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Cocaine Bear (2023)
8/10
Advanced screening - non stop laughs!
27 February 2023
A title like Cocaine Bear might sound like a Sharknado-style cringefest worth avoiding but this is actually inspired by a true story and like all great movies based on true stories - e.g. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - only about 2% of this story is factual and that's the part where a bear consumed an unhealthy amount of cocaine. While they could have just made a movie about what happened to the bear posthumously which is a crazy story all on it's own, writer Jimmy Warden has given us a "what if?" alternative. What if the bear had come across a bunch of tourists while high on cocaine?

Back in 1985, Andrew Thornton died from a parachuting accident while smuggling cocaine - the same cocaine a Black Bear found in the woods and ate - and this is where the film starts. We've got a dead drug smuggler, a couple out hiking, police on the hunt for where the drugs might have ended up, drug dealers trying to find the stash before the police do, a trio of teen thugs, two kids who ditched school to go paint at a waterfall and horny Ranger Liz who is put out that some woman has come along distracting her man candy by wanting to find her missing child.... all while a drugged up bear is on a killing rampage looking for more cocaine.

Margot Martindale gives a standout performance as the ranger desperate for some loving. This 71 year old is proving you're never too old to star in an action movie: she's snarky, gets her ass beat by a bear and has a total inability to aim her gun and she's only mildly apologetic about it. Another scene-stealer was Christian Convery who plays the school-ditching Henry. That kid is 12 going on 40. He's having a day and he's done with it.

Despite an MA15+ rating, a fair amount of the bear-related violence is off screen but they don't hold back on showing us the blood and guts of it all. Maybe that was a choice since it's a CGI bear, but sometimes less is more. Personally, I don't think it took anything away from the film not being able to watch a leg get gnawed off.

If the packed cinema tonight was anything to go by, Cocaine Bear is 95 minutes of non-stop laughs with just enough flying body parts to make you cringe and one scene in particular made the guy sitting next to us cringe quite a bit. There was no missing his uncomfortable groans. I even caught my friend covering her eyes a few times. Intestines are not her cup of tea it seems and it's possible she will never trust me again when I tell her "it's just a comedy". Myself on the other hand, grinned from start to finish. Who doesn't love limbs flying across the screen?

I loved every single minute of this movie. It's hilarious. It's got a fantastic script, acting, awesome make up work and the bear looks incredible. Elizabeth Banks is underrated as a director and I hope this film gets her some more attention in Hollywood. If not, I look forward to the rumoured Cocaine Shark film she wants to make next after New Zealand police found 3.5 tons of cocaine in the Pacific Ocean earlier this month. Real life will never stop being an inspiration.
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Terror Train (2022)
2/10
Watch the 1980 version instead.
26 February 2023
It should be law that if you can't improve upon a film, then you aren't allowed to remake it.

The 1980 classic is just that, a classic. It has atmosphere, suspense, cool masks, David Copperfield is so creepy you think HE'S the killer and a twist you never see coming.

Then there's this movie. They've tried to copy the opening scene and it doesn't feel believable. The OG had the nerdiest looking guy alive so you could believe he needed a hand finding a girl, remake nerd definitely doesn't fit the mould. The movie includes fun phrases like "cancelled", "you do not have my consent to touch me" and there's lots of people holding their smartphones to film literally every thing that happens no matter how lame. If you just want to see a lot of fake blood then I guess you'll like this version. They've tried to change the plot with the constant 'who dunnit' but it just starts to feel ridiculous.

The one thing that's creepier in this version is the 40-something magician hitting on the college student. Gross dude.
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Grimcutty (2022)
3/10
Shame it didn't stick to reality
26 February 2023
Warning: Spoilers
Grimcutty is clearly inspired by Momo and sadly if they'd just stuck to the reality of some super creeper putting a scary face into tv shows for toddlers and telling them to do bad things then this movie might have been scary. Instead we've got a poser with a youtube channel who insists on giving her parents hell, puts her little brother in danger, and some supernatural crap where the parents freak out over their kids using the internet which brings the Grimcutty to life BUT only the kid can see it, not the parents.

The Grimcutty close up, has a cool looking face but what on earth is happening with his body? He's got no neck. It's comical. He looks like that guy from Minions.

The worst thing about Grimcutty is the wannabe YouTube blogger's incessant need to whisper her videos. This is not calming guys. It is not zen. It's infuriating.

While in general I'm not a fan, I can see the point it's attempting to make: Momo was an internet hoax which became viral wildfire because of hysterical parents. There was no threat, they imagined one. This movie tries to take that up a notch but I don't think it worked.
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1/10
Offensive trash
26 February 2023
Every time I think I've seen the worst movie ever made, something else comes along to make me realise no...THIS is the worst movie ever made.

Christmas Cruelty lives up to its name in its opening few minutes while some fat guy rapes a woman in front of her family and then murders the infant with a chainsaw. Then we get an hour of nothingness. They could have chopped about 20 minutes off the runtime if they didn't have montage scenes to the full length of soft rock songs. Nobody needs 3-4 minutes of watching three people get drunk, or some guy at his desk. If you can't give your film a decent plot line or write enough dialogue for a full length film, then make a short. Or maybe that's what the Christmas Cruelty is, that we sat through this waiting for something to happen? Eventually the ending happens and once the depravity is over the credits roll.

This movie was offensive. One character is just non-stop with the misogynistic/ableist dialogue and you can forgive yourself for laughing at it the first time out of shock but it gets old really fast. It also has some of the worst film editing of all time.

If you don't mind a film with no plot and is straight up torture porn and gore, knock yourself out you'll love it!
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7/10
It's a good movie, but it's not great.
26 February 2023
M. Night Shyamalan has had his share of hits and misses over the years, but after the 2021 release of Old rekindled my interest in his work, I was curious if Knock At The Cabin would be another winner. It's been four days since I watched it and I'm still not sure how I feel about the film.

The movie wastes no time giving the story a beginning or any kind of character development and takes us straight into the woods with young Wen (Kristen Cui) out collecting grasshoppers when she is approached by Leonard (Dave Bautista). Leonard is a big guy, but is very mild-mannered and soft-spoken. He looks like a beefed-up Jehovah's Witness, to be honest. However, Wen is a smart kid who knows not to talk to strangers so when Leonard suggests they play a game asking each other questions, her first question is straight to the point - "why are you here?"

Wen is sufficiently creeped out as Leonard's acquaintances arrive holding large weapons and she runs to her adoptive parents, Eric and Andrew, who are out the back completely unaware of what's happening. After some intense knocking on the door followed by the assailants attempting to break in, Eric and Andrew are tied up and faced with one massive life-altering decision: They must sacrifice one member of their family to save humanity from the apocalypse. If they don't, everyone on the planet - except them - will die. Personally, I'm not seeing a problem there. People are awful. To prove the apocalypse has arrived, Leonard turns on the television. If it's on the television then it must be true right? The news shows stories of enormous tidal waves, blizzards, a child-killing plague and planes falling from the sky. Leonard explains that they were brought together by mutual visions and it's their mission to help save the planet from destruction.

As the story unfolds it's up to Eric and Andrew to decide if the intruders are telling the truth or just some deluded cult, a decision made particularly difficult by Eric's concussion.

We're all accustomed to M. Night Shyamalan films having a 'woah' moment as the big twist reveals what we thought we knew was completely wrong, but this is not that kind of movie. Unlike most of his filmography including Signs, The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable, Shyamalan didn't write this story. Knock at the Cabin is based on the novel The Cabin At The End of the World by Paul Tremblay. So when you go to the cinema, just chill and watch what is happening on the big screen, because there's no need to prove you're smarter than one of the detectives on Law and Order.

So as I said at the start, I'm unsure how I feel about Knock At The Cabin because, to be honest, it's a film that makes you think. It's not some popcorn movie that gives you a cheap thrill for two hours and you continue with your day. The storyline of Knock At The Cabin stays with you and prompts discussion. Perhaps that's a sign of a good movie? I did enjoy it, I just didn't love it. The film has made one noticeable change from the book's plot line and it's a travesty they left it out because it really would have amped up the feeling of dread I felt was lacking. When you consider the insanity that was 2020 (Australia was on fire, the Covid pandemic, murder hornets, aliens and Kanye West announcing he was going to run for President) the news programming doesn't seem all that strange.
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2/10
There's no warning to females, no horror, no thrills.
26 February 2023
For a movie claiming it "serves to warn other young women" about the dangers of auditions I really expected more. Having been a photographer I'm more than well aware of the stories models have told about creepy situations and we've all read multiple news articles where women have been murdered replying to casting calls...but here we have a movie where literally nothing happens. A sea of mannequins at the very end (a possible homage to Maniac) and a few quick scenes drawing on photographs with lipstick isn't warning me about anything other than maybe I should stop watching movies on Tubi. Any rating I'm giving is to Alexandra Dreyfus for carrying this entire film.
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