Listen_to_the_Law Reviews

Liz & Dick (2012 TV Movie)

Not that bad, but definitely not that good either

[6/10 · 19 February 2013]

There may be some bias in my review, because I am a big Lohan fan, but I thought she did a fine job as Liz Taylor.

On the other hand, it's definitely not her best performance, but there are moments when she does a great job, more towards the end when she's playing the older Taylor.

The script is terrible, however. The movie jumps all over the place and almost seems more like a bunch of sketches. There is little to no time to actually get into the movie.

Overall, unless you're a LL fan or just very curious how this went, I wouldn't recommend it. Still, you can do worse.

Rush Hour 3 (2007)

The best tandom in movies is back

[7/10 · 6 October 2007]

Jackie Chan and Hollywood's highest paid actor Chris Tucker are back for Rush Hour 3, the probable end to the action/comedy trilogy that has spanned nine years. If you have never experienced any of the Rush Hours, I highly recommend you do. All of them deal with Chinese triads, lots of kung fu fighting, and pretty ladies. The combination of Chan's fighting skill and Tucker's high-pitched voice shouting obscenities and the like make all the movies an enjoyable experience.

Unlike previous installments, Rush Hour 3 takes place in Paris, France. The Eiffel Tower scene at the end of the movie is the only real part that takes advantage of France. The movie's roots are in Japan, so there is a high amount of Japanese influence in Rush Hour 3. Lee and Carter do there thing here like they normally do. And what do you know, I'm out of time! Obviously I recommend this movie- it's fun for all ages and genders! Good) Lead stars are back, good moments/fights Bad) doesn't have that extra "kick" that Rush Hour 2 had Kifiltafish) What the hell is this airliner dish that Carter is so fond of?

Good Luck Chuck (2007)

Fun sex Comedy

[7/10 · 1 October 2007]

Good Luck Chuck (GLC) is certainly one of the more low-brow movies of the season. On paper, GLC seems to have most things going in it's favor: it stars stand-up comedian Dane Cook and the very attractive Jessica Alba. GLC by all means is not a poor movie; I just feel like, with some better writing, the movie could've had more sophisticated laughs. GLC was good for what it was-- a raunchy sex comedy with laughs sprinkled here and there.

The plot of GLC is intriguing yet simple: women find their true love once they sleep with Chuck (played oddly well by Cook). When women find out about this "curse/charm", they try to hook up with him, have sex, and then leave. It's a loose-win-win-loose. Or something like that. When Chuck meets a girl named Cam (Alba) at a wedding, he realizes that he loves her…so much, in fact, that he wants to sleep with her. (And who wouldn't?) Problem- if Chuck sleeps with Cam, he will loose her forever.

GLC does a good job of going about how to end the curse. The best (and perhaps most vile) way Chuck tries to reverse the curse is by sleeping with a acne-filled 600 pound woman. She eats garbage bags stuffed with donut holes and eats lobster legs faster than any human could. This woman's facial expressions while Chuck and her are eating are quite humorous…and disturbing. The sex scene? Let's just forget about that…it's beyond gross, even though it doesn't show much. If it were more revealing, the movie would be rated NC-17.

I enjoyed GLC. Sure, director Mark Helfrich is a poor man's Tom Shadyac, and Cook is a poor man's Jim Carrey. But in all honesty, nearly every comedian comes up short when compared to Carrey. Dane Cook is a good actor. Sure, at times he comes off as stale, but he has clever facial expressions and made the most of the script here. Reviews are not going to help GLC (eyeball the 19/100 on metacritic.com and that awful 3/100 on rottentomatoes.com). Do yourself a favor and ignore the critics (once again) and watch GLC. It's silly, perverted fun.

Good) some good laughs, surprisingly disgusting Bad) surprisingly disgusting, not all that deep

Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)

Alice and the fight scenes are fantastic. The rest? Not so much

[7/10 · 23 September 2007]

I should make clear the fact that I have yet to see the first and second Resident Evils. The movie trilogy is based off the popular and critically-acclaimed video game series, of which I am a foreigner to also. So, this review is written by someone who has zero knowledge of any previous story lines in the series. Everything I now know about Resident Evil -it's characters, story lines, and everything else- is based off of what I learned watching Extinction.

With that being said, I thought Extinction was a very entertaining movie. The story follows Alice (Jovovich), a genetically-enhanced woman as she and a band of other remaining humans try to survive through attacks from millions of zombies. Where did all the zombies come from? In the first Resident Evil, the Umbrella Corporation let loose a deadly virus that infects all people and, once the people are infected, turns them into flesh-craving zombies. The infected aren't just humans though- animals (including crows and dogs) are susceptible to the virus and can thus be infected and changed into dangerous creatures. All this begs the question: who on the decaying Earth can stop the paranoia? Enter Alice, the woman who was genetically altered by the mad scientists of the Umbrella Corp. Alice is essentially a super-human; she can generate force fields and has ridiculous strength. After avoiding all human contact, Alice eventually runs into the group of people who are doing their best to survive but could obviously use some help. With most of their attempts failing and time running out, the group (somehow) learns that Alaska is the only safe zone left on the planet. They can only get there once they pass through Las Vegas (I don't get it either). However, they get sidetracked and end up in some pretty intense fights with the living dead.

These fights are sporadic but pick up towards the end of the movie. They are really intense, and the zombies on the receiving ends of the attacks are absolutely destroyed. Blood spurts and flies as bullets pierce heads, arms, limbs, etc. While her crew doesn't add much to the fights, you best believe Alice does her part: she is a complete bad ass slashing through zombies with that piercing stare from her ice-cold blue eyes. Classic lead females Ellen Ripley and The Bride came to mind as I watched Alice. In a recent IMDb.com poll with 21,683 votes, users were asked to vote on which female (Ripley, Alice, or Sarah Conner) they would most want to protect them. Ripley won with 39% of the vote, but second place went to Alice, with 22%. As you can see, I'm not her only fan.

You'll notice I'm not talking about the supporting cast. Well, to be honest, there isn't much to say about them: they add little to the story and have very generic roles. They come off more as enhancer talent for Alice.

I plan on renting the first two in the series now so I can more thoroughly understand the series. I liked the ideas and the action, and especially the lead heroine. Extinction was rough around the edges, but at it's core was a solid movie which was loads of fun to watch.

Good) Jovovich owns the movie as Alice, very intense action sequences Bad) story is all over the map, supporting cast offers little to nothing

The Bourne Ultimatum (2007)

Smart and Gripping

[8/10 · 23 September 2007]

The Bourne Ultimatum is the third and final outing for super-spy Jason Bourne, a man who is out to kill the people who made him into a killer. The Bourne series is one of the highest regarded trilogies by critics (Ultimatum has an 85/100 on metacritic.com, meaning it's status is "universal acclaim) and for good reason- the fighting is choreographed very well and the deep story can be very engrossing.

First, I highly advise you watch The Bourne Identity and The Bourne Supremacy, the two fancy-titled prequels to Ultimatum. There may be three different movies, but in reality they are all a continuance of one another: missing one leaves you stranded and confused, just like I was. You will still be about to enjoy the action and fight scenes of Ultimatum if you missed the first two, but then the story will definitely lead to some confusion.

If you were lucky enough to view the prequels to this movie, you probably had a treat watching Bourne take down his enemies and track down the man who screwed him from Supremacy. Jason Bourne is played very well by Matt…Damon. Damon does nothing to deserve an Oscar nod, but his work here is good enough to hold it's own. Bourne's adventures take place in many different cities; the cities are all varied enough to keep the movie from becoming bland at times. The agency tracking Bourne takes advantage of every technological tool known to mankind to track him down.

I won't go into detail on the characters because they are continuations off of the first two movies. However, it wouldn't hurt the movie to spell a few things out for the audience- not every viewer is a die-hard movie watcher who can pick up on every little hint about story development. Ultimatum wouldn't have been harmed at all if the story was a little more up front.

It seems most people agree that Ultimatum was a success of a film: the movie opened to $69 million, and -box office total now is up to $216 mil- is currently still going very strongly for a movie that has been in theatres since August 3. It's the best action movie I've seen since Live Free or Die Hard.

Good) Damon is solid but not spectacular, very smart movie Bad) Story is like many others

Doom (2005)

It's okay...but nothing special

[5/10 · 2 September 2007]

I don't care what movie it is, what genre…if there is a poor storyline (or lack there of), the film will suffer. A great lead character and intriguing enemies won't matter if the story and writing are poor. That is Doom in a nutshell.

Now hold on to your fists- I did enjoy parts of the film. Taking place on Mars is cool…if it actually had anything to do with it! The whole film is set in a tubular sector beneath the surface of the red planet. Basically, Doom could've been set in Lino Lakes and we wouldn't have noticed. While none of the killing scenes are done as well as those in the Alien series (which Doom has been compared to…somehow), there are still a few good monster-kills-idiot scenes.

The Rock does yet another killer job in a movie, playing a Sarge. He delivers all his lines with great enthusiasm, and is the only actor who is noticeable, either due to bland actors/actresses or just bad character development (which there was none of, except for The Rock!) Overall, I'd watch Doom if you enjoy movies that are meant to be kick-ass scary, but aren't. Heavy metal music during so-called "scary" scenes doesn't work. Not that it's bad, it just seems out of place.

Good) The Rock, some of the enemies Bad) AWOL story, underdeveloped side characters, not using Mars more Cheap bad story cover up) The director thought that blood and guts will get our attention away from the "story." Nope, just a bad idea.

The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)

Hilarious movie spoof from genius director Zucker

[9/10 · 2 September 2007]

There would be no Scary Movie's had it not been for Naked Gun. The movie that started the unofficial spoof genre is by far a classic when it comes to comedy movies. And all of that can be traced to one man: Lieutenant Frank Dreblin (Nielsen).

I feel I should spend more time talking about Nielsen's character Dreblin: he is the perfect character for a comedy movie: dumbly smart, arrogant, and hilarious. The facial expressions are priceless; you can't describe this type of humor. You simply have to experience it.

True hilarity comes from Naked Gun: it has that clever humor where you know the writers and actors aren't overdoing it. While not all of the jokes were perfect, none of them were annoying. Now how many comedies can claim that? Naked Gun is the perfect example of humor that I love. I mean it when I say this: you have got to watch this movie!

Spider-Man 2 (2004)

Slow at times, yet fun throughout

[8/10 · 2 September 2007]

Alright...I thought the movie director (whoever the heck he is) did a great job combining different types of movies into one (Comedy, Action, Drama). And unlike some other movies, he sewed them together, not taping them together. My favorite character would have to be the mad scientist (humor at times, funny robotic arms), or the head of the newspaper guy ("if promises were crackers, my daughter would be fat!").

Overall, this is a movie that shouldn't be missed by anyone. At first, I didn't really want to go, because all the first flick was was fighting and "believing." But the second take really is a charm! It's certainly better than the 3rd.

Shrek 2 (2004)

Such a fall from Grace...

[3/10 · 2 September 2007]

I guess those of you who live in Minnesota can call me another Dan Bararreo- very negative. But I just don't see how Shrek 2 is funny. Oh yeah, a stupid ginger man slides down a rope. Ha Ha...And who cares if it makes references to other movies? The cat had catnip. The gingerbread man screams "it's alive!!" The retard who should merry Fiona is basically humping the Fairy Godmother from behind during that stupid musical. Honestly, stay the *^$&%$ away from the 2 giant frogs, the lost cat who put on boots (wow), and the retarded godmother. But Donkey was funny! Everything else sucked.

Good) Donkey Returns

Bad) So do all the other characters

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)

Director Curion is breathtaking

[8/10 · 2 September 2007]

I really enjoyed watching the first 2 Pothead movies, so I got used to some stuff from the book to be left out. But this movie left out too much. What they should do is put out 2 parts of this movie, and make you see the first part first. That would work perfectly. Overall, a good movie!

List of Negatives: • Hagrid's cabin isn't down that big hill. • Harry receives the broomstick in the middle of the book, but the movie has him getting it at the end. • A leaf falls, and more nature scenes. They're nice, but have nothing to do with the movie. • The Knight Bus never had that stupid talking head in the book.

The Out-of-Towners (1999)

Vastly Underrated

[7/10 · 2 September 2007]

The Out-of-Towners is one of the better comedies I have seen. With a stellar (but not Oscar-worthy) cast, the Out-of-Towners is a classic to me. Acting in terms of Martin and Hawn (they play a stressed-out, overdue married couple who's kids have been sent to college) is good, but not spectacular. Martin is talented, (as he shows here), but he cannot carry a film by himself, which is where John Cleese comes in. Cleese is a uptight, cross-dressing hotel manager with a presence that takes the movie to the next level. This is a movie that is helped by its directing and writing, as many of the funny moments (which are clever and well thought-out) should be credited to the writers more so than the stars. This and Bringing Down the House are the best Steve Martin films I have seen since Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.

Hairspray (2007)

Fun Musical with a Great Ending

[7/10 · 2 September 2007]

I don't really like singing, and dancing is kind of pointless to me. However, Hairspray has a lot of charm to it, even if sometimes through the movie your mind starts to wander. Allow me to throw some phrases out there so you can familiarize yourself with Hairspray: John Travolta playing a woman in a fat suit; Travolta ripping off a robe to bear "her" legs in the fat suit while dancing; and "pleasantly plump" Tracy Turnblad (Blonsky, the teenage dancing phenom) smacking her butt to the beat. Here's my stance on that: those parts are disturbing, yet the movie is so happy-go-lucky that it doesn't matter.

Hairspray takes place in Baltimore, Maryland, back in the early 1960s. Racism is strong here, and so is the desire to dance. (I don't know why either, so don't ask me.) The teenagers all flock to the set of a local dance show, managed by Velma Von Tussle (Michelle Pfeifer), an evil, manipulative woman who does all she can -which includes cheating and threats- to make sure her daughter, Amber (Brittany Snow) wins all the dancing contests. Tracy, along with her cute friend Penny (Amanda Bynes), meet up with a few other dancers and decide to make it onto Von Tussle's dancing show no matter what. However, it wont be easy with Von Tussle in charge. Enter Motormouth Maybelle (Latifah), the African-American answer to Von Tussle, except nicer and a better dancer. Maybelle is widely popular, and with some white folk on her side, she has the power to challenge Von Tussle at her own little game.

Hairspray is about as happy a movie as you can find. Even when Von Tussle is at her worst, the movie remains positive. Tracy is always smiling, dancing, singing, and so on. Sometimes she can get creepy with all that cheerfulness. Looking at her and Travolta is just downright odd for two hours, especially with those always happy, clown-like expressions they wear.

The music of Hairspray is all poppy and upbeat, with many of the songs having chorus voices backing them up. Some are annoying, but you cannot doubt "You Can't Stop the Beat" as being a great song. Nearly every song is catchy, which I guess could be a good or bad thing.

Musicals will never be up there with other genres of movies I enjoy more. Hairspray, however, was a fun movie that was well put together. The pace was kept up via appropriate doses of humor and charm, and the movie ends perfectly with "You Can't Stop the Beat." Remember, it's always important for a movie to go out with a bang, and Hairspray does just that.

Good) very catchy songs, mostly good acting Bad) Travolta ripping off the robe, some boring parts, some dancing parts

I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry (2007)

Another funny outing from Sandler

[7/10 · 2 September 2007]

Chuck & Larry -the characters and the movie- made me laugh. It's the typical Sandler movie- director Dugan was worked on countless Sandler projects, there is at least one hot girl (in this case, Jessica Biel who plays a easily turned-on lawyer), and the immature sense of humor that Sandler and James make work.

The plot, which is basically the opposite of The Birdcage, deals with two New York firefighters, Chuck (Sandler) and Larry (James), who are as straight as can be. However, with Larry's wife dead and his kids needing health care, Larry goes as far-out as to suggest that that fake a gay partnership in order to get free child benefits. In order to be taken seriously, Chuck and Larry team up with Alex (Biel), a curvy and intelligent lawyer who handles cases like this. That's pretty much the story. The movie has jokes that intertwine with it, yet there is no part of the movie that I would call a "laugh-riot." The chuckles come and go quite frequently, with most of them being attributed to the good chemistry that Sandler and James have with each other. Some of the best laughs came from Larry's apple suit he wears to the gay nightclub, Larry's annoying nanny/babysitter in bed, and Chuck and Larry attempting to "gay up" their home to pass inspections. Chuck & Larry is a very fun yet forgettable movie.

Good) Pace keeps the movie going, some funny moments Bad) Nothing special, no moments to send you into hysterics

Transformers (2007)

Great Sci-Fi Movie with Little Soul

[8/10 · 2 September 2007]

I'll admit it- this Transformers review is more than a month overdue. Certain details will not be discussed here due to my memory simply forgetting about them. But then again, is it humanly possible to forget the experience you had after watching Transformers? The movie featured everything- giant robots duking it out, a Secretary of Defense who can wield a gun well, the obnoxious Anthony Anderson, and a funny cheap shot at the President. What's not to love? Well, the lead characters for one. Shia LaBeouf plays Sam, a semi-geeky teenager who is just like everyone else- he wants a car, gets moderately good grades, and wants to get a girlfriend (the way he tries to get a GF, however, is not like everyone else). After getting good enough grades to warrant him a used car of his choosing, Sam and his dad go to a car dealership to pick out a ride. Sam feels a connection between himself and a heavily-used Chevy Comero, which turns out to be a robot in disguise. Soon thereafter, Sam meets a hot girl named Mikaela (Fox), a name that's more sophisticated than her character. She is, however, a brunette, so something's gone array. Sam and Mikaela have the stereotypical relationship where the guy tries all he can for the girl, who eventually falls for him.

Now it's not like any of that really matters. The movie is all about the giant robots, even though the Sam:robot on screen ratio is nearly equal. The major draw for the movie is the Transformers, and they sure as hell deliver. Michael Bay, in typical good fashion, wastes little time in introducing the main players. After the Decepticons (the evil robots) attack an American base over in Iraq, Secretary of Defense John Keller (played magnificently by Jon Voight) alerts the nation on the problem and the bizarre situation at hand. Working under Keller are many people, including a blonde woman, to whom I ironically forget the name of. Anyways, she takes the invasion seriously, and investigates is illegally with her adviser Anthony Anderson! Meanwhile, to sum things up, Sam's car morphs into Bumblebee, an Autobot (the good robots). Not soon after, the rest of the Autobots come down to earth, led by Optimus Prime, a kick-ass version of Arnold Schwarzenegger, only in robot form. From here on, the Autobots and Decepticons wage war on each other. Both "races" of robots are trying to locate a cube, which holds the power to their world. Be warned: the fights feature some of the most incredible special effects you have likely ever seen. The showdown at the end of the movie is pure mastery.

Transformers has been in release now for more than seven weeks, and it's domestic gross is over $300 million to date. That puts it on an elite list with Spider-man 3, Shrek the Third, and Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End as being the movies of 2007 that have reached that mark. Inflation, you may say? Correct, yet $300 mil is still something to brag about. That money can be drawn to the great effects in the movie and the mostly spot-on sense of humor the movie has (Sam ain't funny, everyone else is). I highly recommend seeing this blockbuster.

Good) Ridiculous effects, amazing robot on robot fight scenes Bad) Lead humans: not necessary & annoying, sometimes poor script Anthony Anderson) Is he not in every movie out there?

Sunshine (2007)

Piece of Art

[8/10 · 2 September 2007]

After watching Sunshine, it's pretty easy to call it a sci-fi piece of art. The movie takes place 50 years from present time, a time when the sun is dying and thus civilization is dying with it. There is one way to save it, however-- by sending a massive bomb into the sun's core, the sun will reignite it and start functioning well again. Sunshine reminds me of The Core, the 2003 sci-fi thriller about the core of the earth failing and bombs re-boosting it. Sunshine is a very gripping and odd movie, hence it being a very good (albeit unsuccessful) sci-fi movie. Too bad Fox totally dropped the ball on marketing (next to nothing in commercials, an extremely low box-office total), because this movie could've been something successful.

The cast, although not as diverse as in Aliens, is well acted and each character comes off as being a real person. Humans make mistakes, and director Danny Boyle (28 Weeks Later) knows that. That is one of the reasons as to why this mission to the sun starts to falter and go wrong. But admit it- a director would have to out of his or her way to make a "disaster" movie flop. That's why Boyle takes things many steps further: the ship carrying the team to the sun, Icarus II (stupidly titled if you consider the Greek myth), is a technological wonder with a great build. The way the crew reacts to the sun and the effect the sun has on them is enjoyable. The twists and creepy moments later on in the movie are gripping and clever. Without giving too much away, I should mention that the movie gets very intense and keeps on coming at you until the climax. Sunshine is an example of a brilliantly-paced movie. The good soundtrack helps too. Seriously, do yourself a favor and rent of buy Sunshine when it comes out on DVD.

Good) builds strongly to the climax, great mix of sub-genres, nice effects Bad) slightly boring at beginning with a small confounding storyline choice

No Reservations (2007)

Good for what it is

[6/10 · 2 September 2007]

No Reservations is a "dramady"- a dramatic story with a few comedic touches, hence the make-believe genre. The movie, which is lightheartedly fun, handles itself well. It follows a temperamental cook named Kate, (Zeta-Jones) and her struggle to cope with loosing her sister in a car crash. Her sister is survived by her daughter Zoe (Breslin), so naturally Kate mothers her. Kate, being the controlling and bossy cook that she is, abuses her powers so her boss brings in a new cook, Nick (played by Eckhart). They fight, they get together, etc. It's cute, I assume, but not quite all that interesting. The best parts of the movie are the scenes in the kitchen of the restaurant, where all the drama and arguments are happening.

You'll enjoy No Reservations if you like the topic of food cooking and the struggles of raising a child. It's not quite my cup of tea, but I thought it was fine for what it was.

Good) Zeta-Jones does well, setting of restaurant is intriguing Bad) doesn't venture too far into the creative department, ending rushed

Evan Almighty (2007)

Overlooked fun movie

[8/10 · 30 July 2007]

How fun, how humorous, entertaining, and religiously funny is Evan Almighty? Once again, professional critics have missed the boat on a comedy. I go to the movies to have a good time…critics go to harshly critique. And truth be told, it is easier (for me, at least) to write negativity than positively. However, why rip apart a movie which is so genuinely fun to watch? Back in 2003, director Tom Shadyac (Liar Liar, Ace Ventura, Bruce Almighty- lots of Jim Carrey films) brought us Bruce Almighty, a subtle yet fun comedy that featured a god-hating man, Bruce Nolan (Carrey), and the help he eventually receives from God, played by Morgan Freeman. Carrey takes out his anger on fellow newscaster Evan Baxter (Carrell), who snubbed him out of the anchor position. All this leaves Baxter as a walking joke of a man, which is where Bruce Almighty leaves off at.

Some time more than four years must've past in between the movies for the character of Evan Baxter. From being an utter mockery after his joke-newscast in Bruce Almighty, Baxter begins Evan Almighty as a successful politician who is running for senator for the state of New York. His newly introduced (and very Hollywood-like) family support him fully with big fake smiles and very unnatural conversations and horrible dialogue. Something strange happens in the midst of all the good news for Congressman Baxter: messages of Genesis 6:14 start appearing wherever he goes or looks; a delivery man brings packages of wood to Baxter's home labeled as 614 Genesis; his alarm clock wakes him up at 6:14 AM; his new license plate reads GEN 614, and so on. (Incase you were unsure on what Genesis 6:14 is, it's a Bible verse about Noah's Ark.) It's good for a knee-slap or two. Or not. It will, however, bring a smile to your face. All of these odd events are topped off when Morgan Freeman appears in front of Baxter's house and explains just who he is: "I am God." "God" tells Baxter that he must build an ark and save the city from the flood. The more Baxter puts off the task, the more signs of the flood start occurring. Animals of all sorts follow him everywhere. In a cute little scene, nearly every species of bird fly into Baxter's office. When his associates open the door to his office, they see the birds and Baxter's reaction. Funny stuff. In addition to the animals, Baxter also grows irreplaceable facial hair. Try as he may via shaving, none of the hair goes away. Just as a warning, prepare for some funny metro sexual jokes. Perhaps the funniest scene is when Baxter is delivered what appears to be torn robes. Donning them, Baxter resembles a cross between Noah and Jesus. He is a laugh-riot, even if you're not exactly laughing out loud.

Evan Almighty is, at $175 million, the most expensive comedy ever. As one could guess, most of that money goes towards the high count of animals in the movie and the ending scene. With a budget like that, you would expect a crazy amount of special effects. We only get a few, if you don't count the real life animals. Thankfully, the movie didn't seem to be lacking without the excess effects. With an opening weekend of $32.1 million, it seems that the movie isn't on track to earn any money in return, which is a shame. Come on, people! Evan Almighty is fun in its on way, and is a movie that I would definitely recommend.

Good) Carrell absolutely owns the screen, lots & lots of animals Bad) a bit immature at times, generic family painful to watch

The Simpsons Movie (2007)

It has it's moments, but it has nothing on the old shows

[5/10 · 30 July 2007]

Might it be time to retire the Simpsons? The first ever Simpsons TV episode (which aired on the day I was born) would be followed by 400 + more, with lots of laughs following suite. Then, around the year 1998, the show started a downslide, which included poor, cheap humor and a lack of creativity. The newer Simpsons episodes are littered with Homer hurting himself, Homer acting dumb, and toned down side characters. They all miss the charm of the good ol' days. Quite simply, The Simpsons Movie is an 87 minute TV show with hardly any of the layered and creative jokes from the past.

The story (which is tacky, by the way) deals with pollution and the effects of it. After carelessly dumping their pollutants and waste into Lake Springfield, the citizens of Springfield gather for a meeting, led by the usually unnecessary Lisa. However, this meeting is one of the funnier parts of the movie, mainly due to it's similarities with the Simpsons of old. After some debate, the town decides to clean up the lake and change their ways. In the meantime, Homer saves a pig from being killed and names it Spider-pig, complete with it's own "Spider-pig" tune. Yawn. Since the pig is a filthy animal, it (and Homer) store all of their waste in a silo about 15 feet all. Well, that silo has to go somewhere. The newly built safe garbage dump has a long line of cars blocking the entrance, so Homer goes to the nearest place to dump the waste- Lake Springfield. It's a funny move, and immediately gets the government's attention. President Arnold Schwarzenegger (yes!) hears the news from the suspicious head of the EPA and foolishly chooses to put a dome over Springfield. This pisses everyone off, and when the town finally discovers it was Homer's doing, they run him and his family out of town. (The Simpsons escape via a sinkhole, which grows and destroys their house in the process.) With Alaska as their destination, the Simpsons seem ready for some more laughs. However, that is not the case.

Many of the jokes in the movie can be seen coming from a mile away. They aren't like the old ones, which are clever and are followed up immediately by another funny joke (hence the term "layered"). That was one part of what made the Simpsons so great, yet it is completely lacking here. Many of the jokes feature Homer doing something dumb, and unlike the old shows when Homer doing something dumb was fresh and clever, the situation here has Homer doing the dumbest and most childlike things possible. The whole pig storyline blows and reeks of hopelessness (no pun intended). Lisa, who is no better here than she ever has been, falls in love with a fellow green-loving European kid. Next, please. Bart, who always does something humorous and against the rules, spends most of the movie…getting emotional and wishing he had a better dad, thus wanting to live with Flanders? Why? Maggie the baby is the one character here who seems to have the most charm. Her little impulses here and there lighten the monologue and bring a smile to your face.

Like always, The Simpsons benefit greatly from the vast array of characters in their universe. Although short, appearances by Krusty the Clown (with the new "Clogger" burger), Mr. Burns (evilly refusing to share electricity), and Mayer Quimby (usual self-centered but good-natured self) brighten the scene and are quite funny. Problem is, there's not enough of them. There's also not enough original creativity. Where is the feud between Mr. Burns and Schwarzenegger? Just imagine if it was revealed that Mr. Burns was behind all the pollution and bad-mouthed Arnold? Just think of all the Terminator references and macho stuff that would happen. What if Mr. Burns released the Hounds on Arnold, and Arnold ran away, yelling "I'll be back." That could've been a fun little side story. Sadly, the main story is all that there was.

Now, to be fair- this is The Simpsons, which is one of the funniest shows of all time. The movie knows it's basics, also- there are still the "shots" at FOX, the drunk Bart (which is worth a laugh or two), and Homer, who still has some of what made him so great in the start (even though he's a shell of his former self). You'd be a fool to ignore this movie; I recommend seeing it, but just don't get your expectations up too high.

Good) flashes of brilliance, practically every character makes an appearance Bad) clearly not as good as they once were, not enough of the side characters

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005)

Fun from start to finish

[7/10 · 30 July 2007]

What a fun, random, and free-spirited movie The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is. The story of Arthur Dent (Martin Freeman), a man who gets swept off the earth mere seconds before it's destroyed to make way for a high-speed universe transportation network, is random, to say the least. On his adventure, Arthur flees alien controlled ships and harmful alien-like creatures, and eventually lands on a stolen future space-y ship with Trillian (a woman who is his love interest), and Zaphod Beeblebrox, (Rockwell), the president of the universe who is a hilarious character. It was Beeblebrox who was unintentionally responsible for the destruction of the universe and the thievery of the ship, which makes you laugh with and at him all that much more. Throughout the movie, a narrative voice reads the story to us like a book, because the movie was made from a book. The whole thing is hard to explain-- it's like it's got this certain feeling to it that has to be experienced. The special effects are also used perfectly. Bottom line is that this is a very fun little film, but clearly there are people who wont like it because there isn't enough sex or violence. Sad.

Good) very fun, nothing like it, random (!) Bad) a bit too random, could've used more story development 42) The answer to life, according to Deep Thought, a titan-sized computer voiced by Helen Mirren

Fun with Dick and Jane (2005)

Carrey has his moments, but it's not his best

[7/10 · 30 July 2007]

Jim Carrey plays Steve Martin's role of a stressed out, very unlucky business man in Fun with Dick and Jane, a comedy about misfortunes and tricking your ex-boss/employers. The movie offers nothing new, but what's there works…a bit. Carrey is at his best when he's in a real panic, which happens as he tries to outfox his boss in the end of the movie. His wife is his partner in crime after the couple loose their house due to Carrey's business shutting down as the CEO desperately unloaded all his shares. However, the movie is streaky up to that point, with some very unnecessary crappy story lines (Carrey's child, on the street, etc.) that make you groan. It's stuff that we've already seen numerous times before. But, with Carrey in the leading role, the film is still fun to watch. You may not laugh at everything he does, but you will laugh at most of it.

Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003)

Like Nothing You're Ever Seen Before

[9/10 · 30 July 2007]

"In 2003, Uma Thurman will kill Bill." That's what the tagline was to this critically acclaimed film from cheesy-violence loving director Quentin Tarantino, which sums up the dry attitude of the movie perfectly. Nothing can prepare you for Kill Bill, a movie like none other.

The story follows The Bride (Thurman), a woman who has been backstabbed and nearly murdered by a group of assailants to whom she once associated herself with. There is a lot of background information given out throughout Kill Bill, with most of it told in a very imaginative and mesmerizing way courtesy of Thurman. With dialogue this interesting and gripping, it's hard to be bored at all through the entire duration of the movie. Back to the story: when The Bride was planning on getting married (hence her moniker), the entire church was bulldozed with artillery fire from the assailants. Everyone is murdered…except for The Bride, that is. She was near death, but her family members, her future husband, and her unborn child are all gone. The Bride is a woman with nothing on her mind now except for sweet (and very bloody) revenge.

Kill Bill, as it should be noted, is a very bloody and violent film. However, most of the violence is presented in a humorous/cheesy fashion, such as gazers of what appears to be a hose shooting out red kook-aid or the like. In telling the background on O-Ren Ishii (Liu), Thurman narrarates through a roughly 10 minute anime scene, showing how Ishii became a serial killer. This is really dumb, with pointless lines and some unnecessary violence that misses the boat completely. Plus, it's anime, which means it is just dreadful (in my opinion). I know some people like that art style and the unique storytelling, but I don't.

Overall, Kill Bill is to be missed by no one. The soundtrack varies to nearly every genre of music (with near-perfect results on all). Tarantino has shown that he is a master at his unique craft- the very intelligent yet simple movie.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007)

Not accurate to the book, but a great movie

[8/10 · 19 July 2007]

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Daniel Radcliffe, Imelda Staunton) Directed by David Yates Grade: B

How do you turn a 890 page novel into a 138 minute movie? Well, you can't. Try as they may, newbie director David Yates and his screenwriter omit a lot of important events and details from the book. I will not mention them, but, if you read the book, expect to be a little turned-off by some of their decisions. Some (myself included) think that Yates didn't truly understand the book, which would explain why some of the characters' actions in the movie seem odd. However, there is no doubting Yates' gift as an amazing director. The book is darker, and you better believe that Yates notices that. Everything from the dimly lit hallways of Hogwarts to Professor Snape (played brilliantly by Alan Rickman) seems enhanced, which can probably be attributed to Yates' vision.

But then again, some blame on the big screen adaptation can be placed on screenwriter Michael Goldenberg (eyeball his page on IMDb.com to learn about what he has done). He took over for Steve Kloves, the screenwriter for Harry Potter movies 1-4. Basically, he doesn't seem to understand the Potter books; leaving out so many important details can really hamper the film, especially for fools who don't read the books but watch the movies. But enough nagging: overall, the film is truly something. The more the movie progresses, the better it gets.

If you can go to the movie to enjoy it as a movie (not a book), you will enjoy it. There is a reason to the negative buzz from the midnight showing- you must be awake and attentive to enjoy this installment. There's a lot to take in, most notably the ongoing feud between Harry Potter and the Dark Lord, Voldemort. Even though the movie leaves out parts of the book, it still follows it…mostly. The movie follows Harry as he struggles once again to deal with the pressure and torment he receives from fellow students and Voldemort himself- this time through visions that Voldemort sends to Harry during his sleep. Remember at the end of book four, when Voldemort comes back to life? Well, only a select few people (obviously including Harry Potter) actually believe this. The Ministry of Magic (acting a lot like the current government of the United States) try their hardest to cover all this up, even going to the extent to try to expel Harry from Hogwarts. But none of these evil, cowardly acts can prepare you for Dolorous Umbridge, an evil, manipulative woman sent to Hogwarts by the Ministry to become the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. As the movie goes along, her power increases due to her being a "high inquisitor" and the like. Umbridge is played by Imelda Staunton, a very smart actress who relishes in the role of Umbridge. It's not just the fact that Umbridge is evil, it's also that little smile and look of innocence she gives people while dealing out punishment and harsh words. Quite simply, she's a movie critic! Kidding. Harry's godfather Serious Black is back again, which is, of course, good news. As I mentioned, Snape, too, is back, but none of these characters (except for Umbridge, Harry Potter, and the great Albus Dumbledore) get enough screen time.

Like I stated, the movie gets better as it goes along. The ending scenes involving the Dark Lord are truly something special. Try not to yawn or bitch about the middle of the movie being boring, because it sets up the ending well. Sure, I miss quiditch games and sunlight as much as the next guy (the movie has like zero of each), but for making the movie with such a dark tone, Yates has succeeded. Now it's time to get a better screenwriter…well, at least one who reads the book.

Good) fun special effects, great ending, strong performances from all characters over 20 years

Bad) doesn't have that Rowling magic, most characters under 20 years can't act worth a crap, too short

Oscar) the grapevine says that Imelda Staunton may get nominated for best supporting actress

Surf's Up (2007)

Painful to sit through

[3/10 · 2 July 2007]

What do you get when you blend boring characters, a overly-simple plot, and nice animation together? The answer is Surf's Up, an extreme disappointment of a movie that is not at all what it markets itself as. The trailer seemed to be targeting all ages (and genders, for that matter- a large penguin simulates sex with a surfboard!) by seeming to have a smart sense of humor and a "new" idea- surfing penguins. Now granted, movies starring penguins are nothing new or innovative, but that's not the problem here. There is far too much talking going on here, and most of it centers on useless "small talk" that isn't even relevant to the movie. The attempted jokes are a mess also, ranging from poop jokes to "the audience is dumb" jokes. Folks, there is nothing funny here.

The movie follows aspiring surfer Cody Maverick as he attempts to live up to the legacy of Big Z, a surfing legend who mysteriously disappeared. Many would think that a so-called surfing legend would be an entertaining guy, but Big Z is the exact opposite- boring, cliché, and unentertaining. To be quick, he is unintentionally over-the-hill. Cody's friend, Chicken Joe (Heder) is about as dumb as his name. He's unintelligent, he's a chicken…we get it. Every movie always has to have a brain-challenged side character, and Surf's Up is no exception. Eventually, young Cody starts acting all tough and challenges the current surfing champion to a competition. It is here that Cody meets a female lifeguard to whom he falls in love with. That's the story in a nutshell. I can't explain it any better without spoiling it. Yes, it is that cheesy.

I do not recommend seeing this movie.

Good) nice water effects Bad) stupidly realistic characters, simple-as-hell story, immature, not funny Disney/Pixar) An animated movie normally fails if not done by either of the these two kings

Spider-Man 3 (2007)

The third isn't bad, but it's time to end the series now

[6/10 · 2 July 2007]

Spider-man 3 has shattered the box office record previously held by Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest for highest-grossing opening weekend ever, taking in $151 million compared to Pirate's $135.6 million last July. Although never poor movies, the Spider-man series always seems like the least deserving of the super-hero movies to garner such money. The drawing points of the Spider-man flicks has always been the web-action, but why market a movie on that when the bulk of it is spent with this love story trash between Peter Parker (McGuire) and Mary Jane Watson (Dunst)?

At the beginning, Peter is chatting it up with Mary Jane, and their chemistry appears to be better than ever. However good the acting may be, the love angle still sucks. Anyway, Peter later tells Aunt May (Rosemary Harris- good actress, wrong movie) about his plans, so once they open their mouths, they quickly kill any hope of the movie picking up. For a few brief seconds, we get to witness Spiderman swinging across town, and he even gets into a mediocre battle with the New Goblin. The New Goblin is Harry Osborn (James Franco), the original Goblin's son. Spiderman's battles seem to be sequences to enhance the real plot of the story. Now of course, Spiderman is human, so Peter Parker can't just fly around all day- he has to bring in money to keep a good living. Peter works at the Daily Bugle, an ignorantly-titled and fictional New York newspaper. Making a return is Mr. Jameson, the manager of the Daily Bugle. He looks, acts, and sounds like Vince McMahon, and is the man who he always has been, ordering his minions around with ego-driven orders. As you can guess, his character is a laugh-riot, and most of that is because of his witty temper. Jameson hired Peter Parker, yet he doesn't know that Spiderman is his alter-ego. And Jameson hates Spiderman. Anyways, like every make-believe work office, there is competition. Eddie Brock is a photographer, just like Peter Parker. Eddie Brock is played by Topher Grace, who is known to everyone as Eric Foreman from That 70s Show. They feud from the get-to, and are each assigned to snap cool pictures of Spiderman. After Parker dispatches Brock after catching him cheating by making up pictures of Spiderman, Brock gets his revenge by being Venom. Yes, that's correct: Eric Foreman is Venom!

Now, I could talk more about the story, but for two reasons I wont. One, I don't necessarily spoil movies when I review them. Two, I will dive into a hostel pool of negativity. I don't feel like being negative right now, but if you honestly want to know what happens in the rest of the story, expect to see too much of Peter Parker, including an emo-punk side. Too much of Parker equals not enough Spiderman. Not enough Spiderman equals a lack of other interesting characters, such as Sandman (a shape-shifting man made of sand), Venom, and even the New Goblin. The reason as to why there should be more time on these characters is because of just how cool they are: Sandman grows in size and is one hell of a special effect. Venom has perhaps one of the coolest spandex-like suits ever seen in a superhero movie. And for the first time ever, Harry Osborn grows to be a character who isn't annoying. But then there's that unexplained black stuff….

Here's the bottom line: Spider-man 3 is not a bad film; it's a good film with many misjudgments. All of the main actors seem to have picked it up, the newcomers did a respectable job, favorites like JJJ returned, and we still got to see some cool web action. On the other hand, way too much time is spent on non-superhero activities, Peter Parker's troubles (who pays money to see a geeky young male adult struggle through his love life?), and…Broadway musicals? In a superhero movie? I think not.

Good) Sandman, Venom, New Goblin, Mr. Jameson

Bad) Peter Parker, the entire middle of the movie, not enough time spent on the villains May

25th) If you haven't seen Spiderman 3 by that date, you can completely forget about it

Next (2007)

Fun movie, bad ending

[7/10 · 2 July 2007]

Next is a very nifty little movie. It's serious, but it doesn't take itself too seriously. In a way, it's like The Matrix sequels: full of cool action and a ridiculous story. Granted, the story is not Matrix-worthy (in the cool factor or in complexity), but it's worth the comparison.

The main reason as to why Next doesn't take itself too seriously is because it stars Nicolas Cage. He's an actor who almost always plays a serious role, but adds his own quiet touch of humor to it. In Next, Cage is Cris Johnson, a man who is blessed with the power to see into the future…but for only two minutes. Still, lots can be changed in that short time span, which is basically the whole premise of the movie. Next is a lot of fun, but it has its fair share of problems to deal with too.

There are some problems with Johnson's power. In a Las Vegas casino at the beginning of the movie, Johnson evades every man trying to catch him after he knocked down a man. The high-ups watching this unfold on camera are dumbfounded. Smart, arrogant, and pervasive FBI agents quickly recognize his unusual power, and they want him to help them stop a nuclear accident that could wipe a large chunk of the earth off of the map. The FBI is headed up by Callie Ferris (Moore), a strict but laughable woman who is out of character for Moore. (To witness Julianne Moore in top form, watch Children of Men.) She leads the suddenly violent and ticked-off FBI after Johnson in the hope of catching him, but like many before her, Johnson can look into the future to change it. Thus, it becomes a nearly impossible task to catch him.

In the meantime, Johnson develops an unnecessary love story with a blonde named Liz (played by Biel). Supposedly, the only time Johnson ever saw further ahead than two minutes into the future was when he met her. Their passion for one another is so strong that, when Callie eventually meets up with Liz and tells her that Cage is "using her," Liz forgives him. All this leads to a overdone ending with a horrible, terrible twist at the end.

Now I advise you to go into Next and just take it for what it is: a fun action movie. The story is an intelligent mess. The acting is okay to good, but nothing worthy of a reward. Nicolas Cage is a complete bad-ass walking across the screen through gunfire, and the same can be said for Moore running through traffic. The box office returns aren't impressive (a little over $7 million for it's opening weekend), but I advise you to watch this movie.

Good) special effects, parts of the story, the FBI running down the streets

Bad) logic-defying problems with the story, the love garbage (not as bad as Spider-man, though)

Controversy) If Brandon Routh couldn't have done it, Nicolas Cage would've been the next Superman