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Reviews
Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)
Wow, wow, wow ... and wow.
**NO SPOILERS**
So it was 3 or 4 in the morning, my brother and I were flipping through channels not really paying attention to much when our lives were changed forever:
I consider myself a decent Christian but this movie does more than just controvert my contention in a higher being: it puts into contention the question of man being the dominant species on this planet. Has all that is good and holy become debauched to the point of parched, vain chivalry and festering words of atonement for things that have now come to pass? How does one not now question all things right and true in the world? Will Shavout now be replaced with Whitsunday and Christ's Festival be all about corporate Marxism for the executors in life? Maybe all things have come to past, leaving the door open for Revelations. All I can do is sigh and throw my shoulders up and slowly fall into a mental diapause. Much like this movie will create for you: a point where physiological activity is diminished. There is no aversion from this pathetic title that saves any shred of decency these thespians who tirelessly contrived to create something of monstrous proportions. An epoch of evil, if you will. A tired debauchery indeed.
The premise(s) of this movie are as follows:
1.) A snowman is the villain.
2.) The snowman kills people.
3.) The snowman goes to the Caribbean to kill more people.
4.) Murder and dismay commence.
Ironically, murder and dismay are two colloquial terms for this movie. So, I say now, why not enjoy this movie because everything else in the world is dead to me from hence forth.
Bottom Line: '0.2' out of 10 because of a scene involving a snowman, an alarm saw and a sexual connotation that acquiesced chuckling from my belly to cover the ravaging of my soul.
Alexander (2004)
If you are thinking about watching this movie ....
**NO SPOILERS**
Me and my brother seriously thought that this movie MIGHT be worth while. We sat down for this movie having no idea that Mr. Oliver Stone had such evil in store for us. This movie seriously should have been called "Alexander: Didn't You Know He Was Gay?." I have never seen a movie have so many references to homosexuality in my entire life. Right there, you should know that bringing kids under the age of, oh lets say, 40 should not see this atrocious blunder of money, time and marketing effort. Maybe I'm not artsy, maybe I don't understand what I am missing but seriously Oliver Stone almost makes you wonder about his personal life.
If this hasn't stopped you from seeing this movie, read the following:
Step 1.) Stand Up from the Computer Screen
Step 2.) Raise right hand to sky
Step 3.) Send right hand thrusting downward to right cheek
Step 4.) Repeat until nigh on unconscious and bloodied
There, now you know what watching this movie is like.
Acting was par to sub-par throughout, historically speaking - almost completely inaccurate, and I seriously can't believe that Sir Anthony Hopkins even gave this movie the time of day to be the narrator after reading the script: assuming he read the script. Shame on those FOUR overpaid editors (Yann Hervé, Gladys Joujou, Alex Marquez, Thomas J. Nordberg) who made the first 2 hours seem more eclectic than quotes from a drug-frenzied Peter Griffin during an ether binge. Government monkeys from the movie Project X could have done a better job making this movie.
Bottom Line: On a Scale of 1 to 10, this movie gets a '1.0,' because the last 30 minutes almost make you believe Stone was trying to direct.
Twisted (2004)
A Twisted Piece of Crap
** NO SPOILERS ** Alright, I rent this movie seein' Ashley Judd, Samuel L. Jackson and Andy Garcia and think "Wow, this could be a good movie." I pop it in and I am completely serious: I turned it off after 3 minutes. Here's why:
The beginning scene starts with a mysterious back drop around San Francisco with misty clouds, birds flying and Ashley Judd with a knife to her throat by none other than Leland Orser - if you don't know who he is, then search for him on IMDb now believe me you've seen him before. Its obvious that Orser is trying to rape her. As the knife is on her throat, he reaches inside her jacket and starts groping her breasts then he starts going "south of the border" and recoils his hand saying, "Whats this!?!" Judd then quickly responds, "my gun," and then proceeds to karate chop - i'm not kidding, almost Austin Powers Style and just as ridiculous - Orser to the ground. Orser, now handcuffed in what was more of a cow-tie rancher scene, then props up to his knees pleading with Judd to let him go! After he just tried to rape and do God knows what else to her. Judd, who is now pointing the gun at him, then walks up to him and says ALMOST BREAKING A SMILE , "Oh yeah, and one more thing..." and kicks him in the face: End Of Scene! I almost puked right there from the poisons Hollywood added to this unfiltered Twisted Piece of Crap! Seriously, they should have taken the God-awful amount of money in this movie and spent it researching new ways to get teenagers addicted to cigarettes: it would have been better spent.
Bottom Line: On a scale of 1 to 10, I give this movie a '0.5' because Ashley Judd is hot. End.