TexasAlan Reviews

Voodoo Academy (2000 Video)

This movie is CRAP-tacular

[7/10 · 2 September 2002]

Where to begin with David DeCoteau? The man really has no talent. His movies are horrible, the direction lazy, the lighting bad. His only redeeming factor as a auteur is the young, hard-bodied young men he puts into his movies.

Voodoo Academy (the Extended Director's Cut featuring an additional 23 minutes of footage) is probably the campiest movie I have ever seen. I mean camp in it's true sense. Movies that are "camp" are movies that are meant to be taken seriously, but come across onscreen as utterly hysterical.

The boys in the movie get caught up in all sorts of homoerotic soft-core porn moments. They enter a "confessional" with a hunky "priest". They all sip (minus the pious one) "zombie juice" and begin to rub their boxer-brief clad bodies in ecstacy. They even bathe together and hold conversations in the one and only bathroom in the entire school.

If you are looking for a serious horror film, stay far, far away from this movie. But, if you enjoy looking at hard-bodied young men rubbing their crotches while under the influence, this is the movie for you.

I should give it a "2" on a legitimate scale, but because of the CRAP-tacular movie value of the film, I give it a 7.

Feardotcom (2002)

Stay Away From This Movie

[1/10 · 31 August 2002]

If you even think about going to see the "horror masterpiece" Feardotcom, I urge you to take off your shoes, stay at home and stare at the wall. You will be much more entertained. Trust me.

The directors and producers forgot about several things. First being a decent script. The second, having quality actors. Third, estabishing mood lighting for a 'scary movie' instead of having everything take place in a dark room or two.

Part of the movie takes place via digital cameras. It worked for The Blair Witch Project. It kinda worked for Halloween 8. It did not work here.

William Malone, the director, favored CGI over story telling. Too many of the "scares" were laughable, too many of the scenes pointless.The only saving grace for my $5.50 was the trailer for "Ghost Ship" before the movie.

The lead actress, Natascha McElhone,looks like a cross between Crystal Gayle and Meryl Streep, with the acting ablitiy of Tawny Kitaen. She's just that bad.

Stephen Dorff emotes like a wood board. Only one expression for fear, confusion, and insanity.

Please, I urge you to say home and stare at the wall. Save your money. You will thank me in the end.

Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002)

Mike Myers Tried Too Hard

[2/10 · 28 July 2002]

Mike Myers, the brilliant comedy mind behind all three "Austin Powers" movies, has finally run out of steam. The jokes fell flat, the plot was too contrived to be cute, and the sight-gags were few and far between. What is onscreen is a mess of skits thrown together to form a not-quite cohesive movie.

When walking out of the theater moments ago, my friends and I admitted that there were a few moments that were funny. I said, "the other movies were GREAT, and this one was just okay with a couple of GOOD moments." My friend replied "Mike tried too hard". We all nodded in agreement.

He should have stopped after the second installment.