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Frankenweenie (2012)
What a shame...
It's amazing how 30 seconds of film can ruin an entire movie... That's exactly what happened. I was more than 100% behind this movie and the last 30 seconds killed it. It WAS going towards the top of my Burton list, those 30 seconds made it go to the bottom. That may seem harsh to the random movie goer but, let's review. The entire movie is about a boy who refuses to let go of someone he loved, something we ALL have to do. Basically, those last 30 seconds, crushed everything the entire movie was about. Every kid in this movie had to let go of their pets, EVEN the little girl with the kitty, who hadn't even lost her pet yet. It's just ridiculous. Had the last 30 seconds of this movie been cut, I would've given it a 10. But to ruin everything a movie builds up to at the end just makes the entire movie pretty much useless.
Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)
Not quite the fairest in the land.
What a jumbled mess of plot holes, bad directing, and things that just plain made no sense. Add to that the fact that the main characters is one of the worst actors working today, which makes it very hard to really get into the story at all. The story was decent, but when I'm sitting there watching the movie, and contemplating like 5 other story lines on my own that would have made the movie better, you know they didn't really think the story through enough. A lot of people said Theron did an exceptional job in this movie. I disagree, she didn't do a bad job, but it really wasn't fun to watch. She mostly just acted crazy sporadically for no reason and didn't even come off as scary crazy for me.
However, all that being said, Chris Hemsworth did a great job at not just playing Thor again, which would have been easy in this movie. So kudos to him for that. And also, all the magical elements were very original, creative, and fun to watch. That's pretty much the only reason I gave this movie any stars, but it almost IS worth watching the whole thing just for those.
The Grey (2011)
"Unfit for mankind."
This movie WAS going to receive a very high score from me. It is great thriller,and even through not a "great" movie, what it did, it did well. And then the end hit, and then the entire movie fell apart in my opinion. And I'm talking the very second the black screen comes and the credits roll here.
Allow me to explain what it was like to watch The Grey. Especially since I enjoyed it so much while watching it. imagine a performer on stage. He begins by starting up a couple chainsaws and juggling them. It's amazing. Then he puts down the chainsaws, and puts up a tight rope, which he walks across on his hands. Again, amazing. Then he tells you something you just don't believe. He is now going to walk across the tight rope, on his hands, over a spike pit, while juggling chainsaws with his feet. Oh man, this you gotta see right. So the performer walks around stage, setting up the spike pit and starting the chainsaws, then, he simply walks off stage with everything set up, never to return. This, is EXACTLY how watching The Grey felt to me.
It was not a bad movie, It tried a little too hard on some of the dialog scenes I think, but, especially for a thriller, it was fun, nerve wracking, many shots were very eerie, my ability to predict who was going next was at zero, and I was ready to give the movie at least 7 or 8 stars. Then the credits rolled, and I instantly debated giving it even 1. I had to give it a couple more because, as I explained, what it did, it did well. But literally, the ENTIRE movie builds to an event they NEVER show. It is not artistic or imaginative, it's not edgy or brilliant, it's just a bad writing cope out. When the entire script is making you focus on this one thing, you don't just simply leave it out of the movie. Don't get me wrong, because I LOVED Cast Away's ending, but that didn't do what this movie did. Literally, wrote the whole movie around it, then, just neglected to put it in. A TOTAL letdown at the end.
The Room (2003)
"Nice tacks!"
The funniest thing about this movie is that Tommy Wiseu HONESTLY thinks he has created a deeply moving, well made, artistic, and deeply philosophical movie.
What he's created is a special kind of garbage. Lines that make no sense, characters and motivations that jump all over the charts from one minute to the next, green screen effects that look like they were done by a five year old, and acting that could be outdone by a stale pile of dog crap. Most annoying but funny thing in this movie? The main characters "laugh", which is used after pretty much EVERY OTHER line and then sometimes just randomly for no reason.
So with all this trash, do I wish the movie didn't exist? No way, this stuff is too bad to be simply dismissed. This movie was a blast to watch, whether you enjoy those movies that are so bad they're fun or not, I think everybody could get a kick out of The Room.
This movie was truly awful. You haven't seen a bad movie until you've experienced The Room.
Gone (2012)
90 mins of my life are Gone
... Just, don't even waste your time. Not even worth the 90 mins it is. It's not terribly bad, but it's terribly bland and predictable. It has a disappointing ending, characters that defy logic, police who have obviously never worked a case or arrested anybody before, and at one point, the ONLY way Amanda Seyfried could have escaped the cops was if she had had tele-porting powers... That actually would've made this movie much more interesting. The acting is actually very good for this type of movie, especially considering the acting ALMOST makes you forget some holes in logic... ALMOST. But like I said, it's not a terribly bad movie. It WILL keep you interested. In fact, with the disappointing ending, that's kind of a downfall for it.
Coraline (2009)
Coraline, along the same lines as a bunch of other movies, but nowhere near as good.
This is basically the stuttering, stumbling, non-sensical version of Pan's Labyrinth. A movie that feels a LOT like Tideland, but where as Tideland stayed odd the whole time and kind of found itself at the end, This movie just keeps getting more odd, and NEVER finds itself. Henrey Selnick once again is extremely unimpressive, and once again tries to rip off Tim Burton's visuals and music... it doesn't work.
About the point where Coraline's in the dream world and the two fat ladies are wearing pretty much nothing, I turned and asked, "What the hell am I watching?" This coming from a person who, as mentioned, sat through Tideland. COMPLETELY pointless and Definitely NOT a kid's movie in any way.
John Carter (2012)
John Carter. Obviously, the writers felt it unnecessary to read even the first chapter of the book.
So, I can't even make fun of this movie, it basically makes fun of itself. I'll just name some of the major stuff that peeved me about this movie.
First major peeve was, the lack of originality. This movie probably literally ripped off every sci-fi movie known to man. Just of the top of my head, I saw creatures AND entire scenes ripped off of Star Wars, Star Trek (2009), Men In Black, Avatar, AND Avatar:The Last Airbender. So, THAT alone would be enough to make me hate this steaming pile, but, then on top of that, they threw in some of the WORST dialog I've EVER heard. I mean, these crap lines RIVALED Mega Piranha in how bad they were. Throw on top of that, a story that you could probably not follow unless you read the book because it was just a jumbled mess of bad dialog and stolen scenes most of the time. Also, this movie had a HUGE budget, but some of the special effects are REALLY bad. I'm talking flying scenes where you can see the outlines around the physical objects and fight scenes where Carter's hair turns green because they didn't take the time to take out enough the background on their effects shots. So I'm talking VERY blatant, bad effects.
And then, my final point... PLOT HOLES. (OK, SLIGHT spoilers here) They have god like creatures who can shape shift into other characters, but these godlike characters rely on the Mars people to make sure their ultimate plan is achieved which... *gasp*, shocker, turns out to be their downfall. An Entire army (dressed in bright red no less) hides outside a city to attack it and NOBODY notices them... yeeeeah. Apparently also, the ONLY thing stopping the primitive race from dominating the planet was their refusal to fly. And lastly, the thing that actually started off cool, the gravity is not as strong on Mars, and John Carter, being from Earth, is not used to the lower level of gravity, which allows him to super jump and be strong. Again, that IS cool, but we learn later that it's not ACTUALLY John Carter, it's a clone of him. So, that being the case, the clone would not have known the earth's gravity, therefore, negating his super powers.
Oh, now here's a whole bunch I forgot about. John Carter himself is a shallow character, (who for some reason talks like Batman) and we NEVER learn ANYTHING about him except that he doesn't want to join a "side" for some reason that's NEVER explained. The Princess is a shallow, pointless character who didn't even NEED to be a main character. The story would've gone the EXACT same way had she not been there. The bad guys were forgettable at best. They contradict their own universe. (A character says he will crush John Carter like an un-hatched egg, yet in the beginning of the film they SHOT the un-hatched eggs) John Carter SINGLE HANDEDLY takes out an entire army of aliens with two swords, 1, with no real hand to hand training so to speak of, (I know he was a cavalry man but, come on, horse soldiers DID NOT fight like that) and 2, this is something he should've done in the FIRST PLACE TO ESCAPE HIS ORIGINAL CAPTORS. In the arena fight scene (scene ripped right off the Geonosis Arena in Star Wars Episode 2, creature designs ripped right off Star Trek-2009) he uses his chain to fling a huge rock. I'd be OK with that, except that in the scene RIGHT BEFORE THAT a rock that was the EXACT SAME SIZE was the only thing keeping him from jumping out of his cell!!!!!! Add to all that that they don't explain ANYTHING in the beginning, they do that WAY later when you're thoroughly confused, even though there was ABSOLUTELY NO REASON to keep this information from you EXCEPT to confuse you. Then add to that, every time they thought they were losing the audience they'd throw in the "spider web" symbol that kept coming up yet, had no actual meaning or purpose to anything in the end. So, as you can tell, this movie was MORE than frustrating to me. But it was great fun to laugh at and make fun of
somehow I don't think that's what the makers were going for though.
Wrath of the Titans (2012)
Crash of the Titans
This is what you get when you let bad writers, write a bad screenplay, for a sequel to a good movie, and put it in the hands of a bad director. All the good actors and special effects in the world can't save it. There's a lot I'd like to say about this, but, ah heck, there's not enough story to ruin. Here goes.
One thing I liked was they brought the equivalent of Burgess Meredith's character into this one, played awesomely by Bill Nighy, but that sadly doesn't save the rest of this mess. For the rest, they go right back to the formula that bugged me in the original, (and that I liked that they did away with for the remake) a bunch of random events that kind of mix into a main story at some point.
Opening scene, they take away the wife Perseus had at the end of the first one. They also make his motivation not that he doesn't want to be a god, or not have anything to do with the gods, but now it's that he thinks he's too human to be a god... So basically, EVERYTHING the first one does, this one turns on it's head. Basically, this should've just been its own movie, it was 100% pointless to make this a sequel. Something that really bugged me was, why not keep Perseus awesome sword from Zeus and shield from the scorpion in this one? Who would get rid of such great weapons? Aries is treated like a god even though he is only a half god like Perseus, which just makes no sense. In this one, they put the princess back into the action like in the original, which actually makes sense for this one and would be cool, if she ever actually did ANYTHING. The love interest is non-existent through the movie and then jumps out of nowhere in the last 3 minutes of the film. Where the first one had a lot of great characters and motivation in the team, and really felt like a buddy journey film, this one was just a bunch of red shirts that die off fairly quickly and are very forgettable anyway. The titans were very underwhelming, even boring. The only cool one was the first one that was on EVERY commercial and billboard. The last "Titan" moved so darn slow that I have no idea why they even had to hold it back, it would take the thing a freakin year just to move a mile. Then we get to the gods. They introduce weapons that are super important, yet were never even seen in the first one. Maybe a line or two of dialog as to why they didn't use them in the first one? They only use them on other gods? ANY bad excuse would've done! Also in the first one, the gods had freaking AWESOME war armor even though they never fought. So why in this one, where they DO fight, did their armor look like it was designed by Arnie Grape? The hardest part of watching this movie is trying to figure out which is worse, the writing, or the directing. Sequels like this should just not be made.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)
******
OK. First, lets get this out of the way cause I don't want to hear it... YES, its a ridiculous premise. I know that, you know that, the world knows that, and the people who made the movie know that. Now that thats out of the way, it actually was very entertaining. Only huge problem, and I almost want to say I even docked it a star for it, was... it took FOREVER to get started. Seriously, you expect movies to start out slow in the beginning, but for some reason this movie moved at like, twice the slowness of a normal movie, and that did get very irritating. There was also a rather large jolt in the timeline I felt could've easily been avoided, but still, it was pretty solid story and action once you got through the beginning. The actor who played Lincoln, whose name I sadly don't know, actually turned in a solid performance. And, as with EVERY movie I see him in, Dominic Cooper once again redefined the fact that he's much more than just a solid actor. I do have some minor quibbles with the story, such as Alan Tudyk's character being completely pointless, (but I LOVE Tudyk so that was like a win lose for me) but it was pretty solid entertainment. Hope to see more, hopefully a little better done stuff from this director.
The Woman in Black (2012)
***
An extraordinarily below average film. That seems like a contradictory statement but I can think of nothing more true of this movie. It was not horribly bad, but literally after having JUST watched it, nothing about it really stands out or is even really memorable to me. It was pretty spooky with the kind of creepy scares that I like, stuff behind him that moves, etc. The shadows/lighting of the film were also generally good. But the story was more than boring, the characters shallow and pretty meaningless. On the bright side, Daniel Radcliff was not terribly bad, but again, he didn't have much to work with. Plus the ending just made the entire movie seem completely pointless, which it obviously was.
Watchmen (2009)
*
Go read the graphic novel. The graphic novel is beyond amazing. This movie adds nothing to it, it only takes away. Completely un-imaginative, every frame of the movie is straight from the comic book. Normally this would be a good thing, but not when you do it with a complete lack of your own creativity. The only really good things were the cast and effects, but the director's idea of what the movie was about doomed it's existence from conception. He thought that the ENTIRE story was about the guy getting away with killing all those people. Really? The message is clearly stamped on every page of the graphic novel. How could you miss it and think that the story was about something as obscure as that? Zack Snyder, you did an exceptional job on 300, but tell you what, take that annoying lisp of yours, shove it up your butt, fart, and then write a script about that. It'll probably turn out better and it's not as easy to miss the point of the story. Even if that were all good, this movie would still be doomed, they spent way too much time and emphasis on the nude/sex scenes and way too little were spent on the few action scenes they had. I would totally categorize this as an action/adventure porno. Just all around, the attention was put in the wrong places. Snyder refused to put cloths on Dr. Manhattan cause "that's the way it is in the comics and I want to stay true to them" yet he felt it was still staying true to the comics by cutting out one of the biggest events in the book, cutting out characters entirely, and completely changing the ending. Yeah, that makes sense. If he'd have stuck true to the other stuff and put Speedos on Manhattan, I really don't think anyone would have cared.
Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
*
Stanley Kubrick's "final masterpiece" is just like all his other movies... Boring scenes that last too long, with some hint that he was trying to say something but probably lost it in the midst of filming the pointless nude and sex scenes, but with some interesting unforgettable iconic images. I don't understand why people hail him as one of the best directors ever. I'll never know. He certainly knew how to make good films, I just don't think he practiced it all that much. Plus, I'm always being told how he was a stickler for details and would shot entire scenes if something went wrong, but I CONSTANTLY find shadowing and crew reflections in his "masterpieces. I just don't get it. Other than some of the camera work, Spartacus, and The Shinning, Kubrick is the most over-rated "professional" in any field I know. Bar none.
Deep Blue Sea (1999)
*
Horrible. It's not even so bad that it becomes funny, it's just bad. It takes itself epicly through the whole movie when in all reality, you really don't care, you just want to see sharks attack. But then, these sharks that they show you take up like half the ocean are suddenly able to maneuver through the corridors of the underwater lab.Then, these sharks, that have become SO SMART that they have engineered the entire escapade to escape, after being 2 seconds from freedom, are lured away by a little blood to their ultimate demise. I could understand if the movie was trying to be funny, but it didn't allow itself to be funny and just became non sensical. The only fun part was after Sam Jackson's big speech. And LL Cool J as the comic relief, he was just trying WAY too hard to be funny, which again, just made it boring instead of funny. I really wanted to enjoy the obscenity of the movie, but in the end it was all too forced to make it funny in any way, instead just making it more and more ridiculous and boring.
Psycho (1998)
*
DO NOT waste anything on this. Watch the original. All this "re-make" does, is TRY to copy, shot for shot, line for line, set for set, the original, and you can tell. It's all EXACTLY the same, but with worse acting. Oh, and they added stuff. Like sounds of people having sex in the other room to the first scene, and the sound of Bates pleasuring himself in another scene, you know, IMPORTANT STUFF that changes the ENTIRE DYNAMIC of the movie. Oh, and the reveal at the end, 100 times worse than the first. Now, don't get me wrong, I love pretty much EVERY actor in this film, but I guess it just goes to show that you actually have to have something worth shooting, even if you do have good actors. Oh, and all the good CLASSIC scenes they shot, not only did they not better them, they RUINED them by using bad takes and cutting away. Like the pulling down the shower curtain and the car sinking (which is so OBVIOUSLY on a rig it's ridiculous that it's in the film). And Vaughn, I love him, but he tried WAY too hard to make Bates seem odd instead of just letting him be that way. All in all, a HUGE waste, don't get sucked in. ANYTHING this movie does, the original does 10 times better. Screw color copies, watch the original.