firehawk-ws6 Reviews

Family Guy: It's a Trap! (2011) Season 9, Episode 18

It's Definitely a TRAP...

[1/10 · 26 December 2010]

Let me preface this bad review with the following statement: I'm a HUGE Family Guy fan. I loved the Star Wars parody. I chuckled a few times during the Empire parody. But this latest installation? Not ONE laugh. Not even close. At least McFarland makes a "sorry about this one" statement during the initial "scroll". He covered his butt on it.

It's painfully obvious that this one was rushed through. It's cliché and tired, and it never seems to get off and running. I can rank it as worse than the season-ending "stuck in the bank" episode that recently aired. The extended "nod" joke in the Tatooine desert was just...I dunno, PAINFUL to watch.

Don't go into this one expecting good entertainment. It's just not there. As a matter of fact, I didn't even make it to the ending. I woke up as the end credits were rolling, pulled the DVD out of the player and put it back in the case. That's likely where it's gonna stay for a long, long time.

If I could ship this one off to a galaxy far, far away...I'd do it. Watch it once if you're a fan..and then let it go.

Poseidon (2006)

Rogue Wave Should'v Sunk This Movie...Not the ship...

[2/10 · 23 May 2006]

Not exactly sure what I was expecting out of "Poseidon", but that certainly helped when I went to see it. I could only be at least partially disappointed...

Not much else to add to everything that's been said here. No setup for the story. You're just kind of launched right into it all. No character development. You just don't find yourself caring about whether these people live or die. It's like...."Eh..." Yet another Hollywood special effects/CGI-fest. I guess they're all counting on the mindless movie-going attitude to carry this film.

Without going into the ending, I'll leave with this: It was absolutely RIDICULOUS...a total insult to intelligence. Pass on this one without regret. Or, rent it at BlockBuster when it goes on clearance. Otherwise, don't waste your time...

Alone in the Dark (2005)

Previously Viewed @ Blockbuster for $4.99...

[1/10 · 28 April 2006]

...and it wasn't even worth that. I had not seen or heard of this, but the cover looked pretty cool. I looked at my friend and said "Eh, for $4.99, how bad can it be?" Sadly, after watching it, I realized the money would have been better suited for buying a Whopper combo.

Christian Slater is, well...Christian Slater. You get the same type of performance you've always gotten from him: Nasally, monotone and uninterested. And Tara Reid? Gads, who pays this woman to actually play a part in a movie anymore? Awful. Just terrible. You can't help but laugh at both of them.

This movie seemed to be a cross between "Relic", "Aliens" and "Starship Troopers." Except Aliens and Troopers were very good. This one? It should have never happened. There are inconsistencies everywhere. One of the more obvious was the Asian female soldier ACTUALLY GETTING UP after she was dead in the chamber! I mean, does anyone REVIEW this crap before sending it to theaters? Spare yourself the time. It's not worth wasting an hour and a half of your life.

The Fog (2005)

This movie ROCKED.......me to sleep.

[1/10 · 25 October 2005]

After having read a few of the comments that have already been left, it wouldn't make much sense for me to add much more than has already been said. You've been warned: This is an hour and a half of your life that you will never, ever recover....and you will be irritated for it. ZERO chemistry between characters, sub-par acting at best, no story continuity, and, most importantly, NO SCARE FACTOR. I actually found myself chuckling through a few scenes that were supposed to be suspenseful. Terrible. With the technology available today, this had some serious promise to be an improvement over the original, but it failed miserably. Watch the original Fog.....

The Ring Two (2005)

"Ring 2 Got Run Over By a Reindeer...."

[2/10 · 13 May 2005]

On a whim, I stopped into the discount "have-run" movie theater last night, plunked down that whopping $1.50 to see this movie....and regretted wasting that, along with 2+ hours of my life that I will never, ever recover. I should have spent the $1.50 toward supersizing my Whopper value meal that I ate before the movie. It would have been more satisfying.

This movie has absolutely NO chill factor, whatsoever. Sure, some of the little perks from the first Ring show up here and there, such as the freaky faces of Samara's victims, and the applicable soundtrack. And I'll give semi-kudos to the last well scene, where Samara is crawling up the rock wall. Truly, a cool shot. It was only ruined by the fact that there was no parting shot of Samara's face as the well was shut, which would really have redeemed that scene. Other than that, this movie was a complete laugher. Literally. The audience was howling during the deer scene.

You're going to be left with questions, as Samara is never fully explained as far as WHAT she is. Demon? Devil? Evil Spirit? The movie won't tell you.

The ending disappoints, as we learn that the way to stop Samara isn't all that complicated...just shut the darn well! Wow.....

A complete waste of time. It should have stopped with the much more watchable Ring 1.

An Officer and a Gentleman (1982)

Time-Tested Classic!

[9/10 · 21 April 2005]

This one NEVER gets old to me! I was just a kid the first time I saw it, and it stuck with me for years after. It did give me somewhat of an idea of what to expect when I joined the Marines and went to boot camp...somewhat...ours was MUCH worse...lol! Anyway, the plus side to this movie is the simple fact that you can emotionally attach yourself to these characters. I think all of the actors did a great job, and I became an instant Gosset Jr. fan after this one. Until Iron Eagle....UGH! Louis, WHAT were you thinking? The only scene I found unrealistic was toward the end, after Sid's death, when Mayo confronted Foley in front of the platoon, calling him out. In the real military world, Mayo would have been locked up quicker than a flash for insubordination. Same applies to the scene where he confronted Foley after Sid's DOR. But, Hollywood had to give the audience the satisfaction of the underling turning around and picking on the big, bad drill instructor.

The 80's were a simple time...and this is a simple, easy to follow movie. I'll still watch it to this day, and enjoy it every time.

I understand Debra Winger was miserable during the filming of this movie. Especially during one particular intimate scene with Gere...she did NOT want to film that scene, but went through with it. The tears falling down her cheek are there for this very reason. Interesting.

Watch this movie. You won't regret it. It brings back some great memories for me.

National Treasure (2004)

Pretty Fun!

[7/10 · 21 April 2005]

I had fun with this one! If you can actually get by the utterly unbelievable way the "clues" to the treasure are picked up throughout the movie, and take this film for what it is, you'll enjoy it.

It's reminiscent of a modern-day Indiana Jones, with lots of little sub-plots. However, you'll find yourself incredulous as to how pathetically easy a REAL National Treasure, our Declaration of Independence, is simply stolen.

Cage is good for this role, but I didn't find myself convinced that he would be the type to figure out some very difficult clues. He just didn't sell me on being the Sherlock Holmes kinda guy. Maybe his past roles have influenced me on that.

Not bad, if you'd like to kill a couple of hours. Be forewarned, though...there are at least 3 segments that just DIE in this film...some very slow points. Other than that, I enjoyed it.

The Perfect Storm (2000)

Watchable.....

[5/10 · 21 April 2005]

I know this movie has been slammed quite a bit, and rightfully so. The plot seems convoluted in relation to the actual events, but....this IS Hollywood, is it not? Some of the CGI tends to throw this film off, but if you can get by that, and the fact that the story has been modified for audiences, then you might actually get a kick out of watching this.

Clooney is not really convincing throughout. He just didn't sell me. Wahlberg was adequate. There was only one crew member who I thought even remotely portrayed a New Englander, and that was John Hawkes as Bugsy. The rest of the characters were stiff, and seemingly uncomfortable in their roles. In other words, I just couldn't "attach" myself to these characters. Hell, they could've at least worked on the New England accent, which is sometimes so strong, you have to really listen to "hear" what's being said! (I know, I'm from the area.)

My sympathies to those on whom the story is based. It's a shame their legacies weren't aptly portrayed in this film.

Still, it wasn't absolutely horrible. It did have its moments, and that makes it watchable, at least once.

Meet the Fockers (2004)

Good, But Lacking Magic of the First Focker Flick

[6/10 · 17 April 2005]

First off, loved Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Streisand as the Focker parents. They played their eccentricities to a "T". Very nicely done. However, where the new arrivals shined, the underlying theme was the feeling that you'd "been there, seen that" as you watch this movie.

In "Meet The Parents," the magic was the unease of Ben Stiller in trying to fit in with Deniro and Co. It seemed more genuine than this sequel. I honestly felt this movie was somewhat forced, with the acting half-robotic, or going through the motions.

And Teri Polo looks TOTALLY different in this one...not sure what happened, there. Thought she looked much better in the first. I thought her role could have been a lot more...it seemed like she was almost a minor character in this film.

Either way, this is a good one to sit through if you'd like a few laughs. It's not awful...I just don't think it was as good as the first movie. Owen Wilson makes a cameo appearance, but it was totally unnecessary. 6 out of 10 stars.

Van Helsing (2004)

Mind-Numbing...but Interesting

[5/10 · 17 April 2005]

Honestly, I'm neutral on this film. I do remember being stoked to see it, when the trailers were first previewed during the Super Bowl in 2003 (I think that was the year). Then, nothing...it never came out, which left me wondering.

Well, now that it's here and I've had a chance to watch it, I can honestly say I'm neither here nor there on it. I can't bring myself to dislike it, because the CGI and elements (c'mon..Wolfman, Dracula, Frankenstein, etc. all in one movie? How cool is THAT!) do make it fun to sit with.

However, I'm NOT sold on Ms. Beckinsale's performance...honestly, while very attractive indeed, she just wasn't doing it for me in this movie. The chemistry between her and Jackman seemed, well...a bit "off." Maybe it was the fierce independence of both characters. I don't know.

The other thing that bugged me was the fact that the CGI does tend to get a little out of hand...such as the jumping from wall to wall, etc. It works great on monster morphs and such, but there are times where you're just going to shake your head at the overkill.

Overall, not a waste of time. Any fan of the genre will enjoy watching this movie at least once. Jackman does a good job throughout, and you do find yourself liking him. 5 out of 10 stars.

King Arthur (2004)

Nicely Done & Worth A Look!

[8/10 · 17 April 2005]

Forget about Dungeons & Dragons, wizards in long, flowing white robes, unicorns and magic...that stuff does NOT exist in this film, but is often attributed to the Arthurian legend. Even Arthur's sword, Excaliber, plays a minor role! Nope, this one fires from the hip in a gritty, realistic look at what Arthur's life may have been in reality. I enjoyed each of the knights' performances...nicely done. Clive Owen, as Arthur...believable, but oftentimes dry, and not totally emotionally tied to his character. There was a bit of charisma lacking there.

Cinematography is incredible, and fits the movie well. Look at Keira Knightley's performance as the token role...she doesn't really do much, but also isn't just the "damsel in distress", either.

Overall, 8 out of 10 stars, and definitely worth watching!

Boogeyman (2005)

Spoilers? Who Needs Spoilers? AWFUL!

[1/10 · 17 April 2005]

**possible spoilers*** Not that it matters...

It's sad...this is a concept that really could have worked, if given the right direction. We all remember as kids having that fear of what was under the bed or in the closet. It should have been easy to duplicate. Guess what? It apparently wasn't.

The movie starts off with promise...the kid in a panic with everything going on in his room at night, and the father getting snatched. Predictable, however...I mean, he WAS standing with his back turned to the open closet door! But, not a bad start. Turns out, that would be the only scene worth watching.

The rest of the movie depends on bursts of music and scenery to generate any kind of a "jump factor." There is nothing scary...just sudden blasts of unnecessary cheap trickery. The theater I went to had the volume up so loud, it was almost deafening. But, it did serve to wake me up before I fell into a coma. This movie had some very dry spells...arid would actually be a better description.

The ending was horrible. No closure at all. Plus, you have to go 7/8ths of the movie before even getting a good look at our Boogeyman, and when you do...you'll laugh your butt off. It's awful. Absolute CGI garbage. These folks need to get Stan Winston next time, for any credibility. And the PG-13 rating isn't even warranted. This could have been PG, easily.

Acting was awful...matter of fact, I'm gonna end this comment here, because I honestly have nothing left but negativity to spew. This movie flat-out sucked. 0 out of 10 stars.

The Family Man (2000)

Worth A Look!

[10 November 2004]

Without going into too much of the main storyline (you can read the reviews for that) I'll say that this movie is a very touching look at "what might have been." While I'm not a Cage fan, I'll give kudos to him, in that he portrayed his confused character masterfully. His struggles from realizing that he has left his high-octane business/playboy life for a simple family life are fun to watch.

And Tea Leoni....woohoo!

Nice holiday movie. Probably not one for the younger kids, due to some content (Tea's shower scene is STUNNING!) and innuendo, but definitely one you can be entertained by. 7 out of 10 stars.

The Day After Tomorrow (2004)

Armageddon Wannabe

[10 November 2004]

"The Day After Tomorrow" is one of those movies that can be rated as worth seeing, as long as nothing else of importance is going on.

**VERY MINOR SPOILERS**

The only props I can give this movie are for the CGI special effects that quite masterfully give the impression of the disasters at hand, and an adaptable music score. The wolf scene, however, was thoroughly forgettable.

The acting was sub-par, at best. Jake G's character got under my skin more than anything, and I never quite could relate with Quaid's character (he was much better in "The Rookie".)

And lastly....the griping African-American guy with the dog. I seem to recall this scenario being played in another disaster movie...hmmm...what was it? Oh, yeah...Armageddon. C'mon....was this element REALLY required for this movie? And the Vice President's speech was thoroughly not motivating. I got more of a rise from the President's speech in "Independence Day," as cheesy as that one was.

Although you have to take this movie with a grain of salt, I'll begrudgingly admit that I wasn't totally bored with it. It's definitely watchable at least once.

5 out of 10 stars, mostly for the CGI representation.

Island of the Dead (2000)

Awful, Awful, AWFUL

[10 November 2004]

**SPOILER***

There's only one spoiler in this description, and it's that this movie is NOT what you're led to believe by looking at the trailer or by reading the description.

With the "Island of the Dead theme", and the whole "Predators Beneath The Earth" thing going on, OK, I'm thinking zombie movie. How wrong I was, and how remorseful I am for absolutely wasting a single minute of my lifetime even watching this trash.

The acting is terrible, at best. You never even get a sense of attachment to any of them. And, quite frankly, the examples of Darwinism at its finest are quite prevalent.

Spare yourself. Watch grass grow. You'll feel more rewarded.

A Christmas Story (1983)

THIS is Christmas!

[9 November 2004]

OK, so this was not an Oscar-worthy film. BIG DEAL! It was great! Being 36 years old, most Christmas movies don't do it for me. Most seem to be the cookie-cutter, feel-good types. ****SOME MINOR SPOILERS FOLLOW***

BUT...with Ralphie's quest for the Real Rider, and the eternal struggles throughout the movie...this brought back some good memories, because they were struggles that many of us could relate to as kids! Bullies, Triple Dog Dares, wanting something SO badly for Christmas and trying to convince your parents of it, the Mall Santa, the cursing father, slipping out a bad word in front of your parents, the soap in the mouth...I mean, c'mon! This was great stuff! Not like the spoiled kids of the more popular Christmas movies (see "Home Alone" or "Jingle All The Way"), living in their big, luxurious houses. This was old-school Americana all the way, with the bargaining for the Christmas tree, the "Major Award" Leg Lamp, and the "Battle of The Boiler."

It's edgy. It's not P.C. It's not totally "feel good." But, it's WORTH watching. By FAR, my favorite Christmas movie!