bob_bear Reviews

Enola Holmes (2020)

Anachronistic Bunkum

[3/10 · 24 July 2021]

If you enjoy anacronystic casting and a feminist agenda crowbarred into Victorian setting, you'll love this. I don't, so I didn't.

I thought the acting/casting was dire overall.

It looks lovely - in a Disney version of old England kind of way.

Perfect for 13 year old girls who don't give a toss about authenticity. I'm not and I do.

Utter rubbish.

Prisoners (2013)

Putrid

[1/10 · 14 June 2021]

There are few films that actually made me feel sick at heart but this is one of them. I hated it. Every minute of it. There is nobody to like or root for. It's populated by creeps of every variety. Deeply offensive on so many levels I felt like putting a foot through the screen by the end of it.

The Invisible Man (I) (2020)

I have no idea why people are giving this 1/10!

[8/10 · 18 August 2020]

It's a great film. I lt ooks great, the acting is great, it grips, there are twists and turns galore and you really care about Cecilia. That was my experience of this terrific movie. I cannot imagine why some people are giving this 1/10 or what their motivations are. I've seen some stinkers in my time and this surely isn't one of them. I'd only advise not to watch the trailers - they give way too much away. Come to it blind, suspend your disbelief and enjoy the roller coaster ride. One of the best films I've seen in ages without doubt 8/10.

Sliding Doors (1998)

Och Eye The Not Noo

[4/10 · 21 April 2018]

I'd wanted to see this for a while. I knew it as a rob of Run, Lola Run! (Lola Rennt) but it it intrgued me none the less. Gwyneth Paltrow is not one of my favourite actors and the chemistry with her two male leads is less than stellar but she did a great job of a convincing English accent and deserved better than this cheap, non-filmic looking outing that has all the production values and art camerawork of a Channel Five drama.

It's like a hideous rom-com as styled by Richard Curtis crossed with a stolen idea. What would happen if life changed because of a 2 second chance happenstance. Interesting premise but a bad wig and two drippy guys didn't do it for me.

Sorry, not good. Sorry Gwenyth.

The Vampire Lovers (1970)

Well, yes, I suppose...

[25 November 2017]

Finally got around to watching this on YouTube. Mostly because Madeline Smith was in it. Thereafter, to chase my teenage fear of vampire horror away. Obviously the fear was in my fertile imagination at the time. It's neither scary nor sexy it's just ho hum. Madeline should have been a Hollywood star. Goodness only knows why they passed her by. She had a perfectly charming voice but it seems the producer here decided to dub her lines for no reason I can understand. Talented actors are wasted on an unsophisticated, melodramatic script more suited to the Henry Irving age of theatre. They and the audience deserved better. A smoke machine, cheapo graphics and 70s hairdos abound. Everyone tries their best and fail. It's just not very good.

Ant-Man (2015)

Deserves to be crushed under a shoe

[1/10 · 9 January 2016]

Okay, enough already! Another formulaic load of old tripe featuring boring, cocksure, dumb and supposedly somehow charming hero blessed with super powers he doesn't deserve and boring us all to death through two turgid hours of special effects and a plot you could write on the back of a postage stamp. (Iron Man, Green Lantern, et al. anybody?) This one thinks it's a bit of a comedy...except the lame jokes are sign posted about a mile away and deserve to be punctuated with a ba-dumb-tish on the snare drum.

Ant Man. A lousy idea and a lousy film. 2 hours of my life I will never get back. And the threat at the end?: "Ant Man will return!" Don't bother!!

Maleficent (2014)

In a word...crap!

[1/10 · 24 October 2014]

Well, that's 90 minutes of my life I'll never get back. Angelina Jolie does her best impression of sucking a lemon as she wanders aimlessly through a plot written on the back of a fag packet. The End.

Oh, but IMDb requires more. Okay, so I wanted to put the princess to sleep permanently - with a hatchet! Talk about saccharine performance! All the secondary characters are pants. Absolutely no explanation as to why King Stefan betrayed his childhood sweetheart. For the crown? Just like a man then...er NOT!

Utterly built around the lead actress. No one else to compete. And she's not all that. Not even close.

In a word...crap!

Kill Your Darlings (2013)

There are better songs worth singing...

[5/10 · 12 July 2014]

I watched this with a gay friend. At the end of which, I asked him what he thought of it? He hated it, he said. When I asked why, he said because it simply reinforces prejudice -- the misguided belief that gay people are sick, dysfunctional and/or psychotic. He is utterly fed up with seeing gay people portrayed this way, he said, and that there are better songs worth singing. I can see his point.

As someone who was into the Beats in my University days – not so much for their literary output as for their legend - I always felt that Ginsberg came across as a rather unattractive, libertine, amoral, corruptive, twerp. Daniel Radcliffe gives him a goody two-shoes makeover. The physical casting overall is good – except for Jack Huston as Jack Kerouac. He lacks the looks, charisma and sensitive masculinity that made Kerouac an Icon. Major fail.

Radcliffe's Ginsberg is like an innocent abroad who falls into a life of drug addled debauchery whilst remaining doe-eyed and strangely incorruptible. If I didn't know the story better, I might have bought it. Such is the power of Danny's wholesomeness.

In the final analysis, I reference my friend again. How many out of ten would he give it? Five, he replied. If it's a true sorry, it's a true story, he said. Still, it wasn't a story that needed retelling. I agree with him, there are better songs worth singing.

Supernatural (2005–2020)

Making it up as they go along?

[7/10 · 5 March 2014]

I like this series. I really do. But can't help feeling that they make it up as they go along. No consistency in the story telling. Maybe it's the raft of writers involved but character/plot development and character consistency just seems to be utterly lacking.

For example, Crowley was originally a kind of lovable baddie who gave Bobby his mobility back but by the end of series 8 he's the devil incarnate.

Great characters like Benny are introduced and then squandered like they don't know what to do with them. Garth is mentioned a million times more than he appears. It's so crap! Is it just down to a lack of forward planning/imagination/budget or what? Note to production team: Must do better!!

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013)

The Mundane Instruments: City of Bores

[3/10 · 15 February 2014]

I haven't read the books. I watched this as a stand alone movie. It didn't stand up.

Teen TV horror/romance with a bigger budget but one that adds nothing to the genre. For all its vampires and werewolves it has no teeth whatsoever and I found it all dreadfully dull and dreary. The camera cuts away from any horror. The love triangle was uninspiring - and the incest theme was just tasteless and creepy...and unresolved.

So many previous reviewers have pointed out the myriad of plot holes, I won't bother going in to them. The plot doesn't bear any intelligent examination.

I wanted to be entertained and I wasn't.

Gravity (2013)

I don't understand the raves...

[4/10 · 28 December 2013]

Like so many before me, I was looking forward to watching and enjoying one of the films, if not THE film of the year. The critics raved about it. IMDb rates it an 8.4 average.

What a disappointment.

The first five minutes introduced us to three characters, two male buffoons acting like five year olds in a space playground and a female engineer, temperamentally unsuited to being on the mission. She cannot follow orders and ultimately causes both their deaths -- not that she seems to give that much thought -- and we are supposed to care about her and her plight? There is no one here to care about.

The visuals aren't enough. Watching Bullock pinball from one crisis to another gets old really quickly.

Honestly, I don't understand the raves. Poor to average at best.

The Conjuring (2013)

70's Blair Witch Bunkum

[2/10 · 26 December 2013]

This is scoring 7.5? Oh, excuse me! Who is voting for this. And whose payroll are they on??? About as frightening as Mary Poppins. Utter bunkum of the 1st degree.

Family buy haunted house and refuse to leave despite everyone's subsequent traumatic experiences? Yes, my arse!

The lead actress looks old enough to be her husband's mother.

Hackneyed old haunted house rubbish with Roman Catholic exorcist tripe thrown in.

Complete bunkum. Waste of valuable hours of my life.

Not recommended. Truly one to be avoided.

A Christmas Carol (2009)

Throughly Enjoyable Christmas Classic

[8/10 · 26 December 2013]

Visually stunning and utterly engaging this version of A Christmas Carol is second only to Alastair Sim's Scrooge IMHO. A complete treat to watch over the Christmas holidays.

It's dark and scary in parts and not quite Disney - which is not a bad thing. Rated PG so at least parents get some warning of what their children can expect but we must remember that it was Dickens' intention that his readers feel afraid at certain points. It's part of the whole experience.

My only minor quibbles would be the unnecessary "action" sequences. Scrooge shooting to the moon was a superfluous departure (no pun intended) from the book but it was the overly long chase sequence and miniaturization that most glaringly took liberties with the source material for the cinematic sake of it. The time would have been better spent on developing other scenes from the book. You can't improve on Dickens' original but for some reason Hollywood always seems to find it necessary to fix what isn't broken.

Overall though, it is lovely to watch, heart-warming and life and love affirming.

Highly recommended.

Oblivion (I) (2013)

I have seen the future...and it's been done before and better.

[3/10 · 26 December 2013]

10 minutes in and I was thinking: "This is boring." And one hour fifty minutes later as the credits rolled I was left feeling no different.

It's obvious that piles of money were thrown at this project but to what end? The characters don't engage the emotions. The plot is utterly derivative and full of holes. The direction plods. It's a complete snooze.

Tom Cruise looks old. The female actors provide little more than decoration. Morgan Freeman is employed (yet again) to add gravitas to a load of old bunkum (as he was in Olympus Has Fallen) and fails (again).

The trailer had me hoping for a spectacular, firecracker of a film experience but all I got was a damp squib. Boring and disappointing. A waste of two (L-O-N-G) hours.

Slow. Overly-long. Dull. Not recommended.

No Ordinary Family (2010–2011)

Too good to last?

[10/10 · 8 September 2013]

I came to this series late and just watched it on DVD over the course of about two weeks. I absolutely loved it.

The casting was superb, the scripts were, for the most part, top notch. I really enjoyed watching the family evolve and with each episode something new was brought to the table. It alternated effortlessly from being amusing to being dark. Most importantly it had heart and intelligence. The SFX were amongst the best I've seen on TV.

So how did this get canceled when so much crud runs on and on? A limited appeal? Lackluster promotion? Too good for its own good? Clearly it wasn't deemed to generate enough advertising revenue because at the end of the day it's not about quality but about profit.

A series that will leave you wanting more. Still, it's worth watching as a stand alone season. I just wish there were more to come.

Shell (I) (2012)

How did this get funding?

[1/10 · 4 August 2013]

Artsy-fartsy character study of creepy father and daughter combo stranded in the middle of nowhere. As the minutes of your life tick away never to return the only comfort to be had is the knowledge that at least your life is not as godawful as theirs.

One-note throughout, it plods, grimly towards it's dreary conclusion. Whoever thought this was worth funding clearly has more money than sense.

The acting is suitably stilted to the point of somnambulent. The dialog is largely monosyllabic.

All in all, it is truly the movie equivalent of watching paint dry. Not only was it never worth a trip to the cinema it isn't even worth a free download. Don't waste your electricity.

Wreck-It Ralph (2012)

7.8 -- as voted for by Disney?

[2/10 · 24 June 2013]

In recent years there have been a number of animated movies that manage to appeal to both children and to adult audiences. This isn't one of them.

The morality is questionable. The humor is crude. The plot could have been written on the back of a postage stamp.

The animation is of an excellent standard but it really doesn't matter when it's being used to illustrate characters you don't warm to and a storyline that is as dull as dishwater.

This film had me watching the clock and willing it to end. Had I not been watching it with friends then I would certainly have switched off.

There is no way that this deserves the raves or the 7.8 average. It is a million miles away from Finding Nemo.

Faster (2010)

Has Its Moments

[6/10 · 16 June 2013]

I doubt I'd have watched this film if The Rock hadn't starred in it. I'd never heard of it and was just looking for a film to pass a couple of hours. But there's the irony because, in the event, other than as a selling point, his presence wasn't particularly necessary -- in fact the film would probably have benefited from another actor playing the role of Driver. Dwayne's muscles kind of got in the way of the film's credibility. There are any number of talented actors involved in this project and Dwayne is so much larger than life he sticks out like the proverbial sore thumb.

For a revenge thriller it is stylish and more thoughtful than most but it still exhibits all the usual annoying and unbelievable elements like a trained, professional killer who couldn't hit a target if it was two feet in front of him. The only possible reason being that the film would grind to a halt if he could. Or what about The Rock -- not an easy man to miss at the best of times -- having his face plastered all over the news yet nobody recognizes him or reports him?

For the most part I had to just switch off my brain and go with it but it is never dull and it does definitely have its moments. I've seen a lot worse.

Oz the Great and Powerful (2013)

Oz the Bland and Boring

[3/10 · 15 June 2013]

I expected more from this movie. I got less. It starts off in black and white and then loses all color.

The plot is banal, the performances lackluster and the visuals threaten to overwhelm all. It attempts to be kidult entertainment but fails both audiences.

As a morality tale, it's confused. Oscar's redemption at the end is unconvincing. As for Frank/Finley claiming that friendship was all he'd wanted all along? Yes, friendship with a self-obsessed, womanizing huckster? Ahem! No, what he needed was therapy and to choose his friends more wisely.

The characterizations are one-note, one-dimensional. James Franco is dislikeable. Michelle Williams plays it like a cartoon goodie-goodie in a bad wig. Rachel Weisz and Mila Kunis are two "sisters" who couldn't even be bothered to co-ordinate their vastly differing accents. Just plain lazy.

One of those films where you're a third of the way in and find yourself watching the clock and willing it to end. I didn't enjoy it. I thought it was rubbish. And I DO wish Hollywood would give more thought to decent scripts instead of thinking spectacle is enough. It isn't.

Jack Reacher (2012)

If you haven't read the book -- Enjoy!

[7/10 · 14 June 2013]

I didn't realize I'd already read the book until the film started. I read a lot of crime novels and whilst One Shot had been one of the more memorable ones, Jack Reacher as a character, had obviously not stood out for me and I hadn't retained a picture of him in my mind -- certainly not one that was as inflexible as those on here who have rushed to trash the casting. So TC as JR did not bother me at all.

Time limits meant that the book needed to be condensed. I think they did it well but inevitably some of the detail gets lost and with it a certain amount of suspense. Still it was well made and above average for the genre IMHO.

The main point in reading crime fiction is to solve the mystery and I already knew the solution so it was a pretty pointless exercise watching the film of the book. However, If you are one of the gazillions of people who haven't read the book and aren't bringing their preconceptions to the table I'd say watch it and enjoy. It's better than most of the rubbish Hollywood churns out these days.

Skyfall (2012)

Style over Substance

[4/10 · 7 June 2013]

Film critcs raved that this was a return to form -- a classic Bond film. That wasn't my take on it. Casino Royale beat it by miles IMHO. I found it a disappointment.

The visuals were terrific for the most part but the plot was clichéd and full of holes. I understand that Bond films are by nature fantastical but the longer this film went on the less fantastical and the more dull/ridiculous it became.

Daniel Craig's face looks like an immovable bag of spanners throughout whilst Javier Badem's bad blond dye-job simply does not work -- especially when dressed as a policeman. Who thought that was a good idea??? Where were the Bond babes? Eve didn't cut mustard and the other woman was like blink and you'll miss her. The only scene that sizzled ended up being the homo-erotic interrogation but they didn't have the balls to pursue that strand so instead we got more bunkum like ueber English Judi Dench quoting Tennyson and Albert Finney's Hoots, Mon, there's a moose loose about this hoose Scottish Caretaker.

It just didn't work for me.

The Strangers (2008)

Stupid is as stupid does

[3/10 · 3 June 2013]

Stupid people doing stupid things for no good reason in a stupid film.

Plot: Couple besieged in the middle of the night in an isolated house by masked serial killers. Imagine every stupid thing you would not do in a million years and watch every one of them played out before your very eyes in this pile of ridiculous nonsense.

10 minutes in and I turned to the friend I was watching this with and asked: If it were you, what would you do in that situation? Unsurprisingly, perhaps, we were both of the same mind. Namely, we'd arm ourselves, barricade ourselves in the smallest room in the house and wait til sunrise. Is that what these two twits do? Of course not! Instead, they put themselves in every vulnerable position imaginable and the inevitable happens. Duh! Are we supposed to care? I didn't care. I didn't give a toss. Nobody deserves to die except people this stupid because they only exist in some screenwriter's imagination.

God bless, Liv Tyler. She must've been desperate to appear in this crud.

Hallam Foe (2007)

Funded by Film 4 -- says it all!

[1/10 · 29 April 2013]

The eponymous Hallam is quickly established as a creepy, totally self-obsessed, loser. One who treats everyone with contempt. One who speaks to his father and step-mother in a way that deserves a good slap that never comes. Instead he is indulged for god knows why and consequently I didn't care about him, his dysfunctional family or his boo-hoo poor me plight.

There is nothing wrong with the art direction or the acting. Both are of a higher caliber than one expects from a cheapo Brit movie. No, it's the characters and plot that stink.

A character based drama should have characters you are interested in even if you don't like like them. I wasn't intrigued, I was offended. How long before I switched off? Probably 15 minutes -- the gruesome assignation up in the tree house between step-mother and son was the last straw. Life is too short to suffer tripe like this.

Grabbers (2012)

Begorrah, 'tis a load of old bunkum...

[1/10 · 15 April 2013]

Z-Movie bunkum. Plot of B-Movie transposed to Irish Island. How imaginative -- er, NOT!

Who financed this rubbish? Destined for your local 99p Shop unlikely to repay the investment. In which case, justice prevails.

I got a headache watching this tiresome, dreary load of old rubbish. Charisma-bypass actors. 50p budget.

Drunken Irish stereotypes abound...what a surprise then that alcohol defeats the aliens. Split my sides laughing at that plot twist, I don't think. A comedy without laughs and a horror with none.

Who is writing the positive reviews? Who's payroll are they on? They should be ashamed!

Sinister (I) (2012)

Horrible for all the wrong reasons

[3/10 · 2 April 2013]

I watched this because it rated 6.7. The reviews were glowing. I can only conclude said reviews were faked or written by people who are too easily pleased.

The opening was promising. Intriguing. Stylish. But the style -- with its dimly lit interiors -- becomes simply annoying real fast and the plot degenerates into utter nonsense.

What kind of nutcase moves his wife and two young kids into a home where the gruesome multiple murder of a family occurred? It wasn't necessary. Then when presented with a set of horrific home movies, what kind of person would take days to work their way through them? You'd stay up all night if you had to in search of answers. What kind of dullard doesn't react to the fact that the projector switches on in the middle of the night in a locked room on at least two occasions? Doesn't seem to bother our hero much if at all. And, given the above, why should we have any sympathy with him??? No reason at all.

There's a truly awful reveal scene towards the end where Mum & Dad go on to argue over the wisdom of staying in the house. The dialog feels like it was improvised and the scene shot in one take. Improvised badly that is. It totally exposes what a load of bunkum we are being expected to swallow.

It's not often that I end watching a film feeling angry but this one managed it. Like THAT is what this was all about? That rubbish? I felt utterly conned.