adamstuartcox Reviews

My Family (2000–2011)

Sheer brilliance!

[1/10 · 3 May 2012]

Many on here have been asking how this programme even got commissioned in the first place, let alone renewed for 11 series. Well, the original commissioning was a result of an unholy pact between Robert Lindsay and Lucifer - in exchange for his soul, and a bathtub full of virgins' blood, the Dark Lord pulled some strings at the BBC and got this unholy abomination onto our screens. Then, upon the spring equinox of each year, Satan would grant Lindsay a new series in return for the blood-sacrifice of an infant.

Now, I'm an NHS nurse - and in 2011 I was transferred from paediatrics to the geriatric ward - as a result of some unfounded, and frankly libellous, accusations that I was supplying a certain British sitcom actor with newborns as part of some kind of demonic ritual. Geriatrics is an awful place - you can't imagine how annoying it is, running around changing catheters and bedpans whilst those decrepit old folk selfishly cling on to life. Fortunately I have stumbled upon a brilliant solution - simply stick the elderly oxygen-thieves in front of a My Family DVD and witness their will to live drop down to zero in no time! Then all I have to do is send them off to the morgue and I'm free to spend the rest of my day swigging special brew behind the nurses station!

Britain's Got More Talent (2007– )

The best way to ease that post-BGT feeling of shame

[1/10 · 2 May 2012]

I love Britain's Got Talent, but I've always struggled with the deep sense of shame I feel after spending an hour of my Saturday evening watching a quartet of millionaires belittle and humiliate the disadvantaged. I always used to attempt to drown this self-loathing with hard liquor and prescription painkillers, but not anymore! Britain's Got More talent means that, instead, I can simply switch to ITV2 and spend another hour seeing my fellow human beings being torn to shreds in front of a baying crowd! BGMT's enjoyment factor is increased by the fact that none of the acts featured on it ever make it to the finals - meaning that even if the judges say "yes", you can still feel the warm satisfaction of knowing that their dreams are going to die soon anyway.

As much as I love this programme, there are a few improvements I'd like to see implemented in future series:

• The emotional injuries suffered by the contestants are hugely enjoyable, but I think it would be even more comical if they were to suffer physical injuries too. Perhaps the judges and crowd should be supplied with sharp objects to throw. Or, instead of merely shouting "OFF! OFF! OFF!" at unpopular acts, the crowd should be allowed to storm the stage and beat the contestant into unconsciousness.

• More children! BGT has been groundbreaking in it's brave attempts to humiliate all kinds of people, regardless of their age or mental handicaps, but by far the most hilarious victims are children. In future, at least three pre-teens should be reduced to floods of tears every episode (at present there's usually only one or two).

• Follow-ups! I would get more pleasure from these public humiliations if I were able to see the ongoing psychological damage that the victims suffer. There should be a third show (Britain's Got Even More Talent), in which those who are claxoned off stage are followed around by a camera crew - then we could witness them being mocked in the street, sneered at by their co-workers, and sobbing quietly and uncontrollably as they remember their ordeal.

Britain's Got Talent (2007– )

A must-watch for the 21st century sociopath

[1/10 · 28 April 2012]

Like most people, I get immense pleasure from seeing a child cry. Oh, how I love to watch the tears roll down their little faces! I also love seeing the mentally ill being publicly humiliated - well, who doesn't? Unfortunately, it has become less and less acceptable to seek out and publicly mock infants and the disabled.

Thank God for Britain's Got Talent! Finally, we are free to laugh at the disadvantaged without being shunned by our peers. I literally cannot think of a better Saturday night's television than watching a quartet of millionaires sat behind a desk sneering at the disillusioned, disadvantaged and disturbed. Each episode allows you to cackle with glee as a stream of human beings' hopes and dreams are destroyed in front of the entire nation - what could be more heart-warming than that?

The judges are what really make the show what it is - after all, who could possibly be a better judge of "talent" than Amanda Holden? Her role in that programme about hairdressers is widely regarded as the greatest character portrayal of all time. Presumably the sheer strength of this performance is why we've not seen her act in anything since then.

Simon Cowell is brilliant. I love the way he sneers at the inept auditionees for "wasting his time" - how dare they? I mean, it's not like he gets paid millions for his appearance on the show! And the contestants certainly aren't pre-screened by producers before they're sent out onto the stage!

The star-power of the judging panel has really been upped this year, however, with the addition of Alesha Dixon. Yes, the greatest female artist of the millennium - I'm sure we all remember her smash-hit single "Knockdown" which reached the dizzying heights of number 45 in the UK charts.

Britain's Got Talent does an amazing job of bringing the Victorian 'freak show' concept into the 21st century, and the culture of the UK is truly richer now that we can take pleasure from the humiliation of strangers from the comfort of our own living rooms!

Unforgettable (2011–2016)

Not quite "unforgettable"

[4/10 · 31 March 2012]

This programme works off a premise that seems to be plucked from a Catherine Tate sketch. I don't recall the protagonist's name - so I shall call her Memory Lady. As a child, Memory Lady was bitten by a radioactive elephant and consequently gained the power to never forget anything. Ever. Well, apart from her sister's murder (something which slightly undermines her superpower). Anyways, after being rejected by the X-Men for having the naffest superpower ever, Memory Lady has decided to join the New York police where she uses her magic mind-powers to fight crime.

Of course, some might think it's a bit of a flaw to have a cop-show in which the police have a super-powered advantage over the criminals: after all, Law and Order SVU wouldn't work quite so well if Benson and Stabler could shoot fireballs and read minds. This is why - like all superheroes - Memory Lady has been given a weakness: whilst she's very good at remembering things, she's not very good at noticing stuff. The first time I saw Memory Lady in action, she received a phone-call from a serial killer informing her that he would be claiming another victim in fifteen minutes time. After the call ends, Memory Lady and her sidekicks spend around two minutes fretting over how on Earth they are going to locate him before Memory Lady remembers that she is good at remembering stuff. She remembers back to the phone call, and recalls hearing a train-station announcement in the background: "He's in a train station!" she exclaims excitedly. Now, if Memory Lady had had the sense to be paying attention during the phone call, then she could have imparted this information two minutes earlier - quite a time-advantage seeing as they only had fifteen minutes until the next murder.

This weakness reveals itself again at the climax of the episode: whilst in a showdown with the suspected killer on a ferry, Memory Lady neglects to notice the clues dotted around the boat that hint to his identity and show the he knows she's there. Memory Lady manages to recall seeing these notes a mere five hours after the event.

I don't know whether this show is going to go on to better-develop the premise, but in the episode that I saw it was utterly irrelevant. It wouldn't take a mega-memory to hear the background noise in a telephone conversation, or spot a note containing your name in giant letters that is right in front of your face. Still, despite this, it was actually quite watchable - and the ludicrous idea behind it sort of gives it a campy charm.

American Pie Presents: The Book of Love (2009 Video)

Why?

[1/10 · 19 March 2012]

Seriously, who is paying to watch these things? This is the seventh American Pie film - despite the fact that any humour, charm or originality that the original had had run out about halfway through American Pie 2. The soft-core porn element is totally defunct in the internet age, and the plots have come to resemble episodes of Skins written by a Barbary macaque. In fact, Skins is worth mentioning - as it shows that teen comedies can actually be funny, well-written and intelligent. Compared to that, tripe like American Pie 7 is just insulting to teenage boys. Surely, this has to be the last of this franchise - I cannot understand why anyone would be paying money to watch or rent this tosh.

TMZ on TV (2007– )

Educational, inspiring stuff

[1/10 · 19 March 2012]

I was flicking through the channels yesterday when I stumbled across TMZ on TV for the first time, just as they were asking the question "What is Matthew Perry up to nowadays?"

"Oh my gosh", I thought to myself, "I've been so busy worrying about the situation in Syria, the Eurozone Crisis, and the conflict in Libya that I've completely forgotten to keep up to date with the life of Matthew Perry". Ashamed of my ignorance, I stayed tuned and watched those fearless TMZ reporters, valiant guardians of truth that they are, chase Matthew Perry across a restaurant car park whilst shouting insightful questions like "Matthew, who were you with tonight?" and "Matthew, do you still talk to Matt le Blanc?" These are questions that we all need to know the answers to, and yet the BBC and CNN stubbornly refuse to report on them - preferring to focus on trivial matters like famines, droughts and wars. Thank God that TMZ on TV is here to supply us with real, hard-hitting, investigative journalism!

Ben & Arthur (2002)

Superb

[1/10 · 18 March 2012]

Finally, a film that isn't afraid to confront the real problems facing homosexual men in the 21st century. Every year, thousands of gays are forced to resort to murder, arson and incest in order to thwart their hyper-religious homicidal family's members' evil schemes, and Ben & Arthur tackles this issue head-on.

The word "genius" doesn't quite do justice to writer/producer/assistant producer/director/actor Sam Mraovich's filmmaking talents. As an innovator and risk-taker, Mraovich bravely chose to eschew conventional methods, and filmed his masterpiece using a Nokia 3200 (the same mobile phone was also used to create the film's musical score), thus giving the film a delightful shaky feel - as if it were being recorded by a drunken Parkinson's sufferer.

The quality of acting is magnificent - so few actors these days are brave enough to stare directly into the camera, or have the skills to recite their lines as if they hadn't even read the script. Each character is beautifully written: Arthur (played by Mraovich himself) is the hero of the piece, a simple man who washes paper cups for a living and is struggling with a terrible mental illness that causes irrational outbursts, murderous tendencies, and an inability to run like a normal human. His lover, Ben, is a master of deceit - he has managed to be in a cohabiting relationship with Arthur for the last five years whilst being secretly married to woman who was completely in the dark about his other life. How Ben pulled off this elaborate deception is never elaborated upon, as master-director Mraovich really knows how to create a sense of intrigue. Arthur's brother, Victor, is the main antagonist - a fanatical Christian who attends a papièr-maché church. He is portrayed brilliantly by Michael Harboush, famous for his role as "Hospital Intern learning from Michael Mancini" in Melrose place.

Sam Mraovich's commitment to equal-opportunities is demonstrated by the casting of a recently-lobotomised stoner as Ben and Arthur's lawyer - a brave move that could have easily backfired, the actress managed to overcome her limitations and deliver an astounding verbatim performance - you can hardly tell that she had had her frontal lobe removed just 3 hours prior to filming!

I don't understand the criticism that this film has received - I imagine that those negative posters must either be embittered homophobes, or just too limited to fully comprehend Mraovich's genius.