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Reviews
Fast X (2023)
This what happens when a series stays too long . . .
I don't believe an action film isn't any good unless there's a reasonable fist fight, a car chase and an explosion.
When the fist fights, car chases and explosions never end, it's pointless and boring. I've seen pasta sauce commercials with more plot than this stinker.
They talk about term limits for politicians. I think this movie makes a great case for limits on movie franchises. Will they make more of them until Vin Diesel needs a walker or a hip replacement?
There were two good things about this movie: the first two seemingly endless hours prepared me for a great nap, and I used a coupon from the vending machine site to watch it for free. Having said that I still feel they stole almost three hours from my life I'll never get back.
And can anyone tell me why Helen Mirren was is this bin liner of a film, other than for a cheque, that is?
So another character is returning for the next one? I don't care.
Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
The only movie I've ever seen that makes a root canal look inviting . . .
I was subjected to this piece of junk in the cinema room at my gym. To describe it as dull and pointless would be to damn with faint praise.
It was the most excruciating workout I've ever experienced . . .
Company of Heroes (2013)
Pick a cliché, any cliché . . .
What a load of hooey.
First they're in the Ardennes. Then they're in Germany, at a secret weapons test center, no less.
Then, in full uniform, they decide to hop a train to Stuttgart, in the heart of the Third Reich! Implausible, far-fetched, and inane.
Of course the one girl is attractive, and taking a bath, with the door open, in a house full of soldiers. Will someone please call Kelly McGillis, and tell her the scene from 'Witness' has just been hi-jacked.
Worst yet, except for the Thompsons and one .45, none of the weapons carried by Americans were American. What, no Garrands had made it to the Bulge? I want my seventy-five cents back . . .
Knocked Up (2007)
Watching this to the end made me feel dirty . . .
There is, for an adult or semi-mature teen-ager, nothing even the remotest bit funny about this movie.
The male lead is a loser, crude and stupid; his stoner friends lack any evidence of humour or in-sight. The female lead's sister and brother-in-law should or could be guiding personalities but they're miserable, and of no value what-so-ever.
A career woman in Katherine Heigl's position would run once she saw him while sober. Anyone who uses language like he does would not last 5 minutes in the presence of a woman with any sort of self-worth.
Pink-eye is not funny, except to the lowest of low-brows.
How hard is it for an expectant father to figure out that he needs a job and a place of his own?
If the DVD I saw hadn't come from the local library, I'd throw it in the trash where it belongs. It was free, and I still feel cheated . . .
The Legend of Zorro (2005)
Utter Crap . . .
Anyone with a modicum of knowledge of history would see right through this piece of dreck.
A great deal is made of the bad guy's Henry repeating rifle, even though it never really figures in the plot in any meaningful way, and as it was first marketed in EIGHTEEN SIXTY-0NE! The "Confederate States" & the "Southern States" are spoken of frequently once the end finally draws near.
Folks, it's 1850 and the election of Lincoln and the Civil War are a DECADE away! Apparently they had no other way to advance the diaphanous plot, so they brought the War Between the States forward TEN YEARS! At the signing of the State's papers, there is a Lincoln look-alike who hands the papers to the Governor of California. Why bother to continue to make this nebulous link to the future, 'cause Lincoln was not yet a national figure? Pinkertons in California? Yes, the Pinkertons were established in 1850, but they had no real influence until Pinkerton himself helped foil a plot against Lincoln - once again in the 1860s! Zeta-Jones is always a pleasure to watch, but Banderas is getting too fleshy to buckle a swash.
It sounds as if there will be another one, but at least I know from what I saw yesterday, there'll be no reason to squander my money again if they continue this franchise . . .
Wedding Crashers (2005)
Cute, crude, and largely illogical . . .
'Wedding Crashers' is not the sort of flick I take in very often - I am not a great a fan of crude, gross-out, low-brow humour.
This movie did have some very funny moments, especially when Vince Vaughn's Jeremy character goes off on a tangent.
The premise is interesting at best - confirmed bachelors & divorce arbitrators seeking female 'companionship' at weddings, only to avoid commitment in any form.
Of course the flick could not just be the crashing of weddings, so it evolves (sort of) into a romantic comedy where-in both our leads find true love.
The problem I had with the movie was the lack of logic displayed at various times: Distant relatives of the Secretary of the Treasury are invited to his house by the shore without their bona fides being confirmed. In reality they'd have been thoroughly vetted before getting within 20 meters of a cabinet secretary and presidential candidate.
The hot-to-trot mature mother comes on to one of the leads, presents herself in a state of semi-undress, and then . . . disappears from the plot.
This could have been an up-dated 'Mrs. Robinson' theme, and used as a bedroom farce, with people chasing other people around the house in the dead of night, but once she's had her kit off in John's presence, she fades into the back-ground.
The boyfriend, Sack, is a total, vicious psychopath, but nobody seems to notice it but our leads, and the audience. When Sack SHOOTS Jeremy, no police are called, no doctor is summoned to administer to Jeremy (nutty Gloria is chosen to extract the shot from Jeremy's behind!), and Jeremy is sitting normally within minutes. The entire hunting scene is merely gratuitous violence coupled with an incomplete thought process.
The gay son's character was totally wasted. Todd makes it plain he feels alienated from his otherwise politically correct family, and that could have been used to the advantage of one of the leads.
Just as John dances with flower girls at wedding receptions to gain favour with the admiring single women in attendance, he could have befriended Todd to display his sensitivity to Clare. Instead Todd is used as a gay cliché, climbing on top of the already trussed and helpless Jeremy.
John's drunken wedding-crashing rampage after the rejection by Clare is somewhat, if not totally, out of character. The boozing, brooding rejected boyfriend thing has been done to death.
Perhaps most perplexing is hypocritical reactions both leads display when informed their partner is in love or getting married. Jeremy rejects John's feelings at breakfast at the house by the shore; when Jeremy announces his engagement to Gloria, John insults Jeremy and tells him in no uncertain terms to leave.
If John had a shred of the intellect he'd displayed over and over again, he would have known the Jeremy - Gloria wedding activities would have given him the opportunity to get close to Clare.
Instead he looks up perennial loser and funeral crasher Chas . . .
Some of the stuff was funny, but much was just plain old ludicrous.
Kingdom of Heaven (2005)
Yes, the Blacksmith as Warrior Leader is one thing . . .
. . . but there's something else more disturbing in the plot.
Sure, the idea of a rustic French blacksmith becoming a war lord in Jerusalem without benefit of experience or education is a stretch, but there's a bigger flaw.
Upon his ascension to his late father's barony, Balian takes the vows of a knight, complete with instructions on how to be a good, true and honourable man.
Fair enough, he wants forgiveness for his sins, and those of his late wife.
Shortly there-after Sibylla, the wife of Balian's arch-enemy, Guy de Lusignan, drops by for a seduction scene. No problem for Balian . . .
Later, when war can be averted, King Baldwin and his marshal Tiberias offer Balian command of the king's army. All Balian has to do is agree to the execution of the really, really evil Guy de Lusignan and his twisted henchman Reynald.
But no! Balian is too moral to agree to the executions of the two most evil men in the Holy Land! He can sleep with the bad guy's wife and think nothing of it, but when it comes to executing two men to avert a war, all of a sudden he's taking the moral high-ground.
Balian has no problem letting thousands die needlessly, but he balks at having two real scum-bags being taken out of the equation, and this after (what some would call immorally) cuckolding Guy de Lusignan! It's ridiculous that Baldwin & Tiberias would consult with Balian rather than just deal with Guy de Lusignan and Reynald as any king under threat might do while they still could.
It's also ridiculous that the army of Jerusalem would just march out into the desert to fight Saladin, without a plan and without sufficient water. What, did they just arrive in the desert the day before? Where they so stupid that they didn't know what the desert does to marching armies? Yes, Saladin did retake Jerusalem in 1187, and he did spare the inhabitants, but there were no French blacksmiths running the defence . . .
Alexander (2004)
Not only awful, but LONG & awful . . .
Heavy-handed symbolism, wretched writing, abominable acting.
It's sad when the horse is the only positive character, and you're only hoping HE'LL die just to escape this mess.
I figured, how bad can it be for a matinée price? Well, I found out!
Why did this bomb seem to last longer than the real Alexander's actual life . . .
Oliver Stone should get of the re-writing history biz and stick to conspiracy theories.
Colin Farrell once again proves he is not strong enough to carry or lead a movie. Maybe he should stick to antagonist roles, like Bullseye.