The guy just loves to hear himself yell and cuss. He calls himself a Christan, but the bum doesn't even know the letter that starts the word GOD. He disregards everyone unless he needs him, even the Big Guy Upstairs. If he was right here, I'd wallop the loser into next Tuesday. He's the sorriest palooka that ever disgraced TV. This show was LOUSY! LOWWWW-ZEEEEE! Just another attempt by Norman Lear, the self-important bum who created this drivel out of some British show that equally stank, to put more money in his pockets, not caring whose toes he stepped on.

But hold yer horses. Arch wuz a jerk, but his family weren't no angels, neither. They could've told him to put a lid on it hundreds of times, and did somethin' about him if he didn't. He knew they were too inept to stop his outrageousness. The show's guest characters did nuthin to shut his pie-hole, making him even worse as the show went by. There's a saying I always shocked everyone with; everyone wants to go to Heaven, but keeps on raisin' Hell. Archie and many in this show were the worst example of this kind of philosophy, especially the writers and producers. They tried to make a new show fulla sophisticated maturity, but spearheaded a zoo full of rotten, filthy, repulsive excuses for TV shows. "The Odd Couple" TV episodes tackled the same subjects, only THEY made me laugh! Those AITF knobs gave voice to vulgarity and stupidity, nothing more. Lets just hope that they didn't earn GOD's wrath for making this stinkeroo. Cuz let me tell youse something there, the Big Guy will do a lot more than just label those joes dingbats and meatheads when He gets His mitts on them. This dopey show should've never been aired! *THHHHHHHHPP!!*(razz-berry)

Exit Wounds (2001)

Exit Wounds, Heck! Exit Signs are more like it!

[7 November 2001]

Once again, the esteemed Steven Seagal has made it his personal duty to disregard any respect for our intelligence by plaguing the screen and videos with another of his cinema skunks called "EXIT WOUNDS". He plays yet another cop who equates violence for justice and replaces education with attitude. The sap thinks that everyone else in the world is one big fat Ceasar Romero, and he's the Adam West to give him the BIFFS, BOFFS, and ZOWIES. Yawn. The same kind of people who would pan such sugar-coated masterpieces as INSPECTOR GADGET and TOY STORY usually pine over this waste of time. Go figure, especially when the heroes of these kiddie films can take down the clueless thugs in EXIT WOUNDS without even trying. Lets face it; every movie Seagal made had no redeeming value save to put more lettuce into his bank account. As long as he thinks that bloodshed and blankety-blanks are what makes his films great, I'll be there to tell him to get a moral value!

Josie and the Pussycats (2001)

The Cat's Me-OUCH!

[7 November 2001]

Hey, Hollywood, WHATZAMATTAFERYOU, eh? You take one of Archie Comics' finest cartoons, and turn it into another PG-13 zombie! The RUINED Josie and the Pussycats movie was plagued by foul language and sicko sexuality. For once will these people think of anything other than getting the audience through this cheap stupidity?! Rachel Leigh Cook, Tara Leigh, and Rosario Dawson deserved better writers and a better story. Why didn't they just make this like the cartoons or the comics; FUNNY?! What's the use of having the best cast in the world and the coolest stories ever conceived when the writing is pure trash? If there is another sequel, it had better be more respectful for my taste.

Jackie Chan Adventures (2000–2005)

And another thing . . . WATCH THIS CARTOON!

[6 November 2001]

Jackie Chan temporarily retires from the Martial Arts film world to help his Uncle in archaeology. He comes across twelve talismans that give the user spectacular powers. The sinister Niles Valmont and his suave squad of foes, Chow, Finn, Ratso, Hak Foo the Black Tiger, and Tohru want the talismans to appease the sinister dragon demon Shan Do and his glee club, the Shadowkhan.

Whoa.

Darn good thing he has hyperactive niece Jade on his side and back up from Section 13's Captain Black, Mexican luchador El Toro and sexy thief Viper. Darn good thing for ME that this cartoon is here! All the Jackie Chan-ness without that excess ghoulash his movies give me. Spectacular performances from James Sie, who's the perfect Jackie, Shan Do and Chow. Is Stacy Chan related? She's cool as Jade. And another thing. . . Sab Shimono's Uncle is very good! Clancy Brown(as Capt. Black) plays his coolest bald guy since Lex Luthor. Julian Sands, Adam Baldwyn, Jim Cummings and Noah Nelson should take a bow for their evil performances(Noah moreso because his Tohru's on our side, now). You also learn everything you need to know about Jackie Chan in live segments. If you don't want to have a bad day bad day bad day bad day bad day, etc., etc., then see this cartoon! And another thing. . . It's a whole lot of fun!

Inspector Gadget (1999)

WOWSERS!Go-Go-Gadget Video Watchers!

[6 November 2001]

I did not know that Inspector Gadget was really John Brown and Dr. Claw was Sanford Scolex. Matthew Broderick and Rupert Everett were brilliant in this movie! Perfect! D. W. Hughley's voice as the Gadgetmobile, stroke of genius! The silly slapstick humor of the awesome cartoon I grew up with and loved. It had Penny, Brain, Chief Quinby, MAD lackeys, and the awesome origin of DIC's first and greatest cartoon turned movie star. If you see this film on cable, turn on your go-go-gadget VCR's and tape this thing! It'll be your everything! Why do I put up with myself? Don't forget to watch the cartoons, too!

X-Men (2000)

X-Mania: Movie of the Atom

[5 November 2001]

What do I think of this movie?

Why do you ask the questions of answers you already know?

In 1963, Stan Lee wrote and Jack Kirby illustrated a team of heroes who not only fought crime, but also the prejudices of being born with their powers. They claimed that too many radioactive spiders, cosmic ray trips and gamma bombs would spoil Marvel, so they made the X-Men mutants. In 1975, Len Wein, Chris Claremont and Dave Cockrum made a new team of X-Men. Since then, the X-Men were the greatest heroes on the greatest comics ever made. The cartoon series, featuring Cal Dodd as Wolverine, Chris Potter as Gambit, Iona Morris as Storm and Ed Buza as Beast, was the best cartoon made by Marvel(next to G.I.Joe, Transformers and Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends). Now, the movie. Patrick Stewart, Professor Xavier. Sir Ian McKellen, Erik Magnus Lensherr. Hugh Jackman, Jonathan Logan Wolfe. Anna Paquin, Maria D'Acanto. James Marsden, Scott Summers. Halle Berry, Ororo Munroe. Famke Jansen, Jean Grey. Rebecca Stamos, Raven Darkholme. Tyler Mane, Victor Graydon Creed. Reg Park, Mortimer Toynbee.

These actors bought the X-Men to life in spectacular manner, especially Patrick, Halle and Sir Ian, who were the best of the cast. The chemistry between the X-Men teacher and the Brotherhood's misunderstood leader was Oscar material. The action of the movie was well done, with no one team dominating the other in the climax. My problem was the dialogue. The writing staff should have read more of the X-Men comics to understand that this film had no place for Hollywood PG-13 salty language. James' Cyclops was a royal JERK! And if Sir Ian had my personality when Hugh's Logan told him that he was full of you-know-what, Wolvie's neck would be full of puncture wounds from six adamantium claws, if you know what I mean. Conclusively, the film earned a B+ from me. 8 out of 10. Uncanny, but could have been uncannier. If you loved this movie, watch X-Men:Evolution on Kids WB! Great cartoon featuring Scott McNeil as Wolverine.

Note: If there is an X-Men sequel, don't forget Ed Buza as Beast, Roland Kickinger as Colossus, Yuji Okumoto as Sunfire, Lori Petty as Boom Boom, Russel Crowe as Mister Sinister, Lou Diamond Phillips as Forge and Chris Potter as Gambit.

Recess: School's Out (2001)

Tenderrrrrr!

[2 November 2001]

Theodore Detweiler Jr. Vincent Lasalle. Michael Blumberg. Gustav Patton Griswald. Gretchen Grundler. Ashley Funicello Spinelli. Peter Prickly. Seven heroes out to save Summer Vacation from a madman who really whomps! Recess. School's Out. If you like the cartoon series, you'll love the film. Funny, inventive, and dare I say it for Ashley fans, SCANDALOUS! Featuring the voices of Andrew Lawrence, Rickey Collins, Pam Seagal, Dabney Coleman and James Woods as his greatest Disney villain since Hercules kicked his Hades' fanny, Recess; School's Out immortalized the children of Third Street School to icons of movie magic. Robert Goulet gives a perfect performance as Mikey's singing voice. His "Green Tambourine" video was just awesome! Do yourselves a favor, Recess fans, get off your fat, saggin' butts and WATCH THIS FILM! It's Tenderrrrrrr!

Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

Jack Burton, MEat-head, but the check's still in the mail!

[2 November 2001]

"Are you ready, Jack?" "I was born ready!" No. You were born YESTERDAY!! "Big Trouble in Little China" is a masterpiece. John Carpenter's best film! Why? Because Kurt Russell's Jack Burton is the best hero I loved to hate, despise, dislike, abhor, and disrespect. A loud-mouth loser goofs with his little buddy Wang Chi(The way-cool Dennis Dun)when they see the battle between good guys and the "Trio"(I call James Pax' Lightning, Carter Huang's Thunder and Peter Kwong's Rain[Note: boy, was I in Heaven when I was able to catch and tape Peter in action in the Sci-Fi Channel's rebroadcast of MANIMAL. Underrated series deserved more respect]). Jack and Wang see David Lo Pan, esquire(James Hong, esquire), who magically swipes Jack's Porkchop Express truck as well as Wang's girlfriend Miao Yin(Suzee Pai).

Right then, he gets on everybody's nerves while Wang, Egg Shen(Victor Wong, another way cool dude), and the heroic forces of kung fu prepare to confront the bad guys. Jack meets up with- and tries the pacifism of- beautiful Gracie Law(Kim Cattrall). Jack and Wang recon, and thanks to screw-up Burton, Gracie gets kidnapped by a sewer beast[I call him "George"] and it's up to Wang's kung fu to save Jack's tuckas. An army of fighting mad warriors(including my favorites James Lew, Rummel Mor and Jeff Imada)invade the villain's lair and, spearheaded by Wang's fierce kiai(spirit shout), win a very difficult battle. One famous scene was when Jack joined in on the battlecry, shot his gun upward, and debris fell on his head. My first reaction was:

"What a yutz."

Conclusively, the film was great. If I could've edited anything, I could've dropped all the crude language, had Wang and his gang fight topless ala Bruce Lee, and had Jack get his hiney handed to him a little more before the good guys finally won.

See the film, enjoy the film, awe to the martial arts action, and prepare to be rubbed the wrong way by Jack.

Jack who?

Jack Burton . . . MEATHEAD.

Clash of the Titans (1981)

Who were the real Monsters?

[2 November 2001]

Lets not get into the overall movie ratings okay? It was a masterpiece. Olivier, Hamlin, Meredith, the cast was wonderful. The special effects, beautiful.

But I want to go into this tale of favoritism among the Gods of Olympus.

The Kraken, the huge monster that destroyed cities, only did his job under Poseidon's command. The Gorgons were cursed by circumstances beyond their control by Athena. The two-headed dog protected the Gorgons. Sure, Calibos was wrong to hunt in sacred grounds, but Zeus and the Gods could have warned him more. He was the greatest victim of this movie, and that was not fair at all. Thetis and Hera may have seemed like villainous Goddesses, but their loyalties to Zeus were never appreciated. Thetis, more than Calibos, was the greater victim.

Perseus was the most horrible monster! Sure, he was used by the Gods, especially by Thetis, who put him in danger to repay Zeus' petty selfishness, but Perseus should have found better ways to end the conflicts between Joppa and Calibos. He didn't. That made him no better than Zeus, the king of the Gods who by no means deserved that honor.

I was so furious at how the so-called heroes mistreated Thetis. It would have been better off to base this movie on the true myth of Perseus, who was forced by a cruel king to fetch Medusa's head.