NoDakTatum Reviews

Backwoods (1988)

Back Would, But Then Didn't

[4/10 · 9 December 2023]

**SPOILERS**Don't you just hate when a movie grabs you, shakes you around a little bit, then completely insults your intelligence to the point that you are sorely disappointed by it? "Backwoods" does just that. Jamie (Brad Armacost) and Karen (Christine Noonan) are cute boyfriend/girlfriend who are biking through the midwest. They stop to camp in a remote part of the forest, after being warned away by the stereotypical nerdy forest ranger (Gary Lott), and are watched by an unseen presence. They are awakened by Eben (Dick Kreusser) and his injured daughter, Beth (Leslie Denise). As doctor Jamie performs an emergency tracheotomy and saves Beth, weird Eben invites the pair back to his even more remote home, which is on a neat acre lot and looks a lot like a public park. Unfortunately, Jamie keeps tripping over the bodies of headless chickens, and Karen is full of herself for helping out these poor "Deliverance"-like characters. Eben is a little weird, believing a woman's place is not with a man, and he keeps drinking moonshine out of a mason jar. Suddenly, Eben's brain damaged son William (Jack O'Hara) appears, scaring Karen when she goes for one of those nude swims in an isolated lake, something everyone does when they go camping. Karen is chased by William back to Eben's house, where Eben promptly beats William. It turns out William was mauled by a dog as a toddler and ain't been right since. The dog had William by the head in his jaws, and William has been reciprocating over the years by biting the heads off of small woodland animals. How's that for Horror Movie Psychology 101? Karen and Jamie stay on to make sure Beth is okay, and William, all drool and hissing noises, gets stranger and stranger. It comes out that William killed Eben's second wife (Beth's mom), and is fixated on Karen because her hair is like that of William's mother (Eben's first wife). Up until this point, everything is above average. The small cast does a good job, and Crow's direction is very good considering an obviously small budget. Karen and Jamie fight and talk like a real couple. They are not two horny teenagers, like you might expect from films of this type. And then comes the climax. (SPOILER) Karen, not learning her lesson from the nude swim, feels the need to change her top in broad daylight in Eben's front yard, knowing full well that William must be lurking somewhere nearby. William attacks Karen. Eben and Jamie come arunnin' from their coon hunt, both drunk on moonshine. Jamie shoots William in the chest. William does not die. Eben has a fatal heart attack and William attacks Jamie, biting his neck. As William drags Jamie off into the woods, with Beth fighting her half-brother, Karen blindly fires the shotgun at the trio...William comes back out of the woods, sees Eben, and goes to him, trying to get his father to hit him for old time's sake. Karen, now sporting a large axe, approaches the distracted William...and...RUNS AWAY WITHOUT KILLING HIM. Later, after finding the nerdy ranger murdered, Karen is able to become MacGyver, making a booby trap for William out of fishing line and hooks. She is able to complete one of horror's most elaborate killer traps with no interference from the crazed William, who minutes before was right on her heels. William gets caught in the trap, seems to die, and the epilogue here involves a new crazy backwoodsman now biting the heads off chickens.

The first forty five minutes or an hour of this was pretty entertaining, despite a few awkward scenes here and there, but deciding that the viewers are a bunch of morons is a bad decision on the film makers' part. Also, once again, we get the mental deficient as the evil killer, thereby scapegoating an entire minority of people who can rarely speak for themselves to begin with. Plus, there is no supernatural connotations in the film, yet William survives a shotgun blast to the chest for no other reason than to make the film longer. "Backwoods" was also known as "Geek," a reference to William's character. He is called that by Jamie, the doctor with no bedside manner, and Karen, the woman dumb enough to run from a perfect opportunity to do away with a killer but smart enough to make a lethal weapon out of some tackle box items. The film almost had me, but thanks to the dumbing down of the climax, I cannot recommend "Backwoods."

The Bad Seed (1956)

The Bad Seen

[3/10 · 9 December 2023]

Hello, welcome to yet another negative review of a revered film. A classic in the suspense field, this 1950's film does not live up to its reputation. Rhoda (Patty McCormack) is a perfect little pig-tailed eight year old. She is overloved by her military dad, stoic mom, and even the frumpy landlady from upstairs. Her hunky father (William Hopper) leaves on temporary duty, and Christine (Nancy Kelly) is alone with Rhoda. A child dies at a school picnic, and it comes out that Rhoda was the last to see him alive. Rhoda really really wanted little Claude's penmanship medal, something she felt she should have won. Christine begins to suspect all is not perfect with little Rhoda. She shows no emotion at losing the classmate, and somehow ends up with the disputed medal. Christine begins consulting with amateur psychologist/landlady Monica (Evelyn Varden), and a criminologist. Much is made of environment playing the main role in a child's criminal behavior, not genetics. As Christine begins suspecting Rhoda more, weird handyman Leroy (Henry Jones, who is great) begins teasing Rhoda, knowing she was involved. Christine's reporter dad (Paul Fix) drops by with the bombshell that Christine was in fact adopted and her birth mother was a murderer whose case the father was covering. As Christine tries to battle these life changing issues, another major character dies. Christine then makes the decision to stop Rhoda's murderous habits for good, and take herself out of the picture as well.

While often placed in the horror section of video stores, this is more Hitchcockian suspense than anything. On the positive, it does contain some creepy scenes. When McCormack describes how she killed her classmate, I got chills down my spine. Also Kelly's recounting of her recurring dream about escaping from her real mother's house when she was a toddler is also good. Kelly and McCormack deserved their Oscar nominations for these brief scenes alone. Director LeRoy makes no bones about this story's popularity on the stage first, and there are too many scenes set in Christine's living room. He does not try to open it up enough, and instead of claustrophobia, boredom sets in. It is one thing for a mother not wanting to believe the worst of her child, it is another when the mother seems too stupid not to believe the worst. LeRoy overplays everyone's love for the child, to the point of nausea. While the audience knows the child is a killer, we must sit through quite a few static dialogue scenes before others figure it out. While Jones is good as Leroy, it seems his fate is put near the end of the film so we would not be mad at Christine, who could have stopped her daughter from harming him. He is made lecherous and weird, so we won't feel bad when anything happens to him. The cast here is way over the top. Much of the gestures are very broad, and even the speech delivery is overly theatrical. The cast still seems to be playing for a live audience, and there is not the intimacy of film in the execution here. Eileen Heckart is the dead boy's drunk grieving mom, and plays her as that and nothing more. A word about the ending. The cast is called back out for a curtain call, just like onstage. Then actress Kelly play-spanks actress McCormack, both laughing. I do not know if this was supposed to diffuse the downer ending, but instead it negates it, trying too hard to remind the audience that this is just a movie. Despite the few tense scenes, this is a very dry and boring film. The cast tries to liven it, but they try too hard, resulting in overacting an underwritten story. I hate to do this, and I may be the only one on this planet, but I do not recommend "The Bad Seed."

The Badge (2002)

We Don't Need No Stinkin' The Badge

[4/10 · 9 December 2023]

Billy Bob Thornton plays Darl, a sheriff in a backwater Louisiana town who investigates a murder with plenty of suspects. The film also suffers from too many players. The opening credits indicate over half a dozen companies and ELEVEN executive producers contributed to the making of "The Badge," and it shows. The film is a mess. Thornton investigates the murder of a transsexual found shot to death in the swamp. The transsexual's wife, Scarlet (Patricia Arquette) comes to town to claim the body, and knows right away Darl does not have a chance of solving this crime. Darl has other subplots on his hands (take a breath): his daughter is a goth running with the wrong crowd, his ex-wife (Sela Ward) is the district attorney cozying up to the governor running for reelection, his father is a gun-toting drunk and former sheriff, his brother (Thomas Haden Church) is gay and Darl helped run him out of town, Darl is sleeping with one of his deputy's wives, Darl knows the local bar waitress is not 21, he steals merchandise from wrecked semis and hands it out to townspeople, his judge/mentor (William Devane) has him around his little finger, a former lover (Julie Hagerty) is a born again Christian trying to stop Devane's new area casino, another deputy is recruited to run against him for sheriff, and he cannot find his sunglasses (whew!). Darl and Scarlet investigate, running into one of those conspiracies that can only happen in the movies, and the killer is eventually unmasked.

The heaviness of all these characters weighed on me like a four meat deep dish pizza. I did not take notes about each and every character because that would mean transcribing the entire film's dialogue, and they really do not matter once everything is said and done. Robby Henson has written a top-heavy script filled with homages, or borrowed ideas, from films like "Affliction," "The Crying Game," "Flawless," and every episode of "Law & Order" ever made, with a little John Grisham thriller added for spice. If he had trimmed even three or four of these people, the film would have been tighter. Henson's direction has a nice look to it, but he eventually succumbs to speeding up and slowing down his footage arbitrarily, which annoys me to no end. Here is a question I always have about these types of films: if the central cop is always so crooked, and decides the film's central murder is the one time he can redeem himself, why don't the conspirators pay him off to look the other way before he gets an attack of conscience? The main reason this is not a one star review rests in the sure hands of Thornton and Arquette. Thornton is so sincere and humble in his role, you cannot help but feel for Darl. We watch his life collapse around him, he is dropped from the reelection ticket and falsely accused of statutory rape, and we do sympathize. Arquette's Scarlet is a woman who has lived this life in love with a transsexual, but finds the taunts and violence still hurt. Both actors do an outstanding job, and almost pull the picture off. "The Badge" is written like a foul mouthed two hour episode of "In the Heat of the Night" meets "The Dukes of Hazzard." Yeah, neither one of those shows ever worked well, either.

Baoh the Caller (1989 Video)

Take a Baoh

[8/10 · 9 December 2023]

Japanese anime is an acquired taste, either you find it pretty cool, or you are bored stupid by it. This one is pretty cool. Dubbed in English, Baoh is actually Ikuroo (voiced by Brian Hinnant), a seventeen year old amnesiac traveling with young girl Sumire (voiced by Kem Helms). The opening chase onboard a train shows Sumire has special powers. Ikuroo has escaped from a pod being controlled by evil Dr. Kasuminome (voiced by Mike Way). He refers to Ikuroo as "Baoh." Kasuminome has found a way to speed up evolution with the help of a parasitic worm that lives in the host experiment. The worm changes the host as needed, usually making them unstoppable in a fight. The villains send cyborg hitman Dordo (voiced by Dave Underwood) to kill Ikuroo and Sumire after others have failed. Ikuroo keeps recovering from seemingly deadly wounds, the only way to completely stop a baoh is to shoot it in the head and then torch the body. Dordo is dead, but Walken (voiced by Chuck Denson) waits in the wings. Walken is a powerful Native American. The bad guys capture Sumire and use her to lure Ikuroo to the secret lab, unaware that Ikuroo is experiencing baoh powers that no one could foresee. At fifty minutes, the action is quick and the plot sparse as Ikuroo finally meets his evil creator, and tries to rescue Sumire.

Unlike a lot of anime I have seen, this piece does not feel like the first episode of a series we never get to complete. The story is self contained, but does leave room for a sequel. Ikuroo's baoh is pretty cool looking, as is the giant Walken. The pace is brisk, and the gore is heavy. Kiddies expecting Pokemon will be grossed out and probably have nightmares. I could easily picture this as a live action, big budget action flick. The story is certainly interesting, if not overpopulated with characters, and the hero is likable, whether severing his own arm in order to escape Walken or giving Sumire a mouthful of his own blood to revive her after an attack. "Baoh the Visitor" is nothing earth shattering, but plenty entertaining. Ignore the lousy end credits songs, the nerdy baoh powers literally spelled out for you on the screen, and enjoy the carnage.

Barabbas (1961)

This is Not Your Father's Wishy Washy Biblical Epic

[9/10 · 9 December 2023]

This is a violent, dark, and sometimes depressing story that is quite a change from many religious films. Based on a novel, this film imagines what happened to Barabbas after he was chosen over Jesus to be released before crucifixion. Anthony Quinn is a perfect choice as the unrepentant thief who goes back to the world he knows- crime and carousing. His favorite prostitute Rachel (Silvana Mangano), however, has become a Christian and is later stoned for it. Barabbas is not just an observer, he sees Jesus go to the crucifixion, and later finds Rachel at the open grave. Barabbas goes back to his old gang of thieves, murders the new leaders, and they rob some Jewish clerics. Caught, he is sent to the sulfur mines for life, where he meets Christian Sahak (Vittorio Gassman). Barabbas survives in the mine for twenty years, refusing to die. He is tormented by the memory of his near death years before, and he sees the sacrifice Jesus made not just for him, but for all of us. Barabbas and Sahak survive a cave-in at the mine, and are taken to Rome as good luck charms by a newly appointed senator's wife. They are recruited to fight in the coliseum, ruled by maniacal gladiator Torvald played by a very young Jack Palance. The duo also make contact with Christian servant Lucius, Ernest Borgnine in a small but good role. Sahak dies for his beliefs at the hands of Torvald, and Barabbas has his bloody revenge on the field. Granted his freedom, Barabbas takes Sahak's body to a group of Christians, who reject Barabbas' half-hearted attempts at Christianity. Barabbas misunderstands God's word and helps in the torching of Rome, eventually ending up a martyr himself.

Just under two and a half hours, there are a few slow spots. The cast is excellent, however, and Fleischer does an impressive job with a cast of thousands. No CGI to rely on here, Fleischer uses his assorted set pieces to their fullest extent without trying to fix or better anything in editing. What is left are a series of scenes that can stand on their own as highlights in early 1960's film making, when the cinema was hotly competing with television to win viewers back. The stoning of Rachel, the sulfur mine collapse, the burning of Rome: all are unforgettable. Two stretches of the film are very memorable. First, an extended sequence between Torvald and Barabbas fighting in the coliseum. There is no dialogue, just brutal violence and action. Another scene is the final tracking shot of dozens of crucified Christians, including the now ironic Barabbas. This shot sent chills down my spine. This film is very dark and very different. Barabbas is a man torn between his heathen upbringing, and what he knows is right through what he has witnessed in Jerusalem and Rome, no matter how much he denies what he has seen. Produced by Dino DeLaurentiis in Italy, this film has a European feel that makes it different and lends a certain credibility to the proceedings. The Oscar heavy cast does not fall victim to any preachy speeches or effects laden miracles, these are seemingly ordinary people caught up in tumultuous times. I highly recommend "Barabbas" to any film fan, especially those who think "Gladiator" is the only decent sword and sandals epic out there.

The Barber (2002)

The Barber of Tha Kill

[7/10 · 9 December 2023]

Malcolm McDowell is Dexter, your typical elderly small town Alaskan barber who is put out a bit when his latest murder victim is discovered before the spring thaw. Revelstoke, Alaska has two hundred and fifty people, and almost complete darkness in the winter. A seasonal disorder afflicts the population, who self-medicate with booze and sleeping with Lucy (Jen Martinez), the "popular" girl, in the back of her taxi cab. Lucy disappears, and two drunken morons, Levi (Philip Granger) and Buffalo (C. Ernst Harth), discover her body out on the tundra. Local police chief Corgan (Jeremy Ratchford) is immediately called in, and immediately over his head, with a murder investigation. Cool FBI agent Crawley (Garwin Sanford) is then called in, and begins investigating the murders, as another local girl, Sally (Brenda James) turns up dead. Crawley begins letting the town get to him- he's drinking and dallying with the police secretary Jewels (Erin Wright). Corgan is suspended, and he begins his own investigation of the murders. And who sits in the middle of all of this, clipping hair and keeping quiet? Dexter, the barber, who is in fact the killer. This is no spoiler, Dexter freely admits to the killing spree in his narration.

The film's suspense comes from Dexter trying not to get caught, but also trying to keep his homicidal rage under control- it has a tendency to rise through his calm demeanor once in a while. The entire film is a cat and mouse game between the cops and Dexter, and the cat has no idea who the mouse is. There are no onscreen murders, just crime photo aftermaths, and this heightens the tension. McDowell is always good, and does a great job here. Ratchford plays Corgan as kinda dumb, but kinda smart, too; he never turns him into a backwoods idiot. Garwin Sanford as Crawley is all anger and business until he starts living like local townspeople, and begins to slide. The rest of the supporting cast are full of stereotypes, as all Alaskan women are loose and lonely, and all the men are drunk and lonely. Bafaro shot this in Revelstoke, British Columbia, so the snowy setting is authentic. There is just one daytime scene, the rest are night, and the cinematography is great. The script does take a few too many conveniences at the clever finale. This should have ended five minutes before it did. If you are looking for something along the lines of Corbin Bernsen's goofy "The Dentist" series, look elsewhere. "The Barber" is not a typical slasher film, even has a couple of laughs, and is strongly anchored by some good acting.

Baron Blood (1972)

Blood Clot

[5/10 · 9 December 2023]

In Europe, Dr. Hummel (Massimo Girotti) meets his hunky nephew Peter (Antonio Cantafora) at the airport, and begin verbalizing one of the most inane horror scripts ever written (by Vincent Fotre). Peter decides to do a little family history research, and he meets up with cutie restoration expert Eva (Elke Sommer) at the old ancestral castle. It was owned by a baron, known as the title, thanks to his penchant for torture in the dungeon and hanging impaled victims from the tower ramparts. Baron Blood was cursed by a witch, and sent to a very hot place run by a very red angry former angel, but Eva and Peter happen to have the witch's incantation to revive the Baron. Incantated, the decomposing Baron wanders around the countryside, killing Austrians. As most of the supporting cast is dispatched by a caped figure with a broad brimmed hat, Eva and Peter cannot figure out how to get rid of him again. Their ancient parchment was accidentally torched. They go back to Dr. Hummel for help. Cue the mysterious Becker (Joseph Cotten) who swoops in and buys the castle, fixing it up and taking a special interest in Eva. With the help of clairvoyant Christina (Rada Rassimov), Hummel, Eva, and Peter tour Becker's castle, and defeat the baron.

Mario Bava is a cult icon in the world of Italian cinema, and this film proves why. He has some horrifying shots, the Baron is very scary. There are too many shots of Eva being chased, but enough creepy shots happen to make it entertaining. On the other hand- Elke Sommer. Elke is awful, overacting and constantly screaming at the slightest provocation- zombie or otherwise. The script will have Eva running for her life one minute, then smooching with Peter the next, never keeping her in any sort of character. Many scenes here could have been cut, it is unbelievable that poor Joseph Cotten is not wheeled in until almost half way through. I forgot he was in the picture. This is the ninety eight minute version of "Baron Blood," the film released in the U. S. was only ninety minutes. The added gore scenes are not all that spectacular, I have seen bloodier on "The X Files." Elite/Video Treasures has released this on VHS video letterboxed, but the sound quality is awful. I kept having to max the volume out on my television trying to hear dialogue, only to be deafened by the silly European score. All in all, if you are an Italian horror buff, you might take this out. Bava's direction is worth the price of rental. Just do not get this expecting a great work of literature. Once again, Bava outclasses his material.

Bats (1999)

Guano

[2/10 · 9 December 2023]

Take flight, or hide in a cave, either way you cannot escape the stupidity of this film. Dina Meyer is the beautiful bat zoologist Sheila, who is recruited to fly to little Gallup, Texas to investigate some strange bat attacks. Her wisecracking assistant, Jimmy (Leon), is along, able to lighten any bloody situation with a "funny" line. In west Texas, she meets with hunky sheriff Kimsey (Lou Diamond Phillips). Sheila and Kimsey immediately do the cute verbal sparring routine, and investigate the strange bat attacks while making goo-goo eyes at each other. Our bat hunting crew is completed by CDC guy/"I'll be dead before you know it" Hodge (Carlos Jacott) and the mad scientist McCabe (Bob Gunton). The group looks at the remains of a couple of people who were killed in the opening minutes by the bats. The bats were genetically mutated by McCabe, and this mutation is being passed on to other local bats. These bats are collective and able to work together to achieve a common goal- eat people. The small town of Gallup is overrun, in a seriously flawed flight of reason, and everyone is evacuated, except our bat hunters. Using satellite technology, they discover the bats are hanging out in an abandoned mine, and they must get rid of them before the military (who ain't got time to listen to book smart science-types, they just want to blow stuff up) drops a few bombs on the place -which would actually release the bats across the country- but who said they ever had the public's good in mind? Typical Hollywood military treatment. As military jets that haven't been used in fifteen years fly toward the mine, Sheila, Kimsey, and Jimmy work to blow things up themselves, saving the audience from bats and a suggested sequel.

Believe everything negative you have heard about "Bats." The screenwriter's idea of character development is to have the sheriff listen to opera while the group barricades themselves in an abandoned school. Why did the evil McCabe make the evil bats? Don't really know, there are some vague mumblings about the perfect killing machines (something we have never encountered before in superior films) and being able to control them, but we never get a sense of a master diabolical plan. Leon, who has been much better in other films, is embarrassing here. He is given such weak comic relief, I am wondering if he read the script before he signed on. In the first bat attack on the bat hunters, Kimsey and Sheila jump in the sheriff's cars in the nick of time- and then he cannot find his car keys. The characters all march around, huffing and full of themselves, and begin lines with such trite and true dialogue as "let me get this straight, you knew about..." and "are you saying you knew about..." and "if we don't make it you know what to do..." I do believe this is the first draft, not a final screenplay, for a motion picture. The special effects are good and bad. The gore scenes are strong and convincing. The bats are not. One great scene has Kimsey and Sheila running for said sheriff's car, with mountains in the background that seem to be exploding in swarms of bats. Too bad we could not keep the flying rodents at a distance, and the effects degenerate into unconvincing CGI and awful puppetry on par with a third grade assembly. The film's cinematography is gorgeous, better than the film deserves. Every scene is well lit and imaginatively expensive looking. Until the effects started sucking, I thought this was going to be a misunderstood multi-million dollar film. Mourneau is not a bad director, he seems to have been overwhelmed by a poor script and poorer effects. He lets stupid stuff get through: the small town's movie theater marquee reads "Now Playing Nosferatu" (har-dee-har-har); and the weak excuse on why the town did not go indoors when warned is because "we're Texans, and we don't want no one tellin' us things we think we already know." I am originally from Texas, I have family in Texas, and "Bats" knows nothing about Texas (it was filmed in Utah). At least Texans, and the rest of the U. S., knew enough not to flock INTO the theater when this was showing. "Bats" has gained a notable reputation for its badness, resulting in the near career deaths of Dina Meyer and Lou Diamond Phillips. I cannot recommend this loser.

The Biggest Battle (1978)

Battle Forced

[4/10 · 9 December 2023]

Umberto Lenzi used a more American sounding alias for this video version of a film also known by at least half a dozen other names. If ever there was a prime candidate for a really good DVD transfer and deleted scenes restoration, this might be it. The big name cast meet at Berlin in 1936 after the Olympics. British correspondent O'Hara (John Huston), German officer Roland (Stacy Keach), and American general Foster (Henry Fonda) exchange pleasantries and small tokens of friendship, denying that the three countries would ever be at war. We know better. Eventually, but indirectly, the paths of the three men cross in North Africa.

Trying to follow all of these paths, plus those of characters who really have nothing to do with the main plot, gets to be a chore. Samantha Eggar is Roland's half Jewish wife. The main characters are set, but then the film begins jumping forward in time to major European battles without much characterization or set up. We see Foster's son (Ray Lovelock) get through the war, and Foster himself spends the rest of his scenes in an office waiting for word about him. Sadly, someone forgot to tell Huston he was playing a Brit, since he makes no attempt at an accent. It is funny to hear him call his protege "Yank" in a completely Midwestern American accent. Orson Welles provides ominous narration to try to keep the proceedings moving along, but characters are introduced, play their little scene, and are dropped immediately. The vignettes eventually get in the way of some very spectacular war footage, not much of it being stock. There is a tank battle that probably looked fabulous on the big screen. The English speaking actors are alright, but much of the Italian cast is badly dubbed. Despite some top flight talent, "Battle Force" feels like a miniseries sliced into a ninety minute film. Lenzi seems more interested in action than dialogue, and it shows. I do not recommend this, except for the action scenes.

Battle Queen 2020 (2001)

Hinder Sight is 2020

[2/10 · 9 December 2023]

Julie Strain teams with Roger Corman for a terrible science fiction epic shot with a budget equal to the amount of change under your couch cushions. A giant asteroid has hit the Earth and wiped out most of the population. Some do survive. The Elites are a group of cigar chomping high rollers who have plenty of mistresses and little care for the normal folk (yes, just like the U. S. Congress). The rest of the people live underground, where they hold out that the rebel army, and you just knew there would be a rebel army, will deliver them from the Elites. Strain is Gayle, the head mistress of the Elites. She is busy sleeping with the Elite leader, Spencer (Jeff Wincott). Crazy Dr. Braxton (Bill Baker) has underground dwellers kidnapped and takes their brain glands, keeping the Elites immortal. Military style leader Manson (Brian Frank) is tired of Spencer's softening with the underground people, and plots a coup. In the meantime, Gayle meets a cute little girl, and you just knew there would be a cute little girl, and young Clare (Jade Kroll) shows Gayle that there is more to live for than just constant wealth and sex...I guess.

As with any Julie Strain film, I marveled at her immense screen presence, and how her physical stature dwarfs all the other silliness going on. Most of the film is shot on a cheesy soundstage that looks like it was rented in between porn shoots. The special effects are awful. Cheap computer animation is everywhere. The script can be blamed on four writers and an "additional writing" credit. Plotlines are introduced and dropped- Gayle's brother, little sick Billy, new mistress Michelle- all especially noticeable in an eighty minute film. D'or's direction is standard, you cannot show the world your true cinematic vision with a two room set, a five dollar budget, and half a dozen clueless extras. Listen for the voiceover, as a grown up Clare laments her days spent in the brothel. Or Gayle's hypothermia treatment, where warm water is cascaded over her chest. Or the goofy actionless escape sequence, where the narrator must tell you what happens, instead of the audience actually seeing a fight. Or the laughable finale, with some of the worst computer animation ever rendered. Enjoy "Battle Queen 2020" on a "bad movie" level.

Battlefield Baseball (2003)

This Movie Doesn't Have Enough Balls

[5/10 · 9 December 2023]

The exploitation fan in me could not wait to slam this sucker in the DVD player and be blown off the couch by wall to wall sick comedy and sicker gore. Instead, I was "mildly amused" for about an hour and a half. Seido High School has an incredible baseball team. Everyone but nerdy student Four Eyes (Atsushi Ito) is at their best, and they are totally prepared for the big tournament coming up. Rumors spread around school about the new student transferring in, Jubeh (Tak Sakaguchi), and then the school's principal Kocho gets horrific news. Seido will be playing Gedo High School in the tourney's opening round. Gedo is made up of monstrous, gray skinned zombies who literally kill their opponents. Jubeh is spotted playing a new kind of baseball- fighting baseball- and is recruited to join the team (think Jackie Earle Haley in the original "The Bad News Bears"). Jubeh refuses, singing a song about why, his father was killed in a game of catch, and Seido is annihilated by Gedo. Our heroic team bands together to play Gedo again, complete with Jubeh, some robotics, and touching narration explaining the bigger philosophies of the game- from a dog.

With the cool DVD cover, I was expecting something completely different. Yes, there are some laughs in "Battlefield Baseball." The Head Teacher who is in a constant state of hysterics. Jubeh's tortured turmoil at going back to baseball. The hilarious cheerleaders. Jubeh's family reunion. The constant use of slapstick. All kind of funny. The gore is badly done, though. The fake blood looks really fake, as does the fake body parts. The zombie make-up is cheap and unconvincing. For a horror comedy, the film does not seem to get either one right. I wanted the gore and the laughs to be bigger and make an impression on my otherwise jaded conscience. Instead, I sat watching the film with a goofy grin on my face, and forgot it pretty soon after. Sakaguchi looks like a Japanese Johnny Depp, and Yamaguchi's direction is over the top and often very clever. The old Subversive Cinema does another good DVD job, with making-of features, a really goofy subtitled commentary, strange short films, and trailers. I wish the film had been as good as the hype and extras.

The Beast in the Cellar (1971)

The Bore in the Cellar

[3/10 · 9 December 2023]

Beryl Reid is Ellie and Flora Robson is Joyce in this very British, and very dull, horror effort. The film seems like a stage play, as soldiers from a local base are murdered by what seems to be an animal. Ellie and Joyce are spinster sisters living in an isolated house, regularly visited by another young corporal. Ellie and Joyce realize their brother Steven might be responsible for the murders since the victims are all uniformed servicemen, Steven wanted to be in the military, and, oh yeah, he has been walled up in the basement for thirty years.

The attacks on the soldiers are all closeups and blurry shots. The majority of the film has Ellie and Joyce arguing about mundane matters, dancing around the fact that they are sure they know who the killer is. Later in the film, Beryl Reid is given a very nice long scene as she talks to the police about her upbringing, and the circumstances of Steven's imprisonment. Flora Robson is equally good as the level headed sister with a warped maternal instinct. Because the films feels like a play, there are some very long dull stretches here. The attacks on the soldiers may have been an effort to open the proceedings up a bit, but as horror, this does not work. Also, the running time reads 89 minutes, and online research has a version listed with thirteen additional minutes. This is obvious in a couple of very strange edits and shortened scenes. There is also little suspense to the killer's identity, since all the reviews and video box notes I read told of the brother. The cast does not figure it out until well into the film. Reid and Robson, two grand dames of British film and television, are excellent in their roles. It is too bad director Kelley could not come up with better material to match his actresses' performances.

The Beast Within (1982)

The Beast Without Scares

[2/10 · 9 December 2023]

Two newlyweds in 1965 get stuck on a lonely highway in Mississippi, and the guy walks back up the highway for help. A monster happens by, kills the dog, and assaults the new bride. Seventeen years later, the offspring son of that assault is having medical problems, and the now older married couple make like Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys Mysteries, going back to the small town near where she was attacked, hoping to find clues as to who the "father" was. The son follows, develops a thirst for blood, and attacks people related to a murder from years before. At this point, I began to lose track of most of the names of characters and the stereotypical rubes they trot out just because this is how Hollywood thinks people from the South act. You would think Cox would have learned his lesson after "Deliverance." Eventually, we find out the bride was attacked by the local chained up cannibal, who somehow has been reincarnated in its offspring's body. Gore and mayhem follow.

There are incredible leaps in logic here that are never explained. How does the son know to follow the parents to the small town? Why does Cox get to ride with the cops and basically have his run of things? At one point, a character asks the same question, and he is never answered either. How did the creature get the power to take over the identity of his son, shedding his offspring's skin like a snake? Why does the creature resemble a giant brown Pillsbury dough boy, covered in sugary glaze? We probably will never know. The film has a good, expensive look to it, but we are treated to a rube who slaps his teenage girl around, not one but TWO scenes of the creature raping women he finds passed out in the woods, and one of the longest monster transformation scenes ever put on film. I am surprised no cast member checked their watch as they watched the teenage son turn into the assaulting, human flesh eating, creature. Everyone just stands, stares, and gasps. An abrupt ending is just the slime on the cake of one icky film. "The Beast Within" is without merit.

Beautiful Darling (2010)

I Want Candy, and Got This Excellent Documentary

[10/10 · 9 December 2023]

Of all the documentaries I have seen about Andy Warhol and his Superstars, I always found myself fascinated with the one person who had not been given her own film, until this. When Andy Warhol began making avant-garde films in the 1960's (it was easier than painting, he said), he used as performers anyone who walked through the doors of his infamous Factory. Many of those people are known today, thanks in part to the documentaries about their lives: Brigid Berlin, Nico, Jackie Curtis, and others. Candy Darling, along with Curtis and Holly Woodlawn, made up a star trio of female impersonators who appeared in the film "Women in Revolt" and became Superstars- back when you had to earn your self-anointed title. Of the three, Darling was the most feminine, and the first time I saw her, I was sure she had not been born a man, but was doing some kind of "Victor/Victoria" con on Warhol. Candy Darling was crossing gender lines back when a male dressing like a woman could lead to arrest in New York City on "female impersonation" charges. One of the film's interviewees says calling Darling a "he" disrespects her memory, and I would say I agree. Darling came from Massapequa Park, Long Island, and early pictures indicate she was a very feminine looking young boy. According to her diaries, she felt different all her life, and was wearing makeup and women's clothing as early as she could. She worshipped Kim Novak, and eventually took on the persona of a great Hollywood star, even while sleeping on friends' couches or begging her new boss for money- Warhol notoriously rarely paid anyone for their work. Eventually, Warhol tired of Darling and the others, and before she could make it big on her own, she died of lymphoma in 1974 at the age of 29. Between 1968 and her death, she only appeared in eight released films.

Darling was different from Curtis and Woodlawn, in that she was not using her transexuality to make a political statement. She was a mass of contradictions, but she seemed more womanly than all the other drag queens who were in the Factory. Director James Rasin takes all of these contradictions and brings them out for the viewer to see, not taking a stand or sugar-coating some of Darling's less savory characteristics. Darling's best friend, and now caretaker of her legacy, is Jeremiah Newton, a giant man who hung around at the Factory forty years ago. He is in possession of Candy's ashes, and decides to bury them along with his own mother's ashes in New York. While Newton is credited as producer on the film, Rasin even finds Newton contradicting himself, saying Candy never prostituted herself to get by, yet we hear Newton on audio from thirty-five years ago say Candy had to. Newton himself is an interesting figure. After Candy's death, he went and interviewed on audio tape everyone who knew Candy. He talked to Tennessee Williams, who wrote "Small Craft Warnings" for her, as well as others. He went to Candy's mother, who told him to take everything he could carry concerning her former son after Candy died. She then burned the rest, fearing anger from her homophobic new husband, who had no idea he was stepfather to this deceased "despicable" man/woman- this angered me to no end. Poor Jeremiah does have a lot. Candy's diaries, receipts, photographs, and the audio tapes, his archives would be a joy to spend an afternoon going through, but I also mourn the loss of material he couldn't get out because of one man's small mindedness and one mother's fear. It is Jeremiah's contention that Candy contracted lymphoma through hormone treatments. Candy wanted to look more womanly, but would not commit to a sex change because then she would not be "Candy Darling" anymore. She seems to have been lonely, with many men putting moves on her not knowing she was born a male. Rasin has done an incredible job condensing a massive amount of material. Thanks to the documentary about Jackie Curtis, "Superstar in a Housedress," some of this is repetition, but it is still done so well. Every aspect of this woman was fascinating, especially to a fan of the underground/avant-garde film scene. Plus, John Waters turns up again in yet another documentary, and he is simply a joy to watch and listen to. Warhol is gone now, as are many of the Factory's "Superstars". "Beautiful Darling" crystallizes a few years in a talent who left much too early, it would be interesting to see what Candy might have accomplished today. I would hope it would have been something fabulous, and not hosting some awful drag queen competition on a dying cable channel. That would have been so beneath her.

Beautiful Thing (1996)

A Thing of Beauty

[10/10 · 9 December 2023]

This small British film has everything: a compelling plot, a brisk pace, and an astounding cast that does absolutely nothing wrong with their performances. Jamie (Glen Berry) is a typical teen teased at school by his friends, who include apartment neighbor Ste (Scott Neal). Jamie lives at home with his mother Sandra (Linda Henry), who works as a barmaid and dreams of running her own pub someday. Ste lives with his single dad Ronnie (Garry Cooper) and abusive older brother Trevor (Daniel Bowers), who sometimes beats Ste bad enough that Ste must go stay with Jamie. Jamie and Ste's other neighbor is Leah (Tameka Empson), a troubled girl who is trying to grow up too fast and is obsessed with '60's singer Mama Cass. Sandra also has a fling going on the side, with younger Tony (Ben Daniels), a twentysomething who is smarter than he lets on. Jamie and Ste begin growing closer, and start an affair. The apartment building being what it is, word soon spreads and Sandra's relationship with Tony begins to deteriorate. Then, Sandra comes up for a better job in another part of the city, disrupting Ste and Jamie's already fragile situation.

This was based on a play, but Jonathan Harvey opens it up well enough that it never had a stagy feel to it. Hettie Macdonald's direction is nothing short of miraculous. Even the supporting characters get their moments, but no one overshadows anyone else. It is masterful. The film contains some of the best casting decisions ever. No one hits a false note- no one. Berry is appropriately different as Jamie, I would have picked on him in high school, too. Scott Neal is great as Ste, especially in his tentative scenes with Jamie. Linda Henry should have received an Oscar for her Sandra. She brings so much more to the role that quickly could have gone the way of scenery chewing. She is unbelievably good, and one to watch. Daniels as Tony is so earnest it hurts, and his story, however brief, is just as interesting. Empson has these big eyes and is lovely as the troubled Leah. Like Henry, she easily could have crossed over into hysterics, especially her inebriated scenes, but director Macdonald reins her in enough to turn in a fantastic performance. The British accents here are very heavy, and some of the lines are impossible to understand. Forget all that, though, and see "Beautiful Thing." Finally, a film whose title is truth in advertising.

The Beguiled (1971)

Dirty Harry Gets Laid Up

[10/10 · 9 December 2023]

Director Don Siegel, who would put Clint Eastwood in a little film called "Dirty Harry," uses the action star in a way no one has before. Together, they create a piece of Southern Gothicism that is a great Civil War film that could have been screwed up by anyone else. Eastwood is Corporal John McBirney, a Union soldier on the run in the deep south. He is wounded and discovered by twelve year old Amy (Pamelyn Ferdin). McB, as John wants to be known, kisses Amy on the lips to keep her quiet when soldiers pass, and she takes the incident the wrong way, falling in love with him instantly. McB is dragged back to Amy's home, the Farnsworth Seminary for Young Girls, run by Miss Martha (Geraldine Page) and Miss Edwina (Elizabeth Hartman). Right away, Siegel gives us a flash of memory of Martha's, whose relationship with her brother was incestuous. As Martha does her Confederate duty, she prepares to tell friendly troops of her new prisoner. She realizes he would die in prison, and decides to nurse him back to health first before turning him in. All the females in the home are curious about this young man from New York. Hallie (Mae Mercer), the slave, realizes McB is fighting for her freedom, but does not feel obligated to return the favor. Edwina is a spinster, long scarred by the acts of her adulterous father, but finds herself attracted to McB. Doris (Darleen Carr) wants McB too, wants him handed over to the Rebels as soon as possible. Hot to trot Carol (Jo Ann Harris) wants McB for her very own pleasure. Amy still has feelings for him, albeit a twelve year old's crush. Don't get me wrong, McB is no angel. Siegel gives us the verbal thoughts of the girls throughout the film, but he shows us scenes of McB lying through his teeth to impress the girls. He claims to be a Quaker, and fibs about how he receives his wounds. He also lies about how beautiful the surrounding farmland is, but thinking about the time he helped torch it. He is out for one thing- himself. His only interest is in his own pleasures, and he will do anything and say anything to get what he wants.

Despite the subject matter, Siegel does not go the exploitation route of "Mandingo." He also fights the urge to turn this into a screwball or dark comedy, something that another director may have done. Siegel gathers some impressive acting talent and lets their individual stories form a cohesive whole. The verbal flashes from each of the girls is a brilliant move without becoming too obvious, or a crutch on which to rest the emotional parts of the film. Hallie, McB, and Martha's visual thoughts are used sparingly, thank goodness. Geraldine Page is great as Martha, the actress takes a number of risks that few actresses today would be game for. A dream sequence finds Martha in bed with McB and Edwina, and it was pulled off dramatically without turning into something smarmy and salacious. The fragile Elizabeth Hartman is wonderful as Edwina. Her character shows such raw pain, she is sometimes hard to watch. Eastwood dedicated "Unforgiven" to both Sergio Leone and Don Siegel. Siegel is able to get Eastwood to come off as completely contemptible. The school's girls do not seem stupid or oblivious to McB's evil, they are naive and hang on this mysterious and dashing stranger's every word and move. This film shows another side of the Civil War. The battle scenes are only in flashback. The stark plantation where the film was made seems frozen in time back to the era, when the antebellum South was coming to an end. Siegel's vision seems more realistic than the pretty but still thrilling "Gone With the Wind." "The Beguiled" deserved more praise than it found. The film is so different from what Eastwood and Siegel have done before, but the two turned this one chance into something remarkable.

Beneath Loch Ness (2001)

Murky

[3/10 · 9 December 2023]

A famed scientist is lost in a dive in Loch Ness when an earthquake opens up a huge crack in the bottom of the infamous lake. His protege, Case (Brian Wimmer), is called to Loch Ness to complete the mentor's research and deliver a television special to the Expedition Channel and his ex-wife/TV producer Elizabeth (Lysette Anthony). A few pranksters at the lake decide to put a fake monster in the water and videotape it for their website. A real monster happens along and kills one of the crew. (*Copy and paste the plot of "Jaws" here, or keep reading the review*) The local constable refuses to close the lake since it is tourist season. Case and his crew try to sit on the monster story until they have more evidence. Cue Blay (Patrick Bergin, playing Robert Shaw's role). He lost a child to the monster years ago, and now hangs around drinking and planning to get the monster himself. Fishermen and Druids get attacked by the special effect, and the constable still won't close the beaches, er, lake. A smaller creature washes ashore, and everyone but our heroic scientists assume this is the monster. In all actuality, the earthquake let an even larger predator into the lake, and Blay and Case find themselves underwater, armed with explosives, and running out of oxygen in the film's bored finale.

DVD is a wonderful technology. You can see crystal clear pictures. You can also spot a pixelated computer generated special effect a mile away. The monster itself is not all that bad, looking like a dragon. However, Comisky insists on computer generating shots that should have been done on location for that extra buck or two. There are terrible shots of a night time fireworks display, and even Elizabeth matted into a train station sequence. These are really weak and induced laughter. The cast is nothing special. Case is unshaven and heroic, and Wimmer sounds exactly like Kevin Costner. Elizabeth quickly becomes a pain, and the constable mostly stands around and refuses the requests of these idiot scientists- watching him reminded me of trying to get my two year old to eat peas. Case's crack crew of divers are nobodies, and the film is not violent or gory or scary. Patrick Bergin, who deserves a better career than this, does his best with a clicheed role. Unfortunately, the film makers try to make him "funny" and give him "Braveheart"-type war paint in his final scenes, negating any seriousness he may have brought in to this slight film. Despite a couple of good special effects, "Beneath Loch Ness" is beneath most viewers.

Bent (1997)

Bent Out of Shape

[6/10 · 9 December 2023]

Martin Sherman's play about German homosexuals during World War II makes a shaky transition to the screen. Max (Clive Owen) lives with dancer Rudy (Brian Webber), and has a debaucherous old time at a "club" run by drag queen Greta (Mick Jagger). He lives a selfish life, broke, and does not treat Rudy that well. He brings home a military man as a lover, and the Nazis raid, killing the soldier and driving Rudy and Max into the woods. The couple is captured while trying to make plans to escape to Amsterdam. They are thrown on a boxcar headed for Dachau, and there Max makes a fateful decision to stay alive at all costs, using advice received from Horst (Lothaire Bluteau), who is wearing a pink triangle, signifying a homosexual. Max has conned his way into a yellow triangle, signifying himself as Jewish. At the concentration camp, Max is always looking to make a deal, and gets Horst moved to Max's work detail. The two begin arguing as Horst realizes Max's work detail is an exercise in futility used to drive an inmate mad. The two cannot touch each other, get three minute breaks every two hours (when they must stand at attention for all three minutes), and work twelve hours straight moving rocks from one pile to another, and then back again. Horst is angry that Max denies being a homosexual, even though the pink triangles are the lowest form of life in the concentration camp inmate hierarchy. The two men slowly become friends, then lovers, but not in the conventional sense. Because they live apart, and cannot touch, they make love while standing next to each other, using their voices and imaginations.

Martin Sherman wrote a difficult screenplay to watch, crowding his most shocking scenes in the opening third of the film. By the time we are taken to Dachau, and the monotonous rock moving begins, the viewer's monotony sets in. Was this the intent of the film makers? After so much sex and violence, the camp scenes seem almost mild by comparison. Sean Mathias' direction works all the way through. He was hampered with a small budget -filmed on location in England and it certainly looks like it, but his camerawork captures enough of the pain after the brief highs of Max's existence in the beginning of the film. Clive Owen and Lothaire Bluteau are excellent, as Max tries to reject Horst's eventual professings of love, and sadly forgetting the name of Rudy. Mick Jagger and Ian McKellen have good cameos, and Jude Law can be spotted in a two line early role. Philip Glass' musical score sounds exactly like his others, and I think it was used almost note for note and to better effect in "The Hours." The locations do not convince. My main problem was with Sherman's screenplay. While the actors carry most of the middle and end of the film on their own, I hate to admit I was often bored. "Bent" was also rated NC17, an overreaction to an orgy scene at Greta's. I have seen worse on cable television, and this is just one more ratings mistake the MPAA made. "Bent" is a good film, but it cannot keep up the pain and terror of the first third, with a screenplay that lets the two main actors down. Emotional ending, but all in all a disappointment.

Beverly Hills Cop III (1994)

The Third Time's the Harm

[2/10 · 8 December 2023]

Eddie Murphy comes back to the role that made him famous one time too many, giving us a mess of an action film. Axel Foley (Eddie Murphy) is back in Detroit, and about to bust an illegal chop shop. Little does he know the place has just been shot up by a bunch of machine gun toting baddies headed by DeWald (Timothy Carhart). In the ensuing melee, Foley's beloved captain is killed, and Foley traces DeWald and the clues to the Disneyland-type Wonder World in California. Billy (Judge Reinhold) is still in Beverly Hills, and Jon (the funny Hector Elizondo) kind of replaces Billy's now retired partner Taggart from the first two films. We then follow a pretty standard case as Foley uncovers a counterfeiting operation run by DeWald and Sanderson (John Saxon). Luckily, the love interest Janice (Theresa Randle) also works security at the park. We even find time to toss in Bronson Pinchot's return as Serge, who pops up very unlikely trying to sell a giant weapon. Foley keeps stepping on the toes of federal agent Fulbright (Stephen McHattie), who is trying to nail Sanderson and DeWald on his own. This leads to umpteen shootings and chases, and absolutely no laughs.

Murphy should have quit while he was ahead. "Beverly Hills Cop III" is even worse than Part II, which was pretty lousy to begin with. Director Landis never finds any kind of pacing, as the acting company moves from one shootout to the next. Hey, John, stop putting famous directors in cameos in your films, there is a reason some of them belong behind the camera. They are directors, not actors. Since Axel Foley is not really a character, Murphy could be acting in "48 HRS III," but without Nick Nolte. He grins and makes one liners through everything, but the big counterfeiting case is so boring you will not care if Foley gets the bad guys in the end- and is there any doubt about that happening? Harold Faltermeyer's relic theme from the 1980's is played again and again as Murphy and Reinhold try to find the old magic that is not there. The script contains way too many chances for Murphy to improv something funny, but Murphy drops the ball. Elizondo is the only one who makes any jokes funny. The villains are unmemorable, I had to take notes to tell them apart. While the film makers could have stuck it to big corporate amusement parks like Disney World, they took the safe way out. "Beverly Hills Cop III" was released to no box office in 1994.

The Bible in the Beginning... (1966)

The Book is Better Than the Movie

[4/10 · 8 December 2023]

Having avoided this film for years, I finally took a deep breath and rented it. John Huston's version of the Bible is full of pretty pictures, Hollywood stars, and no heart. At almost three hours, the film is divided into four major sections or stories. The first concerns the Creation, as Adam (Michael Parks) and Eve (Ulla Bergryd) are introduced into the Garden of Eden, eat from the Tree of Knowledge, and are banished. Later, their first two sons are involved in the very first murder. The Creation opening does have a lot of scenery, as the narrator takes us, slowly, through all the days God took to create the world. Adam and Eve are all wide-eyed wonderment, and strategically naked. The Garden of Eden, however, looks like your backyard after a hot day. There is fake greenery here and there, but I kept waiting for Adam to invent the lawn sprinkler. The entire eating of the apple is glossed over as if Huston was in a hurry to get on with the film, or at least his turn as Noah. After Cain (Richard Harris) kills Abel (Franco Nero), Noah happens along and begins building the ark. But wait, this is not your Noah of the Bible or epics past, this Noah is "funny." Huston mugs for the camera as if he were in a Pink Panther film. As Noah and his three sons build, there is an awkward scene where Noah falls, gets his foot stuck in a bucket of pitch, and slides down half the deck of the ark, hitting his sleeping son in the head with the bucket. The light musical score tells us that Noah is just a clumsy regular guy, but if God told me to build an ark because of the watery end of mankind, I would be a little more careful. No, Noah's three sons are not played by Moe, Larry, and Curly. Other "funny" scenes involve Noah's wife trying to feed some of the exotic animals in the ark and not doing very well. Why didn't the cast just wink at the camera and grin? Poor special effects also kill this section, as Huston tries to fool us with bad footage of animals getting on the ark.

The shortest scene in the film revolves around King Nimrod (Stephen Boyd) and the building of the Tower of Babel. This section is all too brief as Nimrod climbs the Tower, shoots an arrow into heaven, God becomes angry, knocks a few things down, and no one can understand their coworker's language any longer. Without any connection to the three longer stories, you will wonder what Huston was thinking, maybe he had a bigger budget than he thought. The final, and longest, section involves George C. Scott as Abraham, and Ava Gardner, doing her best impression of Elizabeth Taylor in "Cleopatra," as Sarah. Abraham fathers a son with a slave after Sarah becomes barren. Angel(s) (Peter O'Toole) tells Abraham of Sarah's impending pregnancy, and then moves on to Sodom, ready to take the city down. This scene provides many creepy moments, as O'Toole is led by Lot (Gabriele Ferzetti) through the city of sin, which we see samples of in the dark. Lot and his family escape, Lot's wife (Eleonora Rossi Drago) becomes the world's largest salt lick, and Abraham is told to sacrifice his beloved son, Isaac. As Abraham and Isaac wander in the desert to the sacrificial altar, they pass through Sodom's ruins. Here, Scott is given a bunch of scenes they probably expected to repeat when his Oscar nomination came through. Scott, always a fine actor, is awful, all groans and blank stares, as if he cannot get a handle on this character and director Huston will not help out. The film ends with Isaac's reprieve, and more pretty scenery.

I took three days to watch this movie, and I congratulate anyone who sat through it in one sitting. The cinematography is lush and gorgeous. Every scene is like a painting, pardon the cliche. The biggest problem here is the complete lack of spirit in the film. Everyone goes through the motions, and yet there is no magic or excitement in the characters' eyes. The actors say all their "thou"s and "wherefore"s with appropriate nobility, but I never believed that they were awed by the Spirit of God. I have seen more emotionally appropriate reactions to mistaken lunch orders at Burger King than Scott's over the top portrayal of Abraham. He groans, hisses, and acts his wig off, but that was all there was- an act. A young Peter O'Toole, with an angelic face, plays the three angels wonderfully. He was the only actor here who seemed to understand the importance of the work without resorting to theater tricks to make the audience happy. The script, by "Barabbas" screenwriter Christopher Fry, is all over the place. It is too bad he could not concentrate on one area or event. He spent too much energy cramming everything in, and overwhelming the film. I have seen better Sunday school pageants cover the same material more effectively.

The Bigamist (1953)

Bigamy? Why Thank You, That's Big of You!

[4/10 · 8 December 2023]

Did you hear the one about the traveling salesman? "The Bigamist" is an overwrought melodrama suffering from a seventy-nine minute identity crisis. The charisma challenged Harry (Edmond O'Brien) is a San Francisco-based traveling salesman married to Eve (Joan Fontaine). Eve and Harry are looking to adopt a child, and are assigned to caseworker Mr. Jordan (Edmund Gwenn). Jordan notices Harry's terminally constipated expression every time the term "thorough investigation" is used, and goes to Los Angeles to find some of Harry's clients. He also finds Harry, living in a modest home with his other wife Phyllis (the film's director, Ida Lupino) and their infant son. With halting narration, Harry tells Jordan, and us, how he became involved with Phyllis, and his inability to break things off with Eve, whose heart attack stricken father has horrible timing. He seems to take ill or die every time Harry wants to "talk." Jordan doesn't know what to do with Harry, as both wives learn of each other's existence.

A woman directing a motion picture in the 1950's was unheard of, but instead of admiring Lupino's ground-breaking spirit, I was disappointed with her choice of material. "The Bigamist" is a film noir-soap opera-black comedy that does not work as any of those genres. With all the cigarettes, booze, shadows, neon, coffee, and terms like "big lug" tossed around, I half-heartedly waited for Harry to spill his secret to Jordan, slip him a mickey, plug him full of slugs, then dump his bones in Encino and carry on with both the dames, see? The noir elements are heavy here, except for the plot and actresses. Joan Fontaine is Eve- EVE, get it? The first wife who we should be rooting for. Unfortunately, Eve is a moron of the highest order, not noticing Harry's almost convulsive behavior whenever she comes close to the truth. It doesn't help that Fontaine's constant facial expression is the same as someone who has just stepped in dog mess at the park. Lupino's Phyllis is such a bitter pill in her opening scenes, it is hard to see what Harry sees in her. Despite being in almost every scene, O'Brien is only fourth billed. If the screenwriter was going for the soap opera, they should have centered the story around one or both sympathetic women, not the sweaty schlub in the middle. I tried to accept the film as comedy. The hand wringing, the heavy narration, the discussion about chop suey not being a Chinese dish. There is plenty to giggle at, but was it done all in jest? No, the film is so deathly serious it might eventually trigger chronic depression in the viewer. Even the film's "light" moments are overdone. Jane Darwell's cleaning woman cameo is just plain weird. Inside jokes about Gwenn's triumph in "Miracle on 34th Street" isn't dragged out once, but twice. He played Santa Claus, we get it, can we just move on? Lupino the director does a plain job with the terrible script. She does nothing spectacular, in front of or behind the camera. The screeching musical score underlines every ham-fisted emotion threefold. I wanted to appreciate "The Bigamist," but I wasn't sure what to appreciate about it. It's not the worst film ever made, but it does make for a slow seventy-nine minutes, camp value notwithstanding. Find "Micki & Maude" instead. At least that film wanted to be a comedy.

Bikini Bandits (2002 Video)

Experience Not Required

[1/10 · 8 December 2023]

Director Steven Grasse shoots this headache-inducing ode to 1970's B-movie drive-in trash. He should have watched some 1970's B-movie drive-in trash first. Based on the internet series- reason enough to take pause- there is not a linear plotline, but the film kind of goes like this: four bikini clad criminals are sent to hell. There, the devil sends them back to defile the Virgin Mary. Next, they hide out in Amish country, and then time travel back to 1776. They finally hide out on a porn shoot, looking for an Amish mentally deficient boy, and are saved by Corey Feldman and a bunch of ninjas.

This is a merciful fifty-four minutes long. It should have been an insane take on the old grindhouse fare of the 1970's, but the film makers commit a horrible mistake. A cult film develops a cult following through word of mouth and an intrinsic quality found in the film itself. If you are setting out to specifically make a cult film, then you will try too hard and fail. That is exactly what happens here. The film makers try everything: there are fake home shopping ads for G-Mart tossed in with bad edits, musical interludes, a hairy yoga guy, and lots of annoying animation and graphics. We are treated to real phone conversations between the producers and some obnoxious guy named Zembo who keeps getting beat up on camera when he bothers some people. Finally, Corey Feldman proves he was one of the most irritating film personalities of the early 2000's. The only nudity on display here are guys' butts. The fearsome foursome go through this without taking off anything but their pride. "The Bikini Bandit Experience" is not trashy on a fun level. It is just trash. I had the same reaction to this as I did to "The Underground Comedy Movie," another "eagerly awaited" flick based on some fanboys' alone time activities- big deal. Avoid this at once.

Combats de femme: Un amour de femme (2001) Season Unknown, Episode Unknown

Morose de Femme

[4/10 · 8 December 2023]

Sylvie Verheyde directs this French film that deals with a lesbian relationship with predictable characters and results. Jeanne (Helene Fillieres) is a bored masseuse married to David (Anthony Delon). At a birthday party for David's best friend Franck (Jeannick Gravelines), Jeanne is instantly attracted to Franck's flighty cousin Marie (Raffaela Anderson). Marie is a dancer, and Jeanne decides to take up the physical activity in Marie's class after ten years off to marry and raise a child. Marie and Jeanne begin a careful friendship, aware of their mutual attraction and eventual ramifications. The couple finally do find themselves together, and David and Franck both react the way you know they will.

The cast of "Amour de Femme" is very good, despite the material. Fillieres is a tall classic beauty, and she often tries to overcome the terminal gloominess her character is suffering from. Anderson is also good, although the script's idea of "free spiritedness" is my idea of "kinda weird." Delon's David is all angst and fury, and Gravelines is not in enough scenes as Franck to register much. The "uninhibited free spirit pulls a straight arrow-type out of their cocoon, and shows them life as they have never seen it" plot has been done to death, and the addition of the lesbian romance is not unique enough to set the film apart from others of its ilk. Verheyde directs the film well enough, but by the time David commits an act to get back at Jeanne, I felt as much despair as the characters. This is a morose film, with little happiness, especially lacking the happiness of a new love. While the viewer might cheer for Marie and Jeanne, the two characters are so down about their situation, you might think Jeanne is better off with David, who comes off as a pretty good guy. David does not force his wife into the arms of another woman despite the old streaming service plot summary, but his overreaction to their relationship should have been a sharp, insulting, black-comedic dig at Jeanne, not more angst. "Amour de Femme" is an innocuous romance which might have benefited from a little levity.

Bill Cosby: Himself (1983)

Be Yourself

[10/10 · 8 December 2023]

Bill Cosby wrote and directed a concert film that provided enough material to launch his most successful sitcom. The stage features Cosby, a chair, a microphone, and nothing else. He is caught on film in a Canadian concert, and sometimes acknowledges the audience. While Cosby is alone on the stage, but he populates his routine with more characters than a David Lean film, all of them memorable. He opens with perhaps the funniest anti-drug and anti-alcohol rant ever done, more effective than the ads on airwaves today. He visits his dentist. He and his wife decide to have children, producing four daughters and a son. He covers childbirth, raising these "brain damaged" children, and his parents' reactions. He closes with a riff on living with his own parents, perhaps the funniest twenty minutes ever filmed at a live concert. Unless you are a toothless test tube orphan virgin, you will find something to associate with during the film, and this is why "Bill Cosby: Himself" is my all-time favorite comedy concert film. Cosby does not tell us how difficult it is to be rich, how tough kicking addictive narcotics is, or how to make up stupid nursery rhymes using profanity. He simply spins his tales, and the audience and viewer is able to find the humor in the universal themes.

When I watched this decades ago, I had two sons, ages three and seven, and I sympathized with everything that goes into being a father. I have one sister and two brothers, and sympathized with everything that went into being a bratty sibling. I have been to the dentist, I have been out having fun on the weekend "because I deserved it," and dragging back into work, happy to be alive. Bill Cosby knows his audience is full of average people, and vividly illustrates his routine using "characters" we all know. A reviewer once said "The Cos proves himself a master storyteller and a hilarious comic." He is much more than that. In the intervening forty years since this film was released, his only son was brutally murdered and he committed horrific assaults that permanently damaged his reputation, turning him from beloved to one of the most reviled people in the country. I had watched this film many times before the proven allegations serviced, but I'll never watch it again. I hate that I have to put a disclaimer on a film I loved so much, but here it is.

Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss (1998)

Billy, Don't Be a Romantic!

[8/10 · 7 December 2023]

Sean Hayes plays Billy, a struggling photographer who falls for one of his models, who may or may not be homosexual. Billy hangs out with best friend George (a hilarious Meredith Scott Lynn) in Los Angeles, where he moved after escaping from conservative Indiana. He is seeing shallow but hunky Fernando (Armando Valdes-Kennedy), who is already in a committed relationship. Their encounters are purely physical, and Billy longs for something more. Good friend Perry (Richard Ganoung) agrees to mentor Billy, providing him with equipment and money for his dream project- to photograph reenacted scenes from great Hollywood romance classics. Billy also meets Gabriel (Brad Rowe), a gorgeous waiter who gives Billy mixed signals about his sexuality. Gabriel has a girlfriend, plays in a heavy metal band, but feels comfortable with Billy and his gay friends, as if he hasn't come out yet. Gabriel is also introduced to successful photographer Rex (Paul Bartel), who suddenly decides to use Gabriel in an upcoming underwear ad, pulling the rug out from under Billy's plans. Soon, Billy is pursuing Gabriel, confiding to Perry, and making a fool of himself over this perfect man.

Sean Hayes does not just replay his "Will & Grace" character, Jack. Billy can be morose, emotional, and his stories about his life, illustrated with Polaroid pictures, are excellent. Rowe is also convincing as Gabriel, even the audience is kept in the dark about how he feels about Billy. The supporting cast is very good, as well. My one complaint is O'Haver's sometimes stilted direction. Once in a while, characters will stand in line, facing the camera and talking to each other, as if they were on a small off-off-Braodway stage. O'Haver does use the camera well with the fun fantasy sequences, but many of his basic dialogue scenes are awkward and underlit. "Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss" is not a laugh-out-loud raucous comedy, but a smiling romance that does not make apologies about the sexual orientation of its characters- nor should it.