ts-lado Reviews

Arachnid (2001)

Cures from Arachnophobia

[1/10 · 26 May 2008]

Usually, good directors filming the horror or semi-horror/sci-fi films choose a phobia from wide range of existing phobias and play on it...

That works greatly on the people who actually have such phobia or are close to it, and it also works good for people who don't have, but get to understand after film, why other people have such phobia...

Situation is completely different with Arachnid!

If you take this movie and make someone who struggles from arachnophobia to watch it couple of times, I am sure he will be cured.

Giant spider monster is so dumb, so funny, so stupidly made... that everyone will understand for good, that there's nothing we can afraid of, even if spiders will really become that big.

Recommended for psychologists, use the film, cure the people!

Superhero Movie (2008)

Not that bad, not so good...

[5/10 · 8 April 2008]

Well, OK! it IS better then scary movies, epic movie or meet the spartans, but it's not even close to Zuckers' movies and even Leslie Nielsen can't save this...

You definitely WILL laugh here and there, and some jokes are really good...

But again, we have here same toilet-humor that is overused in on these spoof movies... just why some people don't understand, that some things are not funny, but just disgusting...

And NO! showing the scene where one insults a dead body in it's coffin isn't funny too, it is not only disgusting, but immoral; This movie is NOT complete waste of time, watch it if you have nothing else to do, but if you DO have something other on mind, don't bother, skip it, you will not miss much...

Critters (1986)

Cutest monsters ever

[8/10 · 3 April 2008]

(very minor spoiler here, this scene is somewhere in the middle)

2 little black fury teethy monsters, standing in front of the closed door chatting (already funny, isn't it?):

1st critter: They have weapons! 2nd critter: So what? (the doors opening and mom shoots out 2nd critter) 1st critter: F*kc!!!

If after that you're going to see Critters with serious intentions in mind, waiting for poor gore or serious plot, then you obviously not on the right horse! Critters is hardly a horror, it is more of a parody on itself. "B" Movie without ANY seriousness in it. It is poor fun, mindless, dumb, stupid, GREAT fun... Good way to sit and watch through, if you haven't something to do and just want to kill couple of hours.

P.S. oh, did I mention? The Critters themselves are so cute, that if I would have to choose horror movie monsters that I agree to be prey for, it would be them :)

Pathfinder (2007)

One-timer/Slasher

[6/10 · 27 March 2008]

This movie worths to be watched just once, if you are a fan of slasher action movies with lots of sword-fighting and "one-good-guy-against-many-bad-guys" type of thing.

The movie had the potential. The plot is simple and predictable, but it's the way this kind of movies should be.

The acting is OK, not good, not bad... it just can't be good because of the roles itself, and it's not bad, because actors just couldn't do better from what they had in script... so this is the case, where if characters are not well developed, you have to blame script, not actors.

The cast is actually VERY good. Indians really look like Indians and not like their "hollywoodised" prototypes, but if they fit in role perfectly with their apparent, they fell to be natural in the way of their lifestyle and habits. They seem to have well democratised society with women having equal rights with men and with everyone happy and free before bad guys come to their land. Just unbelievable.

Good thing about vikings (or maybe bad thing for vikings fans), that they're not idealised warrior heroes, but murderers, rapers and brutal savages as they historically were most of the time, (though I don't have anything against their idealised version too, painting them as just honorable brave warriors, sometimes doing good deeds. And I love their sagas and mythology, so I don't mean to offend if any Scandinavian is reading it, I respect Scandinavian culture)

The action scenes are good and bad same time. They are good, because there's obviously some great choreography, stunt effects and sword-fighting scenes, but bad sides of that is, that most of the scenes are happening during night/in dark valleys/in caves/during heavy snow when visibility is poor... So you start to think: "what a hell, they spent so much money, and I feel that the scene behind this darkness on the screen is great, but I can't see it...".

Some low budget movies use the "darkness tactics" to cover up their low budget and don't show you that scene is not so good, but this movie didn't have the need in that, as clearly it is not a low budget movie, at least it doesn't look like that.

Did you noticed, after almost every "good" of the movie, I used word "but", so these "but-s" are why this movie got only 6 from me, not higher.

If only the plot, not so much insulting simple... If only the fight scenes would be more visible... If only the characters would be little more developed... If only... if only all that, this could be one of the best movies of year... but now, just 1-timer, as I stated above

The 8th Plague (2006)

only one reason to watch

[1/10 · 27 March 2008]

Only if you think that some brunette chick with nice body, holding huge axe and waving it few times during the entire movie is something you're into, then you go for it!

If you look anything other in the movie you let me be clear:

1) There is no directing 2) There is no acting 3) There are no characters 4) There are no effects 5) Gore is more funny, or at best cases just disgusting, but not scary 6) The Plot is EXTREMELY predictable

Hereby saying all that I understand that it is just "B" movie and expectations must not be high, but this movie fails even at that level as I have seen lots of "B" movies, and if they weren't cinema masterpieces, at least many of them just didn't suck and were fun to watch...

this movie fails at all levels...

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)

What's next?

[1/10 · 21 March 2008]

"Judah Ben-Hur VS Spartak" or "Gone with the wind 2:return of Scarlet O'Hara"?!

I mean, people, whoever you are up there, in Hollywood... helloooo!!! STOP ruining the classics.

And when I say classics, I mean it. Maybe Predator and Alien aren't deep and well thought psychological characters, maybe their first movies weren't examples of cinematography, but at the genre that they were created for, they indeed were classics.

Personally I don't like Alien, non of the series, they are not scary for me, they are disgusting, but I respect original Alien. For people who likes it, it fits the role perfectly.

I was more of a fan of Preddie-guy... I was a child when first Predator came out and it was second film that I saw with Arnie in it (first was Commando)... So I was excited, and when you are excited by something in your childhood, this feeling goes with you all your life, even when you grow up for things like that. So I love predator. He's cool, strong, wild...

Then came Predator 2 and of course it wasn't as great as first one, but Glover is indeed a great actor and he saves the film, together with some well developed plot... After seeing predator in jungles, we see him in a big city, and this unexpected twist works there...

I won't say much about Alien series, as I said, not a big fan and don't even remember what's going on in each one of them, though I think I HAVE seen all...

Then came that piece of crap, Alien VS Predator... but here, maybe I can understand creators of the movie in one point: bunch of guys without imagination and their own view decided to make a quick money, sit down and think.

One of them said: "Hey, guys, let's make something like predator..." then another replied: "noo, man, aliens are cooler..." first one didn't accept - "no" - he said - "my predator will beat your alien..." and third one said: "let's check it."

Of course idea of two great villains fighting each other sounded good, but everyone have seen what a piece of garbage came out...

and AFTER such a fail... they decided to make this kind of crap... no! even worse crap then that...

Maybe I didn't say much about the movie itself, I more criticized the concept of ruining classics, but you will find about movie in other reviews...

avoid this film, you will be disappointed... you will once see that guys in Hollywood used all their "mana-power" and fantasy and left it somewhere in the late 80s beginning of 90s...

Nothing new again, but not good enough as old too

The Black Hole (2006 TV Movie)

Now I know what Black Holes mean

[1/10 · 27 November 2007]

I was bad in Physics at school... I admit, I was really bad, and only reason I got "C" grade and not Failed, was because my own grandma was the teacher.

BUT - even I was laughing at the scientific side of this nonsense.

One must be REALLY, REALLY high, to watch this movie and believe anything in it.

Beside the nonsense plot, everything else in this movie is bad. acting, scripting, effects... total waste of time.

Before this movie, all I knew about Black Holes was that they exist somewhere out there, and they are bad things... now I know why they say so...

Live Free or Die Hard (2007)

Great addition for fans

[8/10 · 21 July 2007]

It is what it must be. all 8 stars out of 10...

here the goods:

1 - effects - mostly hand-made work, thank to all stunts for GREAT work 2 - directing - director managed to keep the spirit of first 3 movies 3 - casting - Actors were generally well chosen... McClayne's daughter could be little bit more alive, but anyway... no big deal in a movie like this... no one asks here for a Oscar-acting 4 - Bruce: In any age and shape... Bruce is Bruce... maybe his years gone away, but his charisma will never leave him 5 - plot - Very simple, maybe even too much simple... maybe even so much simple that it offends someone, who can think that it's childish but, hay... if you want to think about higher materials I know book or two of Dostoevsky... Die Hard isn't the movie where you need to concentrate on plot that much

the bads:

1 - Bruce - yes, I know, I included him as a good side of the movie too, but if we look on other side... he was... little bit... little bit... how to say... I had the feeling, that he's little bit tired... he's not so much eager any more... I don't know. maybe just my feeling

2 - Too unreal - YES! I know that we can't demand realism in such movies but, here, unrealism was little bit over the top... and in the final scene... well.. don't want to spoil anything. See yourself...

Overall it is great movie and if you like other movies of Die Hard series, you MUST see this one too...

Big Fish (2003)

Simple salesman's simple story

[10/10 · 28 April 2007]

The man from little town, goes to search for his bright future and joins the circus where he spends some time working meanwhile finding the girl who he will love all of his life...

Then comes the war and man responds to the call of Uncle Sam. After some time he returns and starts the career of salesman, travels around the country and making some fortune. He have a boy and sweet house.

As in every man's life, there is another woman in his life too but only his wife is the one who keeps his heart.

Now, this is the story, simple story of a simple man, and there is nothing extraordinary in it, but... but only if it is told by me. If Edward Bloom (the main character of the movie), is the man who tells the story... the story of his life, then this simple story have a chance to become most magnificent, most wonderful and amazing adventure and fairytale that you heard in your life.

And do you care that the science never will accept the existence of mermaids or werewolves? Who cares that there can't be witches who has "magical eye" where you can see your future death? Do you really need to stop Edward when he tells you the heroic war story with Siamese twin singer or spy, or singer-spy or whatever (whoever) in it? Or do you need to stop him when he introduces to you the most talented poet who writes 3-line poem for last 12 years, then tries to rob the bank and finally becomes oil millionaire?

No, no no and no... because I didn't cared, and you won't care. You will buy it. You will buy each and every word that Edward says. Because it is true. His lies are true as much as any other true I heard in my life.

So what are you waiting to? Don't miss the chance to catch an uncatchable, big fish.

Around the World in 80 Days (2004)

Fans of great classic, stay away

[3/10 · 28 April 2007]

I gave this movie 3 out 10... why? because it is a good, funny comedy... and it would be great for if not one fact... The movie's name is "Around the World in 80 Days" but has nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, to do with great Jules Verne...

Maybe that's just me, because I am a fan of this french writer, who created 99% of my childhood heroes... (I even had chosen Geography as my profession I was so much affected by his works)... maybe that's why I will never forgive nor director of this movie, nor entire crew and actors who made this mess out of my beloved writer's novel.

If you had never touch any book of Verne, like jackie Chan type fake kung fu movies and just want some easy crap, go see this movie... you will really laugh, but if you really love Jules Verne, if you really grew up on his works, then stay away... because at the end, you will be cursing everyone who worked on this movie.

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

Short review

[1/10 · 28 April 2007]

Time is about 19:00: I am sitting in front of screen, preparing to watch the movie. I have in head that Mortal Kombat 1 was some fun... not something to make you think about meaning of life, but really dumb-but-still-fun action with good (yet very often too much fake) pieces of martial arts.

Time is about 19:40: I can't believe I am still watching it. All that makes me not turn it off, is curiosity, what level of stupidity can achieve a single movie. I just wonder and really interesting, will it become worse or it will stop regressing at some point.

Time is about 21:00: My mom is back home, she wakes me up and turns off TV... I am snoring and trying to remember what I was watching...

Aziris nuna (2006)

Think twice before watch

[3/10 · 28 April 2007]

Do you really need it? Well, in fact I can really say that Russian film-making industry have some bright names of wonderful actors that were shining in soviet movies but because of the nature of USSR their name didn't go far away from USSR and world doesn't know them... now, the new generation of actors and directors are coming in Russia, but sadly, they just have nothing that will make their film really their... they have no signature at all... they try to make Hollywood films inspired by American actors and way the Americans shoot, but they forget that they just can't afford it...

This film wants to be the sci-fi fantasy thing but in fact all it has are not talented actors, dumb directing, some more or less good soundtrack put in in a wrong places and little bit of story... well... the story is the only reason why I am giving it 3 out of 10, not 1

Hair (1979)

Wave you hair and be free

[10/10 · 28 April 2007]

I Won't say anything about music, because this topic can be so deep that it can become one huge separate review, so let's concentrate on movie that is brilliant... No doubt, one of the best works of Forman.

The simple story about love, friendship, freedom and ideals... oh yes, the ideals for which even pacifists are ready to go in war...

There is not a single fake word, single fake character, single fake feeling in the story, because the love, freedom and friendship isn't something complicated for the characters of movie. These things aren't something that "everyone can view from different angle" These aren't things that need much thinking to understand... their love is simple, their friendship is simple, their ideals are as simple as the word "simple" itself and that's why these characters are so deep.

Berger, the leader of a hippie played by Treat Williams is a guy who lives to live and that's the biggest happiness for him... he has his ass - (as he sings in one of the scenes in the movie) and that's enough to make him happy with his property...

Berger never accepts that something can't be done... and his right... If he wants to go to some rich guys' banquet in his dirty old clothes and huge long hair, he will do it... if he want's to go to another state to just see his friend, he'll do it... he never thinks twice... he just do it.

How? why is he so powerful? the answer is simple: because he is FREE.

Just watch how the wind makes the hair wave in this movie and you will understand it all, maybe you will even free yourself too.

Return of the Seven (1966)

The worse sequel I have ever seen

[1/10 · 27 April 2007]

"You know - I've been in some towns where the girls weren't all that pretty. In fact I've been in some towns where they're downright ugly. But it's the first time I've been in a town where there are no girls at all" I am sure the fans of great classic remember this phrase that belongs to Vin... one of the TRULY magnificent seven (from the first movie)...

Now I'd want to re-phrase him here. You know - I've seen some movies where the plot isn't all that good. In fact I've seen some movies where the plot is terrible, but that's first time in my life that I saw the film where there isn't any plot at all.

OK. Maybe my above statement is little bit over the top, but honestly... how one can call the plot a crap that is going on in this movie. The bad guy (oh, don't ask me to give you his name, because I don't remember and his not even somehow close to Calvera who's name and character is unforgettable...) is trying to build the church in the name of his late sons, that were killed in some battle, and this bad guy is kidnapping poor villagers to force them to build the church...

first of all how big must be church to have to force hundreds of villagers to build it... is it some Egyptian pyramid or something? but OK, let's stop here about the plot and absolutely forgettable character of a bad guy and let's say few words about The Seven itself...

Yul brynner's good old Chris, always calm, always silent, talking less but talking wise is gone (unfortunately). Oh no... he's as calm as he was... but now, he's calmness are so fake that you just don't buy it. (imagine, he meets a good old friend Chico, who he must rescue after so many years and there is just a few "hi, Hello" and not even handshake (as far as I remember))... honestly, it looks more like meeting of two strangers in some internet chat, rather then meeting of Chris and Chico. That makes "new Chris" more look like robocop or terminator rather then our beloved wise quickgun...

I won't stop here talking about other characters. There simply aren't ANY... (imagine if strong actor like Yul Brynner is so much fake forgettable, then what will be other characters look like)...

There still are some attempts to give us a background story for each one of them... for example one is women favorite guy, second is a man with dark past who's wife was raped and killed by indians and he since then is killing everyone and everything that is moving... but non of these characters are making any sense or non of them can take your heart.

I remember I was a little child and when O'reilly (Charles Bronson's character) died in the first movie I was crying. Here, I just didn't care about each one of them... even if whole of them with all the crew of the film would die, it seems I wouldn't care more...

So, please, go and SEE THIS MOVIE... I recommend it, because you won't have the other chance to see something worse then it.