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ticktockcrocodile
Reviews
Quest for Camelot (1998)
Great aspirations, poor reality.
"Quest For Camelot" is one of those movies that looks good on paper, but when is completed, it just kinda falls short. Sure, it's a good movie... don't get me wrong. But think of it as tarnished gold.
My main problem with this movie is the characters' singing voices. I love the cast... Jane Seymour, Pierce Brosnon, Bronson Pinchot, Jaleel White... but they SING WRONG. Sure, Celine Dion is a great singer, but her singing voice doesn't match Jane Seymour's talking voice for Lady Julianna. Same with the talking/singing voices of Kayley and Garrett (forget the actors' names... sorry). Either one sounds great... but they just don't go together.
The other thing that irks me about this movie is the enchanted forest. Yeah, its cool, what with all the walking plants and magical waterfalls... but where are all the ANIMALS? Half this movie takes place in the forest, with all the dancing flowers and walking trees... but is there a single sign of a unicorn, a faun, a fairy, or even a bunny rabbit or squirrel? It's an unbalanced eco-system for sure, and it takes away from the reality of the story.
Well, I guess that's about it... Nitpicky things, sure, but things that take the reality level waaaay down. Other than those two problems, tho, "Quest For Camelot" is a good movie with great characters (I love Julianna and the Dragon/s), nice music, and a fun story.
CSI: Miami (2002)
Just one complaint...
As an enormous fan of the original "CSI", I greatly looked forward to this new spin-off. While not as good as the original, this TV series pretty much lived up to all of my expectations, and I was just getting into it when suddenly, my world was rocked.
KIM DELANEY IS GONE!!! Now, Megan Donner was my no means my favorite character, but I reallyreally did like her! And to flip it on one day and find her missing... well, it was quite an unhappy surprise (altho, come to think of it... I had read that she was leaving in TV Guide or here on IMDb... somewhere, anyway). And as bad as it is to see that she is gone, an even bigger slap in the face is her replacement! Why on Earth would the makers of this show dump such a good actress and great character for someone who talks, acts, and looks exactly like another character that was already on the show (Alex, the coroner. Anyone else see the resemblance?)!?!
I guess I'll still continue to watch "CSI: Miami", but I'll never enjoy as much as I did before.
Rat Race (2001)
I love squirrels!
You know the kind of movie where from the moment you see the first preview, you think, "Wow, that looks great! I gotta see that!"? And then when you actually do see it, it's nothing like your expectations? It actually EXCEEDS them? Well, "Rat Race" is that kind of movie!
From the opening credits, when those goofy little cutouts of the cast are dancing around and beating each other up, I knew we were in for a treat. And what a treat it was... one that built up with each laugh, each scene, making you want more, more, more, until the climax at the very end where we see that these screwballs are really great people after all.
Now, first off, I would like to note that this movie would NOT have been so great if I had not watched it with our TV Guardian (which is a handy little machine that filters out bad language by reading the closed captioning). I can tell from the many times that the TV momentarily muted out that the language in this movie is quite heavy, but if you have the capability to watch it without hearing the "cussing" I say go for it! However, just so nobody gets the wrong idea, there ARE a couple of things that credit a quick averting of the eyes.
Anyway, now that I have my moral problems with this movie out of the way, I can continue with my review! I was so impressed by the immense talent of this cast- John Cleese, Whoopi Goldberg, Breckin Meyer, Kathy Najimy, Jon Lovitz, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Rowan Atkinson, and yes, even Seth Green were all magnificent. Their excellent portrayals of these completely whacked-out people somewhat make you wonder what their real personal lives are like! And the star cameos, such as Dean Cain, Paul Rodriguez, Wayne Knight, and the always great Kathy Bates, were done to hilarious lunatic perfection.
One thing that really struck me about the way this movie was done was that each team had so many "mini-adventures"... and each was funnier than the last! Randy and Bev and the kids visiting the "Barbie" museum, stealing Hitler's car, and crashing the WWII vet reunion; Vera and Merril's ride on the "rocket car", trip with the mentally ill, and scafuffle with the Squirrel Lady; Enrico's sleeping problem, his ride with the EMT and chase after the heart, and his bug-like splatting on the train... the list goes on and on. Normally, it seems like in a movie such as this, after every excursion the characters go on, the movie looses something of its charm and originality. Not in this one! The exact opposite is true here... every time they sidestep danger, we wait expactantly to see what will happen next... and each adventure is always better than the last one.
I'd have to say that my favorite scenes were on the bus full of Lucy impersonators. I have always been a big Lucille Ball fan and the idea of having an entire bus full of Lucys was a stroke of true genius. The part when they all start crying like Lucy ("Waaaaaaaaah!!!") cracked me up. Also, as I'm sure you can guess by the title of this review, I really enjoyed the Kathy Bates character and subsequent crash down the cliff. And of course, who could forget one of the greatest running gags in comedy history... the cow and the balloon. Boy, I sure would like to shake the hand of whoever thought that up.
Anyway, all in all, it was a pretty great movie, full of memorable characters and impressive performances. I really liked the ending, too. Altho some people have said it was preachy or too contrived, I say it was the best way to close out what had been two hours of nonstop riotous laughter. And the ending shot, where the cast is being held up by the audience in the concert... priceless!! However, the inappropriate language and the "other" things (Randy and Bev's accidental signal to the biker, Harold's rather inappropriate request to Vicky, and the Pierced Girl's... um... unshyness) prohibit me from giving this a perfect 10 rating. I'll have to go with 5 1/2 out of 10.
You should have bought a squirrel!
Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)
If you're going to make a movie based on classic literature... TRY READING THE BOOK.
I suppose it's impossible to take a great work of classic literature and translate it directly to the screen... look at "The Wizard of Oz", "Gone With the Wind", "The Hunchback of Notre Dame"... but what's even worse is when the filmmakers don't even try. Such is the way with Francis Ford Coppola's "Dracula".
I personally have read Bram Stoker's original novel twice, and each time I read it, I like it even more. The characters are wonderful, the plot is thick and intriguing, the settings are amazing. (It has its problems, sure, but what book doesn't?) And so I set off on the all-too impossible quest to find a movie version of "Dracula" that was like the book.
That was my first mistake. My second was thinking that FFC's "interpretation" would be the film I was looking for.
Now, I'm not a big FFC fan- I have no idea even what other movies he directed- but if "Dracula" was any indication as to his skills as a director... well, I'd say he has none. The scenes were cluttered, ugly, dingy, dark, and far-too gothic for even this story. The characterizations were disgusting (both in appearance and in personality). And the story was chopped to bits.
I suppose that's the main thing that made me dislike the film: The complete departure from the original source material. One part in the book that was about ten pages long (the scene where the "Demeter" crashes into the bay) has been suppressed into a single one minute scene, intermingled with other scenes of Mina and Lucy and the wolf escaping from the zoo (also, the whole half-wolf/half-Dracula thing was stupid and sickening and completely uncalled for). On the surface, the idea of having Mina be the reincarnated form of Elisabeta is a cool concept. But after about three minutes after Dracula's arrival in London, it wears terribly thin. Similarly, Lucy has been completely changed. In the book, she was pure, virginal, and sweet-hearted, and that's why everybody loved her so much. In the film, she's been changed to some sort of sex goddess (not to mention she's supposed to be BLONDE). The movie does have two things right about Dr. Seward: He does run an insane asylum and he is battling an addiction to morphine, but he was much more kind-hearted and not such an animal (even to the lunatics) in the book. But what really took the cake was Dracula. He's been transformed from the lord of darkness into a hippie! He doesn't look like he'd strike fear into a kitty cat's heart, much less the whole of London! (unless you concentrate on the hair and the idiotic blue sunglasses... I suppose those were kinda scary)
All in all, the movie stunk. I didn't even finish it, to tell the truth... I was getting too sick of having to avert my eyes from the TV screen to avoid the nudity and too fed up with the butchered story line to continue. I suppose some of the performances were good... but not many. Cary Elwes and Anthony Hopkins were perfect for the parts of Arthur and Van Helsing. Winona Ryder was adequate but not too great. If you've seen one Keanu Reeves role, you've seen 'em all. I guess Lucy and Seward were okay, but Renfield and Quincy were total disappointments all the way around.
So, for all you aspiring filmmakers out there, here are three lessons learned from this monstrocity: 1: If you want to make a movie based on classic literature, read the book first. 2: If you want a large following of fans who loved the book, don't dissect the characters and storyline. And 3: If you want the entire audience to run away screaming, put the most evil being ever to walk the earth, the prince of fear, the lord of darkness, in blue sunglasses.
Noah's Ark (1999)
Good as a movie, lousy as Biblical history.
I know that many others have already complained about the Biblical inaccuracies in this movie, but I might as well add my two cents worth, too. :)
As the title of this review says, "Noah's Ark" is a great movie, but a pathetic retelling of Biblical history. Altho very dramatic and heavy (and quite entertaining), it completely shreds any amount of accuracy. For example...
1) Lot was a descendant of Noah's, not his best friend. They lived hundreds of years apart and never even saw each other.
2) It was Abraham who bargained with God to find 10 righteous people in Sodom and Gomorrah, not Noah.
3) The movie also slaps the divine nature of the Bible in the face. The Bible clearly says that "All scripture is inspired by God", meaning that God wrote the Bible through mortal men. However, if you listen to Noah's wife Naamah, "You can't trust scribbling scribes. They change things. When they're done with the story, it will be as if you weren't even there." (loose quote) So first, we're supposed to believe that Noah and family witnessed the destruction of Sodom, and second, we're supposed to believe the Bible lies about it?
4) Shem, Ham, and Japheth took their WIVES on the Ark, not their GIRLFRIENDS.
5) Noah, his wife, his sons, and their wives, were the only survivors of the Flood. There were no peddlers or pirates.
6) God shut the door to the Ark, not Noah's sons.
7) There was only one window on the Ark, and the odds of them actually being able to move about on deck are slim to none.
8) I read nowhere that it says God assisted with the building of the Ark.
9) I also don't find anything about them going crazy or Noah's sons rebelling.
10) And can someone please show me book, chapter, and verse where God "had to decide" whether or not to drown the Ark?
11) Oh, yes, and God does NOT make mistakes. What is the purpose of having and omniscient being if he's going to make mistakes? This movie has God apologizing to Noah, but in actuality, God did what had to be done and what he KNEW had to be done.
12) And finally, God did not promise Noah that he would never destroy the Earth again, he promised he would never destroy the Earth by WATER again. It says later on in the Bible that when Christ returns to escort us to the Judgement Day, the world will be consumed with fire. So yes, the Earth WILL be destroyed a second time, just not in the same method.
There are many smaller discrepancies, but these are the major ones. I fully understand that some things would have to be "amended" for a film version of the Ark, such as giving first names to Noah's wife and his daughters-in-law, but this movie far exceeds any legitimate speculation. Like I said in the beginning, this is a good movie for someone who just wants to be entertained, but if you're looking for a vast store of Bible knowledge, look somewhere else.
American Playhouse: Into the Woods (1991)
Broadway splendor at its greatest.
"Into the Woods" has to be my favorite musical of all time, and the video production has to be my favorite video of a musical of all time. The cast is incredible, the costumes are enchanting, the set is dazzling, the dialogue is fun, the music is beautiful, and the entire production is 100% perfection.
For those not familiar with Sondheim's greatest work, "Into the Woods" blends four famous fairy tales- Cinderella, Rapunzel, Little Red Riding Hood, and Jack and the Beanstalk- into one continuous story, intertwined with the tale of a lonely Baker and his Wife who long for a child of their own.
Tom Aldrege is amazing as the Narrator and Mysterious Old Man, he will truly make you examine how you've lived your life during his heart-wrenching duet with the Baker, "No More". Kim Crosby is mesmerizing as Cinderella, and she brings an underrated sense of comedy and excitement to the role of the rags-to-riches servant who simply doesn't know what she wants. Barbara Bryne, as the over-the-top fanatical mother of the boy who climbs the beanstalk is a laugh-riot from start to finish, but proves her fantastic acting ability in her melodramatic death scene. With the exception of Chip Zien's cardboard portrayal of the Baker, the rest of the cast is equally fantastic, but two others stand out in particular: Joanna Gleason and Bernadette Peters. Ms. Gleason does a beautiful job as the Baker's Wife, flying into angry flurries, sorrowful confessions, sympathetic matriarchies, and comedic fits of joy left and right. And each emotion is entirely believable and utterly astounding. Top it all off with an awesome singing voice and an incredible stage presence and you have an A-list actress in an A-list role. And last, but most certainly not least, the ever-enchanting Bernadette Peters. As always, Ms. Peters is stunning in her portrayal of the Witch. Her beautiful voice and porcelain-doll appearance fit the role magnificently. She is one of the best actresses of all history, and she fits perfectly into the role of the obsessive mother who only wants to be loved. She is in equal doses silly, flighty, shrill, mean, loving, and haunted, and this role will, for me anyway, never belong to anyone except for Bernadette.
Besides the acting, this show is simply a wonderful story. It's a fable, a parable of sorts, of growing up and a reflection of society. At every turn, we learn lessons that will do us good to remember: "Nice is different than good" (as Little Red Riding Hood puts it), appearances can be deceiving, everyone wants to feel needed, sometimes you just have to take chances, our lives can change unexpectedly, being underhanded and sneaky won't do anything but get you in trouble, and, of course, "No one is alone". Among many, many others.
So, if you're looking for a great show with excellent music, brilliant acting, a fabulous story, and a nice lesson at the end, this is it! Go out and buy it today!