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Reviews
Jake's Booty Call (2003)
Is National Lampoon REALLY desperate for money!?
It seems in recent years, the company known as National Lampoon seems to be obsessed with flooding DVD shelves with terrible movies aimed at college kids. One of their more recent releases (although the IMDb says it was made in 2003) is Jake's Booty Call, an animated comedy using two-dimensional computer animation not unlike that used in South Park, but still with the characters looking like cardboard cutouts.
Based on an Internet cartoon series, Jake's Booty Call is about a 20-something skirt chaser named Jake, whom speaks in broken urban slang, looks stoned throughout the film, and has a grin that never seems to go away and borders on looking disturbing. He seems to have an ego that would anger Kevin Federline and uses pick-up lines that are beyond corny, yet he does appear to score with women. His new friend, Siton, is not so lucky. In fact, it turns out that Siton is a prince of a fictional European country who can't seem to lose his virginity. Jake and Siton set out to go skirt chasing in some domestic and foreign locales, while Siton's evil brother, Lickapon, and his thugs follow their every move.
God, this movie is bad. From the plot to the humor, JBC is terrible. The only thing remotely decent about this film is the animation, but that's about it. All through this movie, I wanted to beat Jake within an inch of his life for being such an obnoxious, over-the-top character. All of the film's jokes either fall flat or are on the level of grade school children. I can honestly say I've seen better writing on an average Adult Swim show in contrast.
In short, avoid JBC. It is truly a waste of valuable time and money.
Sangre Eterna (2002)
Goth losers play an RPG and become vampires along the way in this stylish yet bad, foreign horror film.
(Note: This review is based on the English-dubbed VHS version of the film.)
Pros: Has a decent budget for a B-grade horror movie; the dubbed-over voices are decent
Cons: Lame acting; lame special effects; painfully bad senseless violence; the story disappears about an hour into the film
Plot summary(WARNING: MINOR SPOILERS!): Eternal Blood is a movie about a girl named Carmilla, a college student studying journalism. She befriends a group of Gothic students who are playing a role-playing game named after the film. She becomes interested in the game through M, the leader of the group she met in her class. During a strange party at an abandoned house, the group meets Dahmer(What a name, LOL!), a weird guy that introduces them to vampiric rituals. M realizes that Dahmer and his thugs are vampires that are changing his friends into vampires, and it's up to M to use ancient texts as a way make tham human again before it's too late.
Review: Compared to The Zombie Chronicles and Frost: Portrait of a Vampire, Eternal Blood is Academy Award winner. On a general scale, though, EB is pure s***. Seriously, this movie is a waste of money. To it's credit, though, it did have a decent budget. Too bad the writer of this movie didn't sit down and make a decent script. EB actually LOST its story about a hour into the film. After that, it seemed like the director just made stuff up as the movie went along. Oh, and I think American anime voice actress Wendee Lee does the dubbed-over voices of the 2 lead female characters. Personally, I really don't give a damn. If you like gore, Goth, vampires with HORRIBLE hairlstyles, and gun-toting preists, then this movie is for you.
My rating: 3 out of 10
M.D. Geist II (1996)
Is Koichi Ohata a sick freak!?
Pros: MUCH better animation than the first
Cons: This film is horrifyingly violent; lots of holes and inconsistensies in the plot; Um, what the f*** was this film about?
Plot summary(WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS!): At the end of MD Geist 1, the supersoldier known as Geist revealed his true colors when he activated the planet Jerra's ultimate doomsday device, the Death Force, an army of millions and millions of robotic war machines that are programmed to kill every human being on the planet. Some brutally blow their targets to bits, while there are insect-like units that eat their targets alive! Taking place some years after the original, MD Geist 2: Death Force has our supersoldier Geist roaming the planet, taking down Death Force units in his path.
Meanwhile, remnants of Jerra's regular army are banding together to combat the dangerous threat of the Death Force. Led by Capt. Krauser, they intend to rid Jerra of the Death Force. Krauser rescues a group of refugees that survived an attack with the Death Force and takes them under his wing at his fortress to protect them from the Death Force. One of the survivors is none other than Vaiya from MD Geist 1, a woman riddled with misery with the memories of Geist. Another one of the refugees is an unnamed little boy. Although the refugees look up to Krauser as a hero, he is in fact another Most Dangerous Soldier(MDS) like Geist.
Dr. Breston, Krauser's personal doctor and the man behind the MDS project, knows Geist is still alive, and sends his cyborg Eagle to go find and capture him. Eagle finds Geist and battles him in a forest. Although Geist beat the living daylights out of him, Eagle pulled a sneak attack and electrocuted Geist, knocking him unconscious. A group of Fightech commandos go and pick up Eagle and Geist with one of their ships, but a praying mantis-like Death Force unit sneaks aboard the ship and kills 2 of the Fightech guards. It was about to attack the unconscious Geist, but he wakes up just time to destroy it with an axe-like weapon.
Geist is taken back to Krauser's fortress so Dr. Breston could study him. Meanwhile, Vaiya is intimate with Krauser, but all Krauser wants her to do is tell him her memories of Geist. It scares her to death thinking of Geist. Back at Dr. Breston's lab, Geist kills Dr. Breston and ends up blowing the lab. Now loose in Krauser's fortress, Geist brutally kills everyone in his way. Krauser than takes it upon himself to fight Geist on a walkway. Krauser beats Geist and throws him off the walkway and to his death while a hidden Eagle looks on.
With Geist out of the way, Krauser gets back to his plan of ridding Jerra of the Death Force. Teaming up with remnants of the Nexrum Army, they set up a phony city to lure all the Death Force units to and then plan to blow them all up with an atomic bomb. However, once the Death Force is gone, the Nexrum Army will turn on Krauser and will try to take over Jerra's government. Back at the fortress, Geist is found to be alive by Eagle and Eagle gives Geist some new weaponry to wreak havoc with. Geist hurries to the scene where Krauser and his crew are at to plan to elimanate the Death Force, puts on his signature battle armor -- now with flying capabilities! -- and does battle with Krauser and the other Fightech soldiers. Geist kills all the Fightech soldiers, leaving the fight between him an Krauser. What Krauser doesn't know is that Geist is leading the Death Force back to his fortress! Geist ends up luring the Nexrum officials to their death, and while Krauser chases after Geist, the atomic bomb goes off, taking some of the Death Force units out while the others give chase after Geist and to the base. The Death Force brutally attacks the base, and a angered Krauser looks on. Thinking that he can't fail his people, Krauser goes to fight Geist to the death on top of the fortress. Krauser ends up knocking Geist out, but the refugess, fearing for their lives, rush Krauser for their protection. Geist wakes up and rushes to attack Krauser, but Krauser attacks and accidentally kills the little unnamed boy while killing Geist. Krauser than screams in agony while the fortress goes down in flames, with Krauser being impaled himself. The survivors look on as the Death Force and the fortress are now gone, at least I think their gone. The end!(END SPOILER)
Review: You know you're watching a bad film when a token balck guy is forcibly used as bait for killing machines. This film surpasses the original MD Geist in every way -- it's far worse than it's predecessor. The only thing this anime film had goin' for it was the good animation. It's WAY better than MD Geist 1's. Otherwise, MD Geist 2: Death Force is a piece of trash disguised as an anime film. The plot seems generic, but what ruined it were the holes and inconsistencies. The MD Geist universe seemed interesting, but like MD Geist 1, the producers didn't even bother to explore it better. The character and mechanical designs are pretty decent. Geist himself only says about 5 or 6 lines in the entire 45 minutes of the film, and as the main character, he doesn't even appear in the film that much! Also, what the f*** was the point of that little boy in the film!? The only conclusion I came to was that he is supposed to represent innocence lost in war, but I'm not even sure about that! If there's one type of anime that I hate, it's ones where you have to be a rocket scientist to figure out. Another thing that bothered me about this film was the sickening graphic violence. I'm all for graphic violence in anime and whatnot, but I'm sure NO ONE wants to see some bug robots eat internal organs. I personally liked MD Geist 1 for reasons of guilty pleasure, but this sequel is inexcusable. How do people like Koichi Ohata even get into the anime business with some sick s*** like this!? In short, unless you're a hardcore fan of the original, avoid this anime title like it's plutonuim.
My rating: 1 out of 10
Sonikku adobenchâ 2 (2001)
Sonic the Hedgehog's last appearance on a Sega video game console was a major disappointment with Sonic Adventure 2.
(WARNING: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS MINOR SPOILERS!)
Pros: Great graphics; wonderful music soundtrack; controls are easy to learn; game runs at 60 fps
Cons: Adventure Mode is gone; the characters in both Hero and Dark side in Story Mode are dopplegangers; Knuckles/Rouge stages are very difficult and time-wasting; English voice actors are HORRIBLE; camera angles are HORRIBLE; the difficulty in this game is a little too high
Plot summary: When a black hedgehog that resembles Sonic starts tarnishing his reputation and making him a criminal in the public eye, Sonic joins forces with his friends Tails and Knuckles once again to stop him and Dr. Eggman's latest evil plan to take the world. Using a powerful weapon on his great-granfather's space colony, known as the Ark, Dr. Eggman plans to fire a powerful laser cannon on Earth unless his demands are met. Not only assisting Dr. Eggman is Shadow, the evil hedgehog that resembles Sonic, but a female bat named Rouge, who wants Knuckles's Master Emerald for her own desires.
Review: Since this was Sonic's last appearence on a Sega video game console, I had high hopes for this game. Unfortunately, Sonic Team has really let me down. It's not that I hate this game; it's just that Sonic Adventure 2 was really frustrating. As always in video games, graphics come first, and they really look good. The game's stages and backgrounds are detailed and look beautiful, and listening to the game's soundtrack that goes well with the stages doesn't hurt at all. Unlike its predecessor, SA 2 moves at 60 fps in contrast to SA 1's 30 fps. The controls are a cinch to learn, so you really won't have any problems with them. Unfortunately, here's where SA 2 goes downhill.
First off, the Adventure Field is gone, so it's just straightforward with the characters after the game's cinematic cut scenes. Second, unlike in SA 1 where you could play as 6 characters in their own stories which intertwine with the other characters, both the characters in Hero and Dark stories are basically the same characters. Sonic and Shadow have the "traditional Sonic game stages"(the most fun out of the entire game), which include moving at insane speeds and getting from point A to point B. Tails and Dr. Eggman pilot robotic machines in their stages, blasting enemies away in first-person view. It's good, but nothing spectacular. Knuckles and Rouge have the treasure-hunting stages, wich are the most annoying and time-consuming stages in the game. While similar to Knuckles's story in SA 1, it's much harder since the radar really doesn't help that much, and you have to find the specific target in the order from left to right. To make matters worse, the camera in this game sucks. I wish Sonic Team would have worked on the camera angles like they did for the American version of SA 1, because the camera will end up getting you lost or killed in the game a lot. The game's story isn't anything original, but it would have helped a lot if the English voice actors tried to act! They are REALLY bad! They don't even try to act in this game! Fortunately, you can switch the voices over to Japanese. Even if you don't know Japanese, you're better off playing the game listening to the Japanese voice actors than the American ones. And last but never least, this game is HARD, especially the boss fights later in the game. When I play a video game, I want a challenge that isn't so hard that you'd have to be God to beat the game. In short, SA 2 is a major disappointment to the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise.
My rating: 5 out of 10
Chojin gakuen Gowcaizer (1996)
This is an anime movie strictly for guys, and it shows.
(WARNING: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS MINOR SPOILERS!)
>>Pros: The constant, shameless T&A scenes; decent action scenes; nicely animated
>>Cons: The constant, shameless T&A scenes; no point to this movie
>>Plot summary: Based on a video game that only appeared in America on the hard-as-hell-to-find, overly expensive, and now-defunct SNK Neo-Geo video game console, Voltage Fighters! Gowcaizer: The Movie is about a group of Japanese high school students with superpowers that must stop some kind of weird, evil force from destroying the world. That's about all the plot I could get out of this film.
>>Review: If you're an adolescent teenage boy who just went through puberty, you're gonna love this movie. The film's sole purpose is to just show off the female characters' bodies, and they do with great gusto. They wear little to no clothing, and they have huge breasts that seem to bounce in every direction. Also, the 2 main female characters, Karin and Shaia, don't seem to be very bright. Gowcaizer was produced and directed by Masami Ohbari, best known for his great work on Fatal Fury: The Motion Picture, but Ohbari didn't even come close to living up to Fatal Fury: TMP with this film. Masami Ohbari was also the creator and producer behind the Gowcaizer game. Anyway, the animation in this anime is pretty good, and the fight scenes are decent. They're reminiscent of that of Dragon Ball Z, but they don't get nearly over the top as what goes on DBZ. As for Gowcaizer's flaws, one thing I didn't like about this film was the incest romance between a brother and sister. Also, this film doesn't really make any since at all, and it doesn't try to either. This is just a below-average anime film that was made just to satisfy some type of pornographic lust, and that's pretty much it.
>>My last 2 cents: (None this time)
>>My rating: 4 out of 10
The Zombie Chronicles (2001)
This movie JUST SUCKS.
Pros: Nothing
Cons: Everything
Plot summary: A female reporter runs into a hitchhiker that tells her stories about the deaths of people that were killed by zombies.
Review: Never in my life have I come across a movie as bad The Zombie Chronicles. Filmed on a budget of what looks to be about 20 bucks, TZC is a completely horrible horror movie that relies on lame, forgetable actors whom couldn't act to save their lives and gore that's more gross than frightening. How does a movie like this even get made? Simply put, avoid TZC like a sexually-transmitted disease.
My last 2 cents: Humorously enough, this movie was made by a movie company called Brain Damage Films. They're brains must have really been damaged to come up with a craptacular movie like this.
My rating: 1 out of 10(If it were up to me, this movie would get the rating of negative bajillion)
Snake's Revenge (1990)
The unofficial sequel to Metal Gear, but that doesn't mean it's bad.
Pros: Great 8-bit overhead graphics; good 8-bit soundtrack; good gameplay
Cons: Side-scrolling areas are tough
Plot summary: 3 years after the events of Metal Gear, Solid Snake, with the help of 2 soldiers, is called back into action to stop a terrorist organization in a fictional Middle Eastern country from launching a global attack with Metal Gear 2, a newer model of the Metal Gear bipedal tank but is 7 times more powerful than its predecessor.
Review: This is the unofficial sequel to Metal Gear, but it's still a very good game. Hideo Kojima had nothing to do this MG title, but it lived up to his standards of being an MG game. Sure, MG fans might be turned off to the corny storyline that was in this game's instruction manual and the fact that Kojima had nothing to do with it, but they don't know what they're missing. Just like in all the other MG games, the object of the game is to use stealth instead of going gung ho against the enemies. If you're seen or you make a loud noise, the enemies will come after you, so it's best to not be seen and to be quiet. The 8-bit graphics of this NES title are pretty good. The areas in the game are very detailed. My only gripe about the game was going through the side-scrolling areas. Unlike most of the game, which has an overhead view, the side-scrolling areas are almost impossible to get through without being seen. As for the sound, the sound effects and music are pretty good for an old NES game. Controlling Solid Snake is really no hassle. In short, all you MG fanboys who think Snake's Revenge is bad just because Kojima had nothing to do with it should get off your stuck-up a**es should play this game. If you no longer have an NES, then download an NES emulator and a copy of the game ROM into your computer and have some sneaky fun.
My last 2 cents: The true sequel, Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake, was only released in Japan for the now-defunct MSX. Look for an MSX emulator and a copy of the game ROM on emulation websites.
My rating: 8 out of 10
Not Another Teen Movie (2001)
75% stupid, 25% funny, but all in all, 100% bad.
>>Pros: Nothing
>>Cons: Everything
>>Plot summary: Not Another Teen Movie is a slapstick parody of famous teen movies from the '80s and '90s like The Breakfast Club, Never Been Kissed, She's All That, etc., that makes fun of the stereotypical Hollywood interpretation of high school, but does it with grossout humor.
>>Review: Not Another Teen Movie sounded good on paper and in TV commercials, but it's painfully bad. I did like the idea of spoofing Hollywood's cherished stereotypes, but the producers just screwed it up by adding all that gratuitous potty humor. I usually like slapstick comedies, but this one is just horrible. Not even the cameo appearences by Molly Ringwald, Mr. T, and that one guy from The Breakfast could save this film.
>>My last 2 cents: This movie is best enjoyable on a Saturday afternoon when there's nothing on and you have nothing to do.
>>My rating: 3 out of 10
M.D. Geist (1986)
A pretty bad anime, but for some reason, I like it.
(Note: This review is based on M.D. Geist Director's Cut. M.D. Geist Director's Cut is not actually a director's cut version of the film. It's actually a digitally remastered version of the original 1986 OAV with new scenes added, altered sound effects, and poorly animated scenes fixed.)
>>Pros: Pretty good animation; decent '80s Japanese rock soundtrack; good action scenes and character designs
>>Cons: Unbelievably bad dubbing; lame plot; very little character development
>>Plot summary:(WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS!) In a distance future where mankind has reached the age of terraforming planets, one particular planet known as Jerra has been devastated by a civil war between the the Jerran resistance(the "regular army") and the Nexrum Army, an army organization that opposes Earth government over all the terraformed planets. At one time, the regular army was getting their a**es handed to them in battle so much that they ended up making genetically engineered supersoliders known as the Most Dangerous Soliders(MDSs) to fight back against the Nexrum army's attacks. One of the MDSs, Geist, was TOO good in the art of war. The second and most dangerous MDS, Geist was considered too unstable to be put in society, thus bringing his imprisonment on an orbital sattelite to never be seen again. Somehow, the orbital sattelite ended up crashing back to Jerra, setting Geist loose on the planet once again. Geist becomes the leader of a mercenary biker gang, and then joins a unit of the regular army to stop a doomsday program called the Death Force. The Death Force is an army of millions of robotic war machines that will kill humans indiscriminately, and they got less than 12 hours to stop the program. Col. Crutes, the leader of the regular army platoon, sets Geist up to be killed by a gigantic robotic sentry at the Death Force's base, but the colonel's plan to eliminate him has failed. Geist ends up defeating the robot sentry, kills the colonel in retaliation for him being the one that made the decision of putting him in an orbital sattelite, and reactivates the Death Force program after Colonel Crutes deactivated it to wreak havoc on the planet. The end!(END SPOILER)
>>Review: M.D. Geist is a cult classic among anime fans, despite how horrible it is, and I'm one of those fans. Geist's sole purpose in this film is to kill, and he does it with great gusto. In the film, you're lead to believe that Geist is the hero, but in reality, he's the film's truest villain. There's virtually no character development in this film. Any other character that even starts to show some character development is killed off on the spot. The English dubbing in this anime is painfully bad. The original Japanese voice acting wasn't anything special, but is light-years ahead of the American voice acting. The animation and character designs, albeit dated, are pretty good, and I love the '80s Japanese rock soundtrack in this film. M.D. Geist would have been better if the producers explored the M.D. Geist universe a hell of a lot more, but unfortunately, it seemed liked the producers didn't know where to go with this anime title. And Geist's mullet rules! Anyone who has seen this anime might notice that Geist bears a strong resemblance to Billy Idol. Hell, the mercenary biker gang boss that Geist kills looks like Stevie Wonder on steroids! In the end, M.D. Geist is a brainless anime OAV that is best enjoyed on a Saturday afternoon if there's nothing on TV and you have nothing to do.
>>My last 2 cents: If you think M.D. Geist is bad, then you should check out its sequel, M.D. Geist 2: Death Force. It's far worse than its predecessor.
>>My rating: 3 out of 10
Akumajo Dracula X: Gekka no Yasokyoku (1997)
The best Castlevania game EVER.
WARNING: MINOR SPOILERS HEREIN!
>>Pros: Unbelievably beautiful 2D graphics; great sound and gameplay
>>Cons: Corny voice acting; Richter Belmont(available via code) is extremely weak compared to Alucard
>>Plot summary: 5 years after the disappearence of Richter Belmont in Dracula's castle, the Count's half-fuman, half-vampire son Alucard awakes from his eternal slumber to stop his evil father from once again bringing demonic evil to the Earth.
>>Review: This is the first Castlevania game that I played and truly enjoyed. I wasn't really that good with the past Castlevania games; in fact, most of the time, I could only get far into the game by using Game Genies. However, with Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, I beat the game almost completely with only minimal help from mini-straegy guides in video game magazines. This game is so fun to play! You start out powered up to the max with your most powerful weapons, and then Death steals them from you! From then on, you have to search the entire castle getting your weapons back and gaining new powers while taking down Dracula's demonic minions. As far as 2D goes, Konami has never done so much better. The detail that went into making the graphics really stands out! As for the sound, Konami pumps out some of the best orchestral, rock, and jazz music that I've ever heard. What really sets Symphony of the Night apart from the past Castlevania games is that this is the first time that the hero is not a Belmont but Dracula's son(who made his first appearance in Castlevania 3: Dracula's Curse on the NES in 1990) who uses swords as opposed to the Belmont family's "Vampire killer" whip. As for flaws, the voice acting could have been a whole lot better. It's really not that big of a deal since you don't hear it that much(and I've heard far worse), but Konami could have improved on it. Also, there is a code that lets you play as Richter Belmont(like you do in the game's introduction), but Richter only lives on that energy bar and not HP like Alucard does, and he doesn't even come close to being as powerful as Alucard can get. Playing as Richter is for Castlevania fans who are really looking for a challenge. In short, Castlevania: Symphony of the Night is a great PlayStation title that no gamer should be without.
>>My rating: 10 out 10
>>My last 2 cents: If there's anyone here that's trying to find a copy of this game, I wish you luck, because they're out of print at most video game retailers. If you are lucky enough to get a copy, then I wish you the best at getting through it.
Hokuto no Ken (1986)
Fist of the North Star is quite possibly the most violent movie ever made.
WARNING: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS!
Pros: Beautiful and extremely graphic animation; great character
designs
Cons: The animation looks bad in some parts; the plot needs a little more development; this movie is not for the squeamish(it's EXTREMELY violent)
Plot summary: Near the end of the 20th century, the Earth has been devastated by a nuclear holocaust. The world became a hellish deathtrap where gangs and mutants kill the weak and each other for their neverending lust for power. However, there is one warrior that's trying to put a stop to all that. His name is Ken, and he is the true successor to the Fist of the North Star, a martial arts style so deadly that it destroys body parts from within. His best friend Shin, who is the Fist of the South Star(a martial arts style that attacks externally but is still pretty deadly nonetheless) decides to take Ken's girlfriend, Julia, as his own and has him put to death...or so he thought. Ken returns from the dead, saves and befriends 2 kids from being killed by ruthless thugs, and sets out to stop his enemies and get Julia back.
Review: This is one of my favorite anime movies. I had first saw this on TV one night(heavily edited, of course) a few years back, and I had no idea how violent the movie really was. Then there comes this one day that I decide to check it out from Blockbuster. I'm going to say agian that this movie is not for the squeamish and for children, because it contains extremely graphic violence and brutality. Death is the majority of what this film has to offer, and it's not pretty. Even though this was made in 1986, a whole of effort went into the animation. I give a lot of credit to Toei Animation for going all out to make this movie look beautiful as much as violent. As for the character designs, it seems like the characters in this movie work out at Gold's Gym on a daily basis. I mean, the male characters and this film look like they can benchpress tons while the women look like Amazons! There were parts in the animation where the extremely violent scenes were edited by this "blur" effect, making it hard to see how the person got killed. There were also parts in the film where characters looked like the size of Godzilla without any good explanation. The story itself could have been worked on little better, too. The producers tried to cram the entire manga/TV series into one big 2-hour movie a la Akira, and there was no way it could properly be done. I don't claim to know everything about the Fist of the North Star franchise, but it would have been a little better if they explained more of the Fist of the North Star universe. With all flaws aside, Fist of the North Star is good action anime movie to watch, as long as you can handle the violence.
My last 2 cents: HBO made an live-action, "original movie" version of this a few years back, and from what I've seen of it, it's horrible and nothing like the anime film. At least the original anime film version of this stays true to the series unlike HBO's pile of dog s*** they'd dare call a movie.
My rating: 6 out of 10
Grand Theft Auto III (2001)
Ever wanted to go out and commit violent, amoral acts of crime but was smart enough not to? If so, pop Grand Theft Auto 3 into your PS2 and check your brain at the door.
WARNING: MINOR SPOILERS!
>>Pros: Great graphics; good story and voice acting; nonlinear gameplay
>>Cons: Characters don't look so good up close; the controls could have been a little better; if you're playing a rental copy, you might experience some graphic and gameplay problems
>>Plot summary: Grand Theft Auto 3 takes place in the fictional city known as Liberty City. In GTA 3, you play as an unnamed criminal who got screwed over by your girlfriend and partner to take the fall in a robbery. En route to going to prison, you and another character on the prisoner transport truck known as 8-Ball get set free by a group of other criminals whom intercept the transport. Now set free and on the run, you have to take up jobs for the Mafia and other criminal organizations in hopes of getting your revenge on the people that wronged you.
>>Review: WOW. That's the only word that you need to say when you play GTA 3. This game is a thug's wet dream -- you can steal cars(like the game title says), you can do drive-by shootings, and among other things, you can even bring the U.S. Army on your a**! Playing as criminal who is loyal to no one, you have to work your way up in the organizations' ranks by doing illegal jobs for them. The game's AI is a sight to behold, too. If you pick a fight with someone, you'll either beat them to death or they'll beat you to death. Pull a gun on them and they'll usually leave you alone. However, if you attack or kill someone out in the open, the cops will chase you. Speaking of which, depending on the wanted level you're in, the power of law enforcement will vary when you commit a crime. If you're smart, you DO NOT want to bring them down hard on you. Liberty City is divided into 3 islands -- Portland, Staunton Island, and Shoreside Vale -- and are totally nonlinear. However, you can only play on Portland at the begining of the game. The gameplay is pretty good, but kinda suffer when you're in combat. The game's storyline is both engulfing and comical, and the voice acting is pretty good, too. This game is rated M for Mature by the ESRB and it shows, so you might want to think twice before letting the young ones play it. And don't rent it! Buy it! Most rental copies of this game usually contain graphical and game errors, so it's best to put your $50 down at a retailer and own the game for yourself.
>>My last 2 cents: I never thought that GTA 3 would outdo Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty as the 2001 Game of the Year. Boy, was I wrong.
>>My rating: 10 out of 10
Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty (2001)
Just like its PlayStation prequel, Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty shows what the PlayStation 2 can really do when in the hands of the right developers.
WARNING: MINOR SPOILERS HEREIN!
>>Pros: Jaw-dropping graphics; great sound effects and music; a very good plot; voice acting is really good
>>Cons: You only play as Solid Snake 10% of the game; two many similarities to the first MGS; cut scenes seem to take forever
>>Plot summary: MGS 2 is divided into 2 chapters -- the Tanker Chapter and the Plant Chapter. The Tanker Chapter takes place 2 years after the events of the first MGS. Solid Snake and Otacon work for an NGO group known as Philantropy, and their job is to find and eliminate Snake's most feared weapon of mass destruction, Metal Gear, a nuclear warhead-equipped walking battle tank that can attack on any terrain at any distance. Snake and Otacon find out that there's a new Metal Gear model, known as Metal Gear Ray, being transported on a Marines ship disguised as an oil tanker passing by the Hudson River in New York, and it's up to Snake to infiltrate the ship and get proof of Ray. Unfortunately, a Russian terrorist group lead by Col. Surgei Gurlukovich and Revolver Ocelot(from MGS 1), intervene in hopes hijacking Ray. The Plant Chapter jumps ahead 2 more years in the game, in which you play as a rookie Fox-Hound agent codenamed Raiden. As Raiden, you have to infiltrate an offshore decontamination facilty named The Big Shell and stop a terrorist group lead by a man who claims to be Solid Snake. But this man can't be the same Solid Snake who stopped Metal Gear Rex back on Shadow Moses Island 4 years ago, right?
>>Review: In this day and age, it's very hard to top the first installment of a movie or video game series, but somehow, Hideo Kojima and his devolopment team pulled it off. Graphically, MGS 2 blows away its predecessor with jaw-dropping graphics and detail. Character designer Yoji Shinkawa shows what he can really do in the third dimension, and Hideo Kojima writes another kick-a** script to the Metal Gear Solid franchise. Hollywood has nothing on these people. Control wise, the controls are pretty much the same with some new and very useful techniques. You can now aim at your enemies in first-person view, making it easier to get a good shot on them. The game's AI is a vast improvment over its predecessor, too. If an enemy sees you, they'll call reinforcements on you that will make escaping very difficult. If you take out an enemy and they don't check back with with their friends on the walkie talkie, the group will get suspicious and check out the area that they were in when they didn't respond. Simply put, your best weapon to use in the game is stealth. If you try to take the enemies on out in the open like in a Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, you'll be dead sooner or later. MGS 2 also has its flaws. You only play as Snake 10% of the game, and the other 90% as Raiden. Raiden is okay to play with, but his feminine good looks and childish personality don't fit in with an MGS game. Fans of MGS 1 will also find some similarites to the first game that might turn them off. I'm not going to spoil the game for you, but when you get to Plant Chapter, you'll find out what. The game's story is well written but at times it seems to get a bit too philosophical and drags on and on. Otherwise, Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty is a great sequel that no video gamer should be without.
>>My last 2 cents: If you haven't played this game by now, then what are you waiting for? By the way, a "director's cut" version of this game will be out later this year for the Sony PlayStation and Microsoft X-Box called Metal Gear Solid 2: Substance.
>>My rating: 9 out of 10
Jeepers Creepers (2001)
Starts out good, but quickly becomes another cliched horror movie aimed at teens.
(WARNING: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS, SO PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.)
>>Pros: An edge-of-your-seat beginning; the protagonists are decent actors; a not-so-happy ending, which is a change in horror movies
>>Cons: The movie quickly sells out its originality for tired horror movie cliches; corny special effects; what the killer is and why it does what it does is never clearly explained
>>Plot summary: A brother and sister are traveling on a country highway from college on their way home to visit their parents. However, a mysterious, huge truck is right behind them, with the driver driving maniacally in hopes of getting the 2 to pass them. The driver finally passes them, and the 2 continue their trip down the highway. A little while later, they see the big truck again parked next to an abandoned church, and a mysterious man dumping bodies down a big sewer pipe. The mysterious man sees that they saw him, and tries to chase them. They escape the insane driver, and the brother, in a typical, cliched horror movie fashion, decides to go back and see what the man dumped down the pipe. The brother accidently falls downs the pipe, and finds a cellar filled to the brim with corpses taken apart and sewn back together. The brother escapes, but is scared beyond definition of what he witnessed. They try to go to the authorities, and as usual in this genre, are of no real help, and the killer is right on their tail. What the siblings don't know yet is that the killer isn't human at all; the killer is a humanoid demon that takes pleasure into eating and collecting human body parts.
>>Review: F*** it. I'm not even going to try this movie, as going through all the details of what's good and what's bad about this movie is a complete waste of time. Just read my pros and cons on this movie, because that's about as much as a movie review you're going to get from me on this bad horror movie. Luckily, I didn't pay for this rental from Blockbuster.
>>My last 2 cents: For a truly frightening experience, watch the Genocyber anime series.
>>My rating: 3 out of 10
The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999)
A decent sequel, though I haven't watched the original all the way through to compare the 2 movies.
(WARNING: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS, SO PLEASE READ AT YOUR RISK.)
THE RAGE: CARRIE 2(1999)
Developed and published by Metro-Goldwyn-Meyer/United Artists
>>Pros: A decent horror/drama movie for teens; people who like the theme of vengeance will like this movie
>>Cons: Over-the-top sterotypical and annoying teens; plot connection to the original is weak; the protagonist is not weak and extremely tormented like Carrie was in the original; the TV commercials pretty much gave away the movie; the sequel basically just copies the original film
>>Plot summary: Rachel Lang(Emily Bergl) is a teenage girl who had lost her mother as a little girl because of her mother's insanity of "the Devil being in her baby." Now in her senior year in high school, she witnesses the horror of her best friend, Lisa(Mena Suvari), commiting suicide by walking off the roof of the high school and landing face-first into the front window of a car. She kills herself because she gave up her virginity a jock named Eric(Zachary Ty Bryan), whom used her in a sadistic game of pleasure between fellow jocks. Sue Snell(Amy Irving) from the original Carrie returns as a guidance counselor to comfort Rachel in her loss of her best friend, but she finds out that Rachel has telekinesis, the same pyschic ability that Carrie White had: an ability that can become destructive under infuriation and emotional distress, and someting Sue witnessed live in her teen years. Rachel befriends a jock with a heart named Jesse(Jason London) and the two quickly become a couple. The "cool kids" don't like that, so they set Rachel up to look really bad, and you know what's happening after that...
>My review: First off, I want the readers of this review to know that I have not seen the original Carrie all the way through to compare the 2 movies, but I did like The Rage: Carrie 2. As a former teen who got picked on a lot in high school by my fellow peers and a person who likes stories that deal with revenge, I knew I had to check this movie out. The TV commercials pretty much gave away the whole movie, but I decided to go see the movie anyway. Except for Emily Bergl, the acting was pretty corny and not believable for a split second. The people in the gang of the cool kids were complete b**tards and b****es; you're supposed to hate them right away while sympathizing with Rachel all through the movie. Unlike Carrie White, Rachel was a strong female who could hold her own against the evil army of no-good teens, which I thought was cool but took away from the movie's tone. Sue Snell was the only real connection to the original, but she's mostly annoying. As for the violence, boy, are you in for the graphic depictions of vengeance! I won't go into the details for sake of spoiling the movie, but it does get a whole lot uglier than the carnage inflicted by Carrie. However, I did like the bitter end to the evil teens that caused Rachel a lot of pain.
My rating: 6 out of 10
My last 2 cents: Fans of the original will most likely hate it, but this was made to appeal to teens and young adults "of the new millenium" who have never seen the first one anyway.
I Got the Hook Up (1998)
Another bad No Limit movie, but light-years ahead of I'm Bout It.
I GOT THE HOOK-UP!(1997)
Developed by No Limit Films and published by Dimension Films
Pros:
>Unlike I'm Bout It, actual funding went into making this movie!
>A.J. Johnson, albeit annoying, is very funny.
Cons:
>Master P gives us more and even worse stereotypes on both black and white people than ever.
>No one in this movie, especially Master P, can act to save their lives.
Plot summary: Enter Black and Blue(Master P and A.J. Johnson), two black guys running a "ghetto shopping center"(you won't believe it until you see it) in South Central L.A. One day, a delivery truck filled with cell phones and pagers makes an accidental stop in their area, and Black tricks the deliverymen IN THE MOST IMPOSSIBLE WAY of selling him the goods. Black "hooks up" with his perverted on-and-off girlfriend Lorraine(Gretchen Palmer), who has a job at a cell phone company, and a guy that can illegally activate cell phone systems(Anthony Boswell). With everything set, Black and Blue go into selling cell phones. However, when chaos ensues through mixed-up receptions, Black and Blue find themselves on the run from angry customers, federal agents, and gang members.
Review: First off, let me inform you that this movie is put together like a live-action cartoon and never takes itself seriously, even when it wants to. All the characters in this movie are overly done stereotypes that are so bad that it hurts. However, there was a particular scene I thought was funny though offensive to the core: (SPOILER ALERT) the scene with Black and Blue getting shot at by handicapped gangbangers, with the leader saying retardedly, "B****! I'm'll bust a cap in yo' a**!(END SPOILER)" Also, no one in this movie can act, especially Master P. All he ever does is stupid things in a Southern accent while flashing his gold teeth. The only person in this film that remotely tries to act is A.J. Johnson, though he is basically all mouth in the spirit of Chris Tucker. This movie starts with a unoriginal plot but then quickly gets off the plot and tries to be too many things at once, putting another flaw on this extremely flawed movie.
My final 2 cents: Watch it 3 times in your life, and never make any contact with this film again.
My rating: 3 out of 10
I'm Bout It (1997)
Master P is a no-talent soldier
I'M BOUT IT(1997)
Developed & published by No Limit Films
>>Pros: Absolutely none
>>Cons: I don't even know where to begin!
Plot summary: Master P plays a drug dealer that looks, talks, and acts more like a live-action cartoon character. That's all the plot I got out of this movie.
Review: I remember back when I was in the ninth grade during its release and everyone in my class praised this clown called Master P. This movie is so bad, it's not even funny. All the characters in this film are extremely tired stereotypes, the audio is only audible when music plays, and the movie looks like it was videotaped off a public access channel. Luckily, I didn't buy this film like all my other inner-city degenerate classmates.
My rating:1 out of 10
My verdict: Avoid this video like its a sexually-transmitted disease.