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Elijah_Chandler
Reviews
The Quick and the Undead (2006)
Not Awful
There are a lot of really really bad zombie movies out there. In fact, in a recent study, the UCLA School of Theater, Film, and Television found that for every Romero zombie film there are approximately 112 horrible knock offs (I made that up, I have no idea what the actual ratio is). To be honest and blunt, The Quick and the Undead is a Romero knock off. Accept that. It's full of zombie clichés, sub par writing, and the atypical way-the-hell-over the top gory makeup you've come to expect from a low budget feature such as this. What makes this movie tolerable? What sets it apart from its brethren films (like Dead and Deader)? A great idea. In fact, I'll go so far as to call it a fantastic idea. Nearly every zombie flick out there tries to deal with the issue of identifying the zombie uprising, figuring out what caused it, then surviving for the next 45 minutes until the credits mercifully roll. However, in this film we don't care about how it happened or why, we only know that it DID happen and the world as we know it was changed irrevocably. This movie attempts to tell the story of what happens after the fall of man, when homo sapien is replaced by homo mortus and the few surviving humans must try to piece together a life in which they are no longer at the top of the food chain. Like I said, FANTASTIC IDEA. THe premise alone makes this film tolerable. It's not great, and it has plenty of groan inducing moments (as well as a copious amount of WTF?! causing dialogue) but if you give this movie a chance I think you'll find it to be adequate for your week night diversion needs. Just ignore the bad Clint Eastwood impression...
Hexed (1993)
Great Flick
You know that movie you only started watching because Showtime said that there were boobies in it? This is that movie. I started watching this movie 15 years ago, quite literally, because of that Showtime warning and finished watching it because it's freaking great. The actors have great chemistry together, it's just over the top enough to be ridiculous but not absurd, and it's got Gunnery Sgt. Hartman ("... your senior drill instructor. From now on the first and last words out your mouths will be sir. Do you maggots understand?") in a great supporting role! OH AND NORMAN FREAKING FELL is in it! If anyone out there can make a movie as good as this with the same budget (16 dollars and a roll of duct tape according to my sources), I'll buy you a beer. Seriously. Just send me a self addressed stamped envelope along with a DVD (REGION 1 or Region Free) of your movie and 38 dollars for the shipping/handling of your free beer and I'll get it out to you.
Dead Moon Rising (2007)
I am So -BLAM!- ing Disappointed
Let's get some things out of the way: I was born, and spent a lot of my youth, in Louisville, Kentucky and it was very cool to see a movie shot there (last one I can think of was STRIPES). Also, I LOVE Zombie Flicks. See how I capitalized Zombie Flick? Look, I did it again! I'm also a fledgling movie producer of really dumb short films, and not half bad industrial films. (http://www.youtube.com/elcheapofilms) On to my review... I tried, tried, TRIED to like this movie but I couldn't. The lighting was bad, the plot was shaky at best, and the acting... oh the acting. How could you live in a city that holds the best Off-Broadway theatre troupe in the country (Actors Theatre) and have acting this bad? It's got a motorcycle gang, Zombies, and SCANTILY CLAD WOMEN! What happened?! You know what really gets me though? I've got a script sitting right next to me for a great little Zombie Flick and now the absolute best title I've ever heard for a non-Romero Zombie Flick has been taken. 'Dead Moon Rising'? Are you kidding me?! That title is so brilliant it earned them an extra star (and they only got two folks)! Also, check out that poster! It's like Evil Dead meets Duke Nukem (ED+DN=AWESOME). You've cut me deep Producers of Dead Moon Rising, you've cut me deep.
Jump Cut (1993)
Ouch, that hurt
Being (somewhat) an independent filmmaker myself, I really understand what these guys were trying to do and it sounds like a good idea. On paper. On 16mm film, however, it's awful. I didn't realize the thing was made in the mid 90's because the film was so grainy and bad I would have sworn this was one of those 30 year old flicks where a porn producer tried to go mainstream. And the sound! Ugh, I don't know what kind of mic they were using to record but it sounds like someone is walking over dead leaves throughout the entire thing. I guess I shouldn't judge too harshly, after all, how many feature films has MY company put out? None, but I'd like to think that we'd at least have good picture and sound quality to go with our poor acting, writing, and directing. A+ for idea, F-- for execution.
Maboroshi kurozukin - yami ni tobu kage (1967)
I didn't know it was so easy to be a Ninja!
Holy crap, Ninjas are awesome! I mean, they're the pinnacle of cool. On a scale of 1 to 100, Ninjas are totally kick ass! OK, here's the deal: there's this black guy who, despite all common sense evidence to the contrary, has been trained in the awesome art of Ninjitsu. He of course wears a purple and yellow outfit that he can change into by throwing a magical costume changing ball onto the ground in front of him. Also, if he ever needs a weapon or an awesome Ninja sandwich all he has to do is wave his awesome Ninja arms around in circles and it totally appears in hands. I can't do that. Can you? OF COURSE NOT! We're not completely bad ass ninjas! Somehow, and I'm serious when I say I'm not sure how, he gets involved in some dumb plot or another and hooks up with another improbably cool Ninja, this time a white guy from New York. Personally I had no idea that there were other Ninjas besides Storm Shadow living in New York. The title of this film really should have been "Ebony and Ivory Ninjas Who Kick Total Butt On Anyone Who Doesn't Respect Their Awesomeness" but I guess the producers knew what they were doing. There's also two bad Ninjas who appear to be white Frenchmen. I don't think they were real Ninjas though, because all the did was wave their arms about, get some new awesome Ninja weapons, and then retreat like the Frenchies they are. To my utter surprise, I don't think there was one Asian Ninja in the whole film. I guess that would probably be to much awesome for one film.
The Breed (2001)
I just don't know what to say.
Wait a minute... yes I do.
The director of 'The Breed' has obviously seen Terry Gilliam's 'Brazil' a few too many times and asked himself the question, "If 'Brazil' had been an ill-conceived tale about vampires in the near future, what would it be like?" Well, I'll tell ya, it'd be like 91 minutes of a Swedish whore kicking you in the groin, only not as satisfying. The dialogue was laced with gratuitous curse words and trite one-liners, and whoever edited this piece of crap should be shot. I have no real idea of exactly how the whole thing ended because I'm not really sure what happened during the first part of the film. With so many subplots your head begins to hurt and so much bad acting your head wants to explode this movie should only be viewed with large quantities of beer and at least two other people you can MST3K with. The only thing that made me not stab myself in the eye with a dirty soup spoon was this line: Evil Doctor Guy: "That's it, you are not James Bond, and I am not Blofeld. No more explanations!" Dude From Jason's Lyric: "I'm getting paid scale!" The cinematography was shaky at best and the acting was putrid. Also, what was with all the pseudo-1984 posters and PA announcements? The costumes were from the 50's, the cars were from the 60's, the music was from the 90's and I wish I were dead. This movie sucks.
Shakespeare Behind Bars (2005)
A fantastic documentary that everyone should see. Everyone.
My father was the warden of the prison (he is retired now) showcased in this documentary and I've grown up around the prison life, so perhaps my views will be totally different from everyone else who watches this movie. I will say this, the filmmakers who brought us this 93-minute miracle are fantastic artists and even better people. They were brave enough to A) Show up and tell this story, B) Get inside these inmates minds and hearts, and C) Do all of this responsibly. Responsible to their art and, more importantly, responsible to the inmates and staff of Luther Luckett Correctional Complex. They should be commended without end for this work. To take 170 hours, yes HOURS, of footage and be able to cut and whittle it down to 93 riveting minutes is nothing short of extraordinary and they have my utmost respect.
I saw this film under circumstances that only a very, very few were able to see it. I was at the inmate screening. I was in the same room with these men as they watched their hearts being poured out on screen. I saw men crying on television crying in the chair in front of me and let me tell you, it was a very profound experience. These men have committed horrendous crimes in some cases, yet have found ways to try to redeem themselves, even if they view themselves as unredeemable. How many of us have the courage to do this? How many people could do what they have done in such a harsh environment? To see them react to the film was an experience I am eternally grateful for, and I will never forget that. I thank the men who allowed me this glimpse into their lives, I thank my father for making ALL of this possible, and I thank Philomath Films for taking the time to pour their blood, sweat, soul, and tears into this project.
This movie will change everything you think you know about prison life, and the inmates held within it. 'Oz' is not real, television is not real. 'Shakespeare Behind Bars' is.
Justice League of America (1997)
There's a reason it didn't get picked up.
This laughable TV pilot features the awesomest of the awesome from the DC comic universe, or it was supposed to anyway. With the rights to Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman all tied up in Hollywood and no one really giving a damn about Aquaman (possibly the lamest of all of DC's characters) the creators of this show had to fall back on the made-up-for-Super Friends heroes that no one really liked and the underused characters that no one really cares about anyway. Fire and Ice were only around in the Super Friends cartoons as far as I know, and it probably should have stayed that way. The Atom was a horrible choice for a Justice league member, and his costume was stupid. Guy Gardener as the Green Lantern? Why not Hal Jordan? J'onn J'onzz as the leader of JLA? And why was The Flash (Barry Allen at least) a complete putz? This piece of tripe was a huge disappointment from beginning to end, only enjoyable to those of us who love to make fun of bad TV and cinema.
Still, if you're a collector, you should try to pick this up at a flea market or comic con. It'll sate the hunger of the inner-fanboy.
Captain America (1990)
For fanboys and girls only.
First of all, who knew that famed reclusive J.D. Salinger even had a son, let alone a B-Movie actor son? That's right, the actor who plays Steve Rogers/Capt. America is Matt Salinger, son of the aforementioned author of "Catcher in the Rye". About the movie though. I wouldn't rate this as a horrible movie, but it sure wasn't good. Salinger did an OK job as the Cap but his acting prowess wasn't quite good enough to pull off the 50's guy coping with the 90's lifestyle the script called for. And the Red Skull? How do you mess that up?! He's one of the scariest freaking villains in all of comicdom, how could you go wrong? Oh, buy making him a Caucasian Greek mob boss, that's how. I would only recommend this film to die hard fans of the cap or true movie geeks. I happen to be both so I made myself find some good qualities (but it was really, really hard).
As for those of you who share my affinity for comics and bad movies but can't seem to get their hands on this gem, I can only tell you that it's been out of print for more than a decade now and your best bet is to find it at the next comic con in your area or at a flea market that sells bootleg tapes (ditto that for the Fantastic Four movie from '94).
The Fantastic Four (1994)
That's right, I like this movie!
OK, the special effects are hideous (even for a mid-90's Roger Corman film), and it's about as campy as the original 1960's comics, but I still enjoy this movie. The acting in it wasn't stellar, but it wasn't really bad either. It's reported that this movie was only made so it's production company could keep the rights to it for another five years and if that's the case, they did a pretty good job on their 5 dollar budget. *SPOILER* I thought adding the Mole Man sequence was a bit superfluous but other than that the movie really had a coherent plot and it was executed well. The problem was, again, a 5 dollar budget and no desire at all from its studio to see it do well. Had they pumped more money into it for special effects (i.e. Mr. Fantastic stretching and the Human Torch burning/flying), and actually released it this movie probably would have made some money. Not much, but it would have been better than both "Batman and Robin" and "Godzilla" which came out around the same time (give or take a year or three). If you can find it at a comic convention or at some flea market booth, I'd drop the 10-15 bucks it'll cost ya so you can view another take on the whole FF saga before the 2005 version comes out. Beware though, you'll probably be buying a copy of a copy of a copy so don't be disappointed if the quality ain't great.
Reign in Darkness (2002)
Egads!
OK, first things first, let me get a little rant out of the way: IF YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE AN EX-SPECIAL FORCES BOUNTY HUNTER IN YOUR MOVIE MAKE SURE HE OR SHE CAN ACTUALLY SPEAK IN THE DIALECT YOU WANT THEM TO! The Aussie trying to talk like an Alabama native was, quite possibly, the dumbest idea in cinema history. Except for casting Judge Reinhold as a Black Ops officer in "Project: Human Weapon".
The cinematography wasn't all that bad (except the part where I could actually see the rig they used to lift people off the ground) and it showed what the future of Independent Film will look like (sharp, clear, and almost as good as the studios) but the people behind the camera must've blown their camera budget on that awful looking Kevlar vest thing because instead of buying a red lens filter to simulate night time they just turned the contrast on the camera WAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY down. Awful. So, yeah, it looked OK despite having a couple of glaring mistakes but that simply wasn't enough to save a horribly written, shoddily directed, badly acted piece of Australian crap.
Mindstorm (2001)
It Ain't High Art, That's For Sure.
OK, here are the two biggest problems with this movie: Judge Reinhold and the sibling sub-plot. Nothing against Judge Reinhold, he's a decent enough actor when it comes to lighter fare like fathers inhabiting their sons bodies or flinging coffee into a robbers face but in this film we're expected to believe that Judge Reinhold is an ex-Black Ops Officer? Sorry, no. Knowing that Judge took this role to pay the rent and get a free trip to Bulgaria makes it a bit more forgivable from his point of view, but the casting director really should have gone for a younger, more athletic B-movie actor, like Antonio Sabato Jr. Sorry Mr. Reinhold, no hard feelings.
Also, what was with the sister?! Her accent was waaayyyy too thick (to the point that I couldn't understand what she was saying and with the lack of subtitles written into the DVD...) and her character was useless save for the fact that she provides a way to end the movie. Why not make Jerry an only child and develop a love interest. Same actress (dubbed over of course), different character name, and an extra ten minutes spent on explaining how/why they hook up. The ten minutes could easily have been lost from the "map" chase scene.
Even the fact that most of the aircraft featured in the film were CGI didn't bother me as they did a decent job on their surely shoe-string budget.
All in all, I'd have to say that this movie wasn't so bad. If USA still ran their "Up All Night" showcase of B-Movies I would have watched it and enjoyed it thoroughly.