CapDac Reviews

Napoleon Dynamite (2004)

Don't bother

[1/10 · 30 January 2006]

OK, this movie got a lot of great press. Everyone was praising it, calling it a great movie. So when the stepsister rented it, I sat down and watched it.

I want my 75 minutes back.

I fail to see what is soo good in any way, shape or form about this hour-long session of people staring at the camera blankly (no, not the audience, the acting).

I was honestly surprised by Napoleon Dynamite. It was so bad, I could hardly believe what I was seeing. There are no characters, just a few stereotypes wandering around. By the end of it, they all looked the same and spoke in the same monotone I was having trouble telling everyone apart.

The extent of the character development was giving each character a name and an occupation or hobby, and that's about it.

There was no real plot, and none of the characters seemed to have any motivation. In fact, the only good thing about the movie - the final dance scene - just began on its own, coming from nowhere with a pounding track. While I was watching this movie I kept asking "Where is this happening? What's going on?" The acting was high school drama quality, with stiff wooden delivery, as though the actors were reading from cue cards without comprehending their lines. Their trouble delivering lines was made even more obvious by horrible sound design. The limited ADR sounded like it was recorded in an open room. And to cap it all off, half the actors didn't even bother opening their mouths when they spoke.

The actors were constantly taking obvious care to hit their marks, looking almost robotic in their movements. So, these listless automatons are whisked through a series of implausible and confusing scenarios, often without even the benefit of transition scenes. They were here, now they're there. This was happening, now that's happening. Random scenes with little rhyme or reason.

This movie made absolutely no sense. The whole fiasco was polished by the fact that there was no ending. The Peruvian kid, or Spanish, or Mexican, or whatever the hell he was (no one actually mentioned his home country's name in comprehensible English) was running for school captain, and had to perform a skit. Napoleon dances. Suddenly we see the ethnic (for want of a better word) guy cutting a cake. Then we see the sleazy uncle (whose character had a tiny gleam of promise which was flushed down the toilet anyway) practicing football as though it's a new thing, despite the fact that he spent a quarter of the movie doing the same thing. Then suddenly Napoleon and his girlfriend are playing ball. There's no resolution of the under-focused conflict that supposedly went on between them (the uncle might have suggested that Napoleon wanted her less flat-chested, or Napoleon could have suggested she cram a spoon into one of her pores, I have a hard time telling which), and everything's just happy dandy

This film made no sense! Why does it get such praise? No one has yet to give me any convincing reasons, but after asking about a hundred people "Why is it so good" you'd think I could get more than "It just is!" Not even worth renting. Being perfectly honest, this film makes one of Uwe Boll's look like Shakespeare!

Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004)

Horribly rushed

[1/10 · 20 November 2005]

I'm not usually one to slap a one-star rating on something, but after watching this film I'm obligated to.

The film revolves around a group of scientists looking for a plant that can create a chemical that extends life expectancy. Well well, as if THAT idea hasn't been done to death, especially after Harry Potter. But that was the least of my worries.

10 minutes in, every character has appeared. The plot has been set out. This seemed waaayy too rushed, as though the scriptwriters and director said "let's get this out of the way ASAP so we can get to the good stuff". So all the characters are rushed in, named (actually, some of them didn't even get that) and slapped onto the boat. What's more, they're all clichés. There's the sexy female scientist; the sleaze who tries to hit on her; the token black guy (no offence meant to anyone, but that about sums Cole up); the native knowledge-house; the prissy gets-tense-if-anything-gets-even-remotely-weird yuppy; the gritty boat-captain; and the cowardly executive. That's the dream team. And right from the start, it was obvious which ones would die, and which ones would live.

So, after this dream team gets stuffed into the start (which, I must reiterate, was as rushed as Jurassic Park 3), we have the whole 'monster is watching them' thing, courtesy of the monkey, which we think is dead. But no, just like JP3 again, it's alive. Huh. Then there's a croc attack, with a lot of Jaws-like underwater shots, and after that's over, we have ANOTHER cliché: the dead croc is mysteriously dragged underwater by something we don't see. I wonder what? What follows is your typical 'Our ride is busted. Let's call for help. Help comes but is killed all too soon. Let's try and make our own way out. Along the way there is separations, and someone betrays the rest in order to get something, but is killed themself in the process, the survivors escape'. Derived heavily from Aliens, and to a lesser extent other films, all of which are much better than this. Extremely predictable all the way through: the deaths, the 'twists' and the attempt-to-be-funny lines.

The acting was sub-par at best. Johnny Messner and Matthew Marsden had their moments, as did Karl Yune. Apart from these three, the cast was a severe drag. Admittedly, they didn't have a great script to work with, but still, they failed to save this film Special effects and shots were dull. The underwater stuff was heavily 'borrowed' from Jaws. The CGI work was decent, but didn't look as good as it could have done. And the shots of the snake's body parts, but not its head, was taken from films like Predator, Alien, Jurassic Park, and of course Jaws again. This film had a penchant for taking things from other films.

Ignoring these, it can be enjoyable; you just have to look past all the annoying details and try to just enjoy the mindless fun. That'd just take a lot of work. In the end we have a typical monster-action flick that ultimately fails to deliver in its very premise. It had a promising theme, but it didn't pick up on what it could have been. If you're feeling like renting a monster-movie or something of the sort, ignore this one and pick up one of the ones it dug at

1/10

Thunderstruck (2004)

Awesome Aussie adventure

[10/10 · 12 November 2005]

This film was a really interesting spin. Flicking through the channels, I found it, and the very next day I went out and bought the DVD. If you haven't seen it, it's well worth it. See it now

It isn't often that my home country comes out with a movie like this, but it does happen (The Castle, anyone?). It's about five AC/DC fans and their fanaticism, and a promise they make to each other, which they insist on keeping to each other years later

First off, the acting. The spotlight performance was easily Stephen Curry as Ben; he handled being the loser-percussionist-smartass to the furthest extent, and delivers some of the funniest (albeit cynical) lines of the movie. Ryan Johnson's Lloyd is a bit weird, but his actions speak louder than his words (seeing as half of them are swears) and he handles that all right. Damon Gameau as Sonnie seemed a bit flat at times, but in some scenes he overshone even Curry. Admittedly, Sam Worthington's Ronnie and Callan Mulvey's Sam received a bit less development than their friends, but both had their moments. The confrontation of the wheelchair group was entertaining to the last. There were a few interesting cameos along the way; Geoff Gallop, the Western Australia Premier as himself was a bit of a surprise. No one would be at all surprised to know that AC/DC also played themselves in this fan-fest, but a real shocker was the appearance of John Doyle (aka Roy, from Roy and HG) in his brief but hilarious appearance.

The script and directing were very satisfying. This sort of story has admittedly been done before, but the script was full of enough plot twists to keep one interested (who expected Jason Gann and Shaun Angus Hall to appear as a pair of obsessive, utterly misguided ACDC fans?) and Darren Ashton proved himself a very competent director. I look forward to seeing his future work

Most of the flashback scenes can bring tears of your laughter to your eyes; particularly those of Sonnie and Sam's past occupations. They really help the story flowing as they gave the characters more background, but didn't detract from the story by dwelling too much on them.The opening scene of the ACDC Tour Concert in '91 was also interesting, and set the scene really well. It took me a couple of times to watch it before I realised the significance of the hat, but that sort of thing makes you want to watch it again, to see if you missed much else.

In short, a great watch, and well worth picking up. If you are an ACDC fan, this film is a must. If you aren't, it's a should.

8/10

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)

Long, but not long enough

[10/10 · 29 December 2003]

Well, at long last, I have seen The Return of the King. Need you really ask? That was the single greatest film in the history of the earth!!!!

Well, I really should get the bad stuff out of the way first, so then you can read the rest of my review with a clean slate.

The scene where Arwen saw Eldarion. That was about as needed as horse dung on your front doorstep. Just carrying on the needlessness. They didn't need any scenes with Rivendell in TTT, and they carried on in this film. Sure, the reforging of Narsil, becoming Anduril, was important, but the rest was entirely not. I'd like to say naught more about this

And of course, the cuts. The Mouth of Sauron. His taunting was sorely missed, but I can't say much about the poor guy. Pity, he really was a badass. The houses of Healing was an obvious loss, but perhaps not as serious to me as it could have been. Overborne by the other cuts, really; namely, the Watchers. We had a brief glimpse of them as Sam entered Cirith Ungol's tower, but no more. Bugger. The Woses were an unfortunate downblow (is that a word?), because they added to Rohan, and Theoden was essentially guided by them to the Pellenor. Oh well. Poor wild men. And my most unfavoured loss of all: SARUMAN! The White Wizard...well, the original White Wizard. I could hear people behind me (between the constant crunching of chip packets) saying "Where's the evil wizard guy, and his worm sidekick?" I really think the Rivendell should have been dropped in favour of poor Saruman.

That's the bad stuff, now here's the good parts

When I saw Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, I saw the giant spiders and I thought 'Jeez, they did well on those!' Having seen the mighty Shelob, she not only chewed up and spat out the Harry Potter spiders, but she chewed them up again and shat them on Frodo's face with the webbing. She was done as good as you can get, and though I despise spiders I have to admit she looked bloody amazing. Admittedly, she didn't look exactly like a standard spider, but who really gives a damn?

The expressions all said many words. Most of them said "Oh, sweet crap!" Most notably Theoden's when the Witch-King gave him the jump. Speaking of Witchy, there is no denying that he was done amazingly. About time the Nazgul did more than screech. Hissing and snarling all the way, with a few words. And his tussle with Eowyn was brilliant. The Fell Beast decapitated, but Witchy still has a mace and he introduced it to Eowyn's arm. Brilliant. And his death ruled ass. Say what you will about Eowyn's "I am no man!" line, I thought it was great

Another of those s***-scared expressions was the orcs at the pirate ships. Say hello to the Dead Men of Dunharrow, who were done better than Shelob. Ghosty boys, meet the Deformed. Guess whose arses get the s*** kicked out of them? Orcies go bye-bye, spirits rule! Words alone are not enough for the Dead Men; they deserve more

This is all going on at the same time as the Pellenor Battle, and what a battle it was! With the Olog-Hai marching the siege towers in, and 200,000 orcs alongside, you have a battle that makes the battles of Helm's Deep and possibly Hastings alike look like barroom brawls. Gothmog of the orcs, cool and confident while a boulder is flying for him and his face is retarded. He was a cool orc. Not to mention Grond, the battering ram of the Mordor forces, truly a spectacular sight to behold. And lastly, the Mumakil, all wreaking havoc on the Rohirrim. But do the Riders of Rohan back down? Hell no! Looks like the Oliphaunts got more than they bargained for; especially as one spear, courtesy of Eomer, brought down two Mumakil. And then Legolas joins the fray, and single-handedly brings down an Oliphaunt and all its passengers, and ends the spree with the death of the beast. And literally everyone in the cinema laughed at Gimli's "It still only counts as one!" Classy.

And then the constant cycle between the Black Gate and Mount Doom, as Gondor and Rohan fight Mordor, and Frodo and Sam fight Gollum, with a two against one on both sides (although Frodo pissbolts for the Sammath Naur soon after it begins). Truly magnificent, especially when Gollum makes true the Nine-Fingered Frodo and takes the Ring into Orodruin for the last time. Frodo's topple surprised me, but I knew he wasn't gone like Gollum.

The Black Gate was every bit as marvellous. Aragorn charges for his enemies. No one else does anything. Then we see a pair of midgets run forth, and not until they're gone does everyone else hit show time. Then the Hobbits get trampled a bit. Oh well. The hole opening up, swallowing the Morannon and the Mordor forces, was awesome; sucks be to the orcs. The Nazgul swoop and plunge, and we are in true awe of the eight dying. But all of this is in true shadow of the real destruction: down comes Barad-Dur, the Downfall of Sauron the Sorceror, with Mount Doom exploding. Words cannot describe the magnificence of this.

For the previous two films, I had not thought much about Sean Astin as an actor. I didn't much think of him as one of the best. But in this film, he more than redeemed himself. His cry of "Let him go, you filth!" prior to his battle with Shelob, and then his assault on the tower of Cirith Ungol, and everything after the destruction of the Ring, was marvellous.

I could go on, but I can't for now. I'd like to add in more, there's so much more I'd like to say, but I can't. So in conclusion, I'd be giving this film 99.5 out of 100. It is truly a work of art