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Ticker (2001)
4/10
A big disappointment
12 September 2005
Warning: Spoilers
Ticker is a strange movie. It starts out promising, with a good cast, nice story and lots of action. Especially after watching "Out for a kill" which I did 2 weeks ago, this one seems to be much better. And in fact, it is better, especially the acting. Tom Sizemore does a good job, Dennis Hopper is adequate as the bad guy and Joe Spano in a small roll is good too.

So what's wrong? First of all, Steven Seagall obviously gained a lot of weight. He just sits there, at his desk or in his car, except for the last 15 minutes or so when finally he decides to kick some ass. However: it is painfully clear that for the action scenes, a stand-in is used. I replayed these scenes in slow motion to verify this, and it is very obvious. Shame on Steven for this.

A lot of scenes are really dark, which makes it very hard to see what's happening. Also some of the scenes are too chaotic with good and bad guys running around looking the same. "Out for a kill" had the same problem.

Right at the start of the movie, the scene where Seagal's troops jump out of the helicopter by ropes, it is clear that the rope is hanging in a studio. Besides, I have no idea why these bomb experts would land on the roof while they know there's a bomb in the basement.

The blue screen car scene with Dennis Hopper and Jaime Pressly has been mentioned a few times already. It is good for a few unintended laughs. The same goes for Hoppers part-time Irish accent, the old police cars with wrong plates and the police choppers without even the word "police" on them.

Later on, Jaime blows up the BMW convertible with Hopper in it. It is painfully obvious that the car that's blown up is another model, a much older 4 doors saloon instead of the 2 doors convertible. There's even another car visible blowing up right next to the BMW. I don't know where it came from. Even the surrounding buildings are different before and during the explosion. I suspect this explosion was taken from another movie.

The final scenes take place in city hall, where a bal masqué is going on. The room where this takes place looks like a discotheque. Now really, what city hall would look like that? Not surprisingly, this scene too is taken from another movie.

Near the end, Steven walks up the stairs towards the roof of city hall to dismantle the bomb on the roof. However, several men with machine guns are sitting there. When they start shooting, Steven decides to walk back. Walk, not run or jump, even when men firing their guns come after him, he takes his time to get some cover. My grandfather walks faster than that.

Finally two bombs have to be dismantled. One is in the basement, and Sizemore has to take care of this one, following instructions by Seagall. This is the right time for Seagal to preach some Zen before telling Sizemore how to deal with the bomb. When the bomb in the basement is secured, Seagal takes care of the other one. This is really easy. He just cuts some wires, the timer stops and that's the end of the movie. No suspense, no final fight, no good feelings.

My rating: 4/10. One point because this one's better than "Out for a kill", one for Tom Sizemore, one for... I don't know. And one for Steven Seagall, for old times sake.

Better rent The Glimmerman or one of the other old style Seagl flicks.
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7/10
Simple, but irresistible when you're in the right mood!
15 May 2005
Le Gendarme et les Extra Terrestres is one of the last episodes in the "gendarme"-series, situated in the beautiful south of France (St. Tropez).

Louis de Funes again plays Ludovic Cruchot. When his colleague-gendarme Beaupied (Maurice Risch) sees a flying saucer, no one believes him. Not much later however, Cruchot also sees the saucer. The two gendarmes try to convince their colleagues that they must do something to defeat the aliens, especially when it becomes clear that these aliens can copy the looks of anyone they like, including the gendarmes. But how do you catch aliens you can not distinguish from your own colleagues?

Don't complain about the special effects. They are bad. The saucer, when flying, is very poorly pasted in the film, especially in the final scene where it flies over the St Tropez harbor. It doesn't matter, even contributes to the overall fun-factor of this movie.

The movie contains more than enough memorable scenes, that is if you like its kind of humour. De Funes singing in a nuns-choir is hilarious. De Funes patting everybody on the back (to check if they sound hollow) and stabbing his boss in his ass (because he thinks he's an alien) is great. Also the scenes where Baupied's alien look-a like offers him a flower and where De Funes' cap is set on fire by an alien are classics.

The movie gives him enough room to display his famous neurotic character. A must see for fans of De Funes and of French comedy. 7/10 points.
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4/10
A letdown all the way
26 March 2005
As a true Spencer & Hill fan I was very disappointed by this piece of crap.

Spencer and Hill are drivers in a demolition derby and by coincidence they finish exactly at the same time. This means they have to figure out how to share the first prize, a dune buggy. They decide to do this by way of a beer drinking and hot dog eating contest, but after having eaten a few dozen hot dogs each, gangsters show up and demolish the restaurant and the rest of the fairground. And even worse, they burn down the buggy. Our heroes of course demand their buggy back, but since the villains don't wanna listen and even beat up an innocent old man, Spencer and Hill are forced to use more "convincing" methods.

Non existing plot, very slow, bad acting, bad jokes and extremely irritating music. The fight scene in the room with hundreds of balloons was just childish, and the fight scene with the two bad guys on motorbikes was boring as hell. The opening scenes took way too long and the whole movie is uninspired. Remarkable that so many people here seem to like it anyway.

You're really much better off with Crime Busters or Double Trouble.
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