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thelastcritic
Reviews
Valentine's Day (2010)
All Dressed Up With No Place To Go
I have been told that Julia Roberts appears in only six minutes of "Valentine's Day". I didn't count, but that sounds about right. I have also been told that she was paid three million dollars for those six minutes, meaning that she made five-hundred thousand dollars for every minute she was on-screen. That kinda reflects the whole problem with this film. It puts a whole lot of "stuff" into it and yet doesn't get much back. Let's start with the cast. The poster advertises nineteen stars, most of whom could be considered A-list talents (Oscar winners, box-office darlings, a cute country crooner, etc.). They are packed like sardines into a film that runs just over two hours, and most of them (like the aforementioned Roberts) are used in roles that are little more than cameos. Only Ashton Kutcher and Jennifer Garner manage to become full-fledged leads, and their syrupy sweet story is easily the film's best; everything else feels like one, big, unnecessary distraction. Sure, it's nice to Anne Hathaway in a film but, if you have absolutely nothing for her to do, then why waste her time...and, for that matter, ours? I have a suspicion that we will see more films like "Valentine's Day"; all they require is a big-name cast and some semblance of a screenplay. It helps, of course, if that screenplay is actually only a series of other ideas that have been snipped down to under ten minutes and then glued together with the faintest traces of connectivity.
Please read my full review on my blog: www.thelastcritic.blogspot.com
Shutter Island (2010)
Sanity Is Subjective
There is a feeling that permeates every frame of "Shutter Island", a feeling of discomfort and uneasiness - a feeling that suggests, at any moment, we are going to slip comfortably into insanity. That is a feeling that Martin Scorsese effortlessly wields, crafting a world that is not unlike our own and yet is so thoroughly cinematic, it can only be described as masterfully haunting. Clocking in at over two hours, this splendid film draws us into a world and story that are so compelling and fascinating, it is often easy to forget where the theater stops and the asylum begins. It would not be a stretch to say that the current state of mainstream horror is rather unfortunate; it feels as though we have not seen an original story or, at the very least, a truly innovative approach to an old story in ages. It is not surprising, then, that Martin Scorsese would be the one to remind us that horror, when done right, is not the type of genre that must be automatically forbidden to the back of the closet with PG-13 ghost stories and dull remakes. While most other horror films are thoroughly innocuous and inexplicably safe, "Shutter Island" is reminiscent of more old-fashioned fare, the type of film that is unafraid to be divisive and risky. After all, in cinema, without risk, there is nothing at all.
Please read my full review on my blog: www.thelastcritic.blogspot.com
They (2002)
Tales From The Horror Genre #2
It seems fitting to review a film like "They" so soon after reviewing a film like "The Covenant". Both are PG-13 horror films. Both are about as dumb as rocks. But, unlike "The Covenant", "They" never realizes just how dumb it truly is. Rather, it tries to convince us that it is the scariest film of all-time, but it would be lucky to even be called the scariest film of the day. Packed with uninspired "boo" scares and lots of things that go bump in the night, this film seems to be running on empty right from the starting line, offering only a mish-mash of themes, scenes, and ideas that have been done before and done better by earlier films. I learned from the IMDb that, though only one screenwriter is credited (Brendan Hood), all of his ideas were thrown out by the studio and no less than ten writers assembled the dodgy script that was then turned into this film. It's funny, but not surprising that none of them could come up with a good idea and yet it was Hood who was unwillingly thrown under the bus. Come on, guys. Give credit where credit is due; that way we, at least, know who to blame when the outcome is as bad as "They".
Please read my full review on my blog: www.thelastcritic.blogspot.com
The Covenant (2006)
Tales From The Horror Genre #1
"The Covenant" is the most basic of films, essentially resting much of its effectiveness on the audience's desire to ogle at its stars. Fortunately, the cast is straight out of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue, and the screenplay gives them plenty of opportunities to disrobe, get wet, and strut around. The story plays second fiddle to the finely-tuned abs and strategically-hidden breasts of its cast, but that isn't necessarily a problem since the story is rather uninspired. In fact, one might say that "The Covenant" is all style and no substance; they would, certainly, be right. Ultimately, however, the same could be said for a Big Mac and fries, but that doesn't change the fact that, every once in a while, a few empty calories are pretty darn satisfying. Director Renny Harlin understands this simple fact and, though the film does take itself too seriously sometimes, he injects it with a sharp visual style that is aesthetically beautiful and tonally sinister. It might be the junk that most people have claimed it to be, but it is polished, attractive, and fun junk. That, my friends, makes all the difference. Is it a bad film? According to some people's criteria, it probably is. But, that just doesn't seem accurate to me; after all, on many levels, I actually enjoyed it, guilty as I might feel for it.
Please read my full review on my blog: www.thelastcritic.blogspot.com