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Reviews
Wide Sargasso Sea (1993)
I Call it a Tragic Comedy
Well, ok, it's the sequel to "Jane Eyre" by Charlotte Bronte. We watched it in school, my English teacher had no idea why it would be rated R so we just watched it. It was funny because there was so much nudity and sex and stuff. It was great. It got to the point where she had to run up and cover the screen grade school style and I got a kick out of it. Sex is funny. Basically, this movie feels very "Nineties" if that means anything. The style, the feel, all of the needless sex scenes and nudity. I have nothing against nudity if it's done right, this is just there for lonely boys...well, anyway. We watched the movie and it's slow and I really hated "Jane Eyre" so I didn't like this one much either. If you're a fan of nudity (all kinds featured here) check it out.
Le divorce (2003)
Wait a minute? The trailer called it a comedy!?
Ok, so I'm expecting a romantic comedy and I get neither. I get a depressing drama. What a scam. The movie was just plain, well, pointless. Sloppy sloppy sloppy film making. Maybe I should read the book, or was the book this bad as well?
And why are Naomi Watts and Kate Hudson smiling on the poster? That bewilders me beyond all, considering the subject matter of "Le Divorce." I was fairly shocked, of course *Spoilers* when Naomi Watts' character Roxy cuts her wrists, I was wondering what that had to do with anything, and as it turns out, it didn't because they dropped it. Also, we KNOW that Matthew Modine's character is going to kill them both.*Spoiler End*
Overall, as I've said, this movie was horribly uninteresting, long, boring, sloppy, and even I can tell when things need to be cut out. Like that stupid bag floating around Paris, what the hell? Even Naomi Watts, my favorite actress, did a shotty job. Just thinking back to it makes me want to cringe, and if it wasn't for the pleasant company, I would have walked out. "Why the hell is he walking with a cane...oh wait, that's an umbrella." Also, the only thing that WAS funny was Matthew Modine's character being an umbrella thief, that was hysterical, and the 6 cops trying to break down the door jammed with an umbrella, HYSTERICAL!!!
Spy Kids 3: Game Over (2003)
Well, What Kind of Script Can You Really Expect?
OK, thank God/Allah/Vishnu/Shiva and all the rest that I didn't fork over any cash whatsoever. I like being able to see every awful flick that comes through for free so that I can analyze and understand film, or something that I have conned myself into believing. I knew that the script and plot would be awful, but really what else can you expect from a 3-D movie. They're too busy making sure that someone's hand is sticking out, brushing the audience...or that some old man is playing with a butterfly on the moon. The funniest part were the scientists trying to explain the plot holes created by a hastily thrown together script to make a quick buck. Actually, I got some good thoughts going after I took off the glasses for a little rest about ten minutes after I had them on. I realize that some movies, or films, are made for the sake of art. Some are made for awards. Some are made for money. This is one of those movies made strictly for money. The studio knows that if they advertise and create a 3-D movie, kids will whine and beg and kick and scream until their parents drag them to it and not only do you get the money from the children's admission, but you get a slightly higher paying adult that gets forced through this. This one hurt to watch, seriously, my eyes were in pain. They still hurt a little. And my head is still spinning on the fact that this was number one at the box office and that people are suckers. "Seabiscuit" opened this weekend, why didn't the parents take their kids to that! A great family film that one was, in Yoda speak. Alright, so basically, the studio threw together a crappy flick and greased the 3-D hole until it could be greased no more. Someone in California is swimming in a pool full of golden dollars...
Big Trouble (2002)
Mildly Entertaining
I thought that this movie was pretty funny. Diverse characters played by a great cast seems to be what I left with. The plot, however, was lacking. It all turns out to be another "Tim Allen tries to impress his child and everyone learns something valuable and feels better about themselves" movie. I thought the two idiot criminals played by Tom Sizemore and Johnny Knoxville were great, except Knoxville's acting ability, but I didn't let that bother me too much. The scenes where they steal the suitcase and go back to Stanley Tucci's character's house are great in the way that the two communicate and call eachother by name in front of the cops. And the cops, very well played by two actors that I really like in Jeanene Garafalo and Patrick Warburton. Sure, I can't spell their names correctly but they did a great job. Also on the cop note Andy Richter was funny as well. "Is this your gun?" "Yes...I mean, no" good stuff. Too many characters to go into but all of them have their qualities. Surprisingly Heavy D did a fantastic job for a former hip-hop star. That was redeeming. Also redeeming, Jason Lee, gotta have love for Lee. Ever since Brodieman in Mallrats, this guy never disappoints me. Good to see the kid from "Flash Forward" again, he was good and so was Zooey Deschanel...and Dennis Farina, but he is always good so it goes without saying. It was nice that Tim Allen, aside from being placed in front of everyone on the poster, was hardly in the movie. Ensemble flicks always tend to put a smile on my face, yet always wind up losing it in trying to find a way to intertwine all of the characters. I think this is one of those, for we sacrifice a plot for the characters, but I like the characters and I guess this movie is fairly entertaining in the end.
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (2003)
Reinventing the T&A Action/Comedy
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle is pretty much exactly what I expected. It had it's ups and downs, highs and lows, and really really cheeseball moments that just make you groan. Actually, the picture wasn't that bad and I enjoyed it with the exception of the predictible plot and the cop out ending.
The trailer for this flick is nice looking, you know, the one with "My Sharona" playing in the background, yet totally ruins it, like most trailers these days. It gives too much away. If I was making this film, which I wasn't and of course, my opinion doesn't matter one bit, but I would have kept the whole Demi Moore involvement a little bit of a secret. For instance, you see shots of a long haired woman with golden guns being all nasty and evil. But I saw this in the trailer, and I already know that it's Demi Moore, bad. Surprise for me (Spoiler) it was funny to see her whack Bruce Willis, I got a kick out of that one.
Acting-wise, I wasn't expecting much. Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore are two that I have never really been to see as, say, good actresses. Of course, my opinion again. Lucy Liu I liked though, I thought she far surpassed Cameron, Drew, and Demi. Going into this flick, I did remember that Justin Theroux played "some Irish dude" and I was pretty excited because the last thing I saw him in was "Mulholland Dr." and I thought he was spectacular in that, and that is one of my favorite movies so yeah, he was awesome in this as I had expected. It was actually kind of comical though. He talks with the mad Irish accent, his name is Seamus, he has a whacked out faux-hawk, walks through fire, and (spoiler) lands on Crispin Glover's stabbed up carcass in the end, THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT! Onto Bernie Mac. I was really hoping that they would play it off like Bernie was the same Bosley as Bill Murray, but ofcourse, they didn't. I was really hoping for that, let down, but Bernie did great anyway. So was John Cleese. Gotta love John Cleese.
Digressing to the director McG or whatever his name is. The downfall to having a music video director work on a major motion picture is that he will get all of his popstar buddies to do cameos in his movie. Actually, I only saw Pink and her motocross buddies, and that's all I can remember right now. Also, endorsements. The biggest sign I saw was an ad for Cingulair, who have kindly paid mad bucks to bring you this...movie. Direction was sound, but I don't know if anyone could have turned the awful script into anything better. The jokes were tired and lame (i.e. John Cleese as Lucy Lui's character's(either Alex or Alice I heard both) father believing that she is a prostitute) and a lot of the action sequences were literally, unbelieveable, as in, could never happen in real life, and they won't because this is the movies and what happens here does not have to make sense. It's an action/comedy with lots of T&A so it is sure to be a blockbuster. Kudos to all of the suckers in suits making some big bank off of this one.
Punch-Drunk Love (2002)
Pudding, Perverts, Plungers, Love
This has to be the most romantic love story that I have seen since "Harold and Maude." I guess because this actually seems to be real. I was sold on the scene where Barry (Adam Sandler) leaves Lena (Emily Watson) at her apartment after their first date. The scene of him running down the hallway back to her apartment where she opens the door and they kiss, that's the most romantic thing I've seen. And when they are talking in bed about about smashing and eating eachothers faces because they are so cute, that's the most romantic thing that I've ever seen. And when the brothers crash their truck into Barry's car while he and Lena are on the way to his house and he gets out and pummels the brothers with a tire iron, that's romantic. I am a full-blooded pacifist but I would have done the exact same thing.
This is the best recent film that I have seen lately. I had to wait nearly nine months for it to come out on DVD for I missed it in theaters due to my age, three months short. I work in a movie theater so I did manage to see a little bit and desperately wanted to see it in it's entirety. So finally, it comes out on DVD and I'm at the store at noon. I was excited and this film did not let me down, as I was a tad bit of a skeptic considering Paul Thomas Andersons last film, "Magnolia" letting me down, a lot. Punch Drunk Love is redemption. Redemption of faith, or whatever. The story was great, the acting was spectacular as was the screenplay, score, and direction. The character of Barry Egan is the character that you are screaming at from the other side of the screen whenever he says "Yeah..no, I don't think so." Adam Sandler delivers the character brilliantly. Other performances by Emily Watson and Philip Seymore Hoffman are also outstanding.
I loved this film. Also, on the DVD, there's a commercial for D&D Mattress Company or whatever it is called. It is hilarious, HILARIOUS. Rent it, see it, watch it.
Hulk (2003)
I was Taken Aside.
I seemed to be a tad distracted throughout this picture. I don't know if it was the slipshod writing or what but I couldn't keep still in my seat. Overall, I thought the movie was good. The character development and the psychological emotional damage clause was pretty good and I liked it. I was a little uneasy on the acting as well. I never have been a Nick Nolte fan and did not like him in this role in this picture although, the scene at the end where he and Bruce are talking and he starts yelling, or whatever, that was exceptional. Another distraction was Jennifer Connelly who is just sensationally gorgeous and I have never really noticed until this movie. I mean, the last thing that I saw her in was "Labyrinth" and have yet to see "A Beautiful Mind" and I was kind of taken aside. So yeah, she distracted me, in a good way that is. Ang Lee did well and the cinematography was decent, especially in a few earlier shots and some that reminded me of the hallway meeting scene in "The Rules of Attraction" which is the only film at the time that I can think of in which you see both characters facial expressions as the other is talking and vice versa. If that made any sense. The pace could have been jumpstarted a tad, no, a lot. Almost two and a half hours long and precisely 2.5 hours long with previews, a long movie to sit through. My advice, if you can see it for free, go see it, cheap entertainment. Is it worth 8 bucks, I don't think so, but those of you that paid might :) Suckers.
A Clockwork Orange (1971)
Well Well Welly Well Well What's it Going to Be Then Eh?
What a day it has been my droogies, for I have completed the novel (in just under a week at that) and viewed Stanely Kubrick's take on it in the same waking day. I, sadly saw the film before reading the book but to my advantage, the first and only time that I had seen the film was nearly a year and a half ago. However, while reading the book I know what is going to come next and I cannot use my imagination to create my own image of the characters and their surroundings. Fortunatly, Stanley Kubrick did a wonderful job with the characters and I believe, the story as well. I do not believe that anyone else aside from Malcom McDowell could have filled the big and blood coated shoes of Alex as well as he. His performance in the film is marvelous and unforgetteble. I had planned to read the book and had it in my possession when a friend of mine encouraged me to read it, yet mentioned that the film did the book no justice. I disagree, for I think the film follows the book very well with the exception of a few bits and pieces and age differences (though we can't very well have a group of men raping a ten year old girl on screen can we?) which, actually, takes away from the power of the book. The fact being, in the book Alex is 15 years old and the film shows him as much older, not much, 3 or 4 years perhaps but still, a great difference. One difference that fell ill with me (Spoilers) was the discovery by Alexander that Alex was the one whom had been in on the brutal rape of his wife all those years ago. The discovery in the book is slow and picked up through Alex's use of language to Alexander. This was one of my favorite parts of the book and was saddened at not finding it done in the film. The language used in the book is so wonderfully used and executed and leaves such an impact, i figure that it could be rather hard to put onscreen and to be completely understood by the audience in just two hours. The book allows you to learn the language as you go along and now, I find myself speaking in minor nadsat in daily conversation. For instance, someone asks how I am doing and I give them a "Real horrorshow" and kind of chuckle a malankey bit. My suggestion: Read the book first and watch the movie. I believe that Stanley Kubrick has done a very good job at adapting this book and producing this film on its behalf. Wonderfully directed, acted, scored, and shot, I really like this story a lot, but that's another story with politics and such that I do not feel like getting into at the moment.
The Goonies (1985)
Adventure, Comedy, Drama, and Sloth
Hands down, a classic film. I mean, this movie has it all. Adventure, excitement, comedy, drama, love, hate, pirate ships, and of course, the loveable yet societally unacceptable, Sloth. This movie is all about friendship, i guess that would be the key word to this film. I mean, outcasts like Sloth and Chunk become best buds and the friendships of the rest of the Goonie squad are forever strenghtened by their adventure to save their neighborhood. Plus, anything about pirates or pirate treasure is hella cool. Really, all you need for the makings of a great movie is here and delivers.
Duck Soup (1933)
Makes Comedies Today Look Laughable.
Bravo to the movie with the best one liners and bits that I have ever seen. Aside from the lack of acting and editing (Hell, who cares it's expected from the thirties) this movie is spectacular. A fine political satire, if not the finest ever done. An anarchaic soup of war, politics, and burning hats. Groucho Marx delivers, as afore mentioned, one great one liner after the other, oh, it's great. Go rent this movie, NOW, sorry to command you, but you really should. I got it at the library for free, hey, I know free is a little pricey, but it's worth it, worth every penny.
The Italian Job (2003)
Who Doesn't Like A Good Heist Flick?
I do. This is not a good heist flick. This is not a bad heist flick. A mediocre movie with mediocre acting. Actually, the two leads (Mark Wahlberg and Charlize Theron) were the only two actors that I had problems warming up to. Performances by Jason Statham, Seth Green, and Mos Def were all very well done, although it seems that the last three films that I have seen with Jason Statham he has played a wheelman of sorts, typecasting? I don't know. Some of the jokes were lame (i.e. The pseudo-subplot of Seth Green's character) and the moustache on Edward Norton's face kept distracting me but that didn't keep me from having a good time. Hey, free movie, even bad movies are good when they're free. Poor Edward Norton, he could have been off making a better movie yet was bound to this. Again, this isn't a bad movie, simply mediocre. Seriously, what was with that moustache! It was like, lopsided and looked utterly ackward on Norton. This piles amongst other annoyances like acting ability and speakers blowing women's clothes off. The plot was predictible, but what can you expect? Charlize Theron was hot, but what can you expect? It had some decent action too. End.
The 51st State (2001)
Hey, the end was worth it
<p>Note, this contains mild spoilers.</p> <p>So my friend and I watched this flick a while ago when it came out on video. Nothing much film wise but we managed to find much humour through simple things like Sam "The Man" Jackson in a kilt and Meatloaf exploding to be quite hilarious. Not gonna win any awards but mildly entertaining. Sam Jackson is awesome in anything he does though. Rent it just to see Meatloaf explode.
Bulletproof Monk (2003)
American Cinema is Not Bulletproof.
I have just witnessed quite possibly the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. I am not even kidding. "Kangaroo Jack" and "Bringing Down the House" can't even hold a candle to this one. The simple story of a Tibetan monk, entrusted with the power of a sacred scroll, a wise-cracking, pickpocket street urchin, and a Russian mafia princess that's hard to the core. The fact that someone actually wrote this and turned it into a studio where it was accepted (not to mention co-produced by John Woo) and turned into this weekend's big picture. Now let's concentrate on the picture shall we. For starters, Jamie King is a horrible actress, excuse me model/actress, and should stick to the runway with the rest of those 76 pound emaciated women that society dubs "gorgeous." Second, I cannot see Seann William Scott as a serious actor. He will NEVER live down the Stiffler role of American Pie. Always, will he be, the tainted beer drinker. I kind of pity Chow Yun Fat though. He must be slipping into senility or something agreeing to make this travesty of a film. Third, and possibly lastly, the villian. A NAZI. What does one do when they cannot develop a complex villian? Throw in a NAZI because who does everyone hate and don't care if you kill one or one-thousand of them? That's right, NAZI's. From the decrepit SS man holding true to the ignorant ideal of the NAZI party, "This is our party and you're not invited" to his aryan daughter complete with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a nice German name. What a cop out. A trifle of a film. Fortunately, I saw this on a free sneak preview, but I want two hours of my life back. Two hours of my life that I could have spent doing research or curing cancer and what did I do with it? Sat in a theater nearly in tears of pain and hysterical laughter at this. And for clarification, this is not one of those movies that is so bad that it is actually pretty funny (i.e. Shaft in Africa, Half Past Dead), no, this is awful, God awful. They think that we are idiots and it is no good to prove them right by throwing down hard earned money for this. If people would quit buying in, but they won't. American culture has dumbed down to the point where this is accepted. Here's my advice: Avoid this at all costs. Friends don't let friends see "Bulletproof Monk." (Oh and by the way, of course theres a titchler line.)
Phone Booth (2002)
How to hold my attention in a movie about a guy in a phone booth for an hour and a half.
I found this movie mildly entertaining. The film was well written and well acted, yet I found my own personal qualms with the storyline, like the disregard for human life(note, I will try not to spoil the movie for anyone.) It basically just comes off as Kiefer Sutherland voicing a pseudo-psychologist trying to change the ways of one man. Sure, two innocents die in the process, but hey, it works, doesn't it? It did manage to hold my attention though and didn't drag on for too long. Good dialogue too, comprising most of the film. You'll never be able to guess the ending either (hint sarcasm). Overall though, it's probably better than most of the crap out there clogging up the cinema.
Shaft in Africa (1973)
Is it too soon to whisper oscar? Oh Wait, Too Late
This is a film that EVERYONE should see. It all starts with the title, Shaft in Africa. The concept of Shaft going to Africa and the cover alone are reason enough to get it. Plus, it is inexpensive and can be found at most retail stores. Ok, lets break this film down shall we. First, while watching this movie I laughed harder than I ever have before. The second time the man with the staff broke down Shaft's door, I was in tears. The first time was hilarious, but again? Pure, unadulterated genius. Shaft is like James Bond minus all of the silly innuendo and sex jokes. Plus, you actually get to see NUDITY, albeit some is Richard Roundtree's bare rear end and a fat hooker, there is an extremly hot vixen NAKED. You can never tell what is going to happen next whether he be riding a camel or the whole, triangle shirt-waist factory inspired, building fire minus the locked doors and the slaves actually running UPSTAIRS. To sum it up, this movie has it all. Sex, Violence, Gore, Explosions, Stick fights, door breaking, but sadly, features a dog getting killed which NO ONE wants to see. I seriously think the only reason the dog was there was so that Shaft could utter the "Only one man died today, and two dogs" line, which wasn't that amusing. No one wants to see a dog getting killed. This movie rocks my socks off. Period.
Half Past Dead (2002)
The Best Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen
Oh boy where do we begin? I have been waiting to see this movie since I saw the previews a couple of months ago. I work at the local movie theater so hurrah for me, I didn't have to pay for it. Now typically, I am not a big fan of Steven Seagal, but when he has a dew rag, its a whole different ball game. Ad in a rapper cum pseudo actor and WALLAH, you have Half Past Dead. I don't see this as an action film but as a real laugh riot. The fact that they actually use the titchler line in the movie blew me away. I don't know how they pulled it of but they did. The funniest part, aside from Seagal's "gangsta'" antics and the whole "New Alcatraz" mumbo jumbo, is the warden. He used "7th Grade Spanish" as I like to call it where he uses phrases and words intermixed with English (ie. You will find Libros in your cells). I came away from this movie, enlightened. I learned that Steven Seagal is street, Alcatraz could actually be reopened and renovated with 21st century technology and still look the same on the outside, and, most important of all, you CAN recessitate a man that has been shot 8 or 9 times with a cattle prod. Please, do yourself a favor and see this movie, unless you are a real Seagal fanatic or have no sense of humor.
Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch (2002)
Some things are best left alone.
This movie qualifies as one of the worst movies I have ever seen. It is so bad that it is funny at times, such as a dog being able to hit a fast ball holding a metal bat with his teeth. Or a dog being able to field a ground ball with out opposable thumbs, something is wrong here. And to top the whole thing off, the dog gets drafted to a major league team at the end. Please, at all costs, avoid this movie. Take all of the copies from the Blockbuster and hide them under the shelves.