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Scissorhands007
Reviews
The Happening (2008)
Shymalan's best since The Sixth Sense
I genuinely thought this was a good movie. And you must understand; I am by no means an M. Night fan. I liked The Sixth Sense, but let's face it; Signs was terrible. The Village sucked immensely. After surviving these two stinkbombs, I refused to even consider sitting through Lady in the Water. However, the commercials for this one looked promising; and I was not disappointed. Shymalan actually seems to focus more on intelligent story structure than plot twists for a change. The characters have real dimension and the film even makes a coherent statement on Global Warming! My first thought when the movie ended was "who really directed this movie?" I don't get all the negative reviews; it's not one of the greatest films I've ever seen, but it is an entertaining night out.
Natural Born Killers (1994)
A Wretched Film that Had the Potential for Greatness
I regret having to give this film one star- zero stars isn't an option. Neither is negative 3 stars. That would've been acceptable. Quentin Tarantino has stated that he wants nothing to do with this film; and that is understandable. The sad thing about this is that if Tarantino's script had been kept (or, if Tarantino had kept that script for a few more years and made this instead of Jackie Brown,) this would've been a great movie. Sadly, however, the script was re-written and the film directed by Oliver "Lotsa Guns Lotsa Sex" Stone. The satire and social commentary Tarantino intended is lost; overshadowed by the gratuitous violence and "trip shots," which are completely random shots of creepy things that interrupt the story and have absolutely nothing to do with the film and therefore should not have been included. Stone seems to have been more concerned with showing the audience that he can do all sorts of neat tricks with his camera than telling a meaningful story. Super 8, black and white, slow motion, fast motion, all right, we get it! What's the point? The film became everything Tarantino's original script stands against: a media car crash that's all style and no substance.
Billy Madison (1995)
AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
This is quite possibly one of the worst movies ever committed to celluloid. When I rented it, the screen was fuzzy for the first five minutes. For a minute, I was afraid the tape was broken. It turns out it wasn't, but now I wish it had been. Billy Madison, an adult with the mind of a five-year-old child, will lose his father's company if he doesn't complete grades 1-12 again in two weeks. The plot is predictable, the script is juvenile, and acting is, for the most part, terrible. The only good performance came from Steve Buscemi, who played a student Madison tortured in high school. Ironically, he wasn't even given a credit. In short, this film makes Harold and Kumar go to White Castle look like Casablanca. I wouldn't recommend watching this at gunpoint.
South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)
Viva La Resistance!
SPOILER ALERT! This is one of the finest satiric cartoons ever made. I am convinced that South Park is the best show on TV (and the only excuse to turn on that disgusting Comedy Central [AKA The Beer and Sex Channel,]) but some people wonder if the movie is as good as the show. Take my word for it, it isn't. It's ten times better. In the movie, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny see an R-rated film starring their favorite Canadian actors, Terrance and Philip. The movie is entitled Asses of Fire, and if I may quote Arthur Taussig, the title is the least offensive thing about it. In the opening scene of Asses of Fire, we discover why it was rated R. I won't give away one of the funniest parts of the movie, but I'll just say that I didn't know you could use that many obscenities in only three minutes. When the movie ends, the boys leave the theatre repeating all the words they've heard in the film. Not knowing what the words mean, they continue this behavior the next day at school. Their teacher sends them to the guidance counselor who subsequently calls their mothers. As those who watch the show may have guessed, Sheila Brosfloski, Kyle's mother, is outraged and begins a campaign to have the film banned.
It's general pop-culture knowledge that Kenny McCormick is killed in nearly EVERY episode of South Park. One can naturally assume that his death in the movie would be the Kenny-death-to-end-all-Kenny-deaths. It is, but unlike his frequent deaths in the show, his death in the movie is a huge contributing factor to the plot. This may be a slight spoiler (if you can call the way in which Kenny dies a spoiler.) The boys end up seeing the movie again, and Kenny is killed while imitating something he saw in the film that may be too inappropriate say in this review. He is banished to Hell for skipping church to see the film, and we discover that Satan and Saddam Hussein are in a homosexual love affair. In this relationship, Satan is surprisingly warm and caring and wants to communicate with Saddam, but Saddam just wants sex. The conversations between these two characters throughout the film are hilarious. Meanwhile, back on Earth, Sheila Brosfloski's movement to have Terrance and Philip banned has spun out of control. Canada is blamed for all of the problems of America's youth, America is preparing to literally wage war against Canada, all Canadian-American citizens are sent to death-camps, and Terrance and Philip are scheduled to be executed. Back in Hell, Kenny listens to a conversation between Satan and Saddam. Bible readers know the seven signs of the end of the world. The fall of an empire, the coming of a comet, etc. We discover that when the blood of Terrance and Philip touches American soil, Satan and Saddam Hussein will ascend from Hell and rule the earth. It is now up to Stan, Kyle, and Cartman to save humanity from the horrors of every Christian's worst nightmare, and his boyfriend, George W. Bush's worst nightmare. This film is more than hilarious. I am convinced that Matt Stone and Trey Parker are the funniest individuals in America. This film is an animated musical, but parents beware, it doesn't bare the Disney family-friendly stamp of approval. The best songs in the film are "Up There," "I'm Super," "What Would Brian Boitano Do?," and the infamous "Blame Canada," which was nominated for an Oscar. The best voice jobs by the creators were Saddam Hussein (Matt Stone,) and Satan (Trey Parker.) I could watch this film twenty times every day and never tire of it. Caution: while this film is animated, it is certainly not for the kiddies. It is filled with vulgar language, but it is not gratuitous. The language used is the purpose of the film. The moral of the film is that no matter what words your children learn from a film, it is not the filmmaker's job to raise your child. It's an anti-censorship film. It is the up to the parent to put it into context and punish accordingly. I would recommend this film to everyone who is not easily offended or an extreme Christian, YOU WILL BE OFFENDED. If you're into satirical cartoons, or just want to see Canadians drop bombs on Alec Baldwin, South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut is a must-see.
Mitchell (1975)
My..My..My...My...GOD!!!
This has got to be, without a doubt, one of the worst movies I've ever seen. How Joe Don Baker was cast is beyond me. In a normal review, the author gives a brief description of the plot. I'm sorry, but I can't. I didn't understand a thing about the plot. All I can tell you is that it involves a cop named Mitchell, a hooker, a drug bust (I think,) a Johnny Mathis look-alike who gets shot by A Nightmare on Elm Street's John Saxon, a boat chase, and the most disgusting love scene ever committed to film. This was, however, one of the best episodes of MST3K , partially because it was so easy to make fun of. The MST3K episode is the ONLY tolerable way to watch it. If you see it on its own, you may be tempted to throw yourself out a window.
Singles (1992)
Twenty
"Twenty." There are some lines in movies that just stick with you. They are usually brief, but memorable. If for no other reason, see Singles for the cameo of Tim Burton as a video director for Expect the Best, a strange Seattle dating agency. Now to review the other 85 minutes of the movie. Singles is a romantic "dramady" about twenty-somethings who live mainly in the same building and follows them through the course of their on/off relationships. There are good points and bad points to Singles. I don't know where Cameron Crowe got the idea to make it a "music movie," but it worked. The songs flow beautifully into the film. Paul Westerberg's songs are awesome, but sound the same. There are some funny jokes, a few great cameos, and it really makes you think about your love life. There are some weak points, however. Bridget Fonda's character, Janet Livermore, becomes VERY annoying, VERY fast. For instance- she asks her boyfriend if her breasts are too small for him, out of the blue, for no reason at the moment. The garage-door opener thing is odd, and some dialogue is completly pointless and stupid. "Don't do this! Don't make me remember this chili dog forever!" "Remember it. Make that a historic chili dog." Alrighty. I would recommend this movie for those who are single and have been so for quite some time. Warning: this film can be painful to watch if you're getting over a breakup. And remember, if you choose to find that special someone through a dating agency, if the director of your video wants 20 bucks instead of 10, scream, run from the building, and never look back. ;-)