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Reviews
War of the Worlds (2019)
Characters Are Impossible to Like
Update... this is about as woke as it gets... in sick of having this virtue signaling drivel rammed down my throat. Not one of the characters are remotely likeable. They all come across as neurotic and emotionally stunted. Even the kids are utterly irritating gob sh##es who need a clip around the ear. I suppose being a French production, it's par for the course. The characters literally couldn't be more generic and middle class if they tried. I have a feeling that this series wanted to make some kind of politically correct statement about race or class, but that it didn't really have the balls or the intelligence to see either of them through... although it does repeatedly make ham fisted attempts to. Give this a miss...
Choose or Die (2022)
Brit flick...
You know you're dealing with a Brit flick when the acting is wooden, script is beyond dreadful and the sets are all desperately over lit and everything looks brand spanking new... As a Brit myself, I just cringe...
The Cellar (2022)
Drivel
I don't know about you... But when the actions of characters in a film don't make any sense, let alone the story, this generally means its drivel. I think the elevator pitch for this film went sunbathing along the lines if... Something about maths, something about evil, something about stairs.... Just utter gibberish.
The Quiet Hour (2014)
Just short of an hour...
53 minutes to be exact. That's how long I could cope with this tediumfest. I'm not really sure what else to say.... I'm not sure what this film even wants to be.. but all I can say is that as usual for a British/Irish (I don't actually care) film, the delivery is stilted, everything is in close-up, the dramatics are amateur and every scene is shockingly over lit... It puts me in mind of that Simpsons episode where they decide British film... Condensation...
Shookum Hills (2021)
Utterly awful
There is literally a blinding mistake in every single scene. The lighting is terrible. The plot is entirely nonsensical. There are more clichés than anything else. One of the worst films I've seen in a long time. Don't waste your time.
A Quiet Place Part II (2020)
Boring, drawn out, clichéd, nonsensical drivel
If you removed the shots of the characters tiptoeing around, it would be over in 10 minutes. Don't waste your time or your money. Oh, and the review in the media are clearly fake. One of the worst films I've seen in a very long time.
Army of the Dead (2021)
Have they all had terrible surgery?
I really couldn't concentrate on this film. Aside from it being terrible, I just couldn't stop looking at the main character's plastic surgery. I mean he's had so many face lifts that his eyes are on his forehead and his nipples are in his chin.... He needs to sack his surgeon.
Ghost Wars (2017)
If you're brain dead you'll love this...
4 episodes in and it's becoming clear that the writer has probably only ever been a writer... I remember when I was a kid and in English class we were given an essay to write that would explain to an alien who looked like me how to live my life. Of course, it was total nonsense because I was 10.... this has the same feeling. It's as though a 10 year old has a story to tell but they don't really know anything about life so, on the surface of it, everything makes sense, but when you actually engage you're brain, you can't help but have constant 'urgh... that is so stupid...' moments. 10 stars if you like mindless scripts... 5 stars o you like the scenery.
Dark Encounter (2019)
5 Stars For The Production...
The production values of this film are 10 stars. But the story is utterly horrific. Average? 5 stars. The cinematography is great, the staging is great, the costume and set design are great, the makeup is great, the music is great, the story....... SERIOUSLY AWFUL. I could point out holes in it all day. It really is such.a shame... it looks to me like a film that was funded well, had a great team who did their absolute best but were let down by the person who mattered most.... what a shame....
The Rain (2018)
I really enjoyed this... stick with it...
Okay, so I know that everyone thinks the 'stick with it' reviews are fake... but actually... stick with it. I watched Series 1 and then lost interest after a few episodes. I went back to it a couple of months later and I can safely say that it gets MUCH better and series 2 is really good. I watched with English subtitles, so I might not be in a position to appreciate others' comments who found the script lacking - I didn't, in all honesty. I found the story engaging and I was drawn in emotionally too. Stand out performances from Alba August and Jessica Dinnage really made it for me - the later being a superb actor full of idiosyncratic charm and relateability (yeah, that's not even a word... I know). Roll on series 3.
3% (2016)
Just nonsense...
This is essentially mindless drivel that is poorly executed with terrible production values and horrific acting. If you have anything approaching a brain in your head, you'll spot every single little plot and background non sequitur. And talk about clichés? Lol. This is just cheese. Maybe this is what passes for good in Brazil.
The Maus (2017)
This film is actually 3 mins long...
If you remove the scenes that involve walking, the transitions between scenes where the screen is black and the scenes dominated by the backs of heads... You'll have 3 mins of actual content left. The blackout transitions were so long my TV actually went into standby mode a few times.
Await Further Instructions (2018)
Total and utter drivel
Easily the worst film I've seen since the Girl With All The Gifts. There's something about British film that is just so rubbish and something about those who aren't British who seem to not be able to see it. I always think of the film 'Condensation' from family guy... that just sums up British films for me... and I'm a Brit!
Midsommar (2019)
Very, very, very. very, very, poor man's Wicker Man
Horrifically poor storyline, horrifically poor casting, horrifically bad continuity,, lacking in logic, lacking in production values... don't waste your time. SOOOOoooo bad and so long winded, so cliched, so stupid.... in the end (when I say end I mean 45 mins in) I just though.... who actually give a flying XXXX...
Another Life (2019)
Horrendous
I don't know where to begin. I couldn't get to the end of the first episode. The first thing to strike you is the awfulcasting. These are the wrong people in the wrong roles and such is the mismatch that you are reminded of it in every scene. Then there is the story. Alien artifacts on earth that are investigated by some guy who walks to work and this scientist attempts communication by playing really loud low pitched sound at the thing. No military. Not even a fence around it. The earth's one hope is a guy with an ipad and speakers!!? Then the premise is that his wife (talk about coincidences) is being sent into space on a faster than light ship that runs foul off a bunch of dark matter that we cannot see through and earth's scanners missed. We can already detect black areas of space and we can already detect light that is bent around other bodies. So this is really just plain wrong. And, bearing in mind that the ship is faster than light and those on board go into stasis for the duration... Does it really make sense that the scientific team on earth are just playing Pigeon noise and classical music at these artifacts?They struggle to save the ship but more than one of the women clearly have enough time to get the hair straighteners out. From various commrnts throughout I think you are supposed to cut the flaws in the story some slack because it's a post apocalyptic world. But come on... Lastly, the cgi is terrible. Everything has been done on the cheap. There is no dust in the atmosphere so everything appears super defined and spotlessly clean. It's as if the cgi sits on top if the picture rather than in it. In all honesty, one of the worst things I've seen in a very long time. This should have been culled at the pilot stage.
Level 16 (2018)
Budget film....
Another rehash of 'The Island'. Very poor and unengaging. Npo idea who this film is pitched at - it's so simplistic it must be kids but then it includes peeled off faces and an almost sexual abuse scene. Poor films and even worse commercial viability.
YellowBrickRoad (2010)
Make it stop...
It's a long time since I've seen such poor acting, terrible dialogue, awful premise.... I could go on.... The characters say and do things that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Just dire. I really lament the fact that the cost of production has come down so much to the point where it is no longer prohibitively expensive. Once upon a time the cost would have stopped such tripe ever being made.
Revolt (2017)
Racist Filmographic Plagiarism
The main thing to say about this film is that the character development is so one dimensional that you really have no cause to care about what happens to the two lead characters. The characters are so flimsy that even the relationship between them just seems odd and stilted. A very poor choice of casting leads there to be no chemistry whatsoever between the two lead characters and whenever they interact it's as though the writers were unsure of how to portray let alone progress their 'fondness' (I think that's what was supposed to be happening).
The story suffers at every turn for not attempting to answer the question of 'why?'. Without a plausible narrative thread to tie together the action into a series of reasoned actions and consequences, the movie simply doesn't tell a story but descends into a series of high budget effects from well known movies done on the cheap. The weapon that vaporises people - taken straight out of War of the Worlds(2005). The flocking of the robots - taken straight from Jurassic Park. The alien ships that suck people up - taken straight from War of the Worlds(2005). The notion of 'people are worse than aliens' - taken straight from District 9. The EMP device is remarkably similar in look and effect to that in The Matrix. The 'spider' type robots are also very much like the sentinels in The Matrix and the 'sentinel in Neo's face' scene is uncannily like the 'spidey robot in the guy whose name I don't even care enough to remembers' scene.
The film also has racist undertones to my mind. The two leads are white surrounded by black people who throughout the bulk of the movie we learn are all bad and 'worse than the aliens'. If the movie were your point of reference, you'd think every single Kenyan is a machete wielding murdering rapist. It's not until the very end we get some black people whose characters are about as developed as plywood but who cannot kill the aliens without the help of the white hero. Seriously, you set a film in Kenya and the guy who saves everyone is white? Why the director didn't throw in a few lip plates, stretched ear lobes and women with spears kowtowing to white men with moustaches dressed in pressed khaki, I just don't know.
So in summary - this film tells no story but strings together cheap versions of other films' wow moments for really no apparent reason. The characters are so flimsy and dull that there is no reason at all to buy into the movie or care about the action. An if racism and offensive stereotypes are your thing, you'll love this film.
Singularity (2017)
Just awful...
This film is so bad I can't even be bothered stringing how much I hate this film into cogent sentences.
So, 97 years after the bots take over you're telling me that the windows on the shops are crystal clean? You're telling me that despite no new clothes being manufactured the human characters look like they've just got a whole new wardrobe from GAP? That nearly 100 years of neglect has seen no collapsed roofs, no weeds growing from gutters, and fields that look like they've been fallow for a couple of years? That street signs, railings, window shutters, metal roll shutters have absolutely no signs of rust? That despite the bot driven apocalypse, the main female lead still has time to obviously dye her hair? In the scenes running through forests, they follow well worn and undergrowth free paths.... worn and maintained by whom exactly? Bots? In one of the opening scenes, a shop is engulfed in ivy inside yet in one of the later scenes, a house described as 'really old' has perfectly white whitewashed walls, and inside looks pristine - photographs aren't faded, glass cabinets haven't a speck of dust on them... in fact there is no dust, not even a cob web! And given that the house hasn't been heated for 97 years, it's amazing that there is no damp whatsoever. 97 year old Polaroid film works and, it must be energizer, because the batteries are still fresh. Despite being out in the wilds for days on end the male lead is always perfectly cleanly shaven. Even when he is woken from sleep he has been mysteriously shaved - then again he is a robot - a fact that the writers are at pains to have us aware of from the outset with the laboured 'no food for me' scene - funny then that when the girl falls asleep on his chest she doesn't notice that he doesn't need to breathe (we presume) And then, when they meet some nasty humans, they are all covered in stubble, dirt and worn clothes - oh my, so original.
The male lead gets tied up in a brand spanking new rope. I mean, this thing clearly was just bought from a shop on the day... and the rope magically moves from one scene to the next... did they take lunch in the middle of shooting the 'tied up in brand new rope' scenes? Maybe they should have...
The male lead is only capable of two expressions - eyes normal and eyes bursting out of his head. There is nothing in between and the rest of his face is entirely pointless. Lucky for him that the dialogue doesn't require much else. Actually, I'm not giving him credit... he can do a variation on these two expressions above including with mouth open and with mouth shut.
The female lead should take urgent note that crying involves water coming from the eyes. You can't snivel and gasp for air, and then expect to look authentic with a perfectly dry face.
Special effects are dire - in the opening scenes burning buildings look like someone went mad with the Photoshop clone tool. Explosions don't cast any light on objects that are close by and clouds of dense smoke don't cast any shadows and dissipate in moments leaving no trace. Enormous bots appear to defy the laws of physics and move through dense forestry without causing a single tree to move.
'Whats in your chest' scene - great work on the 97 year old straw bales that look to have been made in the last week... and the plentiful fresh straw on the ground in the barn... just lazy...
Lighting.... I mean really.... what is happening with the lighting? In a dark and dingy forest, and it looks like two blazing follow spots behind the cameras.... just cheap and nasty.
The characters are so poorly developed that their behaviour is schizophrenic at best.
Continuity is a joke - in the opening scenes we see buildings burnt to to the ground, yet in later scenes, and I mean 97 years later scenes, they are visible in the background, with lights on inside. Really, 97 years after the rise of the bots, they are still using lights? Who is changing the bulbs? Bot janitor? Who even makes the bulbs?
The bots themselves. If you're looking for humans, perhaps IR might be better than visible light to detect them? I think it's utterly lazy that the main feature of the film, that drives the whole storyline, the bots, are so poor.
After leaving the 'facility' (you just know that's what they call it), they walk through a field of corn ready to be harvested. I'm feeling like a stuck record here...
John Cusack must have been desperate for the cash.
Besetment (2017)
What happens when cameras a are cheap
Medium shot, close up, medium shot, close up, medium shot, close up, long shot, medium shot, break the 180 degree rule, long shot....
Total rubbish. Story is drivel. Acting is awful. Characters aren't in any way shape or form believable. Totally totally pointless and bland.
Don't even bother..... really don't...
The Girl with All the Gifts (2016)
Not a patch on the book
The zombies look like people on a night out to a Halloween party. I think they might all have been issued light grey and dark grey face paint and told to 'zombie-up.' Obviously during the zombie apocalypse, there is still room for zombie artistic licence as none of them behave the same way when moving which is odd because you'd have thought they were all infected with the same zombie virus. Apparently, it comes in various strains from the 'Michael Jackson Thriller' through to'Dame Thora Hurd Mounting a Chair Lift'.
I couldn't stand the acting skills, or lack there off, of the girl. If - you - like - your - lines - delivered - in - the - style - of - the - monosyllabic - girl - from - 28 - days - later -
when - she - was - on - drugs - then - this - is - the - film - for - you. I prefer a bit of a more cogent delivery that doesn't have me wish to become a bran dead zombie before the film ends.
I gave up and walked out before the end... I'm glad it wasn't shown in America... it's an entirely embarrassing film that shows just what you can get away with in the UK with enough lottery and charity money... I presume this, because I can't actually envisage any actually right-minded investor looking to set fire to a few bucks in the direction of this boring tripe.
And PLEASE find some more locations next time- shooting around the same site in the back waters of Birmingham became a bit tedious after the millionth time the same corner had been rounded from a new angle.
Abduct (2016)
Drivel
Never mind the sci-fi out of this world aspect.... if you found people in everyday life who reacted the way these characters do, you'd wish you'd been abducted... I mean really? Just let down by poor scripting, poor character development and just general poor plot.
So utterly uninspiring, I can see why it wasn't carried by any cinema here in the UK. It's entirely lamentable, that film can now be produced and distributed so cheaply. At least the barrier of cost used to mean the product had to be sufficiently good so as to make sales to cover the costs....
Prometheus (2012)
Shabby and forumlaic IQ lowering twaddle
This movie is terrible. Ridley Scott has obviously looked to the other Alien films and made himself a little formula something like this: Balshy female protagonist + android + beheaded android + slime on walls + hidden agenda + stow away alien + pots of Alien goodness + suspense building pings + crew of misfits + exploring alien craft = blockbuster movie.
Unfortunately, no one part of this movie is satisfactory. Character development is so shallow that you find yourself not caring if the love interest turns into a massive wrinkly alien or not. The bog standard stereotypical characters have been lifted from the other Alien films, and you know what, it comes across as though Ridley Scott was actually bored of them.
For an alien film, the lack of actual alien on human action was a bit of a shock. Instead, masses of time is given to dreary dialogue to force facts at the audience. "OH MY GOD it's a ZX Spectrum Surgery Pod thing"... that stood out like a massive sore thumb along with a whole host of other pieces of info that those lacking a brain would need to string the series of images on the screen before them into a story. For the rest of us, it was just tedious and boring.
Holes in the plot... My colander has less holes. It really was utterly formulaic but with very little in the way of story to provide the scaffolding to hang the bits of the formula from.
And really, the sets. I mean, the alien ship was spotless! How many thousand years had it lain there? What's more the air was absolutely crystal clear. On the crew's own ship, again, everything was spotless. For a working vessel there appeared to be no wear or tear. No dirty windows, nothing that might suggest it was actually anything other than a set.
It's this lack of attention to detail that makes me think the movie is nothing more than a 'made-for-tv' type affair.
Thoroughly disappointing - if you have paint, watch it dry instead.
The Hunters (2011)
Truly Horrific... Horrifically Awful that is...
This film is a horrendous waste of nearly two hours of your life. It is a failure on every level.
The plot... or plots... or lack of a plot... is the most glaring and intensely mind numbing problem with the film. It hits you from the outset: the threads are all there if held together by nothing else than the most tenuous of links, but they seem to have been crafted and developed with much the same skill as high school short story. Lamentably though, had this been a high school short story then at least the teacher would have taken their red pen to each page and scored the word 'Drivel' across it. And, don't even get me started on the absolutely massive glaring holes in what little plot there is.
This lack of plot is compounded by the fact that none of the actors can actually act so what little character development there is, is entirely unbelievable at best and largely ends up being laughable. I mean, I actually guffawed more than once at the terrible terrible lack of acting skill. I don't think the cast were entirely to blame though, the script was so utterly clichéd and clumsy that there really was no other way to deliver it.
As you might think, surely the cinematography would make up for this. Well, I have two words for you BLUE FILTER. This to me, is an absolute giveaway that all is not well - when every scene has a blue hue added to it and the scene desaturated in post production. And whilst on the topic of production, did they lose ANY scenes in the edit? I mean ANYTHING? I'm surprised they just didn't string the rushes together and call it job done.
The location is, erm, repetitive - if you like looking at the walls of forts (or more accurately the same wall of a fort) then you will love this. Also, wet leaves feature quite a lot as do incredible bullet attracting and spark producing trees. It's an incredible coincidence that every single bullet that didn't meet its target hit the nearest tree and produced a shower of sparks. And, someone explain to me the problem with the breath - now you see it... now you don't... even in the same scene the temperature apparently changes wildly. As for Special FX... the blown off leg was particularly hilarious, as were the mounted heads - I can't tell you how bad they were - Like Hammer Horror but without the tongue in cheek self awareness.
All in, utterly awful - I cannot recommend enough that you employ the two hours of this film's duration in any other way possible but watching it.