Kenneth_Loring Reviews

Jingle All the Way (1996)

It's a Jingle all the way out there...

[1/10 · 24 November 2009]

People complain that movies about Christmas are too much about commercialism. This one most definitely is about commercialism and NOTHING else. The little brat named Jamie(Jake "I ruined Star Wars forever" Lloyd) makes his father promise to buy him a Turbo man doll for Christmas and acts like a spoiled brat when he doesn't get what he wants. Attempts at jokes are lame and stupid. Sinbad is horrible in this movie, and Arnold's only funny line is "Put dat cookhie down!". This movie also features the late Phil Hartman who is scummy and sleazy and evil in this movie. To sum up, the movie says you can ONLY be happy by getting material things for Christmas and it's worth it for adults to try and murder children for lame pieces of plastic. This movie is awful. If Arnold took out a gun, shot Jamie, shot Sinbad, and shot Phil Hartman(Yes, I know that's in bad taste), this would have been a tolerable movie. As it is though it is horrible, horrible, horrible. Avoid like the plague.

TMNT (2007)

It's not a movie... it's a video game

[1/10 · 16 November 2009]

That is of course not to say that video games can't have beautiful cut scenes with a great, inventive story. Nothing about this movie is inventive though, and nothing about it makes sense either(Much like a video game). The villain of this movie and these 13 monsters are completely uninspired and resemble your by the numbers bad guy in a cartoon film. The turtles even fight against each other, which makes very little sense, and finally when we reach the climax(And I use the term very loosely here), we are unimpressed with what happens. Basically, at the end I don't feel that any effort or love was put into the script at all. Even during the film they have the gall to put the name of each Ninja Turtle on the screen when they first appear! What?! Did the director really think the vast majority of people who were seeing this movie wouldn't know who the Turtles are?! Frankly, I feel that this is proof positive that the director is insulting the intelligence of Ninja Turtle fans everywhere. This is a very poor reboot of the franchise. If you absolutely have to, just see the original live action movie made back in 1990.

2012 (I) (2009)

Yes... we were warned... About how crappy this movie would be!

[1/10 · 15 November 2009]

2012... the number of people that had to see the movie before the public finally realized that it sucked. It's a shame because Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich can't direct action scenes to save their lives, and decided instead to write the movie to utilize every disaster movie cliché in the book since it was written in the 70's with the likes of "Earthquake" and "Airport". It's a cheesy story that you've seen before. There are cheesy death scenes where after somebody dies they look at the sky and yell "MENDOZAAAAAA!!!!!". Yes, it is that bad. This movie is so bad that even rednecks think this is way over the top. If Liberace were alive, he would say "This is the gayest thing I've ever seen... and my house is covered in mirrors!". Anyways, please skip it. Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich are dried up hacks who don't know how to do anything but make disaster movies, which honestly takes a bare minimum of talent.

The Men Who Stare at Goats (2009)

A great Star Wars prequel... is this movie

[7/10 · 8 November 2009]

Okay, I know that sounds bizarre, but stay with me. Two guys lost in the desert who are captured by evil creatures that wear clothes that hide their faces and bodies. There's a guy who has a prosthetic arm who probably lost it in a Jedi duel. Ewan Macgregor trains to be a Jedi. Yes, this movie is a Star Wars prequel IN DISGUISE. The movie is insane, wacky, but has some very slow moments here and there. This movie is whacked out, and at least has an original story premise. Jeff Bridges plays a cross between Hunter S Thompson and Maynard G. Krebs. He convinces the Army that they should start a "New Earth" army where "Jedi" fight the enemy with their minds. There are several funny moments, hilarious flashbacks, and some of the most crazy moments ever filmed. This movie is good. Check it out.

Pokémon: The First Movie - Mewtwo Strikes Back (1998)

Should have been called "What the hell mon?"

[3/10 · 6 November 2009]

Anime is usually pretty cool. This is a rare exception though. Pokemon has been well-established as a franchise with cartoons, toys, movies, made-for-TV movies and made for direct-to-DVD movies as understandable only by children. I was briefly involved in the craze for a couple months before I realized the story had nowhere to go. The movie is basically the same. Young Ash and his buddies are invited by the pokemon Mewtwo to a tournament to fight other Pokemon. On the way there are really, really awful jokes about vikings and inane fight scenes. I gotta tell you something funny, I actually saw this movie in the theater back in 1999, and I remember kids being so bored they constantly got up to go get snacks during the most "exciting" parts of the movie. During the so called finale where clones of the pokemon fight each other I'm totally confused. The pokemon trainers come to a startling conclusion: Fighting is bad(Keep this in mind for later). Then Ash wants to stop the fighting so he runs between two of the pokemon and gets turned to stone. Then the pokemon cry and the tears turn Ash back to normal... WHAT?! You're kidding me. This movie is trying to teach the lesson that if you cry hard enough your loved ones will come back!? Bull! Then finally at the end the memory of Ash and everyone else is erased so the lesson that fighting is bad is basically gone. Isn't this pretty hypocritical? I mean first they acknowledge that fighting is bad, and then they go back to fighting because they have no problem with exploiting these poor creatures. Ironic, and hypocritical. I mean there's no story! It's just about Pokemon fighting and everything learned is erased by your stereotypical deus ex machina. I would expect that lazy plot device in an episode of the show, not a full length movie. Once again, for a kid's movie this is terrible.

We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story (1993)

This animated crap makes no sense at all

[1/10 · 6 November 2009]

We have reached the ceiling of implausibility with this movie. Basically, Dinosaurs come aboard this ship piloted by some weird old fart named Neweyes(which I needed after I watched this movie). Apparently, Neweyes hears the wishes of children everywhere and decides that he should grant the wish of children that Dinosaurs be brought into modern times to be seen by everybody for shameless exploitation. The dinosaurs eat this stuff that makes them smarter(Too bad the screenwriters didn't have it). By the way, does it seem weird that out of ALL the wishes of the children in the world, Neweyes grants the wish of bringing Dinosaurs to modern times? Why not grant the wishes of kids to stop famine? Disease? War? I mean come on! Doesn't Neweyes have anything better to do with all this power he has??? Finally, when the Dinosaurs get to modern times they start singing, dancing and wrecking havoc(basically the kind of thing you might see on a bad LSD trip, I mean where else could you see a T-Rex playing golf and jumping on a balloon of Spider-man?). They end up in the circus and Neweyes Brother Screweyes(???) makes the kids that have befriended the dinosaurs sign a blank contract. Why? Why would kids sign a blank contract??? Screweyes says that if the dinosaurs take some..."Brain-Drain" That he will let the children go. The dinosaurs instead of tearing apart the evil Screweyes limb from limb, give in and agree to his terms. What?! This is stupid! They could have just menaced him, made him drop the contract, eaten it then walked off with the kids. I think the filmmakers were trying to show that violence is bad, which is a moot point when finally the dinosaurs escape and a bunch of crows envelop Screweyes and apparently completely eat him. Oh yeah, that's not violent at all! We're back makes no sense, it's not fun, it's goofy, it's stupid, poorly written and contains some of the biggest plot holes ever committed to film. Even for a kid's film... this is BAD.

Seraphim Falls (2006)

Filled with gaping plot holes and hampered by a massively weak story

[3/10 · 25 October 2009]

I really can't explain the popularity of this movie among IMDb users. I really can't, not when it is completely silly, filled with ridiculous plot holes, cartoonish scenes and ridiculous inconsistencies. Pierce Brosnan plays a guy named Gideon, who is being hunted relentlessly by a guy named Carver(Liam Neeson). One of the first scenes in the movie involves Pierce Brosnan falling down a very mountainous, steep snowbank for several minutes before coming to rest, then soon after he drops a knife from a branch near the top of a tree, impaling one of Liam's henchman through the head... WHAT?! It's barely 20 minutes into the movie and we already have 2 very ridiculous and cartoonish scenes. Gideon steals the gun from the dumb dead guy who inexplicably somehow managed to inexplicably get hit right between the eyes with a buck knife. Carver then goes on to say "We've got him now!"... Yes Liam, the guy is armed with a gun now... you definitely have him now.

Then there's a scene where Carver finally has Gideon. He's aiming a gun right at Gideon's back, and Gideon whistles for his horse, which SOMEHOW distracts Carver from shooting him in the back!!! What the heck??? And don't say Carver wanted to see his face or not shoot him in the back, because seconds later Carver tries to shoot Gideon in the back with his rifle.

We eventually learn that Gideon was once a soldier in the Union army who burned down Carver's house and killed his family. Seriously people, how much more cliché can you get for a western movie? The movie goes off track though and even though Carver viciously hunts Gideon relentlessly throughout the movie despite anything and everything... he decides in the end not to kill him. So, is this a cheap cop-out? Or was the writer trying to tell a morality tale? Well if he wanted to tell a morality tale that would be fine...however, Carver gives us all the impression that he wouldn't rest until Gideon was dead. No, there is no excuse for this crappy ending. If there was a solid reason for Carver to stop hunting him, then that's fine. But there is no reason for him to stop.

Ultimately, the actors are good, but the script is poor, the plot holes are endless, and the movie is boring as hell. Avoid this inexplicably popular western.

The Invention of Lying (2009)

A potentially good idea that ends up being gimmicky and predictable.

[1/10 · 12 October 2009]

What happens in a world where one guy ends up being the first one to invent the lie? I don't know, basically the premise makes absolutely no sense at all to me. Even when Ricky Gervais's character discovers he can lie he fails to do anything remotely creative with his newfound ability. He can mold the world to be whatever he wants, but he ultimately ends up looking and acting bored throughout the whole movie. That's the problem with this movie. He doesn't really seem all that excited to have such a great power, and he doesn't even take advantage of it in the most obvious of ways! Why doesn't he go around telling lies about that glasses guy in order to ruin him? I don't know. The movie also pokes fun at religion in general. However, it also fails to even consider the possibility that there may be a higher power at all. In doing so, the movie is arrogant, egotistical, and completely close-minded to any possibilities. The movie is not funny, it's not entertaining, it's barely charming and Ricky Gervais sucks. He's probably the least funny British guy to ever walk the face of the Earth.

The Sum of All Fears (2002)

See Ben Affleck suck as Jack Ryan

[1/10 · 17 July 2006]

The biggest flaw this movie had was the fact that it changed the leading man to the horribly inferior Ben Affleck, who rejects this movie like a body rejects can organ. He totally plays the role as though he is more like he is on heavy doses of Thorazine. In other words he puts nothing of himself into the role of Jack Ryan at all. Ben Affleck is a horrible Jack Ryan. He is completely lifeless and devoid of the passion displayed by far better actors in the role of Ryan. The other problem with this movie is that the story is played far more scary then exciting, which makes it not the least bit entertaining. Unfortunately, the movie is also at a loss for necessary drama. Sum of all fears tried desperately to be a good movie, but it's not even a half-way decent one. You can thank Ben Affleck for not being able to camouflage himself into the role for that.

The Lizzie McGuire Movie (2003)

Hilary Dufus's craptacular film

[1/10 · 9 October 2005]

Lizzie Macguire is so pathetically cutesy and repulsive you can barely stand watching her alabaster white face factory assembled visage as well as the half-assed even for a children's story a very bad story. Hilary Duff, despite popular belief has only one thing going for her, her annoying cuteness. No, she cannot sing, dance or act. The director could have at least made this a feel good movie and portray the evisceration of Lizzie Macguire somewhere in the movie, since she is not this is a horrible movie that pounds your face in until your face is puckered much like the butt-holes who financed this crap. It meanders with Lizzie looking for a love interest, finding him, losing him and then cutely prancing off unfortunately not into a meat grinder but safe and sound back into her school... dammit.