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scottbeers
Reviews
300 (2006)
GRAND if you're high!
I went to see this film during opening night at midnight. I was fairly stoned as I usually am whilst entering a film of this magnitude. By the time the character development was complete, the action began! I nearly spoiled my undies with a load of ejaculate. The hunch backed character within the film was equally grotesque to that of my grandmothers anus shortly after deploying a nine pound dump. When the six pack steroid fueled men of 300 challenged the opposing factions with all their might, they were never short to satisfy me from oozing a bit out of the southern tip. By the time this film concluded, I also concluded cleaning my internal lower pipes of all the semen build up from previous days. I rate this film an 8, just short of a duel handy from two Asian teens.
Paranormal Activity 3 (2011)
Wait, wait, wait, boo!
I never had any interest in Paranormal Activity until recent hype. I went back and viewed the first and second installment to the series so I would feel fully prepared going to the theater to view the third.
Like the first two, number three does little to pave way for a fourth. With the exception of the great profits made from this film, the actual content is quite poor.
Paranormal Activity uses the "you fear what you can't see" and "the longer the silence, the better chance we'll catch you off guard". Approximately 85% of this film you'll find yourself waiting, waiting, and waiting for something to occur. On various occasions you'll stare at the same shot for over a minute. The problem here is that the cuts are often so drawn out that you might possibly end up thinking of something other than the movie in front of you.
Although I did find myself feeling a bit uncomfortable walking into my empty house in the dark afterward, the movie itself did little to scare me at the time. This maybe an excellent movie to watch before going to a haunted house or something of that magnitude, aside from that I certainly would not view it again. Please don't feed this series any more money if they do pump out a fourth, it's a disgrace to the genre.
Lights Out (2011)
No Resolution
As a boxing and MMA fan this show initially caught my attention. If you know Mixed Martial Arts, please read the paragraph below. Otherwise skip to the last paragraph.
Patrick Leary's fight against Bas "El Guapo" Rutten in a disgusting Mixed Martial Arts fight. It's exactly what a 70-year-old man would imagine mixed martial arts to be; a cage in an abandon building, the canvas covered in a thin layer of dirt with the complements of blood stains that were never cleaned up. Rutten takes Leary down after landing a spinning back kick that lands clean to the head. Rutten "A World Class MMA Fighter" quickly applies what appears to be an armbar. However Bas Rutten's left leg is isn't in the correct position and yet he continues to hold the submission attempt. Leary powers out of the incorrect submission and eventually ends up back on his feet. Rutten gets Leary in a standing guillotine choke which is fully locked in. Leary miraculously manages to throw Rutten off of him. After exchanging some more unblocked punches by both fighters Rutten applies a rear naked choke; once again the submission is not applied correctly but somehow it drops Leary to the ground and Rutten lets go of the choke despite Leary was close to being put to sleep. Rutten is holding his own head as if somehow choking Leary hurt him. By this point both fighters' backs are covered in dirt, Leary is bleeding, neither fighter is sweating. Leary baits Rutten over to him by holding his throat in agony. He follows quickly lands a right uppercut to the throat followed by a left hook to the back of Rutten's head. The Boxer with no MMA skills emerges victorious!
Aside from my sad description of the MMA scene, the final boxing scene isn't any better. The last two minutes of the show left me feeling as if nothing was resolved aside from Leary avenging a loss. No characters were followed up on, not even Leary. There is no way this show will have a second season.