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Reviews
The Ring (2002)
Calling it a "pathetic waste of good film" would be kind...
*SPOILERS* Oh holy Lord, my job is going to be to save some of you the wretchedness of this movie... IT MAKES NO SENSE! I was hoping it all would come together in the end... nope, never did. It left me with quite a collection of unanswered and unanswerable questions such as... Who made the tape? Where did the tape come from? Why did Mr.Morgan wait 20-something years to kill himself? Why did he find in necessary to plug every appliance in the house into one socket in the bathroom? Wouldn't have sitting in a tub with a toaster done the same thing? Why did the horse go crazy on the boat? What did that scene have to do with the rest of the movie? Why, if her daughter was "all she ever wanted," did Anna Morgan throw a bag over her head and toss her into a well? What was the deal with the nosebleeds? Why was this considered a horror movie? By the time the creepy little girl (whom they pulled straight from "The Exorcist") crawled out of the TV, I had to laugh. The girl sitting next to me called everything before it happened. It was the most predictable, boring piece of {expletive deleted here} I have ever had the misfortune of viewing. And the thing that still nags me about it is the well. The Morgans lived on the island all their lives, and Anna Morgan killed her daughter there. Therefore, one would assume the well was on that island. It shows the main character driving back from the island to that log cabin in the woods ON THE MAINLAND and then they find the well under one of those cabins... did the well migrate? Apparently so. Or were the editors just too dumb to catch such a mistake? This movie ripped off three other horror movies (that I counted). The little girl from "The Exorcist", the little creepy genius boy from "The Omen" and the fingernails in the well (from the girl trying to climb out), they didn't even bother change anything about that. It was ripped STRAIGHT from "Silence of the Lambs". Hmm, interesting... all the movies they stole from were REAL horror movies. The only thing that was relied on to hold this movie together was the jump-out-at-you parts. Even those didn't make me jump... I dunno, maybe I'm just not easily scared. Oh, and another thing? Why did the little boy lay into his mother about "helping" the little girl? He was going on and on about how she's going to keep killing people now. Wasn't she gonna keep killing anyway? What difference would it make if she was "free"? And what was the deal with the fly? Can we say "desperate attempt to try and make this movie have some sort of creepy element so maybe the viewers will overlook the lack of plot"?
Longshot (2001)
Brought tears to my eyes...
And not in a good way. This was one of the most painful movies I've ever had to endure. Me and my friend rented it to see all the cameos (Yeah, I'm a pop music fan, I admit it. And I'm in college, not 13!). We ended up fast forwarding until all the cameos because those were the only things worth watching. The acting was pitiful, the plot was incoherent, and don't get me started on the screenplay. Don't waste your time, please...
On the Line (2001)
Oh, it hurts...
Ouch... being an NSYNC fan, I was hoping that some miracle would make this film worthwhile... I never believed in miracles, anyway. This was nearly painful to sit through and the only thing that kept me there was Joey Fatone, cause quite frankly, he's gorgeous. The only truly enjoyable parts of this atrocity of a film was when Joey got on stage and sang Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me" and the very very end where Chris and Justin are acting blatantly gay. Anyway, if you can endure the torture of it all just for the 2 cute guys, go for it, but otherwise, don't waste your time. Use that hour and a half of your life on something that contributes to society. Luckily, Joey redeemed himself and proved his acting abilities in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". Thank goodness. On a positive note, "On the Line" would make a great torture device if you're trying to get something out of someone.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
I'm Speechless
I have no idea where to begin. The is movie is sheer... genius. Made on, I would guess, a $100 budget, this movie is a classic. The coconuts being banged together for horse effects is hilarious, along with practically every other thing in this movie. You see something new and hysterically funny every time and reciting it to people never gets old (although it can be quite annoying to the person you're subjecting to it if they've never seen it). It never stops being funny. Kinda like parking a car in the handicapped spot at a packed store and saying to your friend "I'll park here, you get out and limp." (No offense to anyone out there, it's a joke.) Anyways, I highly recommend this movie if you're truly looking for a good laugh... 11/10
Crossroads (2002)
surprising
I went and saw this movie opening night (there was nothing better to do. That's what you get for living where I live). I went in expecting a pile of (expletive deleted here) and came out really quite surprised. I have seen worse movies ("On The Line", for example, and I'm an NSYNC fan). The storyline is a bit predictable, but nonetheless enjoyable and there are some dramatic and surprising elements. Spears' beauty radiates from the screen and though she's not the best actress, she put Mariah Carey to shame. "Glitter" makes "Crossroads" look like "Gone With the Wind". Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, "Crossroads" is definitely not Oscar material but enjoyable if you're looking for a fun, chick-flick style movie. 6 out of 10.
Plan 9 from Outer Space (1957)
I'm speechless
The worst movie ever made, but great because of it. If you want to laugh your butt off, watch this classic... the scenes switch from night to day regularly, the "spaceships" are hubcaps attached to fishing wire, and best of all, the directing is AMAZINGLY bad. The cop in the graveyard scene (with the cardboard tombstones) holds his finger on the trigger of a "loaded" gun, then proceeds to pick his teeth with the barrel, tip his hat with it, and point it at his deputies while giving them instructions... it's incredible. It makes you wonder if Ed Wood really meant for this to be a serious movie.
The Blair Witch Project (1999)
Two hours of my life I will never get back.
This was possibly the most hyped-up movie ever, yet it was TERRIBLE. I sat in the theater the whole two hours just waiting for something scary to happen. The only thing I got out of this movie was motion sickness. I just kept looking at my best friend to see her reaction and she was nearly asleep. The actors couldn't go half a minute without letting loose a string vulgarities strong enough to make sailors cringe. I wasted most of my popcorn by throwing it at the screen in disgust. It was definitely the most-wasted $8 of my life. This movie's only redeeming value was the previews at the beginning and everyone finally dying at the end (big scary shocker there!)