pandion1 Reviews

Alone in the Dark (2005)

Oh good grief

[1/10 · 5 June 2024]

I only became aware of the name Uwe Boll a year ago. I don't know how I'd missed him,but I've started to think that I was living in some dream dimension where dire film makers do not exist. Obviously, I have transgressed some unwritten law and now I am unfortunately here where the Boll exists.

Uwe Boll has a talent. He can take good actors and make them bad. He can take bad ideas and make them dire. He can take poor scripts and make them appalling. What elevates his talent to the level of genius is that he seems to be blissfully unaware of his cataclysmic lack of talent.

Alone in the Dark is the epitome of his poor film-making. There are absolutely no redeeming features to this film. It is dire beyond belief. I'm surprised that anyone involved in this film ever worked again.

The Addiction (1995)

The most boring vampires in the world

[2/10 · 28 May 2024]

Students always think they are clever and interesting. They constantly try to show how clever they are and pepper their conversation with references that they think only they will understand. Luckily, most of them grow out of this and look back on their overly pretentious student years with a shudder. But what happens if someone becomes an immortal student and never learns this lesson? You get a really boring vampire that constantly questions the morality of what they are doing and tries to make excuses by pretending that their victims want to die.

The title makes it clear that this is about addiction. That's as far as subtlety goes in this film. It's shot in black and white to make it seem more art house. Some of it is just excessive - the film of real life atrocities seems to be being used to excuse the vampires. But it just comes over as offensive.

If you want a really dull film about vampires, watch it. I certainly won't watch it again.

The ABCs of Death (2012)

Too many lows, not enough highs

[2/10 · 26 May 2024]

Anthology films are often patchy. This can work to their advantage as if you don't like a segment, you don't have too long to wait for it to finish. That advantage should be even more in play in this film as there are 26 segments. Each one is directed by a different person, so we should have 26 different visions of death.

Some are light-hearted, some gritty, some grim. None are really scary and most are massively pretentious. Several segments go way over the line of good taste - L is for Libido particularly. Some are just plain weird - and not in a good way.

Overall, a waste of time though it does give us a list of filmmakers to avoid.

Night Wolf (2010)

Werewolf? There wolf

[3/10 · 26 May 2024]

Films about werewolves (or, as in this film, a werewolf equivalent) can be hamstrung by poor special effected. The good films make up for it with good acting, pacing, direction and script - Dog Soldiers being the classic example. This film (either 13 Hrs or Night Wolf) manages to use none of the above.

I don't have a problem with the fact that most of the characters are essentially unlikeable - it's always handy to have a stack of similar characters around so that we can enjoy their unpleasant deaths. But these characters are so badly drawn, that they seem more like acting choices picked during an improv session ("I think my character used to be Sarah's best friend and I've been angry that she went away to America. That will give me the chance for a short angst conversation before my inevitable death.") The plot is predictable and full of characters making stupid choices - the point where the woman manages to shoot herself with a shotgun is particularly contrived. The only decent directorial choice is keeping the monster hidden until right at the end.

Watching this is better than watching paint dry - marginally.

Clarkson's Farm (2021– )

The best PR Clarkson has ever had

[9/10 · 25 May 2024]

Views on Jeremy Clarkson differ. Some think he's an arrogant ass. Others think he's an extremely arrogant ass. Whatever your feelings on him, four years ago he has (once again) gone too far and even his most ardent fans were having problems excusing him. And then came Clarkson's Farm.

For once, we see Clarkson when he's not performing for the camera. We see genuine emotion. We see him screw up - again, and again, and again.

Caleb is an astounding find - a naive young farmer who somehow manages to facedown the savvy, smart talking Jeremy.

The series has had some issues. The media was already criticising him for the way he was running his farm and he was, in his usual manner, taking on everyone head on without thinking through the consequences. But, the series shows the honest emotion behind what he's trying to do.

Some of the episodes are upsetting - one of the episodes in Season Three is particularly harrowing. But there are also laugh out loud moments. If nothing else, Clarkson has shone a light on the plight of farmers in this country.

10 Rillington Place (1971)

Truly creepy

[8/10 · 25 May 2024]

Based on the true story of John Christie, this film has Richard Attenborough in the role of Christie and John Hurt as the hapless Tim Evans. It was (apparently) shot in the actual locations, and that adds to the reality of the piece. The main matter of the film covers Christie's murder of Beryl Evans and her daughter and the subsequent trial of Tim Evans for the murder.

There is no gore, and very little violence. The tension is created by Attenborough who speaks in a whisper throughout and somehow manages to look innocent while being manipulative and murderous. He is balanced by John Hurt, playing the illiterate truck driver that Christie fools and ultimately uses as his patsy.

Excellent performance from all involved..

Where'd You Go, Bernadette (2019)

Pity us, for we are well off

[3/10 · 25 May 2024]

I think this film doesn't really know what it wants to be. Is it a comedy - in that case it should be funny. Is it a drama about mental health - in that case you need some way to connect with the characters. What we have is an uncomfortable mess where the main character is clearly unwell and just as clearly has issues when dealing with people. We are meant to see the husband as caring and loving - but he doesn't seem to have any empathy for his wife at all.

The events of the film make little sense and the characters just do stupid things. For instance, when a doctor has Bernadette's symptoms described to her, at what point would she consider a good idea to organise an "intervention" that included a woman that Bernadette disliked and an FBI agent?

The main problem is that this film is about rich entitled people and rich entitled people problems. The actors do a very good job - but when the source material is this poor, there is very little that can be done.

Sing 2 (2021)

Norman, release the piglets

[8/10 · 22 May 2024]

We're never going to accuse Sing of being a serious commentary on inequality or the position of women in theatre. It's just a fun bit of entertainment. Sing 2 is a good sequel which, like most sequels, doesn't quite match up to the original. The main movers from Sing are back, along with some new characters who slot in very well. But several of the subplots seem very familiar : Johnny is again being asked to do something new and struggling, Meena is having performance anxiety and Moon has someone trying to close him down.

This time it is spiced up with Bono playing a reclusive megastar, some tap dancing lemurs and a breakdanc8ng lynx.

It's still funny. The singing is excellent and it's as heart-warming as the first one.

And remember, if in trouble "release the piglets".

The Sea Beast (2022)

Yo ho ho

[8/10 · 21 May 2024]

A visually stunning piece of animation. The plot is a cross between Moby Dick and How to Train Your Dragon. There is nothing particularly new here, but it is done very well. It falls down, for me, in two places. (1) the comedy accents are awful and sound like the local villages production of Pirates of Penzance. (2) Maisie is just annoying. She's always right and she just grates. Apart from that, this is an enjoyable family film with big sea monsters. And a cute little one - just for those extra merchandising opportunities .

I understand that a sequel is planned - that's not something that would be unwelcome.

The Net (I) (1995)

Badly dated

[4/10 · 18 May 2024]

This film has not aged well - and it wasn't that good to start with. Hollywood always has a problem when it tries to show something technical. For some reason, instead of checking with experts they seem to just get a script writer to out in something that sounds vaguely technical - and anyone with any knowledge of the field will immediately recognise it as drivel.

That's the first problem. The second is, that for a thriller it lacks pace and drive. Sandra Bullock is pleasant enough but her character is pretty thin and not strong enough to hold up an entire film. The film is way too long, and could have easily had half an hour edited out.

Thirty years later, the technology looks ridiculous (because it was!) but the plot itself lacks any shock value, when it was made, the idea of identity theft was new and unusual. Now, it's just part of life.

Sandra Bullock films are best when there is an element of comedy in them - this one takes itself way too seriously.

Haunt (I) (2019)

Surprisingly watchable

[8/10 · 12 May 2024]

I went into this film with no particular expectations and was pleasantly surprised. It is, admittedly, the traditional plot of "teens go somewhere and get killed". What elevates it is the acting, the writing and the characters. They avoid the usual array of unlikable characters so that I actually cared about them. While they still have the occasional attack of "horror film stupidity", mostly they act logically and sensibly throughout.

The first thirty minutes is nothing but introducing the characters and building up the tension. And it does it incredibly well. When the violence starts, it hits the line between graphic and implied and is very effective because of it.

At the end, much is unexplained - which is good. Leave it as it is, and don't try and justify it. This is a good Halloween romp and in future I'm always going as a baseball player.

Girls Trip (2017)

Bad trip

[3/10 · 12 May 2024]

I'm clearly not the target audience for this film.

The story is about four black women who go to the Essence Festival to try and relive their college days. The characters are cliched - especially the Tiffany Haddish.character who is the sort of person that I would pay money to spend time away from. The performances are good, but this film goes out of its way to be offensive. The scene where two of them urinate on a crowd is a particular low.

Can someone tell me why it is acceptable for Queen Latifah to make comments about "stupid white boy s**t" and not get criticised for it? If a white man dared to make a comment about "stupid black woman s**t", they would never work again. I'm all for equality - but it works both ways.

The thing about this that really annoys me is that the four women are all good actresses, wasting their time on juvenile tripe.

Evil Dead (2013)

Maybe the evil should have stayed dead?

[6/10 · 11 May 2024]

I honestly don't know why I don't like this film more. It's gory, spooky and well acted. Camerawork is good, effects are good. But it lacks something. The problem with a remake is that it needs to honour the original without just repeating it. This doesn't really do that.

We get everything that was in the original evil dead - the tree "rape", the chained up hatch, the removal of the hand - but there's nothing about this that makes me want to watch this film again. Bizarrely I have actually watched it twice - because it is so unforgettable that I forgot I'd already seen it.

It lacks someone to hang the film on - instead of Bruce Campbell, we get a rather earnest figure. There is no humour and the film takes its' ridiculous plot far too seriously. Gender swapping the Final Guy into a Final Girl seems pointless - especially as she hasn't actually done anything all film. It's a shame they've resorted to the Final Girl cliche. But the characters consistently act like morons and make stupid decisions - which annoys me - and, by the way, how the hell does someone PULL their own hand off ??

If I had to sit down and watch it again, I could. But I'd rather watch a film that is offering us something new -- or even just watch one of the original films.

The Meg (2018)

A guilty pleasure

[9/10 · 6 May 2024]

On the surface, there is little of merit to this film. But something about it makes me watch it again and again. It is a simplistic, special effects action film - but it works. Jason Statham plays the dishevelled expert called in despite a previous disaster. And he plays himself (as usual). We have some stock characters in support - an estranged love interest, a cute child, an evil billionaire - but the roles are all played very well.

The opening scenes do a great job of hiding the Meg, and the scene where we finally properly see it is truly awesome - the sight of the little girl stood watching it as it approaches gives me goosebumps every time. The Meg always looks superb and while this film will never scar me as much as Jaws did, I just love watching it.

The film is a rollercoaster that slams along at pace, while having time for some decent dialogue. And who can resist a film where Jason Statham does a Dory impression?

Cradle of Fear (2001 Video)

Cradle of drivel

[1/10 · 6 May 2024]

It's hard to tie down what the worst thing is about this film. The acting is appalling - I sincerely hope that none 9f them are relying on their skills to feed themselves. The script is dreadful - which leads me to wonder if the scriptwriters have ever actually held a conversation in their entire lives. The plot is allegedly original - only if yours never watched a film or read a book. The soundtrack is terrible. The special effects are laughable - the spider baby being a particular low point.

Are there any redeeming features? No.

From the first scene it is clear that the writer has some kind of goth revenge fantasy going along the lines of "wouldn't it be cool if ...". Apparently this is a "homage to Amicus". Rubbish. I would advise you not to waste your time.

The Croods (2013)

Things that rhyme with Grug

[7/10 · 5 May 2024]

If you're looking for a cartoon with a message, with sophisticated humour and layers of meaning or for something that you could pretend is "for adults", move on at once. The Croods is an entertaining film with an amusing premise. The animation is very good, there are some great jokes and the film never drags. The voice acting is good and this is one of the few Ryan Reynolds films that I've actually enjoyed.

This is a definite feel good film. You know that the peril will never do anything really bad but the characters are engaging enough that you still worry about them. I laughed out loud several times - which is the best recommendation I can make for a comedy.

Match Point (2005)

Good acting, poor film

[3/10 · 23 April 2024]

This apparently is touted as Woody Allen's triumphant return to the cinema. Must be a whole new definition of triumphant. While the acting is good, the characters are not well written. Allen makes a serious error basing this in England - which he clearly knows very little about. I've read that this is about the "middle class". Apparently the middle class lives in estates, has access to apparently unlimited money and gives random people jobs. The one thing that this class in question would NEVER do is invite the tennis professional along to a social event!

The film spend a good 75% of its time on character development. Long, drawn out, boring character development. Scarlett Johanssons character is someone with no likeable qualities apart from her sexual allure. Jonathan Rhys Meyers is allegedly Irish - but the only reason you know that is that other people refer to him as Irish throughout the film. His change to murderer is unbelievable. Not only does he decide to murder his inconveniently pregnant mistress, but he also murders the woman next door just to throw the police off his scent. There is absolutely nothing in his character to suggest he is capable of this apart from the fact that he is "competitive".

The film is utterly without humour or anything to leaven it. It comes across as Allen trying to do a serious film - which it is. It's just not an interesting one. It's billed as a psychological thriller. But it's as thrilling as checking to see if the Stilton has turned,

The Woman (I) (2011)

Man good, woman bad

[4/10 · 10 April 2024]

I suspect the makers of this film are undeservedly proud of it. As men, they have produced (they feel) a truly feminist statement where they subtly show that the civilised man is actually worse than the uncivilised woman. Nothing could be further from the truth.

The characters are facile and cliched. The husband might as well be twirling his moustache as he announces his evil plan. It's not enough that he dominates his family, kidnaps a woman and rapes her. No, he also has to keep a secret daughter as a dog AND rape his other daughter. The wife is such a cliche of a subdued wife that she seems to be from the 1950s. Either that or she was brought up in Stepford. Don't forget to add in the cliche of the withdrawn teenage daughter mysteriously choosing to wear baggy clothes and the concerned teacher.

But it doesn't stop there. Every single male in the film is presented as being abusive. Brian is clearly follow8ng in his fathers footsteps as we see when he watches some other boys bullying a girl and then deliberately puts gum in the hair of another girl who likes him. Even the boy in the swimming pool is clearly of the same mould as he swims off after trying to speak to Peg, calling her a "strumpet" as she won't talk to him. (As an aside - strumpet? Now there's a word that modern teenagers use ALL the time).

The plot itself is risible. What luck that Chris happens to have his cellar set up for keeping someone captive. The introduction of the feral daughter is so out of left field that it feels as though they just needed another reason for us to hate the father. His reactions to the concerns of the teacher are so over the top, that you wonder how he has been able to function in society. The writers might claim that this is because he is spiralling out of control - but nothing about the film suggests that.

The music is out of place and seems to have been solely because the words are always appropriate to what is going on. Effects are good. The film builds no tension and stumbles incoherently towards its ending.

And, if you were in any doubt as to the subtle message : man bad, woman good. Just remember that.

The Killing Gene (2007)

Deeply flawed thriller

[6/10 · 7 April 2024]

This is a detective thriller along the lines of Seven with some elements of Saw thrown in. But it isn't anywhere near as good as either. The acting is generally good - although Tom Hardy mumbles his lines to the point where subtitles are needed. The issue here is the plot, the characterisation and the piling of cliche on top of cliche.

Why write a detective thriller if you don't know how the police work? Why write people in such a cliched way that they are two dimensional? Why waste some good actors on a plot that is so predictable that you know what will happen at the end within about 30 minutes?

There is a good film here fighting to get out. But whoever wrote it has clearly learnt everything they know from 1970s cop shows. The female detective is patronised, abused and sexually harassed at work - and puts up with it in a way that would never be accepted in the 2000s.. The police consistently act stupidly and do ridiculous things just to move the plot forward. Worst of all is the completely 2D nature of all the characters. They are badly drawn and leave the actors with very little to work with. It's worth noting, by the way, that all of the police are corrupt - even the female detective who very quickly ignores everything that is going on and jumps on the bandwagon.

The writer also grabs every cliche they can - especially in the portrayal of the gang members. This smacks of a film shoved together to try and cash in on the success of other, better films.

Vampire's Kiss (1988)

Ignore and watch Renfield instead

[3/10 · 6 April 2024]

Hiding somewhere in this film, is a good idea. But saddled with a bad script and Nicholas Cage overacting as only he can, it sadly fails to make the best of its material.

The concept is a good one - a successful businessman becomes convinced that he is turning into a vampire. High jinks ensue - or, at least, that was probably the plan. Instead, we are given a central character who is so unlikeable that I would have been happy if he was run over by a truck early on in the film. There is no sympathy for his deteriorating mental state, because we just don't ca4e enough about him.

And, of course, it lacks the one thing that you need for a black comedy - things that are funny. My advice is to avoid this turkey and watch Renfield instead.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)

Black comedy without the comedy

[3/10 · 3 April 2024]

I'll start off by saying that I have never revered Texas Chainsaw Massacre as much as other people. I've always felt that it gets undue praise, though I admit that it did change the way horror films were made. Compared to this sequel, it deserves every plaudit it gets because this shows how bad a slasher film can be.

Like a lot of bad horror films, it is marketed as a "black comedy" but it's missing an essential element: the comedy. I think this gets used when a film has been made that is bloody awful and they're trying to make an excuse. Call it a black comedy and maybe we'll get away with it.

The premise is not bad. The acting is ok - which it should be when you have Dennis Hopper in it. The problem here is that Dennis Hopper has made far more bad films than he has good ones. Here, he spends the second half of the film just incoherently yelling. Similarly, the female lead spends the second half of the film doing little but screaming which just gets annoying.

This is a shameless attempt to cash in on the first film. Much like a lot of sequels, it damages the reputation of the original by its very existence. Dreadful.

The Stylist (I) (2020)

A little off the top please.

[6/10 · 30 March 2024]

The Stylist has everything needed to make it a great film: beautiful cinematography, great acting, good direction and a good concept. It explores ideas around obsession, loneliness and alienation and links them to the way that people can become convinced that they have a relationship with someone else that does not really exist. The relationship between someone and their stylist/barber is curiously intimate, but in the end do you really know the person that is using scissors dangerously close to your carotid?

Given all that and sweeping melodic theme music, this should be a recipe for a superb horror film. But something about it doesn't quite work, I've seen it described as a slow burn - but it doesn't build any tension. The gore is dealt with in a matter of fact way, but the scenes with it lack impact. It feels to me as though the film-makers didn't quite know what they wanted to make. It dips its toe in horror without fully taking the plunge. It's unsettling, but never actually scary. It's a shame. I think this could have been a truly amazing film, but it doesn't quite land. Stylistically, it is very good - but in the end comes down to style over substance..

Stan Helsing (2009)

Imagine Scary Movie, but worse

[1/10 · 28 March 2024]

This movie tells us from the start that it is a parody. It is, in so far as it fits a 12 year old child's definition of parody. There is no cleverness here. No wit, no subtlety. No chance to make a crass joke is avoided. There is none of the intellectual sophistication necessary for a parody. This is what happens when a script gets written by a child and then somehow an adult decides to make a film. What makes it worse is that even when the jokes could be good, they completely fail to land due to the inept handling of the film by the actors, the director and the script writer.

I thought it was impossible for a film to be worse than Scary Movie. I was wrong.

Rupture (I) (2016)

Ten minutes stretched to two hours

[3/10 · 17 March 2024]

Films that come under the heading of science fiction tend to come with three types of science: actual science, super or futuristic science and piffle. Rupture lands solidly in the last bracket. It has that feeling of someone who once read a textbook, didn't understand it and thought "hey let's use that in a film". The simplest example of that is a standard taser that affects people for 15 minutes - piffle.

The film is also described as a "slow burn". The problem is that films like that have to catch fire at some point. This one doesn't - instead the slow burn is extinguished by the equivalent of someone dumping a bucket of urine on it.

The acting is OK, but the main problem is the plot. There isn't one. What little plot there is stops when you are just finding out what's going on and leaves us with an ending that screams "please be interested enough to let us make a sequel". A sequel would be good for only one thing: to answer the age old question "what is more boring than watching paint dry?"

There might be a good film here screaming to get out. But it needs trimming down (to about 15 minutes) and it desperately needs a third act.

The Road (I) (2009)

We're all going to die

[7/10 · 16 March 2024]

There are two basic approaches to a post-apocalyptic narrative: the hopeful one that shows humanities good side winning through against the odds (or, at least, giving hope that this will happen) and the nihilistic approach that concentrates on humanities bad side to the point that you really want everyone to die. The Road falls firmly in the latter category.

The photography captures this beautifully with its muted colours and incessant use of grey. For that is what the world is grey, grey and more grey and, oh by the way, everyone is going to die.

It might be well acted (which it is), it might be beautifully shot (which it is) and it might be a faithful adaptation of an apparently much loved novel (which it allegedly is) but it's miserable. It makes me want to remove the novel from my TBR pile as I don't think I need another dose of depression.

It has one message : we're all going to die.

A one word description of this film: bleak.

Not the sort of film to recommend to anyone in need of cheering up.