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naomiwashburn
Reviews
The Black Rider: Revelation Road (2014)
Utterly Pointless
If I were to make a list of movies that are a complete waste of time, Revelation Road 3: The Black Rider would definitely be in the top ten. NOTHING happened in that stupid movie, and then they had the gall to tease ANOTHER sequel. Here's a rundown of this movie:
Josh goes to a place, fights some people, gets captured, then leaves. Josh goes to a different place, fights some people, gets captured, then leaves. Josh goes somewhere else, fights some people, gets captured, then leaves. Josh finds the macguffin he was looking for, gets shot, and dies. Josh is resurrected by the obligatory Jesus From The Encounter cameo. Josh goes to a place, fights some people, then gives a guy a ride. And it had to be Josh who gave him a ride because prophesy, despite the fact that they guy ALREADY HAD A VEHICLE before all this happened. Chaste kiss on the cheek from bland female love interest/person who has to convert. Sequel Bait. The end. You're supposed to be better than this, Pure Flix. Maybe next time spend a little less money on fight choreography and a little more on developing a script where something actually happens.
Gone (2002)
Entertainingly Terrible
Hilariously incompetent is the only way I can describe this movie. 90% of the movie is random padding where the characters run around frantically towards extremely unclear goals. Characters are rude and preachy towards each other out of nowhere, then move on as if nothing happened. The effects are both bad and inconsistent. At one point, the characters are desperately looking for water, and keep talking about needing to find water, while they are IN A BOAT on a river that is definitely made of water. I still can't decide if they forgot to color the water red or if the characters are just that dumb. Which brings me to the next point, which is that the writers seem to think that The Rapture and the 10 plagues of Egypt are the same thing. It was confusing. And that's not even counting the ending, which was so stupid I'm not sure there's even a word for it. So, yea. If you want a movie with terrible acting, an incomprehensible plot, crazed conspiracy theories, and an ending so bad it might make your face bleed, this is the movie for you. I recommend watching it with friends after several drinks. The riffing potential of this movie is amazing.
6 Angels (2006)
Do NOT watch sober or alone
This movie is HILARIOUSLY bad. If it had a budget of $20, I would be VERY surprised. This thing is so low budget, the official release HAS NO DVD MENU. 6 Angels has everything you could want in a terrible, terrible film. Confusing, poorly written, and borderline incomprehensible story? Check. Acting that would be laughed out of a community theater production, including one person who acts only with his AMAZING EYEBROWS? Double Check! Boobs for no reason? Hell yes! Bad sound production? Got that, too! Visual "effects" too crappy for even an 80's B movie? Damn right! Seriously, WATCH THIS FILM, but for your own sake, do NOT do so sober. Grab some friends, get drunk, and get ready for an amazing riffing experience.
The Sobbing Stone (2005)
So bad, it's AMAZING
This is one of the most hilariously AWFUL movies I've ever seen. Incompetence shines from every frame of this train wreck, and it is GLORIOUS. Acting that would be deemed too poor for even the worst community theater? Check. Terrible, inconsistent, and sometimes missing sound? Double Check! A script so poorly written, so inconsistent, and so stupid that no one in the universe could ever take it seriously? TRIPLE CHECK. And, on top of that, they deliberately mis-classified the movie on netflix to try and get non-Christians to watch it. Classy. Bottom line, if you want to see some of the worst written Christian propaganda ever ineptly put to film, this movie is for you. I won't spoil the stone's secret, but it's so stupid your brain might not be able to handle it. I recommend getting together with some friends and a LOT of booze, then riffing the crap out of this.
Squad 77 (2006)
Saying this movie sucks is an insult to things that suck
OVER HALF of this movie is a bad training montage. OVER HALF. And in that montage, we learn virtually nothing about the characters and nothing at all about the mission they're going on. Ever heard the writing adage, "Show, Don't Tell"? Well, the screenwriter certainly hasn't. Every single scrap of exposition, from character traits to plot points, is TOLD to the audience, and poorly. The acting would be embarrassing for a community theater. The direction is AWFUL. The movie is so slow, and drags so much, that getting through it is a chore. When the movie DOES get around to the actual "mission", it is poorly filmed, poorly paced, incredibly confusing, and just about everything that might accidentally have been interesting happens OFF SCREEN. I LOVE bad movies. They're one of my favorite guilty pleasures. But this film is so BORING and so incompetent it can't even be enjoyed as a bad movie. Even the spiritual message, if that's what you're looking for, is barely present, and is so bogged down by the tediousness of the film at large that by the time you get to it, you won't care. NO ONE will enjoy this movie. I highly recommend you steer clear of it.
The Genius Club (2006)
One of the DUMBEST movies ever brought to the screen
This is hands down one of the dumbest movies I've ever seen. The person who wrote this apparently thought that by telling the audience (this movie is all tell, no show) that their characters were smart, they could trick the audience into thinking that what the characters were saying was smart. No dice. This thing actually pulled out debunked "science" from A 90'S CHAIN EMAIL as "proof" of God's existence. Every single philosophical argument the writer thinks was a "zinger" is drenched in failure, and all of them have been refuted thousands of times by much smarter people than the ones portrayed in this film. And that's just the bad dialogue. Add to that the premise that the destruction of Washington DC would, in this movie's mind, be LITERALLY THE WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF EVER (tell that to Hiroshima or the victims of the holocaust), the fact that, at the end of the movie, EXACTLY NO PROBLEMS HAVE BEEN SOLVED, a "twist" ending that not only makes no sense, but makes the preceding film A THOUSAND TIMES WORSE, and you have a truly awful, insulting, and worthless film. I wouldn't even recommend this to fans of bad movies, it's that bad. Do yourself a favor and skip this pile of fail.
The Freedom of Silence (2011)
So bad it's AMAZING
I can't adequately describe how BAD this movie is, except to say that it's so bad it becomes AMAZING. You can't fake this level of ineptitude. Every level of this movie is drenched in sincerity and failure. None of the actors are able to convey any emotion, the writers clearly have no idea how the American government functions, the characters fight against ideologies that LITERALLY NO ONE holds, the music is never quite appropriate, it's set in 2030 but looks like 2003, the effects are hilarious, and the major "terrorist attack" was a mass email and magical hacking of ALL OF THE INTERNET.
Get some friends together, get drunk, and watch this movie. This is the Christian equivalent of The Room or Birdemic. Kick back, grab a drink, and enjoy the delicious, delicious fail.
Pamela's Prayer (1998)
Virgin/Whore Complex: The Movie
A better title for this movie would be, "Virgin/Whore Complex: The Movie". It is SO CREEPY. It's not even about the title character, Pamela. It's about her dad and his unsettling obsession with her virginity. The message of this movie is simple: if, as a girl, you EVER even kiss a boy, you are ruined forever. In fact, Pamela's best friend does the unthinkable and acts like a NORMAL teenage girl, even going so far as to have a *gasp* boyfriend, which ends in her having sex with him. They make it very clear that the sex was consensual, but she talks about it, and acts as traumatized, as if she had been raped.
This movie sends a HORRIBLE message to teens, especially girls. Not only does it enforce the classic virgin/whore complex, it also says that a girl's father should be involved in her (non)sex life to a degree that is downright terrifying. The fact that Pamela is not really developed as her own character is not an accident. Her only purpose is to do and be exactly what her father wants. She's not allowed to make her own choices or her own mistakes. She's not allowed to even make the decision to wait until her wedding day for her first kiss: it's a decision her father makes FOR her. And once she's married, she's not allowed to even make the decision to make a phone call without permission from her new husband.
This is not a movie about a girl discovering the beauty of purity. This is a movie about a father's creepy FANTASY of his daughter remaining a virgin until she passes from his iron-clad ownership into that of another man. Pamela is not a person in this movie, she is property. And the fact that this is being taught as something "beautiful" or, more horrifically, "holy", is something that ought to terrify any parent with a conscience.
It's important to teach teenagers that sex has consequences, and that the decision to become sexually active is one that should not be taken lightly. But this movie goes off the freaking deep end and promotes a worldview that is not only not realistic, it is insane. Any father this deeply involved in and obsessed with his child's love life in the real world would be more likely to be a sexual predator than father of the year.
One final thing: if you watch this movie, and can get past the horrible acting, horrible music, and horrible writing, ask yourself one question: How would this movie, this story, have been different if the child had been a boy instead of a girl? That's the worst part of this movie: ZERO attention is paid to male sexuality. It's all about controlling or shaming the sexuality of the FEMALE characters. They try to mask this by having Pamela's eventual husband say that he made a commitment to the Lord to wait until his wedding day for his first kiss, but it's not the same as Pamela AT ALL. Pamela's husband made the decision for himself, with no one else's input, after careful prayer. Pamela had the decision made for her by her father.
This movie has deep emotional issues, especially with women. Beneath the poorly written surface, there is a deep misogyny that says that women are to be the virginal property of their fathers and then their husbands, with no ambitions or desires of their own, and that if they fail to meet the expectations of their male owners, especially in the arena of sexuality, then they are ruined forever.
If you have a conscience, or you're a good parent, don't watch this movie. And certainly don't show it to any teenagers.
Flatline (2010)
So bad it's bad
Do you like watching movies where all you want to do is bitch-slap the main character? Then you'll love Flatline. This is the story of Marc: a whiny, privileged twenty-something who thinks the world should revolve around him and his problems. The movie starts with Marc's dad dying in car accident. Rather than grieve like a normal person, Marc goes nuts, grabs a security guard's gun, and takes the medical staff hostage to try and force them to resuscitate his dad. Throughout the movie, we see flashbacks of Marc's life, including his previous struggles with the death of his mom. None of this makes Marc a sympathetic character. At no point in this movie will you care about Marc or his problems. All you will want to do is slap him for being so self-centered and stupid. Then, when the "twist" ending comes along, you'll want to slap your TV, too. This is one of the most incompetent movies I've ever seen. The production values are OK, and the acting is mediocre. That's not what makes it incompetent. What makes it incompetent is the awful, awful script. I'm actually not sure why this movie wound up in the "Faith and Spirituality" section of Netflix, because while it tries to pretend it's some sort of mediation on death and the meaning of life, what little there is in that vein might as well not even be there. This is, very simply, a terrible writer's attempt to write something inspirational. And it fails. Hard.This isn't even a "so bad it's good" movie, because the main character is so insufferable you won't even have fun lampooning it. Do yourself a favor and forget this movie even exists.