HawkHerald Reviews

Ready to Rumble (2000)

A strange synergy

[3/10 · 22 February 2016]

To understand how this movie's run synergized with the ultimate demise of WCW you have to understand some things about WCW. WCW was the no. 2 wrestling company for years, until they signed Hulk Hogan and booked him as a heel and leader of the NWO (New World Order).

This angle went on for more than two years and allowed WCW to overtake the WWE as the no. 1 company and their Monday night wrestling program, Nitro, consistently beat WWE Raw in the ratings. By 1999, things had changed with the emergence of Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, Mick Foley and Triple H becoming WWE's biggest stars. During the Attitude Era, Steve Austin's feud with Vince McMahon carried the WWE back to the top brand and winning the weekly battle for Monday ratings.

In 1999, pro wrestling had also enjoyed a mainstream popularity that it hadn't seen since the original Hulkamania and Rock and Wrestling days of the mid 1980's. WCW was trying to strike while the iron was hot and decided to make a film. While you can make a good story with a pro wrestling story, namely Mickey Rourke's 2006 comeback film The Wrestler, this movie was like a typical late 1990's teen road trip comedy.

Two fans living in Wyoming, Gordie (Scream's David Arquette) and Sean (Entourage and Hawaii Five-O's Scott Caan) are the two biggest fans of WCW World Champion Jimmy King (Oliver Platt, who looked nothing like a pro wrestler even though he could pull off a couple spots). The night Gordie and Sean attend a live WCW Nitro in Cheyenne, Wyoming, on screen WCW President Titus Sincalir (Bad Boys and The Matrix's Joe Pantolaino in weird cowboy garb with a wig that featured pig tail braids and a Stetson) has a backstage falling out with King and plots with Diamond Dallas Paige (as himself) to create a swerve so DDP can become champ. During the match, a Sinclair gives DDP the nod and King loses the belt to Paige. As a secondary result, Sinclair forces him out of WCW. Gordie and Sean are devastated and take it upon themselves to find their hero and help become the champ again. After an extended road trip, where along they find out their hero is a broke, selfish and non-child supporting paying loser, they eventually locate King and convince to try and make a comeback. They sneak onto a Nitro broadcast, where King ambushes Paige but Sinclair interferes and books a rematch for PPV. Cue another montage of training along with Gordie and Sean helping to audition small town weirdos to help Jimmy King a form wrestling "posse" to watch his back leading to the rematch.

The movie, while childishly stupid in its humor attempts and an overall inferior product, also takes a very dim view of pro wrestling fans in general, portraying Gordie and Sean as two idiots who were generally unaware of wrestling's scripted match finishes and kayfabe, basically wrestling fiction. This is besides the fact that WCW actually had David Arquette starting to participate in wrestling matches with DDP and Kris Kanyon as his partners. He even defended the title against UFC veteran David "Tank" Abbott. They used the WCW World Title as a promotional tool, having Arquette in a bizarre tag match where he pinned WCW President Eric Bischoff. In one of the worst heel turns and promos of all time, he reveals he was actually part of Hulk Hogan's group the whole time after helping Hogan win the title back. Needless to say, the movie flopped and WCW lost $62 million in 1999. Vince McMahon bought the company for song in early 2001 and the Monday Night Wars ended with a whimper.

Black Mask (1996)

Kato

[7/10 · 7 February 2016]

Tsui Chik/Simon, a quiet librarian, is actually an ex-Special Forces super soldier. He is friends with Inspector Shek Wai-ho/Rock, a detective with Hong Kong Police, with whom Tsui Chik frequently shares conversation over chess. Tsui Chik learns his old commando unit, called 701, is still active, murdering gangsters and police in a grasp for power. Tsui Chik dons a black domino mask and bowler hat like Bruce Lee's Kato from The Green Hornet, becoming a masked vigilante to stop his old unit, inadvertently coming into conflict Shek Wai-ho/Rock and the police.

Black Mask isn't something you watch for the story, there's a minimum of it. There's just enough to let you know who the good guys and the bad guys are. There's also a tiny amount of romantic subplot thrown with a co-worker and a former squad member of Tsui Chik's introduced to give him a more personal reason to fight the good fight. Jet Li is at his best, his jaw-dropping on screen fights are like no one else, including the legendary Bruce Lee and contemporary peer Jackie Chan.

Redbelt (2008)

An MMA Dramedy

[4/10 · 19 January 2016]

MMA, Bushido and Brazilian Jiu-Jistu seem to set the tone for this movie. A veteran and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu instructor makes bad business deals, unintentionally wrecks his friend's life by giving him stolen property, lies to his insurer about how his school's front window was broken, and to cap it off is alienated and separated from his wife. He's also easily taken advantage of and shares his Bushido-inspired training method with the blind fold martial arts pebble taste test, which is usurped by the bad guy MMA promoters for making up the rules of their tournament. The rules say that the guys who draws the black pebble will fight with a disadvantage. So a guy in the movie with competes with his arm strapped to his side.

Wow, really, this MMA card would have to take place in Japan or an Native American casino because no state athletic commission that licenses boxing and MMA would allow something so stupid to took place. Japan loves it's pro wrestling, sumos, and Herculean Western strong men so it's known for it's rock opera and circus-like approach to MMA promotion. Native American reservations are outside of state regulations, but even the more reputable tribal group have their own form of athletic commission for regulations.

The problems of the Chiwetel Ejiofor character seem to just drop on him like a pile of bricks. His wife is also painted as a greedy shrew. It's waste of a performance from Ejiofor, who's actually very good in this and comes as capable and honorable. He's just so frustratingly naive and the way his personal and professional life are ruined is so far-fetched. Emily Mortimer is also well cast as a rape survivor and lawyer whom Ejiofor befriends when she wanders into his school for help. The story is supposed a type of honorable-at-all-costs samurai film but just fails with the soap opera-level tragedies the main character endures.

Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (2015)

Let's Get Something Out of the Way

[6/10 · 4 January 2016]

Was the J.J. Abrams' led adaptation of the 7th Star Wars film any good? Yes, it was a lot of fun, especially addition of the newer talent of John Boyega, who I believe had a better on screen performance than fellow newcomer Daisy Ridley based on his charisma alone. Daisy Ridley's Rey ultimately isn't the damsel that Leia was (face facts, she did have to be rescued from the Death Star by Han and Luke, even though she did go on to become a capable soldier) and is also the main protagonist among the newer cast but there's a layer of some personality missing from her plucky cute tomboy heroine. Harrison Ford is also back as Han Solo, looking less "scruffy" but more old and grouchy. Han carries more of this film on his aged shoulders than most viewers seeking new content would probably care for but he's still a funny guy and his old man strength seems to hold up. Domhnall Gleeson as Gen. Hux of the First Order isn't the quiet and menacing figure that Peter Cushing's Grand Moff Tarkin was but instead seems to grimace and yells bland rhetoric at his legions of stormtroopers to instill confidence. Adam Driver as Kylo Ren, who isn't a Sith but a Dark Jedi (which seems like a matter of semantics) is scary at first in full costume but seems more like an angstful teen at times, though not at the level of epic emo bad overacting by Hayden Christensen. There's just too much from the original trilogy recycled for this movie. Daisy Ridley is a orphaned wanderer on a desert planet, the Republic's military is an undermanned scrappy group of freedom fighters rather than a well organized military, the First Order are the Galactic Empire 2.0 with even the Nazi Salute this time with a genocidal weapon at their use and the Millennium Falcon is still a pile of junk. For the hardcore Star Wars fans and even the casual viewers who've watched the other trilogies, it will be a warm and welcoming return to a beloved fictional universe. Maybe with another film and the Rogue One spin-off there will be a little more room for some creative growth.

Shoot 'Em Up (2007)

The battle over the 2nd Amendment never looked uglier

[3/10 · 28 December 2015]

WARNING: This movie is not for the faint of heart. Smith (Clive Owen), a war veteran and former shooting champion, protects a baby and a prostitute named (Monica Bellucci) from two squadrons of goons working for an arms manufacturer and a US Senator, who's running for President on a hard nosed gun control control platform. The baby boy, named Oliver by Smith, was conceived as part of an illegal cloning operation. Smith and Donna fall in love and form a paternal bond with Oliver. Smith learns that Oliver's birth was originally part of a plan to provide Sen. Rutlidge (Daniel Pilon), a Democratic Presidential candidate running on a strong gun control platform, with a bone marrow donor. Smith just came across at the right place and time in order to prevent Oliver from being killed with the other mothers and children in the clinic. Karl Hertz, the leader of the arms manufacturer's espionage crew, is trying to eliminate the baby so he can theoretically prevent the supposed (and far fetched) repeal of the 2nd Amendment of the U.S. Constitution-the right to bear arms.

Operating on this premise, I suppose is the license for the ultra-violent gun fights, which are pretty fun, and the sickening fetish humor. I never considered how many gross jokes and script ideas could from the idea of inserting a gun into a strange place. The needless sexualization of the gun violence in this repugnant fashion may be the writer and director's idea of advocating on behalf of gun control advocates but it just doesn't work. The macho displays, stylized violence and sexual humor are just a bad combo by the end.

This film wants be like Millar vehicles Wanted or Kick-Ass, which have done a better job of combining humor with ultra-violence. Even the cult action comedy, Crank-which mixes ultra-violence and strong sexual content, doesn't come across as so repugnant. I guess it's the mainly the sadism and the extreme risk posed to even a fictional child that keep me from actually liking this film.

NewsRadio (1995–1999)

A great old-fashioned work place sitcom

[8/10 · 16 December 2015]

This show as about a fictional AM news station in NYC, the staff of whom were the focus of the show.

Dave Nelson (Kids in the Hall's Dave Foley), the station's news director and occasional producer, was the straight man for most of the show's jokes and was a Minnesotan hired and unexpectedly given the news director job despite a relative lack of experience. Dave was depicted as a typical nerd and his equally nerdy Kids in the Hall co-members appeared in an episode as his high school friends who wanted to get their all-male acapella group back together. He also tap danced, did ventriloquism, and knife throwing, as the amazing Throwgalli.

Lisa Miller (Maura Tierney of ER), an ambitious and overachieving, slightly neurotic reporter at WNYX. She was Dave's girlfriend for the first few seasons. Lisa is hyper-obsessive about her academic achievements and also hyper-competitive having tried to get the WNYX news director position herself before Dave was hired and their romance started.

Bill McNeil (SNL Alumni and Simpsons beloved recurring player Phil Hartman), was an over-the-top, egotistical, and golden-voiced lead anchor, constantly irritating other people, especially Dave, with his arrogance and attention-seeking behavior. One of the more amusing examples of this, is The Cane episode, where Bill acquires an antique walking cane only to have it quickly stolen. He's hilariously insubordinate, seen in the Smoking episode, where smoking is banned from the WNYX office. Bill is also surprisingly loyal and insightful when it comes to his co-workers, who are his closest friends.

Jimmy James (King of the Hill voice actor and Dodge Ball co-star Stephen Root), is an eccentric, extroverted, and slightly paternal owner of the WNYX news station. He's shown to have a diversified multimedia empire rivaling Ted Turner or Donald Trump but seems to have enjoyed spending most of his days at the WNYX office with Dave and others. He seems to have the closest bonds to Dave and Beth. Jimmy James also seems easily distracted and likely Beth given to hyperactivity. His ongoing search for a wife is seen in several different episodes.

Matthew Brock (Andy Dick), is a reporter for WNYX, shown to be clumsy, naive, and even outright stupid. He idolizes Bill McNeil, who constantly lies and torments him. His behavior is supposed to be amusing in a Scooby Doo sidekick kind of way but he usually comes across as obnoxious.

Beth (Vicki Lewis), is Dave's secretary. She frequently wares mesh and midriff baring tops. She's shown as hyperactive, gossiping, and the lowest paid staff member.

Joe Garrelli (UFC color commentator, martial artist, stand-up comedian, Fear Factor host, conspiracy theorist, and marijuana advocate Joe Rogan) is an electrician and all around handyman. He is dismissive of consumer products as rip-offs and has his own custom-built supplies, tools (typically from cheap household items like duct tape) and invents a number of different devices. Joe, like his real life counterpart, is also a conspiracy theorist, especially when it comes to government cover-ups regarding aliens. He has an intense crush on WNYX co-lead anchor Katherine Duke.

Katherine Duke (Khandi Alexander), is the co-lead anchor with Bill McNeil. She has an adversarial relationship with him due to a past failed office romance. Katherine seems the most mature and normal member of the staff. She also displays a talent for three-card Monte for Mr. James. Katherine leaves the show after her character receives a job offer in London. She's also the object of an intense crush from electrician handyman Joe Garrelli.

Man of the House (I) (2005)

Man of the House

[6/10 · 13 March 2014]

Tommy Lee Jones is a dry, grouchy, by-the-book Texas Ranger as Sgt. Roland Sharp. He moves into a house with five active girls who are Texas Longhorns Cheerleaders that happen to be murder witnesses, resulting in them being placed in protective custody. Most of the jokes revolve around Jones' effective dry humor and the problems he has as a father seeing young women close to his daughter's age wearing tight fitting navel-baring clothes and the clash of generational values. Eventually they all come to an understanding and the girls look to him as an unconventional paternal figure. There's also a side romance between Jones' character and an English literature professor played by Anne Archer which seems to have been thrown into the story as an afterthought. It's not the best movie but is worth one watch for Tommy Lee Jones' performance alone. 6 out of 10.

10 Things I Hate About You (1999)

10 Things I Hate About You (1999)

[4/10 · 16 February 2014]

There are good and bad things about this film. First, the bad, there's an over-reliance on teenage movie character archetypes; the good looking sensitive rebel (Heath Ledger), the semi-intellectual rebellious feminist rebel (Julia Stiles), the seemingly vapid princes with emotional depth (Larisa Oleynik), the slightly goofy and sweet natured nice guy who inevitably gets the girl (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and the conceited mean-spirited athlete/model (Andrew Keegan). There's also a few teachers and parent authority figures thrown in with only slight character development. It's a reworking of William Shakespeare's The Taming of the Shrew with Heath Ledger in the Richard Burton role of Petruchio and Julia Stiles in the Elizabeth Taylor role of Katarina. That's a heavy pair of shoes to fill and this Shakespeare-lite teenage comedy that is intended for an audience that's probably largely illiterate in the classics.

The Simpsons: The Great Wife Hope (2009) Season 21, Episode 3

Great Wife Hope

[3/10 · 5 February 2014]

So a "new" fad of MMA sweeps through Springfield in the form of the Ultimate Punch Kick and Choke Championship (a thinly veiled reference to the real no. 1 MMA promotion, the UFC). Marge sees Bart staging MMA matches in the backyard and gets her do-good friends together to protest it. Guess what? You're too late by about 13 years since Sen. John McCain succeeded in doing that in 1996. MMA is licensed and monitored by a majority of state athletic commissions these days starting with the New Jersey State Athletic Commission's creation of the Unified Rules of Mixed Martial Arts in 2000.

Chet Engelbert, the promotion's president, challenges her to a fight with the condition that if she wins the promotion will fold. Marge doesn't know anything fighting, and the morons who wrote this crap don't know anything about contemporary MMA training, initially trains in rhythmic gymnastics but later learns some judo, boxing and bullying from Kearny, Jimbo and the other children. She of course wins her MMA fight after taking a beating and seeing Bart threatened with physical harm.

This show's lame attempt at latching on to a popular sport like "ultimate fighting," or MMA to anyone know who actually knows what the sport is, shows The Simpsons' age and cultural irrelevance. It also does real disrespect to the legitimate athletes, many of whom have an extensive amateur collegiate athletic background in wrestling or football with even some Olympians like Freestyle Wrestling Gold Medalist Henry Cejudo taking up the sport, who compete to make a living and feed their families.

The Crow (1994)

An atypical revenge thriller

[8/10 · 31 December 2013]

So this is a strange looking but still beautifully made film about a rock star, Eric Draven (Brandon Lee), who's murdered and his fiancé, Shelly Webster, who was beaten, raped and later dies in an intensive care unit. The two are killed on Devil's Night, October 30, the night before their wedding by T-Bird and his gang on orders from Detroit drug lord Top Dollar (Michael Wincott). Devil's Night in Detroit, according to this movie is a night of crime and rampant acts of arson committed by gangs like T-Bird's who use arson as a way of destroying evidence and intimidating people. A year after he is killed, Eric returns from the grave to seek vengeance for his and Shelley's murders. Dressed in dark ragged clothing and Hellequin make-up, as The Crow, Eric seems to be impervious to gunshots and have near superhuman strength. He's guided by a crow, a supernatural symbol of death and perhaps salvation or transcendence, that allows him to track the movements of his enemies.

Eric's death and undead mission of vengeance intersect with the lives Sergeant Albrecht and Sarah. Sgt. Albrecht was a first responding police officer who stayed with Shelley while she was in intensive care until she died. Sarah was a skater girl who's neglectful junkie mother caused her to spend much of her time with Eric and Shelley when she wasn't skateboarding. Both of them were directly affected by Eric and Shelley's deaths, and later help Eric's quest for revenge.

Eric's makeup and dress were influenced by English goth rock as seen in Crow creator James O'Barr's source comic material, in particular Bauhaus lead singer Peter Murphy. James O'Barr's own loss of his fiancé to a drunk driver and love of goth rock inspired the story. Alex Proyas, a director who came to movies from a short film and music video background, does an excellent job of making Detroit look like a smoky empty industrial wasteland (which it sadly is) that was also strangely beautiful and appealing. Great entertaining film for action film who want some substance to their viewing or even Bruce Lee connoisseurs who want to see the kind of superstar potential Brandon Lee possessed.

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

Too Little, Too Late

[3/10 · 29 December 2013]

If there was really going to be a movie showing the events leading up to Judgment Day then it should have been in theaters between 1993-1995. As it is, this abomination was scrapped together from sloppy remnants. Only a still buff but dated looking Arnold Schwarzenegger as returns the T-800 sent back to stop the T-X from murdering Kate Brewster (Claire Daines) and John Connor (Nick Stahl). The T-X (Kristanna Loken) is an endoskeleton with built-in weapons, the same ability to change appearance as the T-1000 and she can control machines. She commandeers a woman's convertible, cop car and several construction vehicles, and begins killing John Connor's future Human Resistance lieutenants. Her ultimate mission is to infect America's computer controlled nuclear arsenal with a virus that would launch the United States' nuclear weapons. John Connor has been living a nomadic, off-the-grid lifestyle since the T-2 events. His narration mentions that Judgment Day never happened and though he and his mom had destroyed Skynet in the past, he never shook the feeling that something terrible happening was inevitable. The movie starts out well but ends being filled with bad jokes, a weak story and even worse performances. Claire Daines was badly miscast and grows so annoying you end up cheering for the T-X to waste her. Nick Stahl is an underwhelming John Connor, boring but not terrible. He looks like a homeless stoner expecting to wake up from a bad trip. Schwarzenegger is playing a role he knows very well but that's not exactly a good thing since he's rehashing an old character for a fat paycheck. Kristanna Loken is a beautiful woman and that's about it, she's a non-acting performer in this. This movie was the end of The Terminator as a relevant franchise.

Parker (2013)

Boring Thriller

[3/10 · 29 December 2013]

You'd think with the source material and actors like Michael Chiklis and Nick Nolte in the supporting cast you would be viewing a tight revenge caper where a thief goes after the crew who betrayed him and stole his money. Unfortunately the script and performances are really generic. Jsaon Statham is the gentleman thief Parker, whose is his typical tough cool guy with a heart of gold character, chasing down some incompetent crew members who shot him after robbing a state fair's admission revenue while dressed like clowns (I wish I joking about that). Parker gets over his injuries and goes after the men that left him for dead, helped by Nick Nolte's paternal mentor/future father-in-law character and putting his girlfriend, and Nick Nolte's on screen daughter, at unnecessary risk. Jennifer Lopez seems to be thrown in almost at random as a flirtatious almost booty call for Parker but she is gently rebuffed. Jason Statham is okay, not good or bad, just watchable. Jennifer Lopez needs to quit acting, she's shown glimpses of real talent in Selena and Out of Sight, but is too boring or lazy to bring anything other than a pretty face and curvaceous figure to film. Mel Gibson played the same character in Payback and it's a much better revenge drama with an excellent cast and story. Lee Marvin was also Parker in the 1967 film Point Blank and Robert Duvall takes on the role in The Outfit from 1973, both really good crime thrillers with great actors.

Ride with the Devil (I) (1999)

Ride with the Devil

[6/10 · 18 December 2013]

This movie is about a group of Confederate Bushwhackers, guerrillas who were independently organized into groups of small bands, and the band shown is this movie is made up of friends Jake Roedel (Tobey Maguire) and Jack Bull Chiles (Skeet Ulrich), wealthy farmer George Clyde (Simon Baker of The Mentalist), and freed slave Daniel Holt (Jeffery Wright). Their band has a less friendly relationship with other Confederate bands due to Jake's German ancestry, his father had been a staunch abolitionist who served in the Union Army and most other German Missourians were abolitionists, and the inclusion of a former slave. They're given food and shelter by sympathetic local farmers and a young war widow, Sue Shelley (Jewel Kilcher), catches Jack's eye becoming his lover and pregnant with his child. During a brutal retaliatory action after Quantrill's Raid on Lawrence, Kansas, Jack is injured and eventually dies. Jake and Daniel take Sue and flee Missouri eventually making their way West.

This is a brutal disturbing movie about a previously untold, on film at least, part of the American Civil War where your enemy may have lived as far as the next farm. You couldn't be sure who were your friends were sometimes and the wrong beliefs may have gotten you lynched. It's easy to see that the Jake Roedel's character doesn't believe in the institution of slavery but rather the principles of freedom and independence. He goes along with the Bushwackers against his dad's wishes due to so many of his friends taking up their cause. His life changes and not all for the good with the choices he makes, but by the end he's made peace with the man he was and now is.

Xena: Warrior Princess (1995–2001)

Xena: Warrior Princess

[3/10 · 1 December 2013]

Xena was essentially a spin off of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, it was a low budget syndicated fantasy-action adventure that recalled the old fun of movies Jason and the Argonauts or Sinbad the Sailor. It was set in Ancient Greece in the time of Hercules, Xena was a former warlord who was looking for redemption and uses her martial skills to help the downtrodden and weak. She had a sidekick, Gabrielle, who starts off as a naive storytelling village girl and later becomes a formidable fighter in her own right. Xena's introduced an impractical piece of battle wear that many a young man remembers-the armored minidress. Gabrielle, who started off wearing a long skirt and blouse, ends up with a halter top and miniskirt of her own. There risqué costumes and silly story lines made the show a lot of harmless fun, but somewhere along the way the show started to get weird and dark. It stopped taking story ideas from Greek mythology and starting hashing together plots from Judeo-Christian beliefs, Eastern mythology, and skipping back and forth through history. I quit watching after the show starting taking itself so seriously and became more like a bad costume drama.

Hot Fuzz (2007)

What the Fuzz?!

[6/10 · 24 November 2013]

So this film is the second in Wright/Pegg Three Flavours Cornetto Trilogy, the first was Shaun of the Dead and third was The World's End, and it takes place in Sanford, Gloucestershire, GB. PC Nick Angel is a high achieving cop in the London Metropolitan Police Service whose by the book attitude and highest arrest record of any other officer in the Met starts to make his superiors believe he's too effective, making the other officers look bad by comparison. So he's promoted to Sergeant and transferred to the sleepy seemingly idyllic village of Sanford. After arriving and making an arrest of three drunk and disorderly teens and a DUI after a visit to the local pub, Sergeant Angel meets the eccentric (and exceedingly creepy) residents of the village. He's partnered with the buffoonish but well meaning PC Danny Butterman (Nick Frost) and settles into a boring routine of investigating complaints that lead to chasing livestock, giving an unappreciated safety lecture to high school students, and generally wishing he was back in London. Sgt. Angel and PC Butterman, however, investigate a series of gruesome deaths attributed to accidents but Angel suspects foul play on the part one of the most prominent local citizens, Mr. Simon Skinner (Timothy Dalton), a successful local grocery owner. Angel's investigation lead to a weird and funny revelation about how desperate the town's leaders are to keep Sanford as the England's "Village of the Year."

Life (I) (2007–2009)

Zen Master Cop

[7/10 · 21 November 2013]

I found this series while in college for my BA and it quickly became a favorite. Charlie Crews is a homicide detective who was exonerated after spending 12 years in prison. Partnered with a recovering addict, Dani Reese (Sarah Shahi), Charlie has grasped a Zen philosophy and stress- free approach to police work. His seeming casual attitude to his job causes people to underestimate his abilities. Charlies remains observant, detail-oriented and unorthodox in a clever way. He lives with his financial adviser Ted Earley (Adam Arkin), an ex-CEO convicted of a white collar crime whom Charlie saved in prison, in a large mansion with no furniture benefiting from the large cash settlement he won after regaining his freedom and badge. His interactions with Reese are pretty funny and Ted is a decent comedic sidekick. What made this show stand out was the acting of Damian Lewis, he portrayed a confident professional who inwardly struggled with the traumatizing experience of his prison stint. The only times he approaches anger are when getting leads during his independent investigation of the murder he was imprisoned for, the murder of his friend/business partner and the man's wife and son. It was an awesome show and canceled way too soon.

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)

"Everything I Do I Do It For You"

[4/10 · 23 April 2013]

This awful song rolls across the credits courtesy of mediocre Canadian soft rocker Bryan Adams. It sets the tone for this movie. It's something you'll either love or hate, in my case it's a bit of both.

There's a good story here about Robin Hood returning from the Crusades to find his father dead and leading the English people in rebellion against the tyrannical Sheriff but Kevin Costner is so bad in this it's almost lost.

The performances of Alan Rickman, Morgan Freeman and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio all almost make up for how bad Costner is in this. In a joke from Robin: Men in Tights Cary Elwes' Robin Hood says, "unlike some other Robin Hoods I can speak with an English accent," alluding to the other major problem with Costner's performance-no attempt at sounding English. Instead he sounds like a nondescript American with a bad hair day sporting his post-Crusade mullet.

Alan Rickman's scene stealing performance as The Sheriff of Nottingham aided by his devil worshiping foster mother is something to behold. His over-the-top displays of temper and mustache-twirling evil are a lot of fun to watch.

Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio's Maid Marian is a strong-willed woman committed to watching after an English people seemingly abandoned by Richard the Lionheart (which it was) and men like Robin Hood who rushed off to the Crusades in religious zeal or the pursuit of riches.

Morgan Freeman is Azeem, Robin's solemn Moorish companion, who acts as an unwanted protector and straight man. Surprisingly there's no mention of Prince John, Richard I's brother, who is often depicted in Robin Hood adaptations as working with the Sheriff and Sir Guy of Gisbon to usurp the throne.

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

A Trail of Gore and Breadcrumbs

[3/10 · 5 February 2013]

I hate to say I walked into this the theater showing this film with low expectations. The promotional material made me think of Sam Raimi's Evil Dead but there were few laughs if any in this film and Jeremy Renner is no Ash Williams. Hansel and Gretel's parents are murdered by witches and the duo find themselves at the house made of candy after wandering the Bavarian forest for a time. The owner of the house turns out to be a witch who tries to fatten up Hansel and makes Gretel a slave. They get the better of her and push the witch into an oven, establishing that fire is the greatest weakness of witches. They grow up killing witches in various towns for bounties using explosives, piano wire, firearms, and other violent ways. In the town of Augsburg, they encounter the biggest and baddest of them all, Muriel (Famke Janssen), who has a plan to strengthen the witches' magic against their old weakness through the abduction and sacrifice of a dozen town children.

The funniest moment of this movie is the initial encounter between Hansel and Gretel and the imbecilic Sheriff Berringer. Other than that it's all violence and a few lame one liners. Jeremy Rennner doesn't have Bruce Campbell's self-deprecating charisma and Gemma Arterton is a lovely woman but seems trouble showing any emotion beyond surprise. I found myself fighting to stay awake at times. This movie was a chore to watch and the cost of 3d for this kind of movie is a waste.

Darkwing Duck (1991–1992)

A Saturday Morning Classic

[8/10 · 23 January 2013]

When Disney still made a show worth watching and Saturday mornings were the best day of the week to be a kid, there was Darkwing Duck. He was a goofy crime fighter made up of an amalgam of Batman, The Shadow, and Daffy Duck who defends the city of St. Canard from various criminals. Darkwing's massive ego cause him to go glory hunting, chase easy money, and get his butt kicked a lot. He lives as Drake Mallard with his adopted daughter Goselyn Wottelmyer Mallard and sidekick/pilot Launchpad McQuack. Goselyn is a sugary food addicted, horror movie and comic loving, and hockey playing tomboy with tons of hyperactive energy. Her fun is typically destructive and causes Drake to lose his temper a lot but they maintain a loving relationship despite all this. Goselyn is usually along side Drake on his cases as Darkwing. Launchpad is a character from Ducktales, once the personal pilot of Scrooge McDuck, who's now Darkwing's sidekick and pilots the Thunder Quack, a jet plane that's Darkwing's primary transportation aside from his motorcycle. Launchpad is a sweet-natured goof who's not supposed to be very bright despite being an accomplished pilot. Honker Muddlefoot, Darkwing's neighbor and Goselyn's best friend, who's aware of Darkwing's secret identity and is the science nerd of the show. He comes with any technical solutions needed to solve any problems Darkwing comes up against.

Darkwing's primary antagonist is Megavolt, an electricity-based mad scientist villain who talks to light bulbs. Nega-Duck, Darkwing's evil doppelgänger from another dimension, is sometimes portrayed as the arch-nemesis of Darkwing but makes fewer appearances on the show than Megavolt does. There was also Liquidator, a former bottled water tycoon turned into a living mass of water; Buschroot, a mad scientist duck-plant hybrid who could control plants and somewhat reminiscent of Batman villain Poison Ivy; and Quacker Jack, a theme park owner turned villain who was an amalgam of the Joker and Riddler.

Tosh.0 (2009–2020)

America's Funniest Home Videos for the Youtube Generation

[1/10 · 22 January 2013]

Comedy Central is a network that has a lot worthless programming and Tosh.O joins this line up. It features untalented comedian Daniel Tosh viewing internet videos with a studio audience and making "humorous" observations about each one. I'd never thought it would possible to make a living on TV as an internet troll but Daniel Tosh has. A few of jokes may even elicit a chuckle but his spiel wears thin real quick and if you tune in at all you may find yourself reaching for the remote real quick to see if there's a Justified rerun on FX after a few moments. The sad thing is with the advent of video sharing sites there will be a endless supply of viral videos so his show will never run out of material.

The Shadow (1994)

The Shadow knows

[7/10 · 3 November 2012]

This didn't start out like the typical superhero film. Insread doing something heroic, this film introduces the protagonist Lamont Cranston ordering the death of a rival. Cranston has been living in Tibet since the end of WWI and is a ruthless opium dealer and warlord called Yin-Ko (literally Dark Eagle in Mandarin Chinese.) He's abducted by servants of the Tulku. The Tulku, a holy man, sees the good in Cranston lurking beneath his evil persona, and tells Cranston he will be trained to use his darker nature to "cloud men's minds." Cranston isn't interested in redemption and even asks "Am I in hell" but is given no choice in the matter.

Lamont Cranston gains psychic powers of hypnosis, invisibility, telepathy, and telekinesis as a result of his training. He returns to New York City where he becomes a fearsome vigilante called The Shadow while appearing to be a millionaire playboy. As The Shadow Lamont battles Shiwan Khan, an evil former student of the Tulku who overpowered and killed the holy man, and his plans for destroying New York while romancing Margo Lane, the daughter of a War Department scientist abducted by Khan. Margo Lane is a New York socialite whose father Reinhardt Lane was working on a device that could allow Khan to complete his plan. Margo also shows latent psychic ability in her telepathic connection to Lamont.

This was a fun superhero film and Alec Baldwin does a very good job of portraying the Golden Age crime fighter on screen. The Shadow is somewhat similar to Batman in using his dark image to intimidate criminals but The Shadow's mission seems to be more about redemption rather than revenge. The Shadow unlike Batman doesn't hesitate to use lethal force to dispatch more dangerous criminals and isn't above using the lives of the people he saves by recruiting them to his own personal intelligence network.

The special effects, set design, costumes all look wonderful and there's an excellent original score to go along. There's a style here that while not an authentic attempt to recreate the look of the 1930's pays homage to it. Some of the supporting acting is a little underwhelming and for some reason the beard worn by John Lone looks like it came unglued but despite this The Shadow is a very good superhero movie that deserves a watch.

Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002)

Out of ideas

[3/10 · 25 October 2012]

So the first and second films in the Austin Powers were pretty funny. It parodied the inherent camp of the old 007 films of the 60's and 70's making Mike Myers a huge star. This was the third film he starred in as the character and it shows it's age. The "Yeah, baby" catchphrase was old and there's only so much of one actor playing a bunch of unfunny one liner characters you can watch. It seems these days if you want to see a comedian trying to hard to be funny then look for a fat suit or other outrageous costume and multiple roles in one film. The saddest thing is when viewing a movie like this is that you know Mike Myers is capable of something better. He's a versatile performer, a good writer and has shown some serious acting talent in films like 54. This movie came across as a desperate attempt at making money.

Rock Star (2001)

A wasted opportunity

[3/10 · 2 September 2012]

The real story of the departure of long time Judas Priest singer Rob Halford along with his coming out and the hiring of Judas Priest tribute band singer Tim "Ripper" Owens inspired this movie. Mark Wahlberg is Chris Cole, the lead singer in a tribute band to his idols, British metal group Steel Dragon, and after a violent argument with his bandmates during a gig is kicked out only to be invited several days later to audition for Steel Dragon's lead singer job. He lands the job and goes on tour with his new band and girlfriend. The movie starts out well and Mark Wahlberg does a reasonable job of playing an 80's metal front man but the story just isn't there. He sleeps with a few groupies, has a few beers, and sniffs some drugs but it's also contrived to give a cute little ending where he leaves the band after pulling a guy out of a concert audience who happens to be a better singer than him. He then proceeds to cut his hair and go play small shows at coffee houses with his integrity intact. Bleh.

Saved by the Bell: Model Students (1990) Season 2, Episode 10

Zack Morris vs.Paris

[11 June 2012]

The Bayside student bookstore's is failing thanks to the poor management of a group of nerds and Kelly needs the money from a part time job she has working there. Zack convinces Mr. Belding to allow Zack and his friends to take over the store but no one comes to the store anymore. Zack has Screech photograph the girls during swim practice and they used the photos to make a swimsuit calendar with the "Girls of Bayside."

They sell the calendars as promotional tool for the store's re-opening. When Jesse, Lisa, and Kelly find out they are understandably outraged and have Mr. Belding pull the calendars from the shelves. A fashion photographer named Adam Trask from Teen Fashion Magazine shows up at the school and tells the Baysiders he wants to put the 3 best girls in a photo spread for the magazine.

Zack recommends Lisa, Jesse and Kelly after they agree to the sale of the calendars again. When Kelly, however, is picked to spend a month in Paris shooting Zack becomes afraid that she'll forget about him while she's gone. Zack tries to make Kelly feel guilty about leaving and almost succeeds but the shoot's photographer angrily confronts him about it. Zack later confesses to Kelly and urges her to go to Paris.

Zack's underhanded scheming did some good for Kelly but if they were real teens arguing over a problem like that they wouldn't handled it so maturely. Zack and Kelly are only a couple in 2-3 episodes anyway before she cheats on him with Jeff, her boss at The Max.

Final Destination (2000)

How did this thing spawn an entire movie franchise?

[2/10 · 27 March 2012]

This is a really bad pseudo-horror film that would almost fit better into the disaster movie genre. A high school senior, Alex Browning (Devon Sawa), has a violent premonition while sitting on a plane waiting for departure for his senior class trip to Paris. He causes a commotion that gets him, several students and a teacher to be kicked off the plane. After leaving and while watching the departure, there's a disastrous mechanical failure and the plane explodes killing all aboard. The passengers who were kicked off are interviewed by the FBI, who're particularly interested in Alex because of his foreknowledge of the event and is treated as a suspect. And after all that the film goes into overdrive with this vague specter going around causing accidents that kill the survivors in grotesque (and unintentionally funny) ways. Alex learns from a creepy mortician named William Bludsworth (Tony Todd in his best Candyman face and voice) that he somehow cheated Death's design and its correcting this by doing away with the people who walked away from the plane disaster. Alex becomes determined to stop it.

Give the writer some credit for a semi-original idea in having Death itself kill a bunch of stupid teens rather than a masked psycho with butcher's tools but the execution is pure B-movie slasher and the acting is as bad as a high school play especially from Devon Sawa. The movie is gratuitous crap but somehow made enough money and is cult classic enough to have FIVE SEQUELS!