Schuriken Reviews

Halloween Ends (2022)

The Toilet Ends

[1/10 · 14 November 2022]

Ok so they decided to end Halloween by flushing it down the toilet. Couldn't they just add 80's cheap stuff to the movie like more blood more latex more boobies and all the things the horror movies fans really like ? So the movie can go down the toilet like diarrhea.

But no, the movie has to go down the toilet like a big fat turd.

Flush it twice.

NEXT !!

P. S.

Dear creators, directors, writters, producers, studios etc etc ,

What makes you think the audience likes this crap ? Because it is certainly not artistic or entertainment . So where exactly would you place this turd of a movie in the world of the arts ? Oh yeah, in the toilet.

Hellraiser (2022)

Slapped Pepperoni Pizza Special Effects

[1/10 · 9 October 2022]

I have no words to describe the lack of imagination on the cenobites creation. They were just very very generic and the special effects were just awful.

A couple of cenobites were just the same reheated soups. The pinhead man woman thing (whatever we don't care) was just a person with special effects so horrible and lame that it looked like someone made them with pepperoni pizza and just slapped them on the actor. Make it a bit dark and it will look fine.

Well it doesnt look fine. It looks like crap.

I just dont understand why they can't get it right anymore. Is it the overuse of special effects that make people to forget how to use real life special effects ? Cause it looks like they dont know what they are doing.

Please, for the love of God, just stop making these Hellraiser films already !

This movie had no teeth, no violence, not much gore, boring same quotes from the first movies.

Pinhead is a priest of hell. Not a random person dressed for Halloween quoting movie lines.

Come to think of it, there is absolutely no wardrobe for the cenobites either. No leather, no tools no nothing. What are you people doing ?

No thank you

NEXT !!

Zone 414 (2021)

414 yawns on the wall..

[1/10 · 9 September 2021]

What is this? Is this a movie ? This person Guy Pearce rolled out of bed and lost his cell phone. He couldn't phone it in, so he showed up on set to do a movie.

He doesn't even deliver one funny line at all. Not one.

414 yawns on the wall. 414 yawns went to the flee market...

The Tomorrow War (2021)

The woke garbage stinks again

[1/10 · 4 July 2021]

Please keep your garbage movie to yourselves. We don't want it. If you want to make garbage like this, fine. Just take it to your house, not mine. You shouldn't be even charging people for this crap. It's not art. It's curbside garbage. And nobody is picking it up.

Take it back inside your own house. It's starting to give the whole neighbourhood a terrible stench.

Bye bye now.

The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It (2021)

The kid exorcism is lame

[1/10 · 6 June 2021]

When exactly did horror genre turn into a luke warm cgi crap from yesterdays ??

Is this the business of entertainment or some bore yawning fest filters on the fly for kids ?

What is this ? Someone please...

Tenet (2020)

Boring & Confusing

[1/10 · 21 September 2020]

I started yawning after 10 minutes. At the 15 minutes mark my eyes started closing from boredom. After 15 minutes I just stopped watching the movie.

Movies are made to entertain us. Not to confuse us and tire us with storylines so complex nobody wants to even sit and solve riddles and philosophical questions.

I would rather watch Bambi on my old VHS player again. By now I don't even care who the director is or the actors for that matter.

For me if you can't even beat Bambi on an old VHS tape then you have absolutely no right to be making any kind of movies whatever your name is.

There is so much CGI in movies lately. Technically they are not live action films. They are cartoons. Therefore your competition is Bambi. Deal with it.

Relic (2020)

Super Boring

[1/10 · 12 July 2020]

Do you know the word "Boring" is the worst thing you can say for any artwork ? Better say its not interesting or has no substance or not inspirational.

One hour and 5 minutes into the movie and absolutely nothing has happened. I should have gone for take out food eat it have a bath and let the movie play.

Im saving you 1 hour of your life. 3 women wondering doing nothing inside a house for an hour. I can do that myself. Why do I have to watch it in a movie ??

Movies are made to entertain you keep you company have a good time and something to talk about. Nobody has ever talked about anything that is boring in the entire history of the world.

Movie has faded colours, shot in darkness, no soundtrack, nothing happens. I have more fun relieving myself in the toilet than watching this movie.

If this was a stage play in a theater there would be more people drinking soda in the lobby than people inside the theater. Probably I would throw empty cans of soda at the actors for doing nothing because I paid for a play and nothing happens.

Excuse me people Im retiring to the toilet where I have more fun there. Or anywhere for that matter.

You Should Have Left (2020)

Luke Warm Bacon

[3/10 · 27 June 2020]

Why am Im I here I don"t know. I pressed play on this movie my farts on 4 winds blow. Kevin Bacon stirs the echoes from the sofa. In part 3 he sees the ghost of Jimmy Hoffa. Kevin Bacon is still sexy in our dreams. Freddy Krueger laughs with laser beams. It doesn't matter if he still looks like a raccoon. Stephen King wrote a book about a red balloon.

The Lodge (2019)

The new frontier of Boredome

[1/10 · 9 May 2020]

This is the first film Ive ever pulled out my phone and started playing with fb. After the first 15 minutes I just continued playing with my phone.

I love movies films and art. Trust me. If I start playing with my phone when I watch your movie it means your movie has gone beyond boring and now I just noted the writers and directors names to look out for their next movie, not to watch.

It's not film, it's not art, it's not acting. It's boring.

I feel sorry for anyone who actually paid to see this. Go buy an ice cream or a soda and play with your phone. It's much better.

Bye bye now forever.

Terminator: Dark Fate (2019)

The Final Nail In The Coffin

[1/10 · 5 November 2019]

Linda Hamilton looks like she has been homeless living in the streets the past 20 years.

Arnold looks like an uncle Karl who should have died 20 years ago. Why he is being cast in Terminator is beyond my understanding. His younger self made with CGI is very good we dont need grandpa Terminator.

My best guess is that Linda Hamilton just waited to return only as the final nail in this awful movie series.

Somewhere someone is asking for his money back right now at a movie theater.

Can someone please explain to me what exactly anyone may gain by watching Linda and Arnold eating at a Korean food restaurant ?

I respect it if you choose to be the final nail in the coffin. I cannot understand why you have to rub it in our faces though. The marketing clips for this movie is like visiting a terminaly ill family member you havent seen in 30 years. Its not fun or entairtaining by any means.

Doctor Sleep (2019)

Doctor Boring

[1/10 · 4 November 2019]

2.5 hours of a sequel to The Lost Boys with a bunch of ghosts from The Shining at the end. I think Stephen King is just plain boring and should just leave us in peace and take John Carpenter with him. Im not impressed by these crapiolas anymore, 40 years for a sequel and Halloween sequels and reboots no more.

Story mediocre but movie adaptations were ok. Rebootings wont make them any better. It's just the same boring movie again and staying true to the book just isn't working at all.

This movie isn't a horror movie its more like a psycho thriller, to be honest it should have been a horror movie and 1 hour shorter too with more Vampires.

Just put it out of it's Misery, let us be. Try a career in sports writting. I don't want 800 page adaptations into marathons of kids cartoons. It's boring and too long.

The 3rd sequel to the Shinning will feature The Lion King, Spiderman cartoons, CGI Jack Nicholson (again), Pinatas and Obi Wan Kenobi fighting the evil villains at the Overlook Hotel in a sunny tropical island.

Stanley Kubrick did a huge favour with The Shining.

Joker (I) (2019)

My Majesty Is Zero

[6/10 · 8 October 2019]

Ah yes, who needs colours and big time movie sets to film The Joker ?

A madman in a madhouse. The madhouse next doors. Next time you see green and white guy, better run. Better run now I say.

Want a Michael Mayers, Jason or The Joker mask ? How about a boring drama thriller centered on chequered floors. The cherry on top is an old ninja guy dressed as a bat, with a cool car and lots of gothic movie sets. Oh how I love it....

It Chapter Two (2019)

Homo Lone

[3/10 · 10 September 2019]

No Stephen, we don't want your autograph either buddy. Not when the ending is a cartoon mess of CGI and a red balloon mate. Maybe in 27 years they will remake the remake of the remake's book to film adaptation in full CGI. Is this movie about kids exploring their homosexuality and a cartoon clown that goes BOO continuously for 2 movies in a row ? Really ?

Jump scares, a clown that does nothing but scare kids, very cartoony and funny CGI monsters and have you ever watched the movie TERRIFIER ? Its a movie about a clown killing people. Check it out Stephen. Take your old musty closet full of old boring stories throw it out of the window and start over man. Or wait for the Saturday morning cartoon version of IT Chapter 3. Pennywise vs The teenage mutant ninja turtles.

CGI scary faces. Really ? In the year 2019 people still pay to see that ? I felt absolutely nothing for the group of kids and later adults, looks like the actors were picked out of a hat no connection whatsoever between them no chemistry no nothing. Just a bunch of random people reading lines from a book to each other. Any more stiffer than that and their back ends would need CGI too.

I thought Stephen King was super outdated. I thought Stephen King movies had great acting and terrible CGI. Not the other way around.

Maybe sell the rights to Disney and have Luke Skywalker do a lightsaber battle with Pennywise and a bunch of Jedi turtles in the movie to sell toys at Walmart. Think about it brother. Don't just go BOO. Sell the crap out of it.

Until the next remake of the second sequel's reboot remake.....BOO!...........BOO!!......................BOO!!!

Dragged Across Concrete (2018)

2.5 Hours of chit chats and boredom

[2/10 · 25 March 2019]

This movie features chit chats, people sleeping, people sitting in cars, people playing videogames, people eating, people watching tv, people watching other people...for 2.5 hours.

The sound crue should be shot at the town's square for their terrible job delivering murky blurry low volume incoherent sound and effects. Maybe they worked in silent movies before who knows..

Put the movie on, go fix dinner take a shower go out for a couple of drinks and when you come back the movie will still be running with two guys sitting in a car chatting about their crap lives. What a terrible movie.

My expectations from modern cinema have been reduced to just try to not spend any money for any movie whatsoever no matter the theme or actors.

I think by now the words Box Office should be a thing of the past. One day even complete morons will just stop paying to see any movie at the theaters.

The entire story of this god forsaken ultra dragged movie could be completed in a 20 minutes film. Thats all it takes. 20 minutes to show 2 cops failing to highjack a robbery.

Misleading poster and description of the movie. If the poster was just a plain blank piece of paper it would describe the movie more accurate.

Go spend your money somewhere else. Anywhere. Go for a drive around the block for 2.5 hours. It would be more entairtaining than this film.

Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (2018)

What is this 2h1t

[1/10 · 24 January 2019]

Yor All Fired. Twice each.

I'd rather watch a Bambi 2 remake than this again.

Ah and ye hear that terrible high pitch screaming...the ocean turns red..

Warning : Do not watch. See Bambi 2 remakes from 21 century \end transmission

Solo: A Star Wars Story (2018)

The Farce Is Strong With This One

[3/10 · 1 January 2019]

Ah yes. Disney's agenda unravels slowly but surely throughout this god forsaken boring film. I must admit it has it's moments. But it all gets demolished back to oblivion when the feminist agenda kicks in. Oh and it does kick in alright.

Men are weak, women are strong, men make bad choices, women save men, men are gamblers women are fighters and so on and so on. What a big awful yawn.

Ok we get it Disney. You are injecting feminism into our favourite movie saga of all times. Maybe Mickey Mouse will show up wearing a Darth Maul costume but in rainbow colours. That would be something. Maybe Minnie Mouse is stronger, better, more accomplished, more worthy to be called a real Jedi warrior too.

By now, the only people giving a flying Jedi crap are 6 year olds and people selling star wars fluffy bunnies with light sabers toys at Walmart. What a joke this is. What a farce.

Making movies to sell toys to kids and injecting feminist crap at the same audience. What a cheap trick. Millions of dollars thrown out the window for a cheap trick. You should be ashamed and wave the right to be called artists and film makers. Green screen toy selling film makers, yeah right. Your time will be remembered as a backround of fakery and computer image peddling of nothingness. Just like a big green screen set. The actors don't even have to show up on set anymore everything is fake. Careful now, because directors and crue will be faked too one day. Like giant vending machines operated only by coin, offering the same tasting candy no matter the ammount of money you put in to them.

Bird Box (2018)

Chirping birds and blowing wind...

[1/10 · 16 December 2018]

Another thriller that nothing happens. At all. A blind folded mum with two kids trying to go somewhere....who cares. If you've seen the Happening then get ready for The Non Happening. Again.

Two hours of chirping, wind swirls, leaves and bushes move for a while....give me a break.

Don't waste 2 hours on this go watch something else. Anything..

First Man (2018)

2 Hours Of Shaky Cam

[3/10 · 27 November 2018]

This is the first movie to use exclusively a camera man with Parkinson's desease. The entire movie is filmed with a camera taped on a kitchen mixer on super speed.

Not only it gave me a headache 5 minutes in, but all the scenes are shot with a shaky cam. Even dinner and funeral scenes are shaky cam all over the place. 2 hours of the worst camera work since the dawn of moving pictures.

The entire film was so shaky that at the end you think even the ending credits are shaking too.

What a terrible and useless film. Wanna get dizzy with a headache ? Watch this movie. Then take a couple of painkillers with a couple of shots of whiskey and try to forget all about it.

Dont say I didnt warn you about the headaches. Just make sure you didnt have a big meal before the movie...

Id rather watch a found footage movie than this. And I hate found footage films.

Bohemian Rhapsody (2018)

Face The Troof

[3/10 · 11 November 2018]

The reviewers are correct. The movie plays out like a Youtube video of Queen. So why don't we all just watch a couple of Queen documenteries for free on Youtube then ? Good actors boring film. Because its like spending millions of dollars to re-shoot a Queen documentary with actors. It doesn't make any sense at all. It's like spending a million dollars to re-create a tomato rather than going to the store to buy a real one for almost no cost. The film has "Watch the real thing on Youtube" written all over it which is not good. Don't care if Brian May or Spielberg produced it either.

I'd rather watch a Freddy Mercury based movie with a complete fictional story say like a dark twisted erotic action thriller than this.

The movie made me feel a bit stupid. Like when you take a photograph with your cell phone of an actual printed photograph. Or like when some people use their cell phones to take photographs of another photograph on a computer screen.

They could have made an action thriller with Freddy Mercury character for the lead role. Explosions, machine guns, sex, opera houses and rock music. That would be interesting to watch. Instead they re-shot a Youtube documentary. Wake me up when Freddy Mercury is a character in Mortal Kombat video game or has his own action movies.

Ideas for the producers for erotic action thrillers :

Freddy Goes West, Freddy's Back, Tales from the crypt : Innudeado, High On Mercury, High On Mercury 2 The Opera House Tapes, Unshaved and loving it, The Vengeance Of Mercury, Planet Mercury etc..

Replicas (2018)

There is no dolphin

[1/10 · 7 November 2018]

Ah yes. The old scifi movie with the mind exchange data from the 90's. Even people on LSD riding dolphins would trash this film to death. Keeanu Kheehanuu or whatever the ** his name is, he's offering a brand new boring take on his old venues in black and tech.

I reckon that Keeanu Reeves fella can tell a good director from nothingness by now. Why this exists is beyond my understanding and his of course.

Skip this one even on pirate streaming sites.

Note to myself : Don't watch the next 4 Keehanuuu Reeves movies. At least

Halloween (I) (2018)

Very Boring

[1/10 · 21 October 2018]

Dosed off for like 5 times during this god awful film. I thought it was a drama with Meryl Streep. Then I recalled the opening titles, which read Halloween ? Really ?

If Mayers was not in this film at all, it wouldn't make a difference. Adding Mayers to this terrible drama film, still doesn't make it interesting to watch. Or listen to. Or anything.

It is a very predictable, boring, uninspiring, storyless, meaningless film. Maybe the old horror masters should just keep their nostalgia to themselves. Carpenter joins Stephen King for the 21st century golden medal awards for boring stories.

Did someone say Rob Zombie's Halloween ? Yes sir. Thank you very much Rob Zombie.

Note to self : We are dealing with retards. The first movie was called Halloween, The sequel is called Halloween, The remake is called Halloween. Stay calm and don't go crazy cause the Halloween sequel remake to Halloween, will probably call it Halloween. Again. So we wont confuse it with any other Halloween sequels called Halloween.

It is not 1978 anymore guys. Move on or stay boring. Very boring.

The Meg (2018)

Bouahaha what a horrible film

[1/10 · 12 August 2018]

It is as bad as you hoped it would be. And a bit worse too. There is something about shark films these days. Oh yeah, they suck.

Terrible soundtrack, terrible acting, no story, no nothing. Jason Statham is on Nicholas Cage's foot steps right now, drowned in crappy films and all he has to show for is his athletic body and an accent nobody finds attractive anymore.

Killing a megalodon by shoving a spear through his eye by hand. Hmm they let kids do the writting nowadays. The rest of the cast should exclude working on this film from their casting careers all together.

And people wonder why Spielberg is a great director. Watch The Meg and you will see why that is a fact.

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)

Jurassic Boredom

[2/10 · 8 August 2018]

Did they actually film another one of these god awful sequels ? Yes they did. And they keep sending us Jurassic ammounts of boredom and yawns.

I would rather watch Sharknado than to try and watching this...movie again.

I would rather watch a Nicholas Cage movie twice than this.

I call this one : The day Hollywood sold zero plastic dinos.

Castle Rock (2018–2019)

Very Boring

[3/10 · 8 August 2018]

I just watched 4 episodes that is 4 hours of nothingness.

Nothing happens in the first four hours. Which is extremely boring. No story line, a bunch of characters walking around a small town doing nothing. No mystery no horror just a big nothing.

Maybe its time to declare Stephen King as the most boring writer of the 21st century horror genre.

Big Yawn. Good night Stephen...

The Equalizer 2 (2018)

What a boring and unfinished movie

[2/10 · 24 July 2018]

Plot holes, no story, no main villain, edited with an old butcher's clever, boring from start to finish, muslim, race mixing and gender neutral agenda pushing all over the place.

You have no idea whats going on half way through, story so thin you dont really care to find out what happens next. Makes no difference if Denzel Washington is in this movie or Jim Carrey.

Where is the main villain man ? What exactly is Denzel doing throughout the film nobody cares. Fight scenes boring, gun fights a great big yawn...

It felt like someone is trying to force a piece of rotten slice of bread down your throat and wash it down with milk gone bad. Terrible movie for the confused and people who like watching movies while sitting in their toilets. Or for people who like to scroll through movies with a mouse and watch the whole film in 6 seconds max.

I will probably catch up with all future Denzel movies after he is long gone and Im just too bored. Or watch Nicholas Cage films instead. Which is not good.

Just change the movie title. Call it : The Equalizer The Crappy Version