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paganborn
Reviews
Clash of the Titans (2010)
Crash and Burn of the Titans
I am a big fan of Clash of the Titans (1981). That said, I knew a remake would disappoint... but I never thought it would rape my childhood memories.
The original movie is a wonderful tale that captures the innocence and thrills of mythology and makes you want to be a hero. This generic big-screen embarrassment misses on every attempt. The plot is dull, things occur without understanding, and the special effects are mostly ho-hum.
The story of Perseus is a marvelous tale because he was an Everyman (aside from his being a son of Zeus) that was moved by love into a journey that would live and inspire for countless generations. However, this tale of Perseus is for guys with "daddy issues" and anger management problems.
Our hero manages to let nearly everyone die until he finds it convenient to use the gifts from the gods. Then he swoops in at the end to save a girl he barely gave two thought about throughout the movie. Saving the girl, by the way, was meant to stop the destruction of the city of Argos, which occurred anyway. All-in-all, not really a good showing for the people's savior.
Acting is minimal. Effects are only occasionally eye-catching at best. And the plot is non-existent.
So why did I see it? I guess I wanted to see if the gods of Hollywood deserved any praise. They do not... RENT THE ORIGINAL MOVIE and save the inflated-admission price for another blockbuster.
Silent Hill (2006)
The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of... Slaughter
If the residence of West Virginia thought they had bad press with talks of inbreeding and bad oral hygiene, this movie just gave all new reasons to avoid the 35th state of The Union.
Silint Hill manages to create an eerie atmosphere of nightmarish dread, despite its often notable plodding storyline. The movie did not contain any popcorn-tossing scares, but it wickedly created all those things that kept us awake and checking the shadows as children (seriously, tell me I was not the only one that saw dead, pale hands in the closet.. please).
Some of the acting was a bit spotty, and the character development could have used a brisk scrubbing:
Overprotective mom with a new Lexus (check)
Emotionally removed father with a platinum MasterCard (got it)
Eager beaver cop with a heart of gold (oh yeah)
Suspicious detective with a mysterious past (yep)
Religious zealot with a blind faith mob (you betcha)
Damaged adopted child with possible demonic ties (bring it... brought it)
Each character made his/her prerequisite appearances complete with clichéd dialog and hackneyed expressions. But who goes to a horror flick for deep philosophical chatter? Bring on the chills, thrills, and blood spills! And this movie does...
Although I did leave the theater with a bit of head scratching and squinty-eyed doubts, I have to admit that when I stepped outside, I was happy there was still daylight.
War of the Worlds (2005)
Snore Of The Worlds!
In 1953, some wise folks got together and made a very good visual re-telling of an H.G. Wells novel. Fast-forward 52 years, and some too-smart-for-their-own-good folks got together to ravage the long-cold grave of H.G. Wells and make... uh ... money! The only excuses for Spielberg making a movie this crap-tacular are:
1) He had 100 million dollars burning a hole in his pocket... and
2) He had just purchased a new kitchen knife and wanted to test it by editing a new film... and
3) Tom Cruise was already drunk in the living room helping to brainstorm a new project
Will the film make money? Of course, it's by Spielberg. Will the ladies love it? Of course, it has Tom Cruise in it. Will anyone be able to explain the half-baked premise, the myriad unbelievable inconsistencies, the lack of likable characters, or why highly-intelligent aliens would wait thousands of years to overthrow our world when they could have had it centuries ago for a string of beads? Of course, that's what fans are for.
I was originally going to give the movie a 2 star rating, but I had to give kudos to Spielberg and Cruise for brainwashing me into watching another of their duets after witnessing The Mi-snore-ity Report.
Cold Creek Manor (2003)
To the Manor Bored...
Have you ever wondered about deleted scenes from The Amityville Horror, Roadhouse, and This Old House with Bob Vila? Well, they evidently starred Dennis Quaid and Sharon Stone. And luckily, Touchstone Pictures compiled the footage into a movie that some might actually say is "interesting".
Cold Creek Manor is a 116 minute dialogue spanning a 118 minute movie about the horrible events which took place in a rural household by the previous tenant. Quaid and Stone move their happy family from the Big Apple to a cherry pit town to escape the frustrations and hazards of city living. Unfortunately, the secrets of the their new home quickly plunge them and their children into the twisted mind of a murderer.
Any couple that is currently looking for a new home will be on the edge of their seats as we follow the family through house-hunting drama and nail-biting garage sale scenes. Those of you expecting a suspense will have to wait until the last 20 minutes of the film before you care that anyone is in danger.
Stephen Dorff supported the flick as the jailbird/handyman/wife-seducer/bar brawler/girlfriend-beater/psycho and was not able to raise this B-movie above a C-. Juliette Lewis was the town's local "white trash", who shamelessly left no stereotype unturned, but also provided nothing you haven't seen on Hee Haw or the Dukes of Hazzard.
It is surprising that Touchstone trailered this movie as a horror/thriller considering that these elements are not found in any scene. The story was weak, the timing was long, the characters were flat, and the peak of action was an unexpected guest for lunch. Overall, the film suffered from... let's just say that the film suffered, and so will you.
On a positive note, the pool in the film is beautiful. Let's hope they make a sequel of that!
Gothika (2003)
It's Not A Remake... It Just Feels Like One!
I love horror films more than is legal in most states, but Gothika left me more horrified than horror-filled.
Halle Berry portrays Dr. Miranda Grey, a highly intelligent and very beautiful psychiatrist, who somehow must have lost a bet and had to marry Charles S. Dutton. Faster than you can say "I thought Robert Downey, Jr. was still in jail", Miranda wakes to find herself a patient in her own penitentiary, held for the grizzly (and thankfully, before any love scene) murder of her husband, who was one of the head's of the institution. Miranda soon learns that she is under the sway of a vengeful spirit and in the desires of a murderer.
To the movie's defense, there are some moments that really work to provide tension, but most of the time I just found myself wondering if Halle's wig was the same one from the original X-men movie, only dyed black. Sadly, the story is not overly-original and the special F/X are not anything you haven't seen in every scare-flick for the last 6 years.
The film definitely suffers from miscasting: Penelope Cruz...why? Halle Berry married to Charles S. Dutton... how? Robert Downey, Jr. a well-respected psychiatrist allowed free access to drugs... WHAT?
If you experience slight moments of "deja P-U" (which is the feeling that you've watched a movie this bad before), you will have finally learned what the tag line means... you are "Not Alone".
Girls Will Be Girls (2003)
A Movie for the Backstabbing Woman in All of Us!
I have not had the opportunity to laugh out loud like this in a very long time! Three men play three women with lust in there hearts and stars in there eyes in an homage to sketch comedy, B-movies, bad wigs, tasteless humor, and everything else that was not nailed down.
Intentionally silly plot twists and over-the-top acting make what could have been a very bland "Hollywood production" into a laugh-fest that will keep you smiling everytime you see a can of Cheez Wiz. There were several shameful laughs at everything from incontinence to abortions to rape to suicide. This movie is a wake-up call for anyone that actually thought that "To Wong Foo..." was funny and not patronizing to men in drag.
So put some sass in a glass, loosen your corsette, and see this flick with somebody that doesn't think your laugh is stupid!
Halloween: Resurrection (2002)
Eight Is Enough!
I wish I could say that this movie lacked any redeemable values... but I have to admit that there were some good moments to be had by anyone who enjoys the genre and the franchise. Unfortunately, these tense and suspenseful moments occur towards the last 20 minutes of the film.
The story revolves around a reality TV show, owned by Busta Rhymes and produced by Tyra Banks, that puts a group of college students in the old Myers house to unravel the mysteries behind Michael's killing spree. There are an abundance of limp thrills and cheap gore sprinkled with some genuine cleverness. It was great to see Jamie Lee Curtis resurrecting her role as the homicidal maniac's favorite sister, but her part seemed to have been added solely to give credence that the movie is connected to parts 1, 2, and H2O. So, if you are a true Myers fan, rent the video but don't bring out the expensive popcorn.
And as for Busta Rhymes' performance... sadly, William Shatner's spray-painted, latex mask out-acted him in every scene!
Where Truth Lies (1996)
If There Is Only One Movie You Miss This Year...
I thought the first 15 minutes of this mind-numbing psychiatric ward "torture de force" was the worse thing in the film... until the movie continued. By the middle of the film, the writer and the director hit rock bottom. But to my amazement, the crew took out pick-axes and shovels to reach new depths.
The basic plot revolves around an alcoholic psychiatrist obsessed with his first wife's death. The poor soul is soon institutionalized, by his best friend and second wife, in some sort of experimental mental institution run by the medically curious. It is here that our protagonist realizes the hidden truths... or does he?
The movie tries to be an intense psychological thriller with surprising plot twists. Instead, the film is a droning exploration of lackluster montages with as many surprises as your granny's navy bean soup!
Save your four dollar rental fee for a Keanu Reeves movie, at least you know what to expect. And if this gem happens to be on cable... cancel your subscription immediately.