action-man101 Reviews

Haunted (2018– )

Fake news

[2/10 · 26 October 2018]

So-called true stories of the paranormal told by the people who experienced them is far too cliched, absurd and structually convenient to be true. Either the people telling the stories are actors, or if they are indeed real people, then they are delusional and are using the paranormal as a way of masking or explaining their deep-rooted psychological issues. Netflix would have been better off just making this a stand alone horror show but by claming it to be true it quickly loses all credibility. Episode 2 "The Slaughterhouse" just doesn't hold up to any kind of scrutiny . As for Episode 5 - it's your standard run-on-the-mill alien abduction story that no one bothers reading about in the National Enquirer because it's BS.

The Quiet Ones (2014)

Hotpants Horror

[3/10 · 15 April 2014]

Painfully dull horror set in the 70s that should've been called The Boring Ones. Yet another girl-in-a-white-nightdress-is-possessed snorefest. Far too talky and takes ages to get going. By the time something does happen it's too little too late and predictable. May scare some children and easily frightened wimpy adults but nobody else. Some unintentional laughs via the hilarious number of different 70s clothes the blonde hottie wears. Her skimpy hotpants are probably the best thing in this film and stopped me from leaving the cinema early. A disappointment from the newly relaunched Hammer Films and not a patch on the far scarier The Woman in Black.

Mr Selfridge (2013–2016)

This NOT a BBC series - neither is Downton Abbey!

[7/10 · 2 March 2014]

Thought this needed saying as many people outside the UK, particularly in the US and Canada, assume all British TV is made my the BBC. It's not. Mr Selfridge is made by ITV, the same broadcaster as D.A. Neither of them is made by the BBC. Right - got that out of my system. On to the show. It's pretty good. Some very sympathetic characters and Jeremy Piven is good in the title role. It's not up the same standard as DA but it does hold its own. Some of the villains are a tad cartoonish but on the whole it fills a Downton Abbey-sized whole in the viewing schedule. Also, some very impressive hats! I was in Selfridges the other day - its much MUCH bigger than the TV makes out. Much bigger.

Dracula (2013–2014)

Bram Stoker Will Rise From The Grave & Kill All Concerned

[1/10 · 1 November 2013]

Oh dear. Probably the worst new series of 2013. Badly written, laughably acted and terrible music as well. Everything about this turkey is wrong. So now Dracula is American and wants to attack big business?!? He's declared an "economic war" against some stock character actors in beards! BORING! That's not what vampires do! And Van Helsing is in cahoots with him? What next? There was also a very clumsy reference to Jack The Ripper being a vampire - yeah why not. Rhys Meyers is so hammy it's a wonder some vampire isn't sucking on him. He seems to be giving the same exact performance as he did in The Tudors. How does this guy get work?? He must be sucking someone to get these roles! I definitely won't be watching another episode as it's just too awful.

Skyfall (2012)

One of the Best

[9/10 · 9 November 2012]

Excellent. One of the best Bond films of the entire series. It captures the dark brooding brilliance of Casino Royale and marries it with the panache, humour and style of the Connery-era Bonds. Stunning pre-credit action sequence which is probably the best of all the 23 Bonds. Craig is better than ever as 007 and has truly made the role of Bond his own. Fans of the early Bond films will love certain homages which aren't forced but flow naturally into the story. Bardem is the best villain of the entire 23-film series, Judi Dench is brilliant as always as is Ben Wishaw as the new Q. Casino Royale is still my favourite but Skyfall is a close second, with Goldfinger third. The final 15 mins is just 007 heaven! ENJOY!

The Dictator (2012)

Mr Cohen your time is up.

[2/10 · 13 June 2012]

Weak script, poor acting and unfunny gags sink this turkey from Britain's bad boy of comedy. Cohen made his name as a brave edgy comedian who took risks and poked fun at the establishment. Ali G was a great TV creation and Borat was one of the funniest films I've ever seen. Even Bruno had several very funny moments. But this movie seems a movie too far for him and he appears to be running on empty now. I'm all for toilet humour and tasteless jokes but The Dictator just isn't funny. Comedy is all about timing and Cohen's was well off. There appeared to be a pause after every unfunny joke as if Cohen was waiting for people to laugh. Even his accent was poor. The film has a couple (literally) funny one-liners, Anna Faris tries her best, but that's about it. The birthing and zip wires scenes were particularly excruciating as was the needless joke about raping boys(?). The scene where Cohen is kidnapped by a rogue CIA agent who attempts to torture him is spectacularly unfunny and embarrassing, it's as if a 7 year old thought up the gags. No one in the cinema laughed at all during the film. Perhaps some teenage boys who failed all their school exams might find it funny but I doubt anyone else will.

Prometheus (I) (2012)

It's Alien, Jim but not as we know it.

[4/10 · 9 June 2012]

Ridley Scott's Alien-prequel is like a Christmas present sitting under a tree. Attractively wrapped it promises to be the present you always wanted. But come Christmas morning as you begin to unwrap it, it quickly dawns on you that you haven't received the Playstation 3 you always wanted. Sure the box says it's a Playstation but once you open it, it turns out it's another knitted jumper from Grandma. As any fan of Alien will tell you, Prometheus concerns the large humanoid, or "Space Jockey" seen at the beginning of that film. Ever since that memorable scene fans have wondered what it was and why it was there. Well, after watching Prometheus they're still wondering. This film probably sounded better when the producers discussed it around the production table. Sadly the end result simply doesn't work. There are too many needless characters, too much bad dialogue and not nearly enough thrills or suspense that Alien and Aliens gave us in spades. Poorly written, this mishmash of ideas turns out to be a sheep in wolf's clothing. The premise (I hesitate to use the word plot as there isn't really one) concerns an expedition to a faraway world to discover the possible origins of mankind. When our explorers reach the planet of LV-223 (not LV-426 featured in Alien and revisited in Aliens) they discover several large structures in a barren wasteland. It soon becomes apparent that the giant humanoids were our ancestors (surprise surprise) and the large structures are in fact alien vessels - the doughnut shaped ship from Alien being one of them. Our intrepid explorers find out they these humanoids were wiped out by some kind of biological weapon that they created and wished to destroy the Earth with. Soon things go down the tubes and, just like in Alien, there is only one female survivor. Why the giant humanoids were planning our destruction is not explained - though we can speculate, nor is the nature of the biological weapon, which appears to be a forerunner of the alien creature. In fact several things are not explained at all and all this does is leave you with a sense of disappointment. In fact it's no better or worse than the laughable Alien v Predator films. Michael Fassbender is amusing as an effeminate robot and Charlize Theron looks smoking hot as the ice-cool corporate suit from Weyland Industres. You'd be better of watching Stargate.

The Adventures of Tintin (2011)

The Adventures of Bland Boy and his dog, Exposition.

[2/10 · 1 June 2012]

Dear oh dear, it seems loads of people were blown away by the film's impressive animation, and thus came away thinking it was a good film. I found it boring to say the least. I don't care how good the film looks, it was just filled with unfunny humour and exposition. My two stars are for the animation alone. It also had John Williams' worst score for a film - I had the feeling he couldn't have cared less about it. The poor script writing is what makes this film interminably dull - and we can thank Steven Moffat for that. Anyone who's ever watched Doctor Who will know that Moffat loves his exposition. He just can't help but get characters waffle on about what's happening in the film, and what will happen if they don't stop the bad guy etc etc. The whole film felt like an ordeal that had to be overcome. How can so many talented people (not including Mr Moffat) have made such a bland film?

Jack and Jill (I) (2011)

Sandler proves his career really is in decline

[1/10 · 2 April 2012]

There have been some okay Adam Sandler films in the past, such as The Wedding Singer and The Waterboy, and there have been some turkeys such as Little Nicky and Click. But this thing, Jack & Jill, is the worst by far. It's so bad you're left scratching your head and asking yourself two questions. 1) What were they thinking? and 2) Why did I come and see this? The film is boring, unfunny and stupid. Sandler co-wrote this and all that tells me is how he should never write again. If this is his idea of a good script for a comedy he clearly has lost the plot. It feels like it was written by a child. But even saying that would be an insult to children everywhere. This awful film has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. It's budget was a reputed $75m. They might as well have taken that money and set fire to it. This is an insult to writers and filmmakers everywhere.

A Thousand Words (I) (2012)

Rubbish

[1/10 · 14 March 2012]

Absolute rubbish film! Yet another turkey from Eddie Murphy. This and Adam Sandler's Jack & Jill should be condemned to movie oblivion. Both cost millions and millions and for what? Surely Hollywood could use that money for much better films that funding stupid boring trash like this. Has Eddie ever really been funny? Well, there was Trading Places, Beverley Hills Cop and Coming To America - but they were in the 80s!! His endless slew of "family" films have been truly dreadful. Why oh why do Hollywood execs keep funding Eddie Murphy films??? Who watches them? Who exactly are these Eddie Murphy fans? Are they all brain-dead zombies who think Murphy opening his eyes wide and looking surprised is the height of hilarity? This film is just another reason why Murphy should stop making films all together. He can't act, he's not funny. Him and Adam Sandler should be marooned on a desert island together. The pits!

Conan the Adventurer (1997–1998)

Good grief!

[1/10 · 16 March 2010]

Quite possibly the worst television series ever made. I'm a big fan of the 1982 Conan The Barbarian film, thought Conan The Destroyer wasn't very good, but this cheapo show stank all the way. Terrible acting and laughable "action" make this a real turkey. Hilarious continuity errors puncutate every scene. The music is rubbish, the locations are boring. Every episode of this drivel is the same "story". The last episode had Conan and his dumb friends help some people (about 4 of them I think) search for their fish!?! The talking skull-thing looks like it came from a toy shop. Moeller, looks the part but his acting makes Arnie look like Anthony Hopkins. Strictly for the least discriminating viewers only - or people with an IQ lower than their shoe size.

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The Uninvited (2009)

The Uninvited.

[7/10 · 17 November 2009]

A teenage girl is released from a mental hospital nearly a year after the tragic death of her invalid mother in a fire to find her dad now living with a younger woman. As soon as she arrives she starts seeing horrific images of her mother reaching out from beyond the grave. US remake of a Korean horror is not bad at all and well acted from all involved. Yet it is also very similar to a rarely seen chiller from 1972 called The Other. If you haven't seen that film (and chances are you haven't) then you'll probably enjoy this movie more. All in all a better than average horror, much helped by the music of Christopher Young (Hellraiser).

Stargate Universe (2009–2011)

Neither one nor the other.

[4/10 · 7 October 2009]

I was a bit of a fan of SG1, didn't bother watching Atlantis, but i did like the Stargate film as well as Continuum. I'm all for sci-fi leaving its childish audience and adopting a more adult tone. Battlestar Galactica was brilliant and very much a standard bearer in the sc-fi genre. But Stargate Universe is just dull. Its obviously trying to copy BSG and so far its failed. Its neither Stargate nor Battlestar Galactica. I won't be watching this as the first 2 episodes were boring. Sci-fi for adults doesn't have to mean boring. It makes me wonder what the producers were trying to achieve? They seem to have both alienated the SG fans, and failed to impress the floating viewers. Its a bad mish mash Voyager and BSG, oh and with a stargate thrown in.

Machine (2003)

Machine

[10/10 · 20 March 2009]

Wonderful short film beautifully shot in black & white. A shy dog shampooer stuck in a monotonous life decides to build a time machine in his bedsit - but he lacks imagination and only goes back in time to the day before (or does he?) The machine itself is a wonderful construction of junk bric-a-brac that he has carefully put together. Superbly acted by all.Brian Teles who plays Tom is simply marvellous as the dog shampooer. His quiet understated performance anchors this gem of a film. The scene in the café near the end is priceless. Cleverly made with excellent production values. Superb musical score. A true piece of cinematic art that will stay with you for a very long time.

The Killing Gene (2007)

WAZ (aka The Killing Gene)

[5/10 · 13 March 2009]

Interesting British-made thriller that borrows heavily (or is that steals?) from Se7en and Saw. Melissa George is cop trying to unravel a series of gruesome murders in New York with her gruff partner, Stellan Skarsgard. Somebody is bumping off several of the city's gang bangers and their loved ones and carving an equation onto their stomachs. The plot covers very familiar ground as the two very different detectives try to identify the killer. George does her best but her character is poorly defined - a bit more background should have been shown. Skarsgard is almost laughable in his attempt to be tough and cool, he merely comes across as being unintelligible. What makes this film different is the surprisingly good cast (Selma Blair, Tom Hardy, Ashley Walters, Sally Hawkins) who turn up. The final plot twist in the last 15 minutes is far-fetched and feels like a sensationalist tabloid headline. Tries to take a novel approach to the torture-porn genre by raising some interesting Darwinian questions but ultimately fails under its own pretensions. It's not hard to see why this went straight to DVD. Nice try though.

Watchmen (2009)

Watchmen

[5/10 · 7 March 2009]

Based on the cult 80's graphic novel (comic book to you and me). This is one superhero flick that is definitely not for kids, hence its 18 rating. Re-invents the genre in a film that was widely believed to be unfilmable. Set in an alternate 1985, in which America won the Vietnam war and Richard Nixon is still President, it shows us a group of sad, depressed ex-superheros known as "Watchmen" in a world that has abandoned them - because lets face it who needs a masked weirdo running around in spandex? There is a welcome change of pace from other comic book adaptations as the "heroes" are shown to be very human. There are also moments of dark humour such as the prison scenes and the nostalgic opening showing other masked heroes and their eventual downfall. Unfortunately the film bites off more than it can chew but the main problem is that it gives us no one to root for. The Watchmen are more like a group of sociopaths who need locking up - in one case one of them shoots dead a pregnant woman!?! Another hurdle is that for the majority of the film there isn't even a villain for them to fight - at least until the final 20 mins (which stretches credibility) and the identity of the baddie is revealed to the surprise of no one. Billy Crudup's character of Dr. Manhattan who for some reason walks around the whole film stark naked is one of the dullest characters I've ever seen in a movie of this type. He looks like a member of the Blue Man Group who decided to stop performing with his chums and become a flasher. The film is around 45 mins too long as a result of non-linear writing which results in a lot of time wasting. Plus points are the demented Roarshack who steals every scene in his ever-changing ink blot mask, and the gorgeous Malik Akerman who is a dead-ringer for Lucy Lawless. But these are few and far between.

The Diary of Anne Frank: November 1942 (2009) Season 1, Episode 3

Anne Frank

[10/10 · 17 February 2009]

A perfect production by the BBC. Closer to Anne's diary then any other production that has come before. Alternately amusing, sweet, thought-provoking, terrifying, tense and moving. This perfectly captures the feel of Anne Frank's diary and is brilliantly acted by all concerned, in particular to the young actress who plays Anne. A triumph for all concerned and should be watched by children everywhere throughout the world. The cast is exactly how I pictured all the people when I first read her diary many years ago. The reproduction of the attic in which the Frank family and their friends lived for 2 years is highly accurate as anyone who has visited the Anne Frank museum in Holland will testify.

Son of the Mask (2005)

Awful

[1/10 · 13 February 2009]

An absolute pile of crap from beginning to end. Purile drivel and a complete waste of time - I doubt even a 6 year old who struggles in school would enjoy it. Everything about this film is wrong. It is cynically made to cater for societies most stupid people. Anyone who enjoys this movie must have an extremely low IQ and probably lives in a trailer with their wife/sister. Writing about a plot here would be as pointless as the film. Why oh why do people make this garbage? The contempt the filmmakers must have for the cinema-going public is astounding. I'm not a fan of the original film, I thought it was okay - but this? A steaming pile of horse manure that deserves all its criticism that it has received.

Force 10 from Navarone (1978)

Farce 10

[4/10 · 28 January 2009]

Limp sequel (of sorts) to the classic Guns of Navarone, has Harrison Ford and his team heading to Yugoslavia to blow up a bridge valuable to the Nazis. The film has some heavily contrived plot devices that highlight the film's hastely written script. The stupid insertion of Carl Weathers' character who decides to go on the mission for no apparent reason is the most obvious. He reminded me of another pointless character, Jar Jar Binks from Phantom Menace. Other bad choices are the consistently stupid and unbelievable actions some of the characters make throughout the film. These 'specialists' are nothing of the kind and seem to belong to a movie like Stripes or Police Academy. The whole production smacks of amateur hour as our heroes stumble their way to the ultimate goal. Despite a big budget and a great cast, Force 10 From Navarone will probably go down as one of the worst films of Harrison Ford's career.

Valkyrie (2008)

The Cruiser vs The Fuhrer

[6/10 · 24 January 2009]

Well, its finally here. For ages now much of the press has rubbed their hands with glee as they looked forward to trashing this pet-project from the Cruiser. Cruise V Hitler after all had TURKEY written all over it. Even I had a laugh as I waited to see the wee man's attempt at appealing to the greater German public after they slammed Scientology and branded it a cult. That of course is another debate all together. On to the film. Its not nearly as bad as many people had hoped or expected, some of it is rather good in fact. From what I can tell it is historically accurate in its depiction of the failed Von Stauffenberg plot to assassinate the Fuhrer in July 1944. The recreation of Hitler's Wolf's Lair and the Berghof is picture-perfect and adds much realism to the film and the direction from X-Men's Bryan Singer keeps things nicely bubbling along. The film's biggest problem though is Tom Cruise as the aristocratic Claus Von Stauffenberg. He simply fails to pull it off and comes across as a cheesed off - dare I say it, "Little Hitler." The role needed to reflect the Bavarian Count should've gone to someone like Liam Neeson or perhaps Christian Bale. Strange and uncomfortable casting permeates this film: the presence of Eddie Izzard as a communications officer at the Wolf's Lair is totally out of place and much of the cast also fails to convince. The best performances come from the European actors ,Thomas Kretschmann, Christian Berkel and the gorgeous Carice Van Houten who was last seen dodging more Nazis in Black Book. Sadly not enough is seen from them as the British with Cruise in-tow take centre stage. If this film had been made by the people behind Downfall it could have been so much better and as is, it remains something of a missed opportunity (no pun intended).

Outpost (2008)

Dear oh dear...

[1/10 · 22 January 2009]

Action + Horror = Boredom. That's what I've come to learn over the years. Low-budget snooze-fest about a group of unpleasant mercenaries somewhere in "Eastern Europe" who go poking around an old WW2 bunker when they're set upon by undead Nazi soldiers - not as interesting at it sounds. This poor excuse for a film fails on just about every level, from artistically to technically. One of the characters is supposed to be American but his attempt at a deep-south accent is laughable - lord knows where he actually came from. The "science" explanation of the events make no sense and neither does the script as a whole. Bad acting, poor direction and not a single character to care about. The pits.

The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008)

Another remake....

[5/10 · 21 January 2009]

Big budget remake of the classic 50's original gets a typically eco-friendly make-over which seems to be all the rage at the moment in this brave attempt. This film is not without its merits, chief amongst them Jennifer Connolly's performance, a nifty-looking Gort and a decent build up to the alien arrival. However the minuses sadly outweigh the plusses. The main culprit is the wooden Keanu Reeves. His performance as Klaatu suffers the most in comparison to the original version when he was played by class and compassion by the enigmatic Michael Rennie. Reeves' "acting" as never been up to par but here he looks like he's bored and constipated. The whole point of the screenplay is a warning to Earth to mend its ways, in the 1951 version it was to stop our atomic and nuclear programs as our war-like tendencies threatened other species in the galaxy. Klaatu did this by showing the power at his disposal and at the same time not harming a single living thing. Here, its to get us to recycle more. Perhaps Al Gore should've played Klaatu? After all he's won an Oscar! Oh and a few people get killed along the way to emphasise his point, including some innocent truck driver (?) However Reeves' poor performance was nearly overshadowed by the annoying little boy and his hilarious dreads? Was the hair and make up artist having a laugh? In their scenes together I didn't know what to laugh at first! On the whole as a remake its slightly better than the Cruiser's War Of The Worlds, but that's not saying much.

Slumdog Millionaire (2008)

excellent!

[8/10 · 21 January 2009]

Uniquely original fable with charm to spare. The tale of a young Muslim man from the slums of Mumbai who wins 20m rupees on the Indian version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire - and the story of how and why he knew the answers. Told mostly in flashback we are shown the young Jamal and his elder brother Salim, and how they seek to escape their poverty-stricken existence after the brutal killing of their mother at the hands of religious extremists. At the beginning of the film as Jamal is being tortured by the police ,who believe he cheated on the show, we are asked how does a "slumdog" from Mumbai know all the answers? Slowly we are shown. For all those people who believe that India is a charming, mystical place full of awe and wonder, need to watch a film like this. Mumbai is shown to be the polluted, disgusting, corrupt-ridden sinkhole it is and the treatment of the street children is heartbreaking, even to a cynical sod like me. Many of the films best scenes are in the flashback sequences as Jamal, Salim and their young female companion, Latika, struggle to survive on the streets. The performances from the young actors who portray the main characters younger selves is astonishing and one forgets that we are watching actors (as its supposed to be in movies but often isn't). If Charles Dickens were alive today he would probably be writing something like this as many of the issues that were close to Dickens' heart (poverty, street crime, family, honour) are to be found here - there is even a Fagin character as well as the gang from Oliver Twist. It also has a Bollywood-style mass dance number as the icing on the cake. A must-see film. Note to Hollywood - please don't remake this.