Lazersetcetera Reviews

Dinner Rush (2000)

Yum yum

[9/10 · 31 July 2004]

I've had to add my comments, mainly to underline the concencus; this film has been woefully underexposed considering its quality.

This is a tight piece of work. There are clear but useful metaphors such as the rush between plots and stories being reflected by the rush of the service counter. There are some accurate truths about restaurants such as the fights and the sweat in the kitchen being distilled into glorious amuse bouche. There is an intimacy between the characters compounded by the packed tables and the candlelight.

I have been that barman btw. Everyone's my friend, I am the oracle. Excellent.

All in all, a splendid and tasty platter, highly recommended. It must also have been done on a budget of under $4-5 million too, so hats off.

The only thing I could have done with would have been more of the sexy black lass Ken chats up at the bar. Still, this film knows a lot about making one's mouth water.

Look Around You (2002–2005)

You might learn something.

[17 May 2004]

Children go to school. Sometimes teachers are lazy and they use educational TV shows.

This is a series of educational TV shows. Luckily they're very short shows so you don't have to concentrate too hard!

If you think the DVD is too short maybe you can watch the testcard to recreate those days off sick.

I was going to write this review in the style of kids/Open University TV... but I can't, it is late. And I'm not the writer of this fabulous series.

Please please see it if you possibly can. 10/10 do not miss.

True Identity (1991)

So so. For LH fans.

[6/10 · 17 May 2004]

It was alright. not a bad little flick and didn't look too expensive to make, handy considering its box office. Still, it has that 1990s TVM look that dates movies horribly. I'm no scholar of film stock and the like but it is an especially unappealing way to photograph a movie.

The music is awful too, farty horns and slap bass supplying the cheap, 'funky' incidentals and songs.

Also bad (and a major flaw) is Lenny's American accent which is unconvincing and surprising considering his talent to mimic and impersonate. His Mafiosi is oddly more believable than his Harlem bloke.

The makers clearly missed a trick here. Lenny should have been allowed to make his white character from Dudley and the difference of voice and behaviour would have been bigger and funnier. I imagine that this didn't happen because 1) It would have required a crowbar to force that into the plot and 2) it would have been ridiculous in extreme. British readers may (like me) relish the idea of Lenny in whiteface talking rubbish about the baggies and yam yam and Wolvo but it would be more or less imcomprehensible to normal people.

Lenny is by no means perfect in this but he is the entire reason I give it 6, but then again I remember the bucket of water song. oooooooooooooooookkkaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy

Punch-Drunk Love (2002)

Love this knockabout comedy

[9/10 · 8 May 2004]

I'm often suspicious of films with maguffins. Sometimes they are substitutes for solid hooks for the plot to hang off. Still, PTA has a handle on them...

So we have a little piano which does not drive the story forward and long, lingering shots of a stark warehouse. Heavy chunks of langourous atmosphere, softened with ethereal cocktail music - in an Adam Sandler comedy clocking in at 90 minutes? Should be awful.

Not so. It's fabulous. I laughed so hard at times I had to wipe a tear. I won't bother with spoilers but the telephone girl and the pudding collection are very funny indeed.

PTA gets the best out of monkeyboy. He keeps Sandler's energy pressed down, allowing him to vent ferociously when released. Note the way the handle his over the top door trashing at his sister's house.

Two contrasting points to illustrate....something.

the restraint by Sandler and Hoffman in the final confrontation is very funny and totally realistic. It contrasts wonderfully with sandler's golf club attack on the brothers, which, in a jolly comedy is jaw-droppingly violent.

Excellent work all round. Must mention Jon Brion who wrote the score, another example of a fine talent working on this excellent film.

Knight Moves (1992)

Boring rubbish full of poseurs

[2/10 · 6 May 2004]

This film is absurd hokum of the first water.

Here is a sample line of the tense dialogue, delivered by Christopher 'The Method' Lambert: "I'm getting pretty close pal, and I'm gonna nail yo ass to the wall!".

It is rubbish this one, watch it for a laugh but it's pretty dull so that might be tricky. Still there's stuff to look out for.

1) Silly second guessing murderer/chess move plot. luckily the crime busting chess grandmaster Highlander is to the rescue. Cue lots of piffle about 'checkmate' and whatnot.

2) Whatever happened to Diane Lane? A very attractive woman indeed, however she is in a shockingly unsexy sex scene with Lambo, all silk curtains over a pristine four poster.

3) There's sundry other boring nonsense. And there's a bloke who looks like Tobey maguire in it but it might be TM, I didn't look so hard.

Not recommended, except ironically maybe.

The Omega Code (1999)

Camp drivel designed to exploit windowlickers

[1/10 · 27 April 2004]

This movie is, to begin with, deeply offensive. Taking a subject many folk believe in then building a cynical, impossible lie of a story on it, based (not as some would have you believe, Revelations) on a cheap, National Enquirer style sensationalist bit of airport reading trash like the Bible Code (BTW you know they've done 'The Da Vinci code' now too) is offensive not just to anyone who cares about how a premise for a film gets the green light but more disturbingly to anyone who is a mug for this sort of thing.

Now I'm from England so my knowledge of US Christianity is limited but most positive respondents to this pile of pants appear to take it as much as gospel truth as er... the Gospels. That is worrying because in many cases they overlook the eye-popping absurdity of the film. And they should be aware...

Now I missed some of the movie because i took the precaution to be good and drunk while watching this and I fell asleep in some of the slower bits. however, I loved the bits I did see. Highlights and there are no SPOILERS, it can't be done:

Caspar and york's initial conversation was the campiest piffle I've ever seen, I've seen more macho dialogue in Maurice. I have no idea how they kept straight faces.

The dodgy angel guys chasing down the Jewish guy was the least thrilling chase down in any movie. The chuckle brothers are more tense.

The explosion was hopelessly weedy. It was.... I can't be bothered. This film was pathetically horrible. The only reason to watch it is to drink heavily with and chuck junk at the telly. Funny stuff and utter bollox

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)

Amazing this plodding bore has conned so many.

[3/10 · 27 April 2004]

I've given this movie some points because there are some technical areas which are done more than competently... ...A great deal more than competently, splendidly in fact. What a waste. Hitchcock said the 3 things to make a great movie were 'a great script, a great script and a great script'. All of the talented film makers involved in this drivel must have been creaming themselves so heavily in an orgy of self-congratulation that they neglected they were making a movie and less forgivably, being a kung-fu movie, an entertainment.

This dog failed to entertain utterly. Chow Yun Fat is a great favourite of mine and so obviously they ruined it by giving him a character with no character. Same with Yeoh. The script was risible and self-important.

It went on forever, I couldn't watch it in one sitting.

The main part of the film was the fight sequences. I have never been so bored in any film. I have no problem with fantasy and can suspend disbelief (I like LOTR well enough for example) but I do have problems with something that tries to justify its unbelievable nature by being boring. Episodes of Monkey were more engrossing.

A terrible movie, a terrible waste of time and talent. Impressive to those who'd go 'ooh' at a Jean Michelle jarre light show.

Rubbish. Watch Enter the Dragon instead or if you like Mr. Chow, Hard Boiled.

Grease 2 (1982)

Banal rubbish

[2/10 · 27 April 2004]

Only an idiot would enjoy this chod without irony. Bless Pfeiffer, she escaped from this black hole of rubbish. Grease 1 was bad enough but at least the songs had some merit and the leads and Channing held it together. This however replaces the songs with dirges, the lyrics with doggerel and the sometimes glitzy '50s production design with campy nonsense. Horrible. The only thing they keep from the original is having fools run around with their chav mates.

The film is also, one must remember extremely boring. It's pitched at such an infantile level one wonders who the target audience is. There's not enough action or slapstick for the under 5s which are surely the only ones satisfied by the story.

Nasty cheap junk. It gets 2 stars not one just because of maxwell caulfield who is hilarious as always, see La femme nikita if in doubt.

Ready to Wear (1994)

Boring and silly BUT

[26 April 2004]

Tracy Ullman's story is quite diverting. Everett's character is absolutely right, those airheads are begging for it I swear.

i know it's not at all intellectually considered but the only bit I really paid attention to was all the naked models at the end which, what anyone says was visually stimulating to me. So much so I rewound it and regretted i had sat through the previous hour and a half. They're really yummy. Mmmn. And yes, they're naked as a critique on fashion pretentions but the film fails many times on that level so one should try to enjoy the little that is there, which, in this case is some glum faced chicks with very fine bodies, simple as that.