OK. I watched this tonight. I think it has killed me. Hopefully, before the tumor that watching it implanted in my brain spreads and extinguishes my life, I can write this as a final warning to never see this movie.
First of all: Made for TV. That should throw up about a million automatic red flags in your head.
Second. Jesus Christ this movie makes me livid beyond the capacity for rational thought. First of all, the whole thing is just over-saturated in white. Its like the white leaps out of the screen and punches you right in the face with its whiteness. You may think I'm kidding, but I'm not.
The narrative is horrible. Like, forty minutes in, it randomly does a flashback where some meteors fall. And you think that might just be fantasy, but it turns out MUCH LATER IN THE MOVIE that the meteors did, in fact, fall. Just no one decided to mention it. Oh, the movie is OVER TWO HOURS LONG. Hardly ANY movie, much less the WORST MOVIE EVER should be that long. And oh, it is just so bad. The characters are stilted and zero-dimensional. I don't even remember any of their names, beyond Carrie. There's one dude, he's "Psycho Teenager", and thats all he is. He's skinny, and he constantly keeps his chin tucked down so he's supposed to look intimidating, but its all so LAUGHABLE. In one scene, he kills a pig, but he sings the "Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin", and the whole thing is so ridiculous.
Oh, and all the girls in this film were white. Even the black girl. And they were all ugly, but supposed to be pretty. Probably because they couldn't actually afford pretty girls. And there was no gore, because it was made for TV.
And when the bucket of pig's blood fell on her, it fell for like, a year. Seriously. A million jillion gallons of blood must have been in that some sort of extra-dimensional bucket.
And the ending. Jesus Christ THE ENDING. So like, Carrie survives in this one, with the help of Whitefriend Blackgirl. And they're in a graveyard, and her dead mother shows up. But it turns out to be a dream. She's in the car with Whitefriend. And then Whitefriend turns into chief female antagonist, and attacks Carrie. BUT IT TURNS OUT TO BE ANOTHER DREAM. And then it shows Carrie's face, and pans down to the car door, where the film abruptly turns to credits.
This film is unsaveable. Like, if the last 10 minutes suddenly turned into Ninjas and Vikings and Bikers and Pirates having a brawl while a chorus line of monkeys in tuxedos danced and sang, while Bruce Campbell emcee'd the whole thing, it would still been terrible. No, wait, it could have been saved, but if, and only if a time machine made of guns, drugs, and money popped out of the screen during the credits, and it was piloted by a robot who took you back in time to before you saw the movie and said "Instead of seeing this movie, lets go on an adventure using the component parts of this time machine!", and off you go to Tijuana for a drug and booze soaked time, with running gun battles with the Mexican Mafia or something. And then you sell the robot for BILLIONS of dollars so you become rich beyond your wildest dreams. That is the only thing that could have saved it.
First of all: Made for TV. That should throw up about a million automatic red flags in your head.
Second. Jesus Christ this movie makes me livid beyond the capacity for rational thought. First of all, the whole thing is just over-saturated in white. Its like the white leaps out of the screen and punches you right in the face with its whiteness. You may think I'm kidding, but I'm not.
The narrative is horrible. Like, forty minutes in, it randomly does a flashback where some meteors fall. And you think that might just be fantasy, but it turns out MUCH LATER IN THE MOVIE that the meteors did, in fact, fall. Just no one decided to mention it. Oh, the movie is OVER TWO HOURS LONG. Hardly ANY movie, much less the WORST MOVIE EVER should be that long. And oh, it is just so bad. The characters are stilted and zero-dimensional. I don't even remember any of their names, beyond Carrie. There's one dude, he's "Psycho Teenager", and thats all he is. He's skinny, and he constantly keeps his chin tucked down so he's supposed to look intimidating, but its all so LAUGHABLE. In one scene, he kills a pig, but he sings the "Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin", and the whole thing is so ridiculous.
Oh, and all the girls in this film were white. Even the black girl. And they were all ugly, but supposed to be pretty. Probably because they couldn't actually afford pretty girls. And there was no gore, because it was made for TV.
And when the bucket of pig's blood fell on her, it fell for like, a year. Seriously. A million jillion gallons of blood must have been in that some sort of extra-dimensional bucket.
And the ending. Jesus Christ THE ENDING. So like, Carrie survives in this one, with the help of Whitefriend Blackgirl. And they're in a graveyard, and her dead mother shows up. But it turns out to be a dream. She's in the car with Whitefriend. And then Whitefriend turns into chief female antagonist, and attacks Carrie. BUT IT TURNS OUT TO BE ANOTHER DREAM. And then it shows Carrie's face, and pans down to the car door, where the film abruptly turns to credits.
This film is unsaveable. Like, if the last 10 minutes suddenly turned into Ninjas and Vikings and Bikers and Pirates having a brawl while a chorus line of monkeys in tuxedos danced and sang, while Bruce Campbell emcee'd the whole thing, it would still been terrible. No, wait, it could have been saved, but if, and only if a time machine made of guns, drugs, and money popped out of the screen during the credits, and it was piloted by a robot who took you back in time to before you saw the movie and said "Instead of seeing this movie, lets go on an adventure using the component parts of this time machine!", and off you go to Tijuana for a drug and booze soaked time, with running gun battles with the Mexican Mafia or something. And then you sell the robot for BILLIONS of dollars so you become rich beyond your wildest dreams. That is the only thing that could have saved it.
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