tigerbonewan Reviews

The Happening (2008)

Not THAT bad.

[2/10 · 24 December 2018]

It's not the worst or even among the 50 worst thriller/sci-fi movies you've seen. If you watch a lot of them on Netflix, by no-name directors, it's not even one of the fifty worst ones you've seen this year. It's not even the worst M. Night Shamalamadingdong I've seen (that would be Lady in the Water, thought I've never seen Airbender). It's watchable, short, has a few scary moments, and a thought provoking central idea (plants actually DO release chemicals that affect animal behavior, and presumably plants have evolved this ability as a defense mechanism). This movie is basically like one of those nature-run-amok made for TV movies from the '70s. The only reason I can fathom for the hatred this film gets is that people expected more from the director and star.

Rebirth (I) (2016)

I'm sorry but...

[14 January 2018]

How many movies do we need, with the 'only in a movie' plot of some poor dumb schmuck ALLOWING himself to be subjected to endless UNCONVINCING mind games throughout? The viewer is set up with the idea that the schmuck is going to learn some valuable lesson by the time it's through. But he's a non-existent movie stock character: anyone in real life would catch on that they're being gulled and would yell "you can all go f____ yourselves" and storm out, but this is the character who never does. I did, about 45 minutes in. Anyone want to post a spoiler and tell me if the lesson he learns is how to do that?

Camera Store (2017)

Only For Certain People

[8/10 · 25 August 2017]

Old pro John Larroquette is given a tricky Kevin Spacey type role requiring him to convey simmering intelligence, disgust, desperation, impotence and rage and he kills it, in the good way. The whole plot of this film is simply the one work day in a man's life when he is inescapably confronted with the truth that for all his abilities and initial potential, he is a failure. The screenplay and the actor vividly portray the character flaws that have brought him to that moment. But that is all there is here, my friends, and if that doesn't sound like a movie to you, you aren't going to like it, so don't watch it and then complain.

That the film is paced and photographed in a way reminiscent of Rod Serling, with skillfully building tension and suspense, will lead the viewer not getting it into think something very 'big' is going to happen. It does, the main character discovers he's been (figuratively) stabbed in the back, but since no special effects are involved, those viewers will sit there, still waiting.

If you enjoy movies that are mostly just character studies, and you have some interest in or identification with late mid-life crises, you'll probably get something out of this one. It is more than a movie about an actor acting.

Ozzy (2016)

If it isn't Pixar level quality,

[24 August 2017]

the inevitably, someone will say it's "the worst" animation. This definitely isn't Pixar, but it's not the worst either (check out Video Brinquedo for some of the worst quality cgi animation.) Not all traditional animation is at the same level as Fantasia, and people seem to be able to accept that, but if it's cgi, and it doesn't look like the multi-million dollar product of Illumination or Blue Sky or Dreamworks animation, everyone is going to call it "the worst"

Parked (III) (2010)

EFF This Movie !!!!

[1/10 · 21 May 2017]

Just tried to watch it on video and gave up at the 25 minute mark. Why? Couldn't hear the dialog - even though there's not much, I cannot stand a movie in which I can't hear the dialog. You keep turning up the volume to try and catch what the characters are saying in their thick accents, and then suddenly, you're blasted with the background music. Why no subtitles on the DVD??? It really needs them. Maybe the dialog is supposed to be of no importance and the story is only supposed to be told visually. Don't care! If it's not a silent movie, I need to hear the dialog and you can't. If it isn't too low volume, then it's being drowned out by car engines or feet scuffling on pavement or some other background noise. I don't know how all the other reviewers found themselves so moved by this movie. The execrable sound recording job done on it totally ruined it for me and made the movie an unconditionally frustrating experience that I ultimately just gave up on.

The Dolphin: Story of a Dreamer (2009)

Not good, but not nearly as bad as these reviews indicate

[5/10 · 4 September 2016]

For one thing, it's kind of dull. It's based on one of those large, thin books parents buy to read to their pre-school children and select mainly based on the illustrations. The dilemma of the protagonist, that he's one dolphin who "still dares to dream" is not that compelling or relatable. It's an empty cliché married to cuteness. For another, it's dubbed, clumsily, from Spanish. Apparently all they did was closely translate the original and re-record a new voice track. No attempt to re-synch the characters' mouths and definitely no thought given to adapting the content for differing cultural sensibilities. Result: characters inserted purely for comic relief become total annoyances.

In its defense, its look and its cgi work are not bad. Not quite Finding Nemo or Finding Dorrie quality, but not too far below it. Thing is, you've seen those movies, you won't be dazzled by this. But I give it a lot of credit for achieving what it does on a Peruvian budget and being that country's first major cgi animation release. Problem with cgi animation is that it evokes in dumb people the attitude "How dare you show this to me - I've seen Pixar!" So they take to internet to write thought provoking reviews like "This is the WORST movie I have EVER seen!" - believe me, if you've seen Divergent, you've seen a worse movie than this. (And if they're real d-bags, they post a YT video of themselves wild eyed, and frantically gesticulating, starting every sentence with an OMG, pointing out all the obvious deficiencies in the dialogue and acting if sub-Pixar quality animation is an outrage against humanity.)

Bottom line: if you've got a school aged kid who's not too critical, who you need to occupy for a few hours, who's seen all the other kid flicks in the On Demand Free Movies bin, this one will do. And if you stop and look at it yourself for a few minutes, please, don't take to your webcam to rant on it.

This Is Life with Lisa Ling (2014–2022)

Hookers! Hookers! Hookers!

[10/10 · 17 September 2015]

THIS is life? Lisa Ling is supposedly exploring "dangerous subcultures and alternate communities" in this series, as per the Netflix description, but it really seems she's chiefly obsessed with the world's oldest profession in all its forms, promoting it and legitimizing it. Girls, you can make more money than you ever dreamed of! On websites like Seeking Arrangements, in boom towns like Williston North Dakota, and you don't even have to touch those guys, you can just strip and gyrate on web cam! Ling does an admirable job of standing back and looking slightly disturbed at the "freaks" she tracks down to exploit, but the clear takeaway from each of these episodes is that selling your body is a lucrative business and you ain't gonna make more with that degree, so go for it! Highly recommended.