And this, dear friends, is how you end a series. Or rather, it's how you end the day when a series doesn't seem to know it's ending. It's just a regular ol' episode - but a rib-tickling delight. And of course there were still the reunion movies to come...but curiously, steve goes out the way he came in. Not since the second telemovie pilot has an episode felt this "james bond" - an anarchic terrorist steals American missiles and a soviet launcher, forcing steve to go undercover with a Russian agent (who happens to be a blonde sexpot - what were the odds?). But this one works, because there's no 007 smarmy glibness. Steve and andrea (lisa farringer - COFFY, LAUGH-IN) play honeymooning husband and wife in an alpine resort, then hit the wilderness trail. Soon, they're humping and bumping by campfire light...oh stop, episode, you had us at hello. Yes, there's enough hypocritical, nationalistic propaganda to make a team of oxen puke (The poor Russian is an unwitting pawn of her evil, machiavellian superiors!), but the chemistry and charm hit on all cylinders. As if that weren't enough, the evil general is played with oily elan by john colicos (STAR TREK, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA). No finale with steve, Oscar, and rudy...but a two-week detente sex holiday for our cold warriors is consolation enough.
Reviews
184 Reviews
seismic delight
10 August 2016
Warning: Spoilers
(note: this review covers parts 2&1) Iconic, heart-pounding, frightening, silly, and...wonderful. Steve tracks down a missing scientist in the wilderness, and is attacked by...bigfoot (andre the giant - THE PRINCESS BRIDE, MICKI & MAUDE)! But the big fella is simply an automaton, testing steve on behalf of peaceable aliens who are observing Earth. Steve is lured into their mountain outpost, through a wild rotating ice tunnel. Their scientist of bionics (stefanie powers - HART TO HART, HERBIE RIDES AGAIN) gets a fine case of austin crush. They plan to wipe his memories and release him, but Oscar is nearby exploding an underground nuke, to prevent a major California quake. The aliens try to prevent the blast, but steve stops them. Working with sasquatch, he helps save their survivors. His memory is erased, and he'll see them no more ever again...or will he? The greatest bionic fight ever - the stuff of indelible childhood memory. Toss in a quick bionic woman cameo plus no mustache-twirling villains, and it's all too marvelous for words.
once more, with starbucking
20 January 2016
Warning: Spoilers
I'm going to say something i've never said about any creation - there may not be a human alive qualified to review this. Is it awful? Even appalling, in more ways than one could enumerate? Yes. Is it also...wonderful? Maybe. Or maybe it's a just a balm on the wound that was inflicted on all those adoring fans who were too loyal to walk away from this season of hell. Starbuck, the one and only Dirk Benedict, is back. The set-up is actually a (gulp) Dr. Zee origin story. He has a dream in which a warrior is stranded on a barren planet with only the corpses of his enemies for company. He reanimates one of them, and the first cylon-human friendship is born. Seeing his friend's loneliness, Cy (Gary Owens - LAUGH-IN, European VACATION) goes off and returns with a pregnant woman (Judith Chapman - THE FALL GUY, THE SWEETEST THING). A patchwork ship is built, and Starbuck sacrifices his place aboard so that mother and child might survive. Cy sacrifices his own life, to save Starbuck from a cylon patrol. The mother is from another dimension, and the baby Zee is finally found by the fleet, alone. I promise you, if you tendered that script to any fan in 1979, their response would have been incoherent wailing. And yet...it's Dirk Benedict, dear friends. As Starbuck. And some of the scenes with Cy actually come across with depth and resonance. Is it awful? Yes. But we may never see its like again.
LSD-inspired Galactica...
18 January 2016
Warning: Spoilers
Why does whale music play whenever Dr. Zee appears? In the ONLY good space scouts scene ever (due to an incidental MST treatment years later), they watch a screening of THIS ISLAND EARTH. Then they're dispensed of and replaced by cylons, returning this entire two-part episode to the "so silly and wrong it's hysterical" groove. Troy and Dillon go to NY where a ship is about to crash...but it's not colonial, it's a highly advanced cylon craft with a new breed inside - human replicas (during the BSG re-boot years later, one forgets that "human" cylons actually started here - isn't repressed memory a funny thing?). A humanoid and a centurion survive the crash, and set off for a radio station to send a signal back to the Empire. Coincidentally it's Halloween, and a couple (including William Daniels - THE GRADUATE, KNIGHT RIDER) who work at a radio station pick them up, thinking they're in party attire. And it looks like another actor asked for a raise, as there's a new air force colonel on their tail, played by Peter Mark Richman (THREE'S COMPANY, THE NAKED GUN 2 1/2). Stay tuned for part 2, the most LSD-inspired Galactica ever.
cylons attack Earth! (sort of)
14 January 2016
Warning: Spoilers
A (simulated) cylon attack on Earth! Flying motorcycles! Right out of the gate, Robbie Rist (THE BRADY BUNCH, THE BIONIC WOMAN) is so annoying as Dr. Zee, he'll be replaced by the fourth episode. And why didn't PLANET OF THE APES issue an injunction against his name? The classic cast is invoked in recycled credits images, and during some cringe-worthy exposition. We're off to Earth in this three-parter, as Boxey (call me Troy, please) and Dillon make contact with a nuclear physicist (Robert Reed - THE BRADY BUNCH, ROOTS), to goose his research in the right direction. Stow that smirk, Reed's actually spot-on and well-written. If they were hoping to make it all feel more familiar by using guest actors who did classic sci fi turns, it works. Richard Lynch, back from "Gun on Ice Planet Zero", is the ruthless commander Xavier, who goes renegade (and back in time) to help create nazi superweapons. Pamela Susan Shoop (BUCK ROGERS "Vegas in Space", also featuring Lynch), Michael Strong (STAR TREK "What are Little Girls made of?"), and Sharon Acker (STAR TREK "The Mark of Gideon") are also tantalizingly familiar. Our three heroes follow Xavier. Look - an adorable Jewish moppet running from a boxcar! They talk about a temporal prime directive...then say screw it.
Is jumping two sharks even possible?
14 January 2016
Warning: Spoilers
It's tempting to make a joke about a shark-jumped franchise clearing a second shark, but i don't want to overstate the watchability of the first three episodes. This two-part affront to plausibility, however, may be where your clearest memories of the show's awfulness reside - in the image of Galactica children posing as boy scouts, while being able to leap twenty feet because of planet-side gravity differential. It all actually starts rather excitingly, with a cylon attack on a stray fleet ship (a sequence, however, that begs the question of where the line is between stock footage and clip show). Troy and Dillon manage to rescue twelve kids, but they can't make it back to the fleet, so they land on Earth and three of them get sick from polluted water, so they take on a chemical plant in an environmental crusade. Along the way, they're chased by two motorcycle CHiPies (including an uncredited James Daughton - ANIMAL HOUSE, SPIES LIKE US). Dr. Zee is now played by Patrick Stuart (EXIT TO EDEN, ANDY RICHTER CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE), who gets to use his own voice but quickly proves that the problem wasn't the actor. We've got a fumbling sheriff, a conscienceless colonel, and a slimy industrialist (Mike Kellin - THE WACKIEST SHIP IN THE ARMY, THE JAZZ SINGER) who has an "it's a wonderful life" moment with Adama inside a UFO, and actually shows delightful comedic chops. The more ominous the moment, the greater you may laugh - that has to count for something, right?
Space princess helen hunt!
15 December 2014
Warning: Spoilers
Wheee! For those of us thought the pariott era would fade away with a whimper, strap yourselves in for a ride...with a space princess! Hmm...let me guess. 1978? Yup. I think even the waltons had a couple alien visitations that year. Here, the aforementioned princess stows away on a plummeting satellite, fleeing from pursuers. Jaime gives her sanctuary, and pretty soon the aforementioned alien pursuers arrive (wearing turtlenecks and blazers, and why not?). What amps up the delight on this silly charmer is fifteen year-old helen hunt (SWISS FAMILY ROBINSON, TRANCERS 1-3). Her performance is rather flat...but that may have been an acting choice, as it works fine. Curiously, jaime is reluctant to believe her guest is an alien. Curious, because this is the third time (and third time in four episodes...aah, you crazy post-STAR WARS networks) that jaime's faced aliens.
cyborg meets non-technological superhuman
9 December 2014
Warning: Spoilers
Jaime teams up with a tibetan-trained doctor (granville van dusen - SOAP, HILL STREET BLUES) who can manipulate his body functions, for a mission behind the Iron Curtain. He simulates death, wards off freezing and drowning, and negates the effects of a grievous wound. This was lindsay's most beloved episode, because it's about untapped human potential (in a show based on a technologically-enhanced superhuman). Decades later, we're not much further along in understanding the potentialities or limits of biofeedback (or neurofeedback, as it's been "palatably" renamed), but the medical establishment seems to be taking it more seriously. This episode is a charmer...yes, there's an unintentionally silly aspect as we hear granville's inner "shanti, omm" monologue...you may be a bit dumbfounded by how unabashedly the writers ran with the concept...but all the best elements of the show are firmly in place.
machine-woman vs. human computer
9 December 2014
Warning: Spoilers
Written and directed by series creator kenny johnson, this two-parter is arguably the pinnacle of the series. Alone at an enormous desert complex, jaime takes on a supercomputer which has been programmed by its dying creator (lew ayres - ALL QUEST ON THE WESTERN FRONT, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA) to destroy humanity unless all nations pledge to never detonate a nuclear weapon again. When a disbelieving third world country detonates a test bomb, the countdown to Armageddon is begun. Jaime battles against waves of defenses, trying to reason with the computer while descending toward its core. The casting of lew was a brilliant coup - as the star of the DR. KILDARE series, he had registered as a conscientious objector when drafted for WWII. The country was outraged and his career disappeared, until an Oscar nomination in 1948. An opportunity to play dr. kildare again died, when the network refused to honor his request for no cigarette sponsorship. His turn here as the ultimate person of peace is perfect. With no one to play against except a disembodied voice, lindsay turns in a performance a million miles beyond good. The dramatic twists and turns are searing.
We make fembots the old-fashioned way...
4 December 2014
Warning: Spoilers
Fembots. Fembots! FEMBOTS!!! This three-part paean to misogyny (the second of which is on 6MDM) might be consigned to the scrap heap, but for one tiny nugget of improbable casting. The spurned doctor-who-plans-revenge- on-Oscar-while-scheming-to-conquer-the-world-with-evil-female-robots? Boys and girls, that would be one john houseman (THE PAPER CHASE, THE NAKED GUN). Mr. Smith freakin' Julliard Barney himself. So yes, keep any actual boys and girls away from this one, but the chilling image of a powerful, beautiful woman with her face removed to reveal wires and circuits is a fright that will never be erased. Jaime and steve storm an island lair, Oscar leaves taped instructions to have him killed...brilliant. Now, mr. johnson, i'd like to discuss my trust issues with women.
Phew! Anybody winded?
3 December 2014
Warning: Spoilers
Wheeee! Okay, andre the giant couldn't make this go-around, but ted cassidy (THE ADDAMS FAMILY, BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID) is a fine fill-in, and there's plenty of austin/sommers bionic magic. Plus juicy guest star aliens! A two-parter that starts on SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN, steve becomes a suspect in some bionic-appearing robberies. Beset by civil war, the aliens restore his memories in order to secure his help. But he acquires radiation sickness, and jaime must step in to take on Bigfoot, who is a pawn of the conquest-bent aliens. The aliens are played by Stefanie Powers (THE GIRL FROM U.N.C.L.E., HART TO HART), John Saxon (MITCHELL, THE ELECTRIC HORSEMAN), and Sandy Duncan (ROOTS, VALERIE).
An action/comedy extravaganza!
3 December 2014
Warning: Spoilers
I'm twitching a little, trying to collect my thoughts. Is this a fair way to treat a sexually-repressed culture? Am i NOT supposed to notice normally-hidden feminine charms, and pretend that my eyes aren't falling out?? Okay, let me back up. Breathe. On its own merits, this episode makes any best-of list, as it's a bit of a ballyhoo for ms. wagner's talents. She plays jaime, plus a criminal who's been surgically-altered to look like her. Said criminal is a chain-smoking southern belle. With infiltration and counter-infiltration, prepare yourself for mistaken identities worthy of french bedroom farce. Plus herb jefferson (BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, STAR TREK: OF GODS AND MEN) as a suave bahamian who crates jaime and dumps her in the Caribbean. And...i suppose the stage was set with marlo thomas in THAT GIRL, who damn well wasn't going to wear a bra if she didn't damn well feel like it. You can see the occasional resonance of that throughout this series, but this'n might unhinge your non-bionic jaw.
Not the queasefest you expect!
1 December 2014
Warning: Spoilers
It seems that a beauty pageant episode was an obligatory (and regressively queasy) rite of passage for all action heroines in the 70s. But unlike wonder woman's moment in the slime (which was inarguably that show's nadir), the writers here found a way to make jaime's pageant purgatory palatable. Heck, even silly and standout. It starts with jaime's revulsion at the mere thought, and ends with making the pageant bigwigs the baddies, in some computer circuit caper. And somewhere in between, bert parks (THE FRESHMAN, NIGHT OF 100 STARS II) renders one of the most campily silly fight scenes in the history of Hollywood. You'll hit the rewind button several times to see his facial expressions in slow motion. Gary crosby (OPERATION BIKINI, ADAM-12) hits all the right notes too.
Angels save semi-naked men!
16 June 2013
Warning: Spoilers
Angels, meet beefcake! Beefcake, meet Angel toe! It's long past due that half-naked males get some screen time here. Angels investigate shady doings at a bodybuilding contest. Another episode written by some grade school contest winner - much of the slick detective work seems to consist of breaking and entering in busy buildings in broad daylight...but deny this fun we cannot. And yes, Tanya gives a country full of sex-starved males the most heart-stopping glimpses of girly bits ill-concealed by wardrobe since Farrah and her national treasure chest. One star lost for Kris' convincing an ex-boxer pacifist that he's a sissy.
Broadway revue or ANGELS?
16 June 2013
Warning: Spoilers
A little slice of fun. As disappearances shroud a show preparing for a Vegas audition, Kelly joins the line. She's just as good as she needs to be, and the production numbers are charming enough to make you forget a few plot holes and uninspired moments. Why does the cast look like they're having more fun than any time since Hawaii? Perhaps it's the director...Mr. David Doyle, the only cast member to ever helm an episode. This one also qualifies as the second-most surreal episode ever (after that Bill Bixby LSD trip in season 1, of course). Why? Because they finish the big finale, then for no apparent reason...do it again! After a minute of questioning your sanity, you'll figure out that they probably came up a few minutes short in the editing room. Wild.
Tanya vs. Victor Newman!
16 June 2013
Warning: Spoilers
It was a fine line the show walked, between silly and stupid. Often, the difference lay in the luck of chemistry. As Angels investigate high-level deaths in a rising corporation, Julie goes undercover for a company that's been feeding them efficiency experts...only to be hypnotized into becoming their newest assassin! The always deliciously-evil Eric Braeden (THE RAT PATROL, TITANIC) plays her tormentor, Dr. Joyce Brothers has a cameo, and sci fi luminary BarBara Luna plays a hypnosis victim. In Tanya's most shining ANGEL moment, framed within a plot that THE NAKED GUN would be happy to borrow from eight years later, the chemistry is good to her.
A grizzly episode
16 June 2013
Warning: Spoilers
Angels and Oscar Goldman versus Grizzly Adams! Sadly, the reality falls far short. It's undercover lifeguard time, to stop a series of dune buggy attacks/kidnappings, including the obligatory senator's daughter. Either the writer was a full-blown alcoholic passing out of the "functional" stage, or his child finished the writing while Daddy was passed out. Dan Haggerty and Richard Anderson are wasted on a script that has Hell's Angels types dressing and acting more like Brady kids. Patrick (son of John) Wayne is here too. The only thing worth notice is the lifeguard trial. Who'd have thought that Kel would kick Kris and Julie's asses?
Humdinger in paradise!
16 June 2013
Warning: Spoilers
Fears of a lame duck final season, begone! The Angels help the police I.D. and apprehend a terrorist assassin, whom they must suss out from amidst a package tour of...resort singles! Yes, absolutely yes. The writing is sharp enough that, even with the unfair advantage of knowing that the killer must be among the recognizable guest stars, most audience members will be chasing red herrings. And oh, what herrings! How about Lyle Waggoner (THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW, WONDER WOMAN) frolicking in the surf one day, then found floating tits up in it the next? Or Randolph Mantooth (EMERGENCY!) as a reclusive doctor? Toss in Barbi Benton (DEATHSTALKER) as the resort entertainment director, and Keye Luke, whose KUNG FU experience doesn't help him escape a hand-to-hand beatdown from Kel! Plus Carol Lynley (THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, eleven FANTASY ISLANDs), cracking an all-boys club with charm and grace. The ride goes on and on. If you're not careful, your laughter will too.
Hillbilly Angels
16 June 2013
Warning: Spoilers
Undercover Angels with hillbilly accents? Check. Feudin' families with rival children secretly in love? Check. The greatest single non-verbal windup to a line of dialogue in television history, courtesy of actor Steve Hanks in his first scene? Check. However...are we happy we've left Hawaii? Sigh. We are not. Mid-season report on Tanya: they're giving her more to do than her predecessor...but we're not sure yet whether that's a good thing. In terms of eye candy, it's nice that she has a bit more muscle tone than any previous Angel. It's long overdue, considering that "detective" is an ostensibly physical profession. The Tammy Faye makeup doesn't help, however.
Tanya Roberts' debut(!)
16 June 2013
Warning: Spoilers
For this two-part debut of Angel Julie Rogers (Tanya Roberts - THE BEASTMASTER, A VIEW TO A KILL), the writing is solidly middling. But the episode is elevated by the genuinely creepy performance of coke-bottle eyeglassed Jack Albertson (CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY, CHICO AND THE MAN). Plus Christopher Lee! It's also in the running for the most "that guy"-heavy ANGEL episode ever. Shelley Hack's departure is given about one line (they might as well have just said "Yeahhhh...she's gotta go see a guy, about a...thing"). Tanya's backstory has juice - a fashion model raised on the mean streets. Whether we're ready to buy it, is another story. But anyway, the times they are a-changin'...at least a bit. Remember that "once upon a time there were three little girls" intro? The puke-inducingly patronizing one? In this final season, it's gone! Kind of. It's now "three beautiful girls". I'm sure the producers felt very progressive. Now if they had just stopped calling women "girls"...
Marisa Berenson, Shel Silverstein, and Coolio?
23 February 2013
Warning: Spoilers
Dancing Russian pigs, a wig race in 1978 that somehow features Coolio's locks, and a "wedding sketch" between Kermit and Piggy that everyone but he knows is real...plus a guest star who might make you say "who?". But Marisa Berenson is a perfect part of this wonderful tapestry. She does a rendition of "You're Always Welcome at Our House" that blows your doors off, mostly because it seems far too demented for children. It's doubtful that this song (by Shel Silverstein) would ever make the airwaves today on a kid's show. But that was part of the genius of the Muppets...an ever-so-faint acknowledgment that we live in a world of dysfunctional perversity, which it does no one any good to hide from. Marisa, dressed as a little girl, sweetly sings of all the ways she kills and stores houseguests. There is an achingly subtle sexuality going on, as her legs are naked, and her dress a bit high. She also gives a look into the camera that's disturbing, in just the right way. Amazing. At the end, will Kermit say "I do"? The final shot, of Statler and Waldorf throwing him out of their box, answers that question.
I just want to talk.
10 January 2013
Warning: Spoilers
The tempest of C.J.'s life is winding down...or is it, as Santos offers her a job in the new administration? Does she want to slow down? Does she have any idea how? She keeps on saying and doing the wrong thing with Danny. He's patient and understanding, and their story arc becomes the most compelling part of the series' end. The producers could have done more with Charlie & Zoey, or Jed & Abbey, or Will & Kate, or Santos & Josh & Sam, or Toby's trial(s), or Annabeth & Charlie (sorry, my mind wandered there). Any of those might have been fascinating, but i daresay none would have topped C & C. Janney and Busfield can do no wrong. C.J. also has a scene with Toby that almost redeems the crappy season he's had. And she's offered the chance by a charismatic tycoon (Xander Berkeley - POISON IVY II, 24) to take ten billion dollars and fix the world. Brilliant dialogue, in the final episode written by Deborah Cahn.
Alda's finest West Wing
10 January 2013
Warning: Spoilers
When Alan Alda signed on to be a regular cast member of the greatest television show since M*A*S*H, this is the episode of which he dreamed. A towering portrayal of a man who goes from a hair's breath away from the presidency, to nobody. Arnie shuffles around his office, trying to convince his remaining staff (Richardson and Root) that he can win the next presidential election. At a coffee shop, the barista calls him Ernie. And then...thinking he's been called in for a belittling photo op, he is stunned to find the president-elect offering him secretary of state. He struggles with his place in history, and refusing to be a political pawn. Wonderful stuff. Plus a little Butterfield, trying to cope with the incoming first family's wish to have Helen and the kids remain in Texas? As if that's not enough, how about the WW directorial debut of Tim Matheson?
Seaborn! Seaborn! SEABORN!!!
9 January 2013
Warning: Spoilers
Hold on to your housefrock. He's back. He's back. He's really, really back. Mr. S. Norman Seaborn (Sam, to the uninitiated, also sometimes known as Rob Lowe - YOUNGBLOOD, THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME). He's actually back. Wheeeeeeee! Josh travels to L.A., to walk in on lawyer Sam in a deja vu scene. He offers him deputy chief of staff. But Josh is unraveling in manic anxiety (and self-destructing his romance with Donna). Helen asks Donna to be her chief of staff. Sam shows up in D.C. and agrees to take the job, on the condition that Josh immediately take a week off on a beach somewhere. Josh finally agrees...and asks Donna to go with him. She agrees. Beautiful.
Requiem - John Spencer
9 January 2013
Warning: Spoilers
Leo's funeral. How many stars of enormously successful shows died during the run, requiring their death be written into the storyline? John Spencer joins Michael Conrad of HILL STREET BLUES, Phil Hartman of NEWSRADIO, and CHEERS' Nicholas Colasanto. His death is handled as movingly and seamlessly as any of them. The list of recurring characters who appear at the funeral is so huge, it's easier to mention the handful who don't appear. No Seaborn, no Marbury, no Butterfield, no Tribby or Babish...and no Mandy (don't scoff, it would have been a beautiful touch). But that's about it. The actor turnout is also a beautiful tribute to the show itself, as the final season winds down. Back at the White House, a more intimate gathering is held. The spillover between fiction and reality lends great poignance. C.J. and Danny again flounder romantically, as Josh and Donna do the same (we're just one or two steps removed from a bedroom farce, really). Any time Busfield and Janney share a scene, the four-star meter goes off the scale.
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