alvink Reviews

The Slugger's Wife (1985)

very VERY disappointing

[2/10 · 5 July 2006]

i give a two because it is not as bad as 'sub down', or 'terror in tiny town', but gee whiz, it ain't good.

i saw the names 'simon and ashby' and i paused it to run out for some popcorn and lights, certain i was in for a treat.

i mean, ashby, who directed 'harold and maude'??? and what about simon, who wrote the incomparable 'Murder By Death'????? what a join-up, no???? but, nooooo, 'twas not to be.

this is an embarrassing movie to watch. not only are the baseball scenes painful (i mean, c'mon, a 185 pound 62 run slugger???), but believe me-- i have been a pro musician since '75--- ms. demornay's 'singing and dancing' scenes really and truly amateurishly bad--- i'm saying that this is a really really bad production!!!!!!!! in the story, she is supposed to possess a spark, an ability to perform that should be fanned to flame. believe me, all of her songs are producer-driven crap, no spark of genius in nary a one.

such a great collection of talent (did you know that mr. ritt directed both 'Hud', and 'Hombre'?) but this is a very badly put together piece of garbage.

i'm not really criticizing-- after all, everybody can have a bad day. hey, beethoven wrote 'Wellington's Victory March', one of the worst pieces in the classical literature.

but this is an example of ashby's/simon's worst day. it's really, really awful.

Jarrett (1973 TV Movie)

middle-aged star dooms picture?

[4/10 · 17 September 2005]

it was suggested in the trivia section that this pilot movie was doomed to failure because of the casting of a middle-aged Glen Ford, rather than a younger and sexier stud-muffin. well, i don't think sooooo.

possible spoiler: there is only one plot device used- that of the ole' switch-the-real-art-work-with-a-clever-forgery routine. normally, i wouldn't consider the last statement a possible spoiler, but since there was only one device used, maybe it qualified.

the final big mass fight scene was as ridiculous as the fights in the old batman series- pushing, shoving, pulling back before the punch lands, but the worst (or the best i suppose) is when the claw-handed guy (yes, there is even one of these) takes a swing at mr. ford, who blocks it with, yes johnny, it's an electric toaster!! as claw-man spazzes on the ground, ford starts to run off, but wheels back and says, 'i hope you like your claw crispy'.

no, it wasn't the leading man's age that doomed this turkey.

anthony quayle was kind of fun, though.

The Magical World of Disney: The Mooncussers: Graveyard of Ships (1962) Season 9, Episode 10

great family adventure movie

[9/10 · 29 August 2005]

i do not know how you could possibly find a copy of this movie, but let me say this. this is one GREAT actioner, and 'g' rated to boot.

this movie can be fun for the whole family, especially if the family includes youngsters who are not terminally burned-out yet by mtv and Michaella jordan sneakers, but perhaps do know about 'huckleberry finn', or the great battles in 1st and 2nd kings.

the basic plot device, the movable 'lighthouse' is ingenious enough for a whole television series, much less a single movie. the action is great, the suspense is palpable.

it's just sooo much better than the whole 'die hard, lethal weapon, rambo, segal' type of thing.

this is a great family movie. the action in 'The Mooncussers' buckles any swash that views it.

so, nuke the popcorn, pour the colas, and cheese down the nachos, because this one gets Two Thumbs Up.

Silverado (1985)

perhaps the second worst ever

[1/10 · 4 July 2005]

i admire much of the kasdans' work, but this one works only on a very superficial level. another reviewer said that this is a western that is only for those who are not serious western watchers. i agree.

many westerns have 'exagerations', or some moments of 'truth stretching', but this movie has 'em all beat for silliness. i mean, j. Wayne shoots 14 times with a 6 shooter in 'sons of Katie', and l. van cleef has a magic gun in 'few dollars more', one whose accuracy wasn't affected by the fact that black powder residue clogged the rifling on pre 1910 weapons after a few shots. but in silverado, this 'truth stretching' goes to the 'Outer Limits'.

in one scene, glover is on a roof mowing down bad guys with his rifle, and Kline, on the ground 75 yards away and perceiving an important secondary threat, gets glover's attention by shooting, from 75 yards away, the side plate of glover's rifle with a pistol shot. riiight. but then what does Danny do? he smiles a thank you, receives his instructions from some wig-wag gestures, and then proceeds to mow down more bad guys WITH THE SAME RIFLE!!! this a scene worthy of the 2nd stupidest western ever made.

then there is Mr. Kline as Paden. i have enjoyed his work in the past- Fishy Wanda, Big Chill, Soapdish, etc. but his attempts at the spaghetti-western-Eastwood-wallach-type-stare are just plain embarrassing. he doesn't have a clue about the tiny little eye-muscle tics needed for an essential Super-Western eye-to-eye encounter.

it's like travolta talking to devito in 'get shorty'. "look at me, martin". "i am looking at you". "are you trying to tell me that you are sleepy??" if the kasdans' had tried to make something original out of this, maybe this would have been as good as their other stuff, but they apparently tried to do a spaghetti western copy, and they did not get The Joke well enough to retell it successfully.

this is a movie to own so that we can put something on for the in-laws on thanksgiving. you know, this is a western for those who do not know the western genre very well.

the cinematography IS awesome, and that is what will rivet the in-laws and other losers, but true western lovers will not be satisfied by this 'top gun' styled rip-off.

"it couda ben a contender", but it's a joke, it's a caricature, no more.

Hercules Returns (1993)

i liked oederkirk's work...

[10/10 · 14 May 2005]

i liked steve oederkirk's farcical 'kung pao: enter the fist', and for anyone else who liked that movie, CHECK THIS ONE OUT ;-) .

it's sort of the same working premise- take a ridiculous old 'b' movie and interject a new plot, new dialog, and new sound effects.

the result here (after the first ten minutes of boring, but needed 'setting of the stage') is a light-hearted, fast moving romp which includes every smart-**s remark i ever wanted to make. for example: enemy, "i'm going to chew you up and spit you out, ya little turd!!" hercules, "well, if that's any indication of your dietary habits, it certainly explains your breath." if you like a good farce, check this one out, if for nothing else, to laugh about how hercules sounds like, but pre-dates, 'butthead'. have fun

Dating the Enemy (1996)

watch it once, at least

[10/10 · 19 March 2005]

i always check this movie out when it comes around on the cable. it's not a great movie, but it has some great, great acting in it- i.e, guy pierce and claudia karvan taking on opposite-sex roles, and just ¡¡STYLIN'!!

they could have gone 'over the top', prancing and mincing about, just looking for laughs, but no! they show that they are Observant Actors, perfecting their craft as they go.

the big sex jokes are the big sex jokes, and hooray for them: guy/claudia getting 'her' first period, clau/guy getting 'his' first bj, yeah, yeah, yeah, but those are just the tip of the iceberg. the real fun begins while watching them in every-day-type situations.

the scene of them sitting together on the couch is what i'm talking about here. their body language is subtly perfect- guy/her is completely to the inside, knees together, all hand gestures toward herself, sitting straight, while claudia/him is completely male-expansive as a 'male' in her/his actions.

the Movie is medium, to be sure, but the Acting of the two principals is worth the price of the rental, if not the ownership.

if you're not a 'touch of evil/citizen kane' type movie snob, and you'd like to see two young actors really doing great stuff, try this one out. guy and claudia are really superb in this one.

Meeting Venus (1991)

mama, don't let your sons grow up to be musicians

[9/10 · 28 February 2005]

this movie, besides giving the casual viewer a glimpse into the operatic world, also affords the viewer a casual glimpse into the world and the business, of music making, and it ain't pretty. but it's accurate.

as a professional musician in an international setting for more than 25 years, let me assure you that the evils of the music business are all here on display, and they are represented accurately: complaining musicians, managers for whom the word 'know' was replaced by the word 'no' at an early age (perhaps in their infancy), smarmy interfering union reps, and please God, save us all from short conductors with bleeping inferiority complexes.

and then there are the operatic singers. oh my!! (dr. georg szell called opera singers, " 'unmusical beasts', who have to have every note beaten into them by a vocal coach". this is true, by my experience).

the only really weak moment that i noticed was when the conductor left the podium during a rehearsal to knock on the door of the singer. this is absolutely improbable/impossible in my experience. conductors get their 'power' by being on the podium. they do not leave the podium

orchestra conducters get/force sex by more sordid means, not by leaving the podium.

this movie has a lot to recommend it, on many different levels- check it out.

i give it a 9.2.

watch it in a 'Robert Altman' frame of mind, i think that you will see what i mean.

it's not 'terror in tiny town'. and it's not, 'the godfather, part one'. it's somewhere in between. it's really a fine movie.

thanks. alvink

Toughlove (1985 TV Movie)

two ways to view it

[6 August 2004]

as a TV-type movie, this one is not bad at all. it is without a doubt OK late night autumn-rainy weekend fare that you don't have to feel ashamed about after watching it. no particularly memorable technical stuff, but nothing too irritating, either. bruce is bruce, and he's enough in this case.

that's one way to look at this movie.

the other way to look at it is to admit this movie into the small but growing number of movies that try to address and educate about the growing world-wide problem of addiction.

taking it as such, and comparing it with others of this ilk, 'days of wine and roses', 'the earl manigault story', and 'family secrets- the suzanne somers story', this movie scores high, and deserves, yes, begs to be seen.

i'm trying to say that this movie is acceptable fare on a rainy autumn evening for anyone except the most fanatical purists. (hey, citizen kane, it ain't, and never wanted to be)

but if you have any questions at all about addictions of any type, this is a movie that you should see. it won't pretend to solve your problems, and it will give you good things to think about.

alvin

Aftermath (2002)

one really great line

[3/10 · 13 April 2004]

this movie for me contains one really great line.

when ms. young says, 'when i joined the bureau, things were either black or white', and her companion says, 'things are the same as they always were, you're just seeing them differently, and this is a good thing'. now that's a nice line.

there are other nice moments, but overall, this is not a good movie. the situations feel contrived, the camera work failed to call my attention, and i am sure that they were one continuity assistent shy of a full crew.

ms. young's smile is truly interesting, but that's not enough to carry a whole movie.

3 of 10, only for the occasional snippet of interesting dialogue.

Beethoven: Violin Concerto in D, Op. 61 (1985 TV Special)

no spoilers, i promise.

[9/10 · 1 April 2004]

i promise not to give away the end of this movie! ;-)-

in the performing arts (theater, sports, music), there is always the question of today vrs. yesterday, of tomorrow vrs. yesteryear.

(are the actors of today in 'cat on a hot tin roof' up to the standards of paul newman or tommie lee jones? or are they better?? shaq vrs. wilt? eric dickerson vrs. jim brown? eddie van halen vrs. chuck berry)

perlman is of the old school, and he is at his mature best in this recording. this alone qualifies this as an historical document, and it is worth it, believe me. this guy brings a mature vision to this piece, and it's wonderful.

new versions of this marvelous work await us, but as far as they could go, they really played great.

the sound is ok, the orchestra is fine, but the star of this one is perlman, and his bringing to a culmination all the old ideas. he plays with all the great ideas of tradition. he also plays with all the outdated ideas of vibrato that still exsist on this planet.

we should check this recording out. we should admire it, and appreciate it. we must not venerate it, because it should be, and will be , surpassed. but it is really really good for what it is.

BachelorMan (2003)

moose poop

[8 March 2004]

i like comedies. i like all types of comedies that are funny. i like comedies from 'w.c. fields in 'the dentist' (1920's) to 'kung pow' (2000's). that's 80 years of comedies that i like, give or take a few.

mclintock, catch 22, sabrina (both), topper, my man godfrey, freebie and the bean, hey, even planet 9 from outer space, i enjoy a good laugh.

but here i quote robert wuhl in 'good morning, vietnam', "what is the appeal of joey bishop? i mean, i know funny, and this guy is not funny!"

this movie is like the old 'joey bishop show'. it might be interesting, even entertaining, but it is not funny.

the people involved with the making of this movie tried to present it as a funny movie, and it's not very funny. it's like they were trying to present us with up-dated versions of lenny bruce (it's sh**, sh**, sh**), and richard pryor (hey, mother f**** n****, roflol that he said mother f***** n*****, right? ain't that a hoot???)

how this movie works at all is that the people involved with the making of it have some insights into the human condition, and they have some humorous ways of presenting these insights at times. the movie rings true on some of these levels, sometimes. but it should have been made as a drama, a musical without music, a documentary, an animated featurette, anything but a comedy, because it's just not funny.

the makers of this movie are not clueless, except when it comes to being funny.

to paraphrase mr. wuhl, 'i know funny, and these people are not it'. i just watched this movie. i had one really great spontaneous laugh from it. this is good, comedy is good. one laugh per movie is a little low on the laugh-o-meter scale.

i hope that everybody enjoys every movie that they see. it's just that this ain't likely to be one of them. it's not very good.

Retreads (1988)

maybe not very good, depending on your preference

[2/10 · 23 January 2004]

let's see, a motorcycle gang with irish accents, tries to defuse a nuclear weapon sort of difficulty movie. (duh)

the weapons expert in this so-called movie declares that 'if this detonater goes off, it will destroy everything in a 50 mile radius' gee, that's a heck of a detonator, don't ya think? why bother with a bomb, if the mere detonaters take out a 50 mile radius?

this is a ridiculous movie, really not worth watching.

Bad Bizness (2003 Video)

stultifying

[2/10 · 5 September 2003]

the only reason i didn't give this a 1 is that i am a single male, and the breasts were ubiquitous. but this movie is not bad enough to be good. it's not breasty enough to be watched twice, either. bad, bad, bad. ridiculous acting, no continuity, the music seemed to be random selection, nothing to do with the scene, camera work/shot selection seemed to be made by space-o, the wonder chimp. i guess being in a studio with beautiful half-naked women doesn't inspire artistic judgement. bad. not good.

Crossroads (1986)

what great guitar and harp

[9/10 · 3 September 2003]

in a magazine interview, steve vai was asked what was his most amazing musical experience. he replied that on the set of 'crossroads', ry cooder began stomping a foot, and laying down a riff 'that was like moses laying down the ten commandments'. obviously, their collaboration deserves a checking out, guitar freaks.

this is an update on s. v. benet's short story, 'the devil and daniel webster', which is itself an update of a 17th century (or earlier)story. not so obvious, being found in the midst of the guitar pyrotechnics, is the core of the story, which is the 'advocate' trying to meet the devil's representative on his on turf, not doing so well, but then saving the day when he returns to his own roots. an interesting remake, indeed.

added attraction for all blues lovers- that's sonny terry on the harmonica. look up his albums, or his work with brownie mcghee. you'll love'em.

Sub Down (1997 TV Movie)

plan 9 from outer space

[1/10 · 3 August 2003]

oh my goodness. i don't review movies that haven't watched, and i watched this one. having watched it, i asked myself 'why?'.

two reasons:

one, gabrielle anwar is extremely attractive, and i hope that her participation in this 'ed wood special' does not harm her career, because i would like to keep seeing her (sort of like a betty grable pin-up, a farrah fawcet poster, she is indeed an attractive human).

two, it is as bad (or as good, if you like) as ed wood's movies. (for you young'uns, ed wood made a string of amazingly ludicrous sci-fi movies in the old days) this movie just barely qualifies on this level. i mean, they use credibility as a bungee cord, as something to be streeeetched to try to save the poor writing/poor budget/lack of imagination/poor acting.

but above all, (since there is nothing else to take as important in this film) baldwin has the worst haircut in the history of film, one which he has used in at least one other film. ¡hello! ¡goodbye!

catch it cable, don't pay to rent- my goodness, it's worthless. 'plan 9 from outer space' does it better, and is equally *realistic*. but it's true, ms. anwar is indeed prettier than 'Vampira'.

alvink, xalapa, veracruz, mexico

Militia (2000)

oh my goodness,

[1/10 · 25 July 2003]

i love really 'good' bad movies (silverado, wayne's world 2, and terror in tiny town, amongst them), and this one isn't bad enough to be nominated. it is not a worthless effort, it's just not a good one, in any way that i noticed.

i apologize. i said that it isn't awful. but it is.

no reason to watch, 10. chance of hidden meaning to elevate, 0.

it's a great movie to impress your first date with your knowledge of basic good and bad, 10 (it's so obvious in this flic, lady, or dude)

please use this flic to impress somebody else, because it will not have any good lasting effect on you. thank you.