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JJonsey
Reviews
Unearthed (2007)
Ummm....
I wanted to watch this, I really did. I like fearnetHD and even if some of the movies suck, I love the fact it exists at all so I give most of the movies they feature at least a chance.
Horror movie...check. High def....check. Drunken half naked sheriff chick...check.
I still turned it off 20 minutes in.
The plot was nonsensical: The road into town blocked. OK....but the premise of the road being blocked is Charlie Murphy driving into town and going around the wreck that blocks the road. So if the wreck blocks the road...how did he get around it and why can't anyone else?
Monster: SciFi channel at best. I remember when the SciFi channel made Farscape. They now make garbage movies. This movie reminds me of the later....onlyy worse.
I wanted to like this...it was so bad I didn't bother.
Weeds (2005)
Started fresh if not realistic. Now it's just absurd
Weeds has always been full of hyperbole and social commentary via satire. It wasn't always all that insightful but it was clever and cute at the least. Unfortunately it's disdain, detachment from reality and holier than thou attitude often show through the wit. From it's grindingly unaware and sanctimonious title song, to it's hypocrite self centered characters...once the cute wears off, it's hard to give a crap about anything deeper because the surface is so tarnished.
The ridiculous story lines not only do nothing for the point trying to be made, the absurd unbelievable plots treat the viewer like an idiot :
Don't like anti-drug laws....so the proponent of said laws is a barely functioning alcoholic whose entire life is a train wreck. How clever. Alcohol is worse than Marijuana...we get it.
The "War on Terror" sucks.... so the army randomly kills recruits with drone planes apparently driven by Gomer Pyle. To cover up they send in evil teams of black Ops LAWYERS to strong arm witnesses with magic toys that make the most ludicrous James Bond toy look like a calculator watch. I wish I was kidding. If I had to be fair, this is the scene that broke weeds for me. I forgave it's heavy handed idiocy and overlooked it's characters flaws and unrealistic reactions because to be honest...it was funny a lot of the time. I think I would have been much happier to watch them just flat out say "The war on terror is ridiculous, and we have lost respect and trust for the Armed Forces." Thats totally fine...I agree 110%. But a scene that makes Get Smart look realistic and hides behind weak attempts at humor? Cmon...what a joke.
To top it off, the writers are often too afraid to make the protagonists react in realistic ways for fear of alienating weak minded viewers. Nancy can yell at her bumbling drug addict brother in law, but when her self centered prick of a son nearly gets her killed and essentially forces her into servitude with the local drug dealer by stealing her drugs...she never mentions it. In fact no one even addresses it.
I want to like the show. Heck a lot of times I do. Mary Lousie Parker is droll and kissably cute...not to mention incredibly versatile in her role. The soundtrack is often pointed and sharp, which is in stark contrast to the ham fisted finger wagging of the actual show. Sadly, 9 times out of 10, I share Weeds outlook on the topics they address. However, the childish and unrealistic way they address them often makes me wish I didn't for fear of association with halfwits.
In the end it's just hard to tolerate preaching from a show so flawed.
Quest of the Delta Knights (1993)
One of the worst abominations ever filmed.
I have watched a lot of total crap in my time and NEVER have I seen a Satanic medieval henchman lead a pirate, a couple of vikings and what appears to be a smattering of unarmed peasants into battle against a troupe of GUN Wielding renaissance costumed buffoons and women who appear to be from the deep south circa 1860.
You might as well have Harry Truman wearing confederate gray lead Jesus and Harry conick Jr. into battle against Canada and it's mighty army of Huns in 1534 using laser guns and crossbows for all the accuracy in this movie.
Even the MST3K version doesn't have enough jokes to contain the awfulness of this asstastic abortion.
PS - Thats just the first 3 minutes.
Ben & Arthur (2002)
Any positive review of this movie is assuredly written by the director/writer/caterer/dog walker of this abomination
THE. WORST. FILM. EVER. MADE.
After watching this supposedly gay made film, I suspect someone rounded up a brain damaged half blind neo-nazi and had him make the worst gay film ever, all in some deluded attempt to attack gay culture. I had to stop the movie and call a friend to come over just so I had someone to scoff at when I paused the movie out of shock, disbelief and outrage at such sheer stupidity.
On top of all the horrible writing and acting and illogical and stupid plot, its just a poorly made film. A dog with a handycam tied to its tail could have churned out better.
Seriously, after reading the few positive reviews this movie has here, I suspect the writer must have a half a dozen IMDb accounts. Anyone who says this film is even watchable as anything other than a joke, is a liar or being paid heavily to say so.